To go NC with MIL

[passthedouche]

This is a long story I'm afraid but the details are important I think. I have known my MIL since I was 13 (when DH and I were first dating), I am now 40, and we have always had a strained relationship. She is very passive-aggressive, and makes snidey underhand comments about me - everything from my looks, the way I parent, the way I run the house, how much work I do/DH does etc - that I just try to ignore. It is never outright criticism but very indirect and underhand. She also sulks with both me and DH, and we often have no clue why. She kinda gives you the silent treatment or starts blanking you. It is very weird and uncomfortable. I make a very big effort to make her feel welcome when she stays - in fact DH says I bend over backwards and am almost arse-kissy, but it doesn't help. We now live in different countries so she visits us for a week at a time about 3-4 times a year. She used to stay in our house, but I put a stop to that as it was too much pressure, so now she stays in a local B&B which is mildly better but still strained.

Things got more serious about 5 years ago, when my now 14yo DD was 9 yo. It started to become readily apparent that my DS (then 7) was the preferred child. She has other grandchildren, but she always talks about the boys more fondly. There was an incident during one of the visits at this time when she got annoyed with my DD (for not following one of her barked orders) and she 'sulked' with my DD. A time when she was alone with DD the treatment she usually reserved only for me was now being experienced by my DD - she said that granny was 'looking at her funny' (glaring), and wouldn't speak to her and would only acknowledge my DS. She kept saying to DD that she was only talking to DS because 'he does as I say', and 'he wouldn't tell tales to your mum'. I confronted her about this (the first time in my entire life) as although I had put up with years of her nonsense for my DH I was NOT going to allow her to treat DD like that. I had it out with her, she denied it all, accused DD of being a liar, me being hysterical and a liar too (as I had overheard some it), so I went NC with her for 3 years and refused to let her see the DC's as I felt she was toxic. DH was in bits about this and it broke my heart because he loves his DM and he was really hurting.

Fast forward to last year and my DD (now 13) asked to see her again and my DH was pushing for it too. We discussed it at length and she wanted to give her another chance and asked me to reconcile so I did. I swallowed my pride and said, for the kids sake, I thought it would be a good idea to start afresh. She never acknowledged any wrongdoing and we have had three visits since then and basically nothing has changed. My DD (now 14) doesn't really want any more to do with her and thinks she is awful. Same behaviour as before really. I never said anything to DD about what I think MIL thinks of me or my other children, but DD says that it is obvious that she prefers DS (13), hates me and is uninterested in my other two DD's (6 and 4). DD even asked me to promise I wouldn't let her look after our two younger DD's (which I never would). I agree it is pretty obvious that she does favour DS and he adores her. My other DD's adore her to, and at the moment they can't see that she favours DS but I am sure it is only a matter of time.

I have spoken to my DH countless times about his DM but he has never stood up for me or his DC's in this regard, and he never will. He thinks it is pointless and will get us nowhere. His view is that all MIL's and DIL's have issues and I am over-reacting and should just suck it up. He also doesn't think that her having an obvious favourite is a big deal. Am I being unreasonable because I think it IS a big deal and that I really don't want the DC's around this woman?

Well what about MIL being an adult and being tolerent! Op sounds like she had bent over backward to accommodate this woman and her behaviour for most of her life. It works both ways you know! What is MIL to try and be tolerent and make the peace, none from what I hear in the op. Sometimes you have to say enough, especially when the behaviour is being directed towards the children. I don't mean cut off, but definitely distance yourselves you don't have to put up with that!

I wouldn't leave her with your younger dds.

In fact I'm not sure why the op had to be the one who leaves her own home because some batshit crazy cow is coming to stay.

That's all wrong IMO.

I think the problem is with your dh. Why is he supporting her misogynistic stance? Why is he not supporting you? It's a horrible example for your daughters that their father expects them to put up with this crap, that's way more damaging than her dreadful behaviour.

As for the posters who expect you to "suck it up" really?

If some of op's children were white and some black and mil heavily favoured the white grandchildren and made derogatory remarks about her black grandchildren, would that be acceptable?

whilst my dad's mum was alive I was your daughter Op. from the age of about 6 my nan lied about me to my dad saying I had been rude, called her names etc and dad believed every single word. I received some horrific beatings as a result and she would sit back and smirk. as I got older the lies got worse, apparently I had smashed a plate and then walked out the house telling her to "pick it up your fucking self" in spite of the fact my friends mum called my parents and told them I had arrived at her house at 9am and not left til she had dropped me home at 6pm. at 14 and in my own home she told me I was not allowed to invite friends into HER house without asking her first. my mum knew my friend was coming over buy had nipped out leaving nan looking after my younger sister and had told nan that friend was on her way. this was the last straw and I did yell at her that it was my house not hers and I would invite whomever the hell I liked and she could piss off. needless to say I couldn't sit for a week but I felt better for standing up to her.

do not tolerate her behaviour, she is abusing your eldest daughter and will in all likelihood abuse the younger two also. protect your daughters and make sure that dh grows a pair and takes off his rose tinted glasses before your daughter hates you both. as a result of my childhood I have a very poor relationship with both my parents for failing to protect me and always believing the vicious bitch esp as dad's sister has acted similarly towards my mum and has never made any effort to have a relationship with my sister and she has been vilified and excommunicated. but apparently it's different cos she is his sister not his mum and it was my precious younger sister upset not me

I think you will never change your MIL. I also don't think your DH will alter his opinion of his DM, no matter what anyone says.

For your DSs and DHs sake you can't cut off all contact. So basically you just have to put up with this awful woman for their sakes.

What you can do though is to talk to your daughters to ameliorate the toxic affect MIL may have on them. Make a big fuss of the younger two when she is there and favouring DS. Talk to the older DD and validate her feelings about GM. Talk to your DH so that he understands you are tolerating his DM for his and DSs sake and the bad affect it has on your DDs so that he does not perpetuate his mothers view of girls.

Your poor daughters - and poor you. As a MIL myself, I think the behaviour of yours is appalling. I wouldn't blame you one iota for going NC. As for your husband - please, what wimp - he should man up and read the riot act to his dear old mum - she sounds ghastly, unfeeling and downright cruel.

Exactly why should op leave her home. She is insulting about op, her looks, her parenting, she doesent particularly like girls, the youngest dd will notice soon. Does she treat them negatively from your ds? Yes op DH has to stand up and get a backbone, yes he has a ds, but he also has three girls to protect. I would be tougher on him, or yiu will see tge yon get girls replicate the behaviour of their older sister. This us creating a bad example to ds, that women are not good and can be treated badly as granny is doing, dad is an ineffective role model. Sorry mil behaviour is not on! How many times do I read in mumsnet that it is unacceptable to treat grandchildren differently and to openly favouritism, this is happening right here and it has to stop!

I suggested that op go out to avoid a confrontation, MIL would enjoy this & play the, "oh how awful DIL is to lovely old me," card. If op goes out, she removes herself & DD from the line of fire & let's her DH get it & do all the waiting on hand & foot that is required.
I think that when DH has it all to deal with, contact will die a natural death without the op needing to be part of blamed for any of it!

They can meet mil at her hotel and go out, no need for her to be in the home. Op DH has no backbone, and if he carries on like this, will loose the respect of his dd when they are older.

I agree that you and your eldest dd shouldn't have anymore contact with her but I don't think you have the right to stop your DH and other children from seeing her if they want to see her.

I'm a GM. I think this woman's behaviour is unforgivable and she doesn't deserve to have a relationship with her GC.

What message does it send the OP's son that he is on a pedestal and his sisters are treated badly?

If her DH still wants to see her and refuses to can't see the damage that she is doing I suggest that he visits her at her B&B and the children are kept out of it.

Again, I don't see that the OP has the right to stop her children seeing their grandmother though if they want to and her DH who is also their parent wants them to.

OP has every right to protect her children - and if that means by removing them from the influence of a toxic grandmother, then so be it. The boy will be being damaged as well as the girls because it's unhealthy for anyone to be indoctrinated into misogyny.

Yes Nanny0gg, that's a good compromise. Let DH have the hassle. It sounds like DS is beginning to wise up to MIL already.

See her but call her out on her comments every time -her : spiteful comment - you : you really are a spiteful woman who will never learn aren't you, I suggest you apologise and try to maintain a more civil tongue" make her as uncomfortable as she does you, let it explode if it has to. Every comment make your statement and cut the activity short and leave with the dc, do not leave the dc alone with her ever. Your Dh can put up with whatever he wants to and has drawn his line, tell him your policy and that he has an opportunity to speak to his mother and address the situation but any bad behaviour will result in a telling off and end of that days visits/activities and she won't be welcome back in the house until she apologises, that any contact until she apologises will be on neutral soil so you have the option to leave ( extracting from a property is much harder and more confrontational. This way you can say your piece and go.

I'm NC with my MIL ,and you could work it the same way .when she comes to stay at the B&B your DH can go see her, take her out etc and any DC that want to go with him can do so . My MIL lives locally so my DH sees her once or twice a week , my eldest (21) has seen her about 3 times in the last 3 years ( one of those at FILs funeral) my younger dd visits about 2or 3 times a year - it works for us . My DH has always been very supportive of the decision to go NC .

If this helps. When I was about eight, my grandmother openly told my parents on front of me and my sister that she preferred our cousins over us. It wasn't even done in the heat of the moment and I remember feeling utterly heartbroken in that moment and it has coloured my thinking about her ever since even though she has been dead donkeys years.
I think you should just go back to the NC status and not compromise. Your DH just does not seem to get how seriously shitty her behaviour is.

OP has every right to protect her children - and if that means by removing them from the influence of a toxic grandmother, then so be it. The boy will be being damaged as well as the girls because it's unhealthy for anyone to be indoctrinated into misogyny.

Although OP has every right to to protect her children from something that will definitely harm them, whether or not seeing the MIL is actually harmful will be a matter of opinion. OP's DH clearly does not feel it is harmful and that they will be damaged which is unsurprising as he was brought up by the MIL and presumably doesn't feel that he has been damaged by it. OP doesn't suggest that he has been damaged by the MIL or is a misogynist either. The DH is their parent too I don't see that OP can stop him taking his children to see their grandmother if he and his children wish to go.

You've tried the reconciliation and it did not work. Your DDs were in the firing line not just you. This is absolutely not acceptable. I would also say be careful about contact with your DS, this woman sounds very manipulative and does not think anything of being awful to children. Your DS will also be vulnerable to manipulation.

Why on earth should you be tolerant of this passive-aggressiveness as some have suggested? You do not. Your DH also needs to step up rather than keep his head in the sand.

OP, with regards to how to raise this with DH, I don't think you need to go in all guns blazing.

Phrase it with regards how it is affecting you and your daughters, and ask him what you can do about it.

It might be that you are able to suggest a compromise - that while you're prepared to continue contact, you would feel more comfortable if you're both on the look out for damaging behaviour, and that you agree, both of you, to call her on her behaviour each and every time whether it leads to a row or not.

You can point out that you need to be giving DD1 particularly, as well of your other children, that there are certain behaviours that you just will not tolerate. Your DD needs to know that you will not accept people making her feel uncomfortable or lying to her. That she is worth much more than that.

I think if I were having the conversation, I would start it based on 'what do we really want for our daughter? What do we want her to feel about how we have protected and guided her. Nobody, even people we're related to, should be above that.'

Whatever, I disagree, being the Male he would have been the favoured one, so not damaged, than if he had sisters who would have been treated differently. Yes op has the right that her children are not exposed to be treated negatively, her older dd has made that decision, I think not to see her, mabey in time as the others get older and realise the situation for what it is, they will follow suit. If MIL is negative towards her youngest dd she has every right not to expose them to that. How awful and damaging to see your brother getting all the attention, and all the love from grandma, and your not!

It is quite shocking that a lot of Mumsnetters are downplaying op concerns. Emotional abuse anyone!!!!

At least they have each other and they have you to look out for them and defend them, as they sure cannot hell rely on their spineless father. Yes the father wont't have any or many negative experiences at the hands of MIL, but if he has sisters, I bet they will tell a different story.

I would go nc with her and let her, your children and dh know why.

Aeroflotgirl I am not downplaying OPs concerns at all. I am just making the point that her DH is also their parent and as much right to decide who her children can and can't see as she does.

Whatever not if they are being emotionally abused by their grandma, she has every right to protect them as their father is not looking out for them. In her postion I would certainly keep the girls away from her if she is treating them badly.