To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

[MiddletonPink]

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman

I don't think it's about DILs forcing DHs to 'choose' between MIL and DW at all.

I think the problems come because people refuse to be flexible. A bit of give and take is needed on both sides. Just because your family has always done things a certain way doesn't mean that way is sensible, works, or should continue in the event of family changes.

As with all relationships, listening and being willing to compromise are important. I do think there is sometimes a rush to suggest drastic measures on Mumsnet instead of recognising that relationships are long term and take effort and work - and that forgiveness and some tolerance are important. On the other hand, though, time and time again MIL threads suggest that the older generation are being less than helpful/adaptable. (Not everyone, though - in every MIL thread there is always someone who is a MIL and sounds absolutely lovely in terms of how considerate they are. But then again, that's why they are reading the thread in the first place - to make sure they're not THAT MIL!).

I too found defending myself made my dh's mother cry.

Never mind, it has been a masterclass in how not to behave with my own kids.

Her side of the story is that I was unfriendly, not good enough and awful from the start when really I was a young awkward person not sure what to say. It is also true that some of MiL/DiL problems are caused by anything-for-an-easy-life men who won't address issues. (It is up to OPs son to maintain his relationship with his mother.)

It's not all generational, my Mum doesn't go in for melodramas and always maintains relationships well. Nor does she play off one bit of the family against another - when is that going to end well?

AliceAldi, that sounds like a woman I know (my own age)... google Histrionic personality Disorder. I hate the name, but I think you will read it and it will be like bingo.

The woman I know my own age who I have "diagnosed" with HPD, she takes a grain of truth and twists it to give it the most negative interpretation possible and then repeats it to anybody who'll isten. She has invented quite serious medical conditions (that she does NOT have). She will tell person Y that person X said this or that about them and she will enjoy the misunderstand and hurt and confusion that it causes, if the person doesn't realise that they're being wound up for the drama. I was a 'victim' of this woman for a while. She decided to bountifully bestow some random but unsolicited (patronising) generosity upon me and when I wasn't sufficiently grateful she suddenly seemed intent upon excluding me and interrupting me. If I were talking to somebody she'd come along and literally stand between me and the person I was talking to. There were a number of jaw-dropping comments to me that were so 'silkily rude' it was breath-taking. I think she needs to see a psychiatrist. I feel so sorry for the woman that marries her son!!!!

ps, I think that MILs that lack confidence really struggle to behave well towards DILs that have a health self-esteem. One of the reasons my MIL hated me when I left her son was that she herself hadn't had the ovaries to leave his father. I know this is true. She hates me for being stronger and wiser and for not taking any crap. She took a lot of crap and she was manipulated and disrespected for a lot of her life, and rather than have a boundary and reject that life, she thought she'd peck below her on the food chain, or, what she perceived to be beneath her iyswim. Then when I wasn't manipulated she was so angry!

She used to tell me these 'anectodal stories' made up stories which were supposed to be a subtle way of making her point. But instead of saying 'oh gosh I think I'll learn a lesson from what happened to your neighbour's cleaners niece" I would say 'how dreadful for them' and not take the bait!

Wow, I do not miss my xmil. for me. [fags] for her.

Rosdearg - I'm not totally with your example as my mil has had everyone dancing to her tune for years and is lazy and demanding but I do think you are onto something.

I think some mils mine included have a preconceived idea in their head about what things will be like when their DS meets a partner.

When the DIL doesn't measure up for whatever reason then the fireworks start!

My DM said to me when she was younger and we were babies it was the done thing to go and spend the day at people houses. She would go to her DM every tues and to her MIL every thurs. Just to sit there all day for company. She said everyone did it, my aunts etc. I was honestly shocked it wouldn't of entered my head to do that.

So you could have MILs sat there thinking oh when the baby comes DIL will be over visiting me all the time... In hindsight my MIL visited her own DM every tues without fail until she passed away.

Maybe it is a generational thing? Don't get me wrong I spend time with family, pop in for coffees, round for tea etc but it wouldn't enter my head to turn up on my MILs doorstep at 9 in the morning and sit there all day!

That's probably true of most AIBU stories. I frequently read them wondering what the other side would say.

"I don't think it's about DILs forcing DHs to 'choose' between MIL and DW at all. I think the problems come because people refuse to be flexible."

MIl has often said to me that when a man gets married his first responsibility is to his wife not his mother. I wish all MILs had this view as, judging from the many MIL threads on here, this is very clearly not the case.

If I invite them for a meal DS asks what we are having. DS has never endured about what I'm serving before he met GF

My DH probably never asked this before he met me either but it's only because his DM already knew his food tastes but hadn't a clue about mine. Nothing odd about asking what the meal is - particularly for a fussy eater like myself.

I love my PILs to bits and I'm another Mnetter who cringes often about the MIL threads on here, they can't all be bad surely? I know first babies cause a bit of 'advice giving' from MILs but I sometimes think people need to be a bit more tolerant and patient, MILs may dislike lots about DILs too.

There is definitely 2 sides to my MIL story, she told me her side years ago!
I found her overbearing and really bloody annoying for a long time, as usual especially after the birth of our eldest. The list of things that irritated and upset me would fill a book so I'm not going into it BUT weirdly I now understand her reasoning:
I am one of 3 DIL's she has. 2 of them are happy to have them over involved in her life, use her for free childcare and tell her everything. I was the last of the 3 to join them and have been raised to be very independent and am a qualified, experienced nursery nurse (she disagrees with pre school nurseries) so didn't ask her for as much help or expect as much involvement as she did. She described me and still does occasionally as 'willfull' and stubborn, I just wanted her to back off.
It took years of stand offs, arguments and tears (mainly her) for us to understand each other and we get along great now. Hard work getting here though!

Ten years ago I used to rant and rave about my nightmare MIL.

She is old and frail now, and I feel a lot more compassion towards her.

I totally see her side of things - a mother of four sons, motherless herself, never had any close female relationships and was uber threatened by her 'boys' forming close relationships with women that excluded her, coupled with her real awkwardness around forming relationships with other women.

She was a bloody nightmare, though! Such a self pitying, woe is me type, and a complete catty bitch if ever challenged.

She had REASONS...still not EXCUSES for her shit behaviour over the years. But hey ho...she has mellowed a bit and I keep the peace because she DH's mum (so she cant be all that bad!) and she is old - life is too short to harbour bitterness.

My MIL didn't 'turn' when I came along, she has always been like it. DH has said that about his own mum. That she is selfish and lazy.

The only thing that I happened to do was not put up with it. I questioned her behaviour because to me, who came from a pretty normal family, would never dream of acting/saying the things she did.
It wasnt normal.
It took just over 4 years but DH saw exactly what she was like. He told me he could just ignore it, but when he met me and we had DD it was effecting all of us.

The funny thing is, she doesn't talk to her side of the family because they are all horrible, she also hates everyone she works...obviously its all them. Not her.

She told me she hadoesn't gotten a promotion at work. ..she also told my friend..who happens to know a person MIL works with and happened to mention that she knows her managers DIL...she lied. She wasn't the manager and didn't have a promotion!

With her DHs side (Not my DHs bio dad) she slag's them off to me, the way she spoke about them it was obvious she really dislikes them..When I met them, she couldn't of got any further up all their arses. I was because a week before she was really laying into them!

I feel really sorry for her. She has no emotional intelligence therefore she must be really lonley and it's all her own doing.

WrecktheHalls - interesting. I have always suspected that there something very unusual about some mother/son relationships (esp in very male-dominated households) that causes some of these problems, and that there is a kind of Freudian jealousy at the heart of some MIL behaviour.

Jayne I know all of her likes and dislikes. She doesn't eat a lot of things so I only cook what she does like.

Not long ago we invited them round for a takeaway as I'd not been well. We suggested a Chinese. Ds was fine with that. After an hour he texted to say could we have a Indian instead.. because they had had a Chinese 3 nights before.

So I could either say no we wanted Chinese or give in.

My MIL was ok till we had kids, and then she wanted to be mum.

Criticised everything - my weight weeks post natally, breastfeeding, when he was on solids she wanted to add salt to his food- for taste. She'd taste it and spit it out - saying yuck. That kind of thing. I felt so unhappy and unsupported by DH that I do think she helped spoil those early days.

I know DH could have stood up to her - but mostly she made sure to critiscise when he wasn't around. And we were young and inexperienced.

Now she's older and much more frail, I've learned to stand up to her and answer her back and DH backs me up.
I feel slightly sorry for her - but mostly I tolerate her politely. If she'd been kinder years ago our relationship would be a whole lot better now.

Love my mil so much. She would do anything for us. We currently have a pest control situation at home and I immediately decamped to her flat. She welcomed us with open arms, won't take any financial contribution to food or bills, cooks for everyone, coos over ds2, has ds1 cosleeping with her and still does four 13 hour shifts as a carer every week. She is my hero!

outofcontrol - I think thats partly it, yes. My MIL was outraged that she couldnt stay with us immediately (the day after) our first child was born and accused me of engineering it (DH was actually the one who said 'maybe not a great idea') and accused me of being 'jealous'.

In actual fact, I think SHE was jealous of my role in a very very primal way. She wanted to be the woman alongside DH, enjoying the new baby. It was very, very strange. She hated me breastfeeding ('you'll spoil him!') and used to pick my DS up from naps and wake him up and call him 'MY little boy' etc...she almost found it hard to accept he was my child and not hers and DH's!

I know people say 'one day you'll be the MIL' etc - but honestly, I cant imagine wanting the birth of my children's children to be all about ME and MY bond with the baby. I find that awfully strange.

yeh, that's quite common wreckthehalls, and my x was one of four boys too! My xmil was spitting feathers that she didn't have a say in baby's name. (although, she kind of ended up having a name because she influenced my x. He was trying to pick a name he knew she'd like more than he was trying to compromise with me). But the baffling part of it was that she truly believed she had as much say in the name of my baby as I did. When I suggested a name she'd put her head to one side and say "but you have to think of the child " the names I was suggesting were like Clara, Louisa... not crazy names!

Now I don't have to see her every thursday anymore, yes an all day visit when she just hung around all day, I couldn't understand it but reading these posts it seems it's normal, anyway, now my daughter is older and beautiful and clever and confident and acts in local plays etc, xmil says "she gets it from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". I'm thinking eh, and maybe from ME ?? oh, and the years and years and years of drama/music/dancing lessons that I paid for? maybe just maybe it's all those lessons I paid for huh?

I'm not bitter! I' m just glad I'm out of the circus, honestly.

Oh dear! Lol

My MIL lives abroad, which softens the blow a bit. She still says ridiculous things and takes at offence at virtually anything I do or say, but I pretend to be oblivious and that seems to make her pipe down a bit.

She also has to concede now that I make more effort with her than her own son. I arranged her birthday party when she was over in the Spring and I think she really did see the effort I had made and that if it weren't for me, it wouldn't have happened. She didnt say 'thanks' of course

"After an hour he texted to say could we have a Indian instead.. because they had had a Chinese 3 nights before.

So I could either say no we wanted Chinese or give in."

Sorry but in that case I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other - jockeying for position for the sake of it. You can't both win if one of you is the type to ask your hosts to choose a takeaway to suit you, and the other considers that really offensive. I would never dream of phoning back to ask for the Indian; nor would I mind if someone else did, yep, a bit cheeky, but not the end of the world.

I think there is a bit of pointless top-doggery on both sides in this one.

wreckthehalls, that was the point at which my xmil had to grudgingly back off and stop insulting me. I had left her son and it was him holding her back, whilst I wrote dutiful (but very succinct) thank you notes on behalf of dc. I also tipped her off a few times. eg in the thank you note "i hope that you will be in town when the children are with their father between the 26th dec and the 4th of jan" kind of thing. innocent on the face of it. Just 'i hope you'll see each other' but her own precious son didn't want her around and that must have hurt her. I guess it has grown harder for her to blame me now, knowing as she must that the last few times she's seen the children it's been because I have been the one to let her know that they were there. . But again, it's a fine line for me to tread and I don't want to piss off their father if he doesn't want to invite his mother over. It's 'his' time and not for me to try and control what goes on during his time. So I don't interfere much. :-p

I think ils were expected to behave with respect due; almost like a hierarchical caste system. I'm very glad that I feel I don't need to comply. Respect that goes one way is contempt.

I think my ILS and my oh expected me to fit on with them. My family has their way, oh's has another and together, we wanted to find our own normal. I think some of the older generation take a decision to do things on this as a judgement against them.

It can be easier to blame a dil for the bad things and praise dss for the good. In my case oh is responsible for a fraction of the contact that I otherwise facilitate. Unlike others, I don't feel in laws are my family. They are important to by association; I want my oh and ds to have a good relationship.

My life is very different from the women in my family. I work full time and earn a lot more than my oh. My priority is my 7yo and I don't have as much spare time as they did. They has a lot of help; we have little or none. I don't have time to see my friends and so I do begrudge some times I spend with both our parents. Comments like 'ooo you must be loaded' because we both work get on my tits. If I didn't need to work, I wouldn't. I'm not bad a budgeting because mortgage prices and childcare costs wipe me out. Neither side help with childcare despite the support they had. Such different lives make it hard for all concerned to empathise.

*pushing her away not 'holding her back'. urgh

Go and have a look on the Gransnet Realationship forum if you want the MILs' point of view... loads of threads about horrid DILs there.