AIBU to say something or not?

[VitoCorleone]

My mother has told me she wont be watching my kids anymore for me, because she's 'not well enough' she 'has a bad back'

She's the only person that we have, nobody else to help us if we get stuck.

Anyway, she's at my house every day, absolutely fine, she's just told me she's going on a shopping trip tomorrow, so obviously her back isn't that bad, the fact of the matter is she just cant be arsed actually doing anything for anyone else - but she'll happily come here and drink endless cups of tea every day. I'm actually fuming.

DP has always said she's lazy and selfish and i agree. I'm struggling to bite my tounge here. AIBU?

Sorry but your two year old needs to be taken out on errands etc, it's part of life and learning about the world - not watching cartoons for hours just because it's harder work to take him!

Gosh you sound delightful OP. I have a brilliantly behaved 2 year but at 40 I still find him exhausting compared to when I had DD at 20. YABU look after your children yourself.

I'm as lazy as I can get away with. I'm not a bad person, just a lazy one

I can see why it's abit annoying for you but it's just something you'll have to suck up. Think good thoughts!

"And as for finding it a strain "at her age" she's only 50"

I turn 50 in a month, Vito, and I am bloody knackered most of the time! I certainly wouldn't be happy if I was being expected to care for someone else's children, and their justification was that I 'couldn't' be tired!

And if she is lazy (which is such a lovely thing for you to say), maybe she has the right to take life a bit easier now.

I used to take three small children to appointments with me - it is just what you have to do as a parent. It is nice if your parents will help out, but if I felt my child was expecting me to look after my grandchild! and was likely to be slagging me off behind my back if I didn't, then why would I want to do it? Your child is not her responsibility, they are yours.

magic I am also lazy but I am not moaning that someone else is lazy for not looking after my dc

Of course i take my 2 year old with me, he comes everywhere with me, i have nobody to help me out with that remember

Think you all need to calm down to be honest, its not like ive threatened to beat her unless she has my kids, she constantly whinges about how 'nobody helped her with her kids' (which is a lie, i stopped at my nanas ever other weekend) why would she want the same for her daughter. That's her mentality, nobody helped me so you'll just have to deal with it, my mentality would be 'i know what its like to struggle so i will help you'

And yes, IABU, i get it

Yabu to expect anyone to babysit, but I understand that it is very hurtful that she doesn't want to help you. If she doesn't work and is happy to sit in your house a lot when she has nothing better to do but won't look after your kids as an occasional favour, she doesn't sound very caring.

Getting back to your question, yes YWBU to say anything.
And I'd be ashamed of myself if I spoke about my mother the way you do.

You're getting a hard time here, OP. These threads always end up like this. Personally I don't think it's an unreasonable request to ask your child's own grandma if she could mind her grandson while you go and have your smear test/visit the dentist/discuss a complicated medical problem with your GP when the only appt you could get is around your baby's lunchtime and you know he'll be a hungry whingeing nightmare and you won't be able to have a proper discussion about it while that's going on.

I think the problem occurs when people feel hurt that their mother doesn't WANT to spend time with grandchild. Or doesn't WANT to do her own flesh and blood a favour.

All those who always argue "it's your kid - you mind it" make me laugh. Is that what you are going to say to your own children when they could do with a bit of help?

In my family, we help each other out because we love each other and want to make each other's lives just that little bit easier. Yes, we all choose to have kids but that is no reason to deny help to anyone else with kids who might need an hour a month or so.

It's about being KIND to each other. Sounds to me like grandma wants the benefits of having her daughter there on hand to keep her company, but when OP needs a little favour, she doesn't want to know. There are lots of people like this - they take but never give.

OP isn't asking for a lot. She has already said that she is not asking for proper Childcare, just an hour or so every now and again. I don't think that's unreasonable. And I can understand OP feeling hurt and defensive when her mum doesn't want to help her out.

if there are lots of ways you help your mum out, OP, I would take a step back from doing it. She has made it clear she doesn't want to help you out, so you have no obligation to help HER out. After all, she chose to have you - you aren't obliged to help her out.

" my mentality would be 'i know what its like to struggle so i will help you'".

This is how my mum thinks, OP. Her own mother did very little for her. She was lazy too. Her nother's sister would come out and do little favours for her every now and again when we were little. She appreciated it so much and always spoke so fondly of her aunt and how kind she was. Not so much her own mother. When my sister and I had our own children she wanted to help out as much as she could because she always remembered how "abandoned" she felt by her mum. The worst occasion was when she had a miscarriage and her mum didn't bother to visit her in hospital or ask her how she was. Her aunt did. Came back to bite my nan on the bum when she got old and was in a nursing home - my mum visited her once a week out of duty and by the time she died I don't think she could actually say she felt sad when she died. In contrast she was very upset when her aunt died.

My parents nor my PILs watched our kids, had them overnight, babysat, nothing. Ever. We had to pay for baby sitters or take them with us, well me mainly because DH was at work or often away as he's in the Forces.

It did get me down at times but only because both sets of parents looked after our siblings' DC and it was unfair. Other than that, the boys are ours, we chose to have them so we looked after them.

I'm not saying she HAS to watch my children, I'm saying it would be nice if she would help me out when she needed it, instead of saying point blank 'im not watching your kids ever again' i just think that's really harsh, but you know what? When i do find somebody who can help me out when i need it she needn't bother whinging about it like she normally does.

YABVVU. Your kids you look after them!

OP, I think if you had approached your initial post differently, you would have gotten a different reaction. If you had said 'I'm hurt because my mother, etc, etc' instead of calling her 'lazy and selfish' you may not have ruffled as many feathers as you did.

My mum let me know early on that she would not provide full time care for my children. She worked, but Dad was retired and they did a lot of traveling. It didn't bother me a bit. She did, however, watch them occasionally and have them for overnights and such, as did my MiL. I would have been hurt (not angry) if either of them had told me they didn't want to watch them 'ever again' if I truly felt that they weren't telling me the real reason. But I think I would have approached them to see if I had done something to upset them or if the children had truly become too much. Have you tried to talk to your mother in a calm, non-accusatory way?

My parents have never had my dses to stay or looked after them at our house. My in-laws have done it on a bare handful of occasions. It never even occurred to me to criticise them for this, or think less of them.

I think I get it OP, correct me if I'm wrong. You work and share childcare with you pr DP, your mum has lots of free time so comes round to your house to socialise. In the past if you have needed to pop out your mum has been happy to watch your DC, now she has decided that she will not do this any more.
I think you are justified in being upset, it isn't like you have asked for a long term commitment or even regular unpaid childcare so you can work. To state flatly that she will not do it again ever is to me frankly weird and selfish unless thee is a really really good reason.
My DM has 20 years on your mum and numerous health issues but will still step in when one of her GC needs her.

I find it bizarre that so many people on here genuinely believe that it is normal to let your kids struggle because you have "done your time". Raising a family is not a prison sentence!

The OP said "I'm actually fuming." so obviously feels very strongly that her mother should be caring for her children when "required". I can't help wondering whther it is this attitude that has made her mother dig her heels in.

You come across as a bit too blunt and crude but now that I've read your posts I don't think YABU. I'd he a bit annoyed too if my mum felt she could come over as and when she liked for a cup of tea etc but said she never wanted to look after my kids again for the occasional babysitting request.

At first I thought you were complaining about her deciding not to do childcare anymore whilst you were working and that she was being 'lazy' about that. You weren't but if you were I would YABVU unless some big favours of equivalent to her are coming from you.

If you are half as disrespectful to your mum face to face as you have been on this thread,no wonder she doesn't want to look after your kids.You seem to have no manners.

I get you OP. My mum says stuff like this too. My favourite is the "I never had family around to help me". No mum, but I think you'll find you had a cook and a houseboy at the time

I think people are missing some context here. OP says her mum is round her house all the time, but has now said she won't allow OP to pop out for half an hour leaving mum sitting on the sofa with a toddler in front of cBeebies.

I can see how that could be frustrating. If you're used to doing everything with your toddler in tow, keeping an eye on them seems so easy and popping out without them like a little breathe of fresh air.

It seems like quite a small, occasional ask. I'm wondering whether something has happened. Have you been popping out more, or has your 2 year old misbehaved for your mum? How does she feel about nappies?

YANBU to be a bit frustrated but YABU to be 'fuming'. As pp have said, grandparents don't have to babysit.

No i haven't been popping out more, in the last month she's had my 2 year old once, he hasn't misbehaved for her or anything, i just get the impression that she's never been interested in helping me, but will happily sit at my house for about 2 hours each day drinking tea.

And of course ive never said anything to her, if i dared say anything that was even in the slightest disrespectful she's give me a hiding. I wouldn't dare. So excuse me for venting on here