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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To fix DS's teeth in spite of DP's objections ...

154 replies

UsedtobeFeckless · 19/11/2014 12:24

Just back from the dentist with DS2 and it's crunch time, so to speak ...

DS is 13 and has an inherited wossname that means his front teeth are squwiff. DP's teeth are exactly the same. The dentist has been chuntering gently about straightening them up for ages but now all DS's milk teeth have bailed out it's time to get down to business. This means a permenant brace for 18 months or so. Trouble is, DP is dead against the idea. He says his crooked teeth are part of who he is and the same goes for DS. I think he's being a bit ridiculous - if DS has the work done now it's totally free and has a much better chance of sucess than if he waits and has it done as an adult.

DS doesn't know what he wants to do but I think it's DP's opposition that's making him hesitate ...

What would you lot suggest? I don't want to steamroller DS into a year and a half of brace-wearing if he really wants to keep his asymetric gnashers but I don't want him to be tearing his hair at 19 wishing he'd got them fixed when he had the chance!

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 19/11/2014 21:53

I was your ds....

So so pleased I had them done....have friends now paying thousands.

I was never bullied and I think our culture these days seems to be making the best of yourself....there will be many dc at school with braces.

CallMeACynicBut · 19/11/2014 21:56

Not a no brainer. I was strongly persuaded/forced into it and regret it. It was painful in several ways over more than a year, I hated missing school for appointments, and it doesn't work miracles. Not worth it for me. Let him decide.

Bulbasaur · 19/11/2014 22:34

When it comes to things done for health, children shouldn't get a say. I'd rather have a child ranting as an adult about how her mean parents forced her to have braces with good teeth, than to be suffering health problems later.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2014 23:00

Good for DH! I'm glad he saw the light.

TeacupDrama · 19/11/2014 23:32

I'm a dentist not an orthodontist but if a 13 year old boy does not want treatment it will not happen, though OP says there is probably agreement now, generally if both parents have parental responsibility and one is against that would generally carry unless life threatening

Stripyhoglets · 19/11/2014 23:36

My sis retreats not getting hers done when she was a child. She can't afford now and hates her teeth. I'd get them done, the NHS may not provide this for free for much longer if the cuts carry on so I wouldn't delay.

SurfsUp1 · 19/11/2014 23:42

I can never understand why someone wouldn't straighten their teeth if they can afford to! Seems so many people in the UK don't worry about it though, which perpetuates the international view that english people have terrible teeth.

BillyJoel · 20/11/2014 00:11

This thread is perfectly times for me, and the advice is all very useful. I took my dd (16) and dd(13) to the dentist tonight and he has recommended orthodontics for both as they have overcrowded mouths. Neither are keen, although the younger one realised she needs some help like this to get her canines up and in place as there is no space for them to move into.
They both have friends with braces and have heard their friends complaining a lot about the discomfort and cut cheeks. I think after reading this thread I could have a full and useful discussion with them about getting braces.

Is there any advice I can give them about the pain, discomfort, cutting?
Thanks.

olgaga · 20/11/2014 01:25

It's not cosmetic, and it's not about vanity or good looks.

If your child's teeth are so overcrowded that a dentist is recommending braces on the NHS, take the offer.

Overcrowded teeth don't just look bad. They are harder to clean and so your child will be more likely to suffer from degenerative gum disease.

Which is linked to heart disease.

Tell your OH not to be so bloody ridiculous.

My DD 13 has terribly overcrowded teeth. Had to have 4 perfectly healthy teeth out and currently has an upper brace. When her upper bite has improved she'll have lower as well.

She's coped really well with any aches, needs a Nurofen occasionally, and the brace wax stops any rubbing.

Do it for your DC sake.

TrickoftheMind · 20/11/2014 01:56

Does it have to be done now? He may have a stronger view one way or the other in a few years time.

DP's DD decided at 17 that she wanted to go for it. They had to pull her planning appointments forward a bit in order to start before she was 18 so that the NHS would cover it. It was completely her decision and she was very motivated to see it through despite some ridiculous comments from her mum who tried very hard to put her off. God only knows why .

Her teeth look great now.

Roussette · 20/11/2014 07:24

I honestly don't think it should be left to the 13 yr old, he should be actively encouraged to go ahead not left to make this sort of decision because at his age he will have no idea of the impact wonky teeth will have on his life (voice of experience speaking). If I'd told my DD what was involved (over 2 years of 6 weekly visits and endless cleaning, little bands, tracks, plates) at 13 she would probably have said no.

Leaving it until they're older is really not an option - it was about doing it now because of the growing rate, also once they reach their late teens they become even more self conscious and then there's college, Uni, driving lessons etc and no time to keep going to the orhodontist. Thank goodness, OP, your DP has seen the light.

tilliebob · 20/11/2014 07:30

My eldest two have inherited my dental issues - DS1 has had the brace removed now and DD is just getting fitted for hers. They both got theirs free on the NHS as it was for medical rather than cosmetic reasons.

The only reason mine weren't fixed were because we didn't get braces etc like that back in 19oatcake when I was young. If they had, I've have had mine fixed and saved myself a lot if angst and misery.

Chippednailvarnish · 20/11/2014 07:30

I've been quoted £5k to fix my bottom teeth, and according to the orthodontist only 1 in 50 would notice they weren't straight. But they are getting worse as I get older, so glad to hear your DH has agreed with you.

mummytime · 20/11/2014 07:37

If it is bad enough that he can get it done on the NHS, then he should have it done - it isn't just a minor imperfection. However what I would do is go through the starting procedures and get him on an Orthodontist's waiting list - that can easily be 18 months or more.
Tell your DH to lay off your son and let him make his own decision. Tell your son it is his decision, but to also talk to his friends (a lot of whom I would expect are having braces), and also get the Orthodontist talk to him.

In my family my DS could do with a little Orthodontic work, but has chosen not to - but his is so mild that you can't see normally, so we would probably have to go private if he wanted it. DD had hers done, and they were quite messy before, however we didn't really discuss it as it had been obvious for years she needed it and she had no reservations.

LosBreakingBad · 20/11/2014 09:23

I am so glad your dp is moving forward.
My advice would be to get the braces on ASAP. My mum pushed very hard for me to have mine on as young as possible. By the time I wanted to look as good as possible, iykwim, my teeth were fantastic and I felt fantastic. It gave me a huge boost of confidence in all areas of my life.

cingolimama · 20/11/2014 10:48

Please get the braces - can't believe you're hesitating. Go for it while it's free.

Also, please take the decision as parents - this really really isn't up to your DS - he shouldn't be responsible for these kinds of decisions.

You won't regret it. Good luck!

mummytime · 20/11/2014 10:50

cingolmama - sorry but at 13 it is the son's decision. If he really wanted to he could refuse, and there would be nothing the OP could do about it.

You do know from the age of 12 you can only see your child's school record if they give you permission?

grannytomine · 20/11/2014 11:18

Just wanted to say regarding people saying get it done even if DS doesn't want it. The orthodontist my children went to discussed it with them she wasn't prepared to do the work unless they were committed to working with her. Her particular concern was hygiene as she said lots of teenagers don't work hard enough at keeping the teeth and braces clean and she couldn't see the point of straightening teeth that would just end up rotten. She was quite strict about it and I saw more than one sad face coming out of her room after a telling off. I know one mother who cried when her teenager got a telling off and a threat to remove the braces if her oral hygiene didn't improve. She did improve and ended up with straight teeth.

cingolimama · 20/11/2014 11:52

Mummy, yes of course he could refuse and not open his mouth, which would make it impossible to fit braces. What I mean is that it shouldn't be put to him as his decision. I feel that 1) a 13 year old isn't mature enough to make that decision and 2) it's too much responsibility to put into the hands of a 13 year old. If it was a bit more serious a medical condition that involved some discomfort or pain but that, long-term, the parent knows there is benefit - would we allow a 13 year old to make that decision?

BarbarianMum · 20/11/2014 12:12

Yes we absolutely would. There is clear case law to show that if a child understands the issues involved and the consequences involved in taking/not taking a particular course of action that the decision is theirs. Even if the issue at hand was a life-threatening one - heart transplant, cancer treatment, blood transfusion - older children have the final say unless a court of law deems they are not competant.

Parents are usually onsidered to be acting in the best interests of their child but only until that child is old enough to form their own opinion. Of course, children mostly follow advice from their parents and doctors but they are not obliged to any more than an adult once they can show enough maturity to comprehend the issues involved.

Sallystyle · 20/11/2014 12:40

I wouldn't be letting my 13 year old son make the choice.

They are too young to make that decision because I don't think they can fully comprehend how they might feel about it as an adult. I make my children's medical decisions for them, braces are no different.

My son is about to have his taken off, he has had them for three years. He had to have those awful blocks to re-correct his jaw for a year and he couldn't even close his mouth. His teeth are now looking amazing and he is glad he went through it, not that I gave him a choice. I give my kids plenty of choices, just not medical ones at that age. My son with braces had the option of having two teeth removed so the centre of his teeth matched up more, he was told that the only person who would ever notice was dentists, so he got to choose if he wanted teeth pulled for something no one would notice, but he never got a choice about having them in the first place.

Sure, you can't physically force them to have them but I would not be laying down putting the decision in their hands over a medical decision which could affect their dental health for the rest of their lives.

mummytime · 20/11/2014 12:43

You don't have the legal right to make the decision, when they are 13.

Sallystyle · 20/11/2014 12:55

Maybe not. However, it wouldn't get that far.

My 11 year old will need braces, he is worried he will look like a nerd. I am not going to roll over and tell him he doesn't have to have them because he is worried about looking like a nerd.

I will tell him that he is having them, he will moan a bit but then respect my decision. It wouldn't cross his mind that legally I don't have that right.

Some children are more strong willed and you can obviously not physically force them, but for mine, if I tell them they need to do something for medical reasons they are going to do it. I wouldn't lead them to believe they have a choice.

cingolimama · 20/11/2014 13:01

I will tell him that he is having them, he will moan a bit but then respect my decision. It wouldn't cross his mind that legally I don't have that right.
^^
this

Roussette · 20/11/2014 15:15

Agree with others, it would be a done deal, children are influencable at that age (which is illustrated by the OP's post and her DP influencing his son NOT to have his teeth done against advice by an orthodontist).

My DD also had the blocks to move her jaw, it was all a bit painful and never ending but I treated it as an absolute have to do thing, and it just became a way of life. She has been approached whilst in the US with someone asking her where she got her teeth done because they look so great. Sometimes parents just know what's best for their child and we shouldn't always put the decision with them.

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