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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To fix DS's teeth in spite of DP's objections ...

154 replies

UsedtobeFeckless · 19/11/2014 12:24

Just back from the dentist with DS2 and it's crunch time, so to speak ...

DS is 13 and has an inherited wossname that means his front teeth are squwiff. DP's teeth are exactly the same. The dentist has been chuntering gently about straightening them up for ages but now all DS's milk teeth have bailed out it's time to get down to business. This means a permenant brace for 18 months or so. Trouble is, DP is dead against the idea. He says his crooked teeth are part of who he is and the same goes for DS. I think he's being a bit ridiculous - if DS has the work done now it's totally free and has a much better chance of sucess than if he waits and has it done as an adult.

DS doesn't know what he wants to do but I think it's DP's opposition that's making him hesitate ...

What would you lot suggest? I don't want to steamroller DS into a year and a half of brace-wearing if he really wants to keep his asymetric gnashers but I don't want him to be tearing his hair at 19 wishing he'd got them fixed when he had the chance!

OP posts:

TheAlias · 19/11/2014 13:27

I'm quite upset at all this talk of children (or anyone) being unattractive and therefore needing to be fixed.

Isn't our job as parents to give them the confidence to believe they are amazing in every way?

My other DS has a large facial birthmark. Again, the medical advice was that it could be improved but not removed entirely but that here would be risks involved and it wasn't necessary.

He gets teased about it occasionally but he's got a good stock of answers and if it wasn't that it would be something else. Should I have taken the risks and had the work done?

TheFriar · 19/11/2014 13:27

The problem is that your DP can't enforce his pov anymore than you can.
So he thinks his teeth are fine and that it's part if who he is and gives him character. That's fine but it doesn't mean this will be the case for your ds. Your ds might feel uncomfortable, he might get unkind comments about it. He might feel very self conscious. And maybe not so much now at 13yo but very much so at 15~16yo when he will start dating etc.
So IMHO your DH should be careful about what he says in front if his ds.
And you should both support your ds towards a decision that will fit him well now and in 2~3 years time.

TheAlias · 19/11/2014 13:30

"So IMHO your DH should be careful about what he says in front if his ds."

His father's telling him there's nothing wrong with how he looks and having grown up with the same issue, he should know.

It's his mother who's telling him his looks need improving

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/11/2014 13:32

And on a very shallow note, DS1(20) had very wonky teeth and an issue with his teeth enamel that gave them a mottled appearance. All perfectly sound though, not a filling in his head.

He had braces on the NHS and whitening privately through our dentist. He has a noticeably gorgeous smile now and says girls are always complimenting him about his teeth. His girlfriend has the best teeth I have ever seen on a human being. She told me she had terrible teeth before her braces. Having a lovely smile is such a confidence booster.

museumum · 19/11/2014 13:33

If an nhs dentist is offering to treat for free on the nhs then they must be quite squint. I'd have them fixed for appearances sake but also because wonky teeth are harder to keep clean and also can get more wonky over time and end up causing mouth ulcers as they dig into the inside of the lips more.

However, if you do this be aware you might have to pay to keep treating or re-treat him after the age of 18. My teeth were straightened as a teenager but when my wisdom teeth came in around the age of 20 they slowly started to overlap again and I didn't have the money at that age to fix them. I now hate my overlap (it's a kirsten dunst type one).

SunsofAlanKey · 19/11/2014 13:33

When I was younger I sort of needed a brace, but the orthodontist didn't say I should. My parents decided against it as they could not afford it. 25 years later my teeth are much more wonky, they have worsened with age and I had Invisalign to straighten them out to help my teeth and gum health. Wish my parents could have afforded it when I was 13.......

OOAOML · 19/11/2014 13:33

I think Alias that most people are commenting about the issues of future problems, difficulty cleaning etc rather than having the work done for cosmetic issues.

I do want my children to have the confidence to know they are amazing - but personally I've lived with bleeding gums due to infection around the over-crowding (sorted now that I have a dentist who does a properly thorough descaling), fillings due to difficulty keeping them clean, and being really self-conscious about the way the teeth look, and if there's something that can be done that means my children don't have to put up with that, I'd like them to at least seriously consider it.

TheFriar · 19/11/2014 13:34

Thought too that if the dentist is happy to do it on the NHS then it must be pretty bad.

Tbh I have wanky teeth. I had a brace when I was a child that helped but I was rubbish at wearing it and my mum didn't push me to.
I'm not ashamed as such of them but I wouldn't be happy to show you my teeth iyswim.

Stuckonthebaby · 19/11/2014 13:35

I refused braces as a teen and ended up paying thousands for train tracks in my twenties. My kids won't have an option if they need it, but luckily I know my DH won't take any convincing. He's also had adult braces. Your DH is BU.

squoosh · 19/11/2014 13:36

His father is imposing his view on his son. Not fair in my opinion.

divingoffthebalcony · 19/11/2014 13:40

Fix them, fix them, fix them!

There seems to be an attitude on MN at the moment, that it's a crime to desire any sort of cosmetic enhancement on your child But braces are so commonplace, it would be foolish not to go ahead IMO. I had a lot of orthodontic work as a teen and it was SO WORTH IT.

I think your DP's reaction is a bit strange: he has crooked teeth so his son should have crooked teeth? Clearly, he's projecting, and is making your son feel like if he chooses braces, it's like saying his dad is ugly. Hoo boy! I feel bad for your son. He should be able to choose braces without any guilt but, clearly, you can't force him one way or another.

TheAlias · 19/11/2014 13:41

Yes OOA, I said in an earlier post that it should be done if it will cause medical problems but that's not what OP is focusing on. She doesn't say her DH who has the same issue has had any problems with his teeth and I suspect , if he had, she would use that to strengthen her argument

My dentist and orthodontist referred us simply because DS1's teeth weren't straight, not because there was any real need for them to be straight and the advice from the hospital consultant was that there was no need from a medical POV, in his case, and that there would be risks involved in having them straightened.

TheFriar · 19/11/2014 13:41

theAlias my comment is very much because the OP is saying that her ds is hesitating because if his dad comments which makes me think that his father must be quite voiceful about the fact the wonky teeth are part if who he is etc.
I think that's different than telling your child he us fine with or wo straight teeth. But you certain don't want to make a point about how it is ok to have wonky teeth by pushing your child not to have braces regardless of what the child feels.
Supporting your child to feel confident and comfortable isn't the same than refusing any procedure that could help with 'looks', esp when this procedure is pretty standard.

bananaramadramallama · 19/11/2014 13:43

I had train tracks in the early 90s (loads of people had them at school), my sister do is too and my husband had them (late 80s).

My 2 boys will need braces too - eldest is 12 and his teeth are so overcrowded that they are already getting a bit discoloured in the overlaps and proper brushing is laborious for him.

Thankfully my husband agrees with me re braces, but if he was of the same opinion as yours I would go against him and convince your son to get a brace.

He will thank you when he is older and has a beautiful smile.

squoosh · 19/11/2014 13:43

Acne is only a cosmetic disfigurement but if my child had terrible acne I'd do whatever it took to help them achieve clear skin. I view braces in the same way.

divingoffthebalcony · 19/11/2014 13:45

It's perfectly acceptable to have braces for teeth that are "only" crooked, though. Why is it more acceptable to have a medical reason also?

I would imagine that the VAST majority of orthodontic work carried out on the NHS is for cosmetic reasons only, not medical. And I'm not sure about what the risks are, other than pain? And I speak as someone who had a quite impressive array of removable braces, fixed braces and headgear!

TheAlias · 19/11/2014 13:47

Yes it's become pretty standard because the NHS will pay orthodontists to do it (why when they won't pay for so many other things is beyond me) but that doesn't mean it's always the best advice. It can lead to long term problems and DS1's consultant felt there was a very real risk of this "corrected" generation needing lots more corrective action, including surgery, as adults. He was scathing about the way it's become "normal" to "fix" teeth that don't need fixing.

IckleBones · 19/11/2014 13:48

I have overcrowded front top and bottom teeth and now have periodontal disease which means I now have to take extra care when cleaning and regular privately paid hygienist and also now going to pay for braces that I should have had as a child and could have prevented the disease.

I would say get him to have braces if it will help is oral health.
I have been told I have a beautiful smile (which will probably chante after braces), I do think imperfect teeth can create or add character to a person

HRMumness · 19/11/2014 13:49

When I was younger my dentist recommended braces but said they weren't necessary. My Mum decided against getting them. I hate my teeth, feel very self conscious about my smile and wish I could afford to have them fixed. I also have worse problems with overcrowding and have to have them cleaned every six months or so because I have a problem with plaque building up. Definitely get them fixed, I would rather have gone through pain at the teenage years then to have to fork out a huge amount for my teeth now.

Original poster

UsedtobeFeckless · 19/11/2014 13:51

It's his mother who's telling him his looks need improving

Actually, Alias, I sort of resent that ... DS2 is bloody gorgeous and he knows it. I don't have a problem with the way his teeth look or the way his dad's teeth look ( Obviously, being as he's my DP and all ) but I'm concerned that as the dentist is suggesting they need straightening up DS to be storing up trouble and expense for himself later on in life if he doesn't get it sorted out now.

It's bugger all to do with how he looks.

OP posts:

QuietNinjaTardis · 19/11/2014 13:52

If you ask him then if he says no be prepared to overrule him! I was asked at 13 if I wanted braces and as I was hitting puberty and skinny and awkward and didn't need another rung on my nerd ladder I said no. I hate my teeth! I look awful and there's no way I can afford to get them sorted now.
Please get it sorted, your dp is assuming your ds will be ok with his teeth when he's older and there's no way you can know that.

LosBreakingBad · 19/11/2014 13:53

My mother had squiggly teeth. I inherited them. My mother did everything she could to ensure that I had braces on to correct them. I am so thankful she did. She was always known as the woman with the crooked teeth. I wanted to be known for things more important than that.

IMO society will only get more appearance orientated as time goes on. What was ok for your dp may not be ok for your Ds in the future.

TheAlias · 19/11/2014 13:54

OK, good. But that's not what you said in your OP. Not once did you mention future medial issues, only that the teeth affected the way he looked/his character.

Deux · 19/11/2014 13:55

Op, I wonder if your DH is really that happy with his smile? Would he change it? He may say no, but I'd wonder if he was being truthful.

Wonky teeth look terrible and people do notice them and potentially do make judgements.

A lovely smile is noticeable too and yes, aesthetically it looks much better than a mouthful of overlapping tombstones.

In your situation, my DS would be having it done and whatever inducements necessary. I'm sure he'll thank you when he's older.

Much better for people to notice your DS for his lovely smile than a mangled mess. If you can get it done on the NHS I think you should grab it and your DH needs to get over it.

Do you think your Dh might not want to be the only one in the family with wonky teeth?

BarbarianMum · 19/11/2014 13:59

Some look terrible. Others don't.

Some people judge. Generally very shallow ones.

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