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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say something or not?

135 replies

VitoCorleone · 17/11/2014 15:43

My mother has told me she wont be watching my kids anymore for me, because she's 'not well enough' she 'has a bad back'

She's the only person that we have, nobody else to help us if we get stuck.

Anyway, she's at my house every day, absolutely fine, she's just told me she's going on a shopping trip tomorrow, so obviously her back isn't that bad, the fact of the matter is she just cant be arsed actually doing anything for anyone else - but she'll happily come here and drink endless cups of tea every day. I'm actually fuming.

DP has always said she's lazy and selfish and i agree. I'm struggling to bite my tounge here. AIBU?

OP posts:
dottytablecloth · 18/11/2014 15:13

The more you post about her the more awful she sounds.

There is a way of telling her she's not invited to your house, it's called just telling her!

What does she bring to your life? What does she add to your family's happiness?

Just be use she gave birth to you does not mean you owe her unwavering obedience and gratitude!

Don't let her in next time if you do t want to see her. If she kicks off, call the police. I wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour from my mum or anyone.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 18/11/2014 15:23

YABU to expect your mother to look after your kids, however YANBU to go no contact. Frankly I cannot see why you have her in your life other than her threatening you. Is this the only reason you see her or does she have some redeeming qualities?

HedgehogsDontBite · 18/11/2014 16:11

Bloody hell OP, it sounds like she's doing your kids a big favour by refusing to look after them. Now you need to get her to do you an even bigger favour by fucking off and leaving you to live your own life. You need to start doing what you want, when you want and if she sulks and doesn't talk to you for a month consider it a bonus.

From a practical perspective for appointments and stuff, I have 18 month DS in nursey for 1 morning a week so I can do stuff without him. I live abroad so have nobody to help out.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/11/2014 17:29

Have to say a bit of drip feeding going on here with OP telling us what 4 pages in that her mother is violent...

Original poster
VitoCorleone · 18/11/2014 17:38

Her being violent is not drip feeding because its actually irrelevant to my original question, no she's never threatened me in front of the kids its usually by text in a "don't you dare speak to me like that unless you want a hiding" sort of thing.

I just think its a piss take to be honest. Ive put my youngest in a crech on Friday mornings, but its not like i can always make sure i plan appts for those days because i often work Friday mornings. I don't work the same days every week and don't know from one week to the next what I'll be working, so making plans for anything is hard, even harder now that i have no help

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 18/11/2014 18:01

I don't think YABU, especially as she just stated it out of the blue and not in the context of you asking her. It is cruel and just trying to make you feel grateful for the small amount of help she has ever given you. I think you should try asking friends and getting a wee network around you where you reciprocate, I think you will be surprised how little a deal it feels to ask for help occasionally when you are asking a normal person.

Whereisegg · 18/11/2014 18:10

I'm sorry your mum is so awful, but I do think it's relevant.

What you are actually asking is "aibu to be annoyed that dm has said she won't ever mind my dc again, when if I ever ask anyone else she gets really angry about it and has on occasion made threats"

The answer to that ^ is of course yanbu, but you need to get away from her as much as possible.

PatriciaHolm · 18/11/2014 19:19

I'm not clear why you want someone who you clearly don't like looking after your children?

You don't have to put up with her, you know.

Betsy003 · 18/11/2014 19:54

I don't know why you'd let your mum walk over you all the time. No you can't be at her beck and call.

MrsDeVere · 18/11/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VitoCorleone · 18/11/2014 20:39

Why? Guilt i suppose, contrary to what some of you think I'm actually a nice person, i fall out with my mum and i know she has nobody else, then i feel bad and end up offering an olive branch. That's why i put up with her (til we fall out anyway)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/11/2014 00:14

Then she will continue to behave in the same way.

TBH she sounds a total pain with no obvious redeeming features and I think your life would be easier if she wasn't in it.

daisychain01 · 19/11/2014 02:34

Have you ever thanked your DM or shown signs of appreciation? Maybe she felt under appreciated. ..

daisychain01 · 19/11/2014 02:36

Oops I think I got caught out by the drip feed fairy Blush

SuperFlyHigh · 19/11/2014 08:42

daisy no OP says her DM's violence isn't relevant to the thread so she isn't drip feeding. I beg to differ.

londonrach · 19/11/2014 08:47

Yabu. Even if mum was 100% fit she doesnt have to watch your children. Its been kind of her to until now.

londonrach · 19/11/2014 08:48

Missed the violent mum bit in which case why have you allowed your dm to watch your children. (Have i got wrong end of a stick)

ohtheholidays · 19/11/2014 08:59

My Nan did loads for my Mum.She would look after me ever day,do some housework for my Mum,peel a pan of potatoes before she left to go home to help her get the dinner started.

Before me she looked after my two much older brothers and one of them was the worst little shit going(everyone's words about him)and she was much older than your Mum when she was looking after me.

I loved her dearly and have very fond memories of her and miss her daily.

My Mum looked after both my older brother's children(far to much in all honesty)and I used to have help look after them to and I was only a child.

My Mum was 54 when I had my first child,she hardly ever helped out with my 5DC even when I was on my own and pregnant with my 4th DC and had to spend some time in a wheelchair I had to do it all on my own.
My children were really well behaved as well my brother's children not so much.Especially the oldest brother's she'd be pulling her hair out by the time they were picked up.

So my Mum didn't re-pay what her Mother did for her when it came to my children.But they're my children so unlike my brothers and they're wife's I didn't expect my parents to look after my children.

My children and myself and my DH have always been far closer to my parents than my brothers,they're wife's or they're children have.

I think seeing they're other grand children started to feel like a chore for my poor parents where as with ours they got to be grandparents not baby sitters on call.

My lovely Mother passed away this year at the end of April,I wouldn't let this come between you,you don't want to end up regretting it.

Both of my parents struggled being parents and made massive mistakes when I was growing up,but I moved on from that and I'm so glad I did.Me and my Mum were best friends right up till the end and now I'm a shoulder for my Dad to lean on when ever he needs it.

ohtheholidays · 19/11/2014 09:01

Just read your last posts.Honestly if your worried about your Mum's behavior then I would have thought you wouldn't want her looking after your children?

daisychain01 · 19/11/2014 09:44

Superhighfly I bet to differ sorry. The insights gained in the OPs later posts give a very different picture about their relationship and additional relevant facts. I firstly said that maybe the DM was feeling unappreciated but having read the extra info there are bigger problems regarding the DMs behaviour so my suggestion clearly wasn't relevant. Where did I mention anything about the violence? I was looking at the bigger picture. No problem I think the OP would do well to get alternative childcare. I didn't like the fact the DM took a payment of £20 to look after her DGC sad very sad....

SuperFlyHigh · 19/11/2014 11:53

Daisy (and this is getting boring now) oh forget it... I mentioned drip feed re the violence which I thought OP did do. You obviously saw the bigger picture which silly me, didn't.

I hope OP and her DM get things sorted re childcare. The end from me!

Vikingbiker · 19/11/2014 17:19

You're choosing to accept her behaviour and that means you are choosing to be a doormat. You could also choose not to accept her behaviour and still be polite/nice.

Preciousbane · 19/11/2014 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/11/2014 19:25

There's a simple solution to this, OP. Every time she drops round unannounced, answer the door saying "oh, I'm just on my way out. I've got an appointment for x, Y, Z/ have arranged to meet a friend. And I know you're my able to look after DS in my absence so I'm taking him with me. So we'll see you another day, cheery bye!"

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/11/2014 19:26

UNable