To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

[MiddletonPink]

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman

Maybe that one incidence isn't the "end of the world" rosdearg in an isolated case.

And as for jockeying for position how did I do that?

We had an Indian.

Now a "witch" of a mil would have maintained they had their choice of takeaway.

I am nothing but amenable. Maybe that's the problem.

I'm a bloody pushover.

But that sounds like a very reasonable request - not to have Chinese because they've had it recently. And was it really important to you which you had? Surely the point was to have them over for a nice meal. If you really didn't want them to have a say in which takeaway you ordered, why ask?

I'm a bit baffled as to why you think this incident is so damning of your DiL if I'm honest.

I think it's revealing that you blame her for 'controlling his time' rather than seeing it as him choosing to spend time with her of his own accord.

We suggested a Chinese. Ds was fine with that. After an hour he texted to say could we have a Indian instead.. because they had had a Chinese 3 nights before.

MY dh cant say no to his parents or express his wants.

A million times they have said stuff and without thinking he said YES. He was never encouraged to express his own wants. So many times he has said yes, got off phone and then thought about it and with my help been able to say what he wants,

Middleton your not coming across well to me, you dont sound amiable and I think you are jealous.

I think it's revealing that you blame her for 'controlling his time' rather than seeing it as him choosing to spend time with her of his own accord

I agree. sounds bitter. its totally natural he wants to hang out with his GF and not mummy!

ou need to reflect that this is what he wants - so even if he breaks up with this girlfriend, if he likes woman like this, the next will probably be very similar

Yes.

Its staggers me how some mothers think so lowly of their sons that their son is in the grip of another woman, instead of choosing his own way.

I was brought up with the understanding that you grow up, leave home and start your own family. Then your parents get on with their lives, and you get on with yours. You meet for 'high days and holidays', chat on the phone etc but as an adult your own immediate family (partner, children) comes first. It worked for my parents, and works for me. My MIL has a different view on 'family' due to her upbringing being different. My DH prefers the way my family do things. We made lots of effort to compromise, and visit more often, but it never satisfied her, and just irritated him (I didn't actually mind - I'd find visiting my family often suffocating, but visiting his doesn't bother me!!). I think a compromise will be found that suits everyone, but I'm sure she blames me for him not visiting too often, when it's actually due to me insistence that we go at all!

*my insistence

alice u poor thing...

Many women if the previous generation have not had the lives we have had, the opportunities we have had.
They are the product of their (sexist) times. Yes Word, I think things will ease a little as we not only have the usual problems but the very different expectations of some MIL housewives believing sons should be waited on...clashing with the more modern woman.

MY DH was told well done by his mum because she knew the poor thing had to help round the house AND with the children and in the garden and work bless his cotton socks....shame he coldnt have married someone like her...

Yes Bronya that sounds like the natural order of things, and I tend to find usually if they get on, once the DC have children of their own, they gravitate back to parents...

Middleton, "jockeying" isn't exactly what you did as you acquiesced, but you felt it as a slight, which to me suggests you feel very much that the choice should have been yours and the DIL is being "uppity". So no, not jockeying in this case, but very conscious of the hierarchical implications in every decision.

I am a stranger on the internet so I can highlight that in a way that maybe people closer to you can't. But if I were you, I would watch that. You can take the stress out of some situations by not seeing them as win or lose. In this case you could be quite relaxed about it and say "Indian, why not" - or if you don't feel that way you could get two takeaways - or a third option, something you would both like. But honestly I would strongly recommend that you look into your heart before you go down either if those two routes and ask yourself: do I really not want to eat Indian takeaway, because I don't like the taste? Or do I not want her to choose? If the latter, and if you don't tweak your attitude, you are making things too hard for yourself and things are going to blow up one day

I often real MIL stories on here and feel very sorry for the poster having to put up with such a toxic MIL.

But I just as often read them and feel very sorry for the MIL having to put up with such an intolerant/possessive/petty/defensive DIL and picture the poor woman walking around on egg shells trying not to cause offence.

I agree with that. It's important to 'ring fence' mentally what really matters to you. Your line. Hold on to that in your head. And not to battle so hard over the other stuff that when it comes to the stuff that really matters to you, people react as though you're off again.

Very much agree rose

Haven't read the whole thread (I know, I know ) but OP - YANBU. As Falling says, there are definitely threads where the behaviour from the MiL is horrendous; however, there are just as many threads from DiL where you thing "oh FFS, stop making such a big drama out of things".

There definitely seems to be a difference in what a Mum is allowed to get away with, and what a MiL can get away with.

I always believed that some dils were unduly harsh on their mils; that is until I married my dh. I then understood why some dills refused to have anything to do with their mils.
My mil is a truly awful mil.

Mothers who only have sons have a lot to worry about based on threads on here. I have read quite a few posts recently from DIL complaining that the MIL needs some help/support/looking after and how dare she encroach on "their" family time/resources/money

It has nothing to do with hierarchy.

Anyone who wanted their choice of takeaway would have had an eye roll from me not just future dil.

It was a bit rude imo. And highlighted the fact that she always likes things her way.

I'm not sure how you think she ok to do that?
Unless you like things your way too.

WrecktheHalls - oh God, that sounds unbelievably tough, especially as a new mother!

I do suspect that there is something about women being taught to compete with each other for male attention at the root of some of this behaviour. I would guess that because as an idea it was stronger in our in laws generation than it is now, thanks to feminism, it may explain some of the very odd behaviour that you and others have witnessed, particularly where DPs come from houses with lots of boys.

I also think there's something about old-fashioned gender roles that in some cases (not all!) has led to boys being treated as little princes, while girls have to learn how to do chores and 'serve' men and manage relationships, which doesn't help!

And like I said we did get an Indian.
Which DH isn't keen on and why we chose Chinese.
He ended up with leftover chilli!
So please don't say I'm trying to cause trouble. That's not fair.

Anyone who wanted their choice of takeaway would have had an eye roll from me not just future dil.

Me too. If you are invited over for a takeaway you take what you get. It is the same as asking your host not to serve chicken because you had it the night before. Not very polite and fairly precious.

Still Middleton, your son could be at the besotted stage where he is saying"are you sure that is what you want, mum wouldn't mind at all, she just wants you t have what you like, go on would you prefer an indian?" so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

"I'm not sure how you think she ok to do that?
Unless you like things your way too."

No, I said above that I would never do that. I just wouldn't.

you (Middle and your dil) sound more alike, in that respect, to each other, than either of you are to me. I wouldn't ask, and I wouldn't mind if someone else did.

In an isolated incident you wouldn't mind but add it to numerous other acts of selfishness I dare say you would.

MiddletonPink, would you rather they had not joined you for takeaway? Or would you rather compromise on the choice of meal to have the company of your son and his gf?

It seems to me you're looking for issues. Do you think that the shoe will never be on the other foot when he is at his gf's parents? They're having pizza for dinner and ask him if he wants to stay, and he says he would like to stay for dinner but just isn't struck on the idea of pizza. Does that make him controlling, manipulative and underhanded? Probably not. It just makes him someone who doesn't fancy pizza tonight.

Honestly, chose your battles. If the vibe coming off you on this thread is anything to go by, both your son and his gf have noticed your issues already. You might not like it, but she is his priority now. If he is affected her by her choices in meals, it's his CHOICE to be affected. If he used to love eggs and now refuses to eat them because his gf doesn't like them, that too is his choice. No one is holding a gun at his head.

Had I said no we are having Chinese I guess you'd be saying I was out of order. Putting my foot down.

See how I still can't win?

Even though I said "sure that's fine" and no mention of it when they came.

These comments just back up my theory that with se women the MIL will always be wrong.

What vibe lemon? I'm not getting any vibe form Middleton at all - honestly, all these unsubstantiated claims of "they're getting a vibe, you have issues" are pointless.