To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

[MiddletonPink]

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman

Thanks for saying that SirC.
There is no vibe at all from me. I have been on MN long enough to know what not to say or do in the Mil dept!

I'm supportive, don't butt in their business, buy her lovely presents ( that I know she wants ) for birthday/Christmas and try and be friendly.

I do like her. I just think she can be self centred.

No OP, we wouldn't say you were out of order, if you had said "no, we're having a chinese because your dad doesn't eat Indian, if you don't fancy it, don't worry, we'll do something another night." that would have been perfectly aceptable. They asked if they could have Indian instead of Chinese because they'd already had a chinese takeaway that week. It's not a very "princessy" request - not really high maintenance, you don't know that if you'd said "no, your dad doesn't eat indian" they would still have not come.

It seems you view any suggestion that things are done differently as being 'difficult' this isn't a difficult thing, but what it is, is your DIL treating you as another adult, her equal, not a child/parent relationship - you are used to just telling your DS what you will be having and expect he'll go along with it. Your DIL is treating you like her equal and assumes her preferences are equal to yours.

They didn't demand a change, they requested. You interpreted the request as a demand.

The takeaway issue, let me tell you how it would play out in our house.

DH out phone down to MIL. DH says to me MIL fancies Chinese. Me yeah fine, mind we've had it loads lately. DH yeah I'm a bit sick of Chinese I'll see if they want to do Indian. Me whatever I don't mind. DH I fancy an Indian not had one for ages DM won't mind I'll text her. Me whatever, I'm not bothered.

Then it's all my fault and I'm a selfish cow.

Do you not think that the reason he text you is because he loves you and thinks you won't mind? Because you're his mum? The thought that you were going to be upset won't of entered his head or he wouldn't of done it.

If the same happened to me and DH didn't want Chinese I'd text my mum in a heartbeat and would think nothing of it and my mum would not care and if she did she'd say so.

That's just one princessy incident though.
Add them up and then ask yourself how you'd ask?

You seem to be ignoring that point.

I don't understand why if one of you doesn't eat Indian you would then agree to have it?

This is why my husband's mother hates me isn't it?

Fwiw I happily host her visits- favourite foods and all - but no longer go to be treated oddly at hers because I can't mind read.

Look - none of us were there for the Chinese/Indian episode. The OP has stated how she felt, and she explained that she was perfectly polite when her DS and GF turned up. No 'vibes', no 'issues'.

Turn that around however, and there would be numerous posts claiming that it was unfair of the MiL to ask for Indian because she'd had Chinese 3 nights ago - and then there would be further numerous posts expressing incredulity that someone couldn't have Chinese more than once a week, and how the MiL should be grateful she was being invited into the home of the DiL.

All I'm trying to say is don't automatically blame the DIL you don't know what was said to prompt the text and I'm sure your DS wouldn't intend to upset you.

On the other hand some people are just hard work regardless of their age or relationships.

In most groups there's always the one person who doesn't want to go there or do that and is 'awkward' I know there are in my groups of friends. I don't know how some of my friends DH's put up with them.

Perhaps your DS has bagged one of those kind of people? Nothing to do with you or a MIL/DIL thing, she's just a pain in the arse.

LetsTurnTheHeatingOn I do like Indian and so do the other dc. It's DH that's not keen.

But we all ( including ds and GF like Chinese ) hence the suggestion to order it.

I cannot see how anyone can say I was in the wrong when we had the Indian even though DH had to make do with reheated chilli and I was all smiles when they arrived and didn't bring it up.

Although some of you will say I was wrong for thinking it was a bit selfish no doubt.

And Jammy when I initially text ds to say do they fancy coming for a Chinese his response was ' yeah great ' it was only an hour or so later he texted to see if we could have Indian, so he was ok with it.

You are a MiL Middleton - ergo, you are can do no right. The mere fact that you think less than favourable thoughts about your DiL means that you have issues, give off vibes, and make it crystal clear that you can't stand the woman. She, on the other hand, is entitled to think less than favourable thoughts about you, it doesn't matter if she reveals her feelings for you because you should be glad that your son is happy, and furthermore it's her house/her kids and she can do what she wants.

Or something along those lines.

Maybe she is just a pain. I just don't do mind reading well and this is where I struggled with my own particular in-law!

But you ASKED what they wanted - I thought? And they expressed a preference in response. I think it's a bit much to read princessy behaviour into that. Especially as you don't know whether it was her or him who plumped for Indian. And it's really a bit much to expect her to know that your DH doesn't like Indian - it's your son's fault if he didn't think of that. And there was nothing to stop you replying to say that you would prefer Chinese and maybe coming to a compromise.

I take your word for it that there's a whole load of princessy behaviour behind this one incident but on it's own I don't really think her behaviour is as much at fault as you're making out.

But OP, you seem to see asking for something different to what you want is princessy. Are you just not used to people wanting things different to you? If you said "no, that doesn't work for us" and your DIL kicked off at not getting her own way, then it might be a sign she was 'spoilt' but just asking the question is not.

I suppose if you are used to the 'children' of the family just going along with what the 'parents' want, then you might see it as 'spoilt' to have raised children to feel they can have an opinion or ask for something different. Your DIL probably does have a good laugh with you as she hasn't even considered that sometimes asking "can we do/have X rather than Y?" then you saying "yes of course we can have/do X" that actually, you don't want/like X and think she's in the wrong for even asking.

Asking if it's ok if a takeaway is Indian rather than chinese isn't princessy at all. It really isn't. Most people wouldn't interpret it as such. You have seen it as an example of how 'hard work' she is, but it might be more an example of how you aren't liking your position as the main female in your family being questioned...

OP, learn to treat her as an equal and not question her right to not want the same as you, and you being allowed to say 'no' as long as you are polite about it, otherwise you are just goingto be a seething ball of anger with a fake smile on your face at all these perceived 'slights'.

They're not even married yet SirC god help me!

I don't see how I could do anything better or different to how I am with her tbh. There's never any criticism only compliments, never give advice, listen for hours about her job, take her out ( and pay ) for lunch ( to places of her choice ) ask ds what she would like for birthdays and Christmas to make sure it's something she wants/likes.
Always notice new clothes/haircut and say how lovely they are!

Christ writing all that down I sound like an angel!

But making a polite request fot an Indian over a Chinese is not a princessey thing at all. It is just a request.

Why is her preferring a Indian less valid than your DH not preferring one?

No I didn't ask what they wanted Treats. I said would you like to come for a chinese.

Mary are you the sodding future dil?

Needs as I've said about 3 times in isolation it's not that princessy.

But when you look at the bigger picture I think it was.

And when someone has invited you and will be paying I think it's rude. It's not something I would do.

Be kind to yourself Middleton and don't try so hard to squash your own wishes. You might be lulling her into a false sense of security and if/when you blow your top it will be an awful shock to them both.

Mary reading your post at 17.52 saddens me actually.

You say treat her as an equal. So really I should have said ' nope sorry it's Chinese ' instead of letting her have Indian.

But can you not see how me doing that would have been perceived as being the ' mil from hell '

It's like you're saying that no matter I do I should give in and feel gracious about it.

There are other examples of having to change the menu, change the restaurant, change the time of something because it didn't suit for whatever reason.

How in any way is that fair? And how are people like me supposed to not get fed up with it?

"I cannot see how anyone can say I was in the wrong when we had the Indian even though DH had to make do with reheated chilli and I was all smiles when they arrived and didn't bring it up."

It sounds as if you behaved perfectly, but you resented it. And it is the resentment that everyone is picking up on.

"But when you look at the bigger picture I think it was."
Now that's different. If the bigger picture is that DIL is someone who always has to pick and quibble until everything is to her convenience, then yes, she is being (probably completely unknowingly) a pain in the arse, and I think you should learn some techniques to deal with that rather than stewing over it and potentially ruining a decent (if not perfect) relationship.

In this case I think you should have stalled and thought about it (you can do this when you get a text) rather than rolling over and getting Indian. As you are clearly pissed off about it (as symbolic of a range of things, I get that)

Here is the generation gap in action: older women (GROSS GENERALISATION ALERT) don't do assertive, therefore don't get what they want, therefore resent younger women who do do assertive, and they seethe.

Suggestion for next time

"that would be a lovely idea for another time when DH can't join us, but as he can't eat it, I think it would be nicer to stick with the Chinese which we would all enjoy, and then it can be a treat for everyone!"

"And when someone has invited you and will be paying I think it's rude. It's not something I would do." no, neither would I. the "who is hosting" thing is a good point. Maybe turn it round and say "oh well we were going to host and get Chinese for everyone, but if you want to make it a joint thing and bring some dishes, then Indian would be fine"

BE ASSERTIVE
Then you will find out if she is a spoilt cow or just "modern"

How do you know it was she who didn't want the Chinese? How do you know that your son didn't just change his mind?

Why didn't you just say "your dad doesn't like Indian" which, imo, would trump having had a Chinese a few days ago. Whether or not your dil remembers your dh's food preferences, it seems your ds doesn't.

You could have all had a pizza, or something.

I think you assumed dil was behind it, and did it on purpose and wouldn't have been satisfied with anything else, but you didn't suggest a further alternative or even mention your dh's dislike of their choice. Why on earth not? I think it was your responsibility that your dh was left eating heated up chili, not your dil's.

Pink, you have a generation on this girl. You're an adult married woman and mother. You're on a forum slagging off your son's young girlfriend. Be the adult. Rise above it. She is your son's girlfriend. If he doesn't like her behaviour, or her "demands", or her princess-like behaviour, that's for him to decide. Not you. Carry on like this and you're headed for disaster.

"You say treat her as an equal. So really I should have said ' nope sorry it's Chinese ' instead of letting her have Indian."

I don't think you have to be snippy. You can negotiate over the DH not liking Indian thing. Throw that out there and see what she does with it, force her to show her true colours if she effectively says "I don't care about him, it's all about me". You can do that without just saying "nope, sorry"

"But can you not see how me doing that would have been perceived as being the ' mil from hell '"

not necessarily, unless she is batshit insane (disclaimer, she might be)

"It's like you're saying that no matter I do I should give in and feel gracious about it."

No! We're saying don't give in ungraciously. You can hold your ground if you choose to.

I think this is fascinating - one of the really interesting things about it is that your problem with the Indian is that your DH doesn't like it. Not you! Your role in protecting the interests of the Man of the House is being compromised by a Young Female Whippersnapper and it feels wrong to you. But it also feels very very wrong to you to be assertive. There is deep programming here. From where I am sitting the jury is out on whether or to what degree the DIL is selfish (although I think she is arguably at least a bit selfish in not recognising how deeply you are programmed and recognising she can't expect you to stand up for what you want, and she should make more of an effort to intuit it). But the culprit here, the guilty party, is Patriarchal Programming that is making it impossible for you to say, however sweetly, "that is quite difficult for us. We suggested x for the reason y. Your suggestion z is really quite tricky"

Here is the generation gap in action: older women (GROSS GENERALISATION ALERT) don't do assertive, therefore don't get what they want, therefore resent younger women who do do assertive, and they seethe.

Very good point. But sometimes I think people see things as passive aggressive, when actually the person (mil) is trying to be polite or at least non-confrontational. Eg instead of saying, "I don't like Chinese," someone might say about having had it two days ago.

When all's said and done, however, I think the dil/mil relationship is fraught because you do not have that family closeness in which rows do not matter. My mil was fairly awful. But the thing is, if it had been my mother , I would have called her on things that annoyed or upset me. My mum might have been mad and there may well have been a bit of door slamming and phone being hurled down. But it would all have been forgotten a minute later. But being my mil , I couldn't possibly have said anything, so had to seethe and boil however dreadful her behaviour.

It sounds as if you behaved perfectly, but you resented it. And it is the resentment that everyone is picking up on.

I agree with that except I don't think you can do something with resentment, and do it perfectly at the same time. I do agree though that the resentment is dripping off of the OP. I see this with a lot of my friends now too, unfortunately, as their children become young adults and join the dating game. There is a lot of this resentment from parents towards the "interloper" bf/gf of their child.