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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go on another holiday with my 16 yr old stepson

75 replies

lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:21

Well after another monster meltdown on holiday again I have now told my OH that I won't go on holiday or weekends away with my stepson.
Every holiday for the past 6 has in some way been spoilt by his spiteful angry temper.
He is spoilt by his mother who basically lets him get away with murder. He told her to fxxk off last week and she dumped him with us. But within a few days he was home with her and was not made to apologise. He has had screaming arguments with his grandma in public on holiday calling her among other things a bitch and saying all her grand kids hate her.
The list is endless of these kind of events.
There are 2 other teenagers in the house who all have there moments but he is by far the worse.
So am I being unreasonable in saying I won't go on any holiday with him again ?

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin73 · 14/11/2014 11:27

of course you are being fuckin BBBBB UUUUUU

he is a child, and you cant just sack off a child because you dont like them.

I am sure there is a backstory but you are going to get flipping well pasted for being a stereotypical evil step mother

where is your partner in all this? if this child a demon usually? does he have any issues? whats he doing to adress it|? does he need to do some "love bombing" or invest some time into undestanding whats driving all this anger

or are just going to sack him off

Original poster
lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:30

I am not sacking him off at all. He still comes here all the time and it is me that does everything for him.
I just don't want to go on holiday with him.
I have a thick skin so flame away if you think that's appropriate.

OP posts:
Winterbells · 14/11/2014 11:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable to no longer want to go on holiday with him. No more holidays is a consequence of his bad behaviour.

I do think his anger issues should be addressed if they aren't already but I don't think that is up to you.

googoodolly · 14/11/2014 11:32

You really can't just give up on a child like that. What do you propose, taking the other teenagers and dumping him with his mother, or your OH going away and you sitting at home on your own in protest?

His behaviour doesn't sound normal to me. Teenagers have their moments but that constant level of anger definitely screams underlying issues to me. Is their any discipline from your OH? He needs rules and boundaries - punishments for bad behaviour and rewards for good. If he can't behave as a young adult, then you need to treat him like a small child.

WalkingInMemphis · 14/11/2014 11:33

He's 16, not 8, and perfectly old enough to understand that if he continues with such behaviour then he won't be taken places.

You have to put up with it (to an extent) when they have the excuse of being 'a child'. But I wouldn't put up with it at age 16.

Lasvegas · 14/11/2014 11:34

Just because you are a step parent doesn't mean you have to go on holiday with a step child.

I very rarely go on holiday with my step kids. They have different holidays dates to my DD and have different interests.

Original poster
lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:34

6 yrs ago he did go for anger management counselling but my OH was unsupportive of it so it fizzled out. He has trashed his bedroom in fits of temper. Broken into our house when specifically told not to come to the house when we were on holiday and he wanted to hold party's here. He bullies his younger brother to get his own way. Really the list is endless.
Sadly he knows that his actions never have consequences.

OP posts:
SezaMcGregor · 14/11/2014 11:35

Whoa ParistoBerlin - no need to swear at the OP.

You need to speak with your partner about this without SS around and then speak to SS together about his behaviour.

He sounds very troubled and like many teenagers his age - being 16 is a difficult time and not all children are the same so comparing him to the other two is not fair on him. He's finding his own way in the world and his life sounds very confusing with two very different parenting styles going on.

Perhaps some father/son time is necessary?

mkmjimmy · 14/11/2014 11:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it would be unreasonable for you all to go off without him and leave him at home but there's no reason why the kid can't go on holiday with his dad and siblings and you get a break. And then, if you can afford it, take some time off with your OH on his own.

Surely at 16 though the time for family holidays is going to naturally finish - he'll be off with his mates?

Yes you chose to be with his dad - and the children come with that - but your whole life doesn't have to revolve around a gobby teenager. I bet there's parents on here (not step) who would have thought twice about going on a family holiday with a their teenagers if they were screaming etc.

Does sound like the behaviour needs tackled though.

You might get more sense on the Step Parenting Board.

Original poster
lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:36

If his dad tries to even talk to him about his behaviour he will then refuse to come here.
In the past I have always been the peacemaker but now enough is enough.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 14/11/2014 11:39

I do not blame you at all. He is almost an adult. He sounds violent and volatile, you shouldn't be subjected to it. Can he not stay with his mother during the holiday. He is 16 not a small child.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 14/11/2014 11:41

YANBU

If he can't behave himself why should you let him ruin another holiday? I wouldn't want to go away with any teenager who was this horrible, whether they were my child or stepchild.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/11/2014 11:41

As usual its your partner who's the problem

You sound fine, why exactly have you decided to date and live with a useless sack of shit parent?

financialwizard · 14/11/2014 11:41

YANBU.

I have a DSS who I love very much but he does certain things that are non negotiable in my house, and he knows this. One of the consequences of his actions is to return home immediately (I can't say what it is but it would have dire effect on mine and my husbands work if caught). The other is that he will not come on the big holiday we are saving for in 2 years. So far we have not had to use either of those sanctions yet but I would not hesitate to do so, and he knows that. As a result he is far better behaved at our home than his pwc.

So in a rambling way I guess I am saying that YANBU to not take him but I think you need to give him a chance to improve his behaviour so he can go iyswim.

Original poster
lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:42

Just to make it clear he would go on the holiday and I will stay at home.
His dad has taken them on various holidays on there own.
He also takes them out to dinner alone and various weekends away etc.
I don't feel it's my place to discipline or be part of the discussion to him about his behaviour as that's his parents role not mine.
All his dad ever says is what do you want me to do !!!
Er discipline your child please.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 14/11/2014 11:42

YANBU at all.

TBH, his father sounds useless if he isn't doing anything to sort the behaviour when he is with you.

googoodolly · 14/11/2014 11:43

From your second post, I think you really need to consider that he has deep-seated issues. You NEED to talk to your OH, alone, and explain that enough is enough. You wouldn't tolerate it from your own child so you're not prepared to accept it any longer from a step-child.

I slammed doors as a teen and I'm sure I was pretty vile to my parents at times too, but I never did it in public or trahshed my room in anger or swore at my grandparents. What he's doing goes way beyond normal teenage moodiness.

I think you need to see CAMHS and get a referral and get him to talk to a therapist. Go to your GP if necessary and make sure your OH is onboard. It's not fair on DSS to go through life being so angry either. He needs help.

Andrewofgg · 14/11/2014 11:43

I did not go on holiday with my own parents after age 11 - I would not have wanted to and neither would they. 16 and a step? Come off it. That's no good for any of you.

OwlCapone · 14/11/2014 11:43

Just to add, I wouldn't want to go away with my own 16 yr old if he was behaving like that.

financialwizard · 14/11/2014 11:43

Massive cross post there, sorry.

Lottapianos · 14/11/2014 11:44

I don't blame you at all. In fact, you refusing to go on holiday and play happy families may be the kick in the butt that his dad needs to start dealing with the situation instead of leaving it all to you. Your stepson sounds like a very angry and unhappy young man and it sounds like high time for his actual parents to do a bit of actual parenting for once.

financialwizard · 14/11/2014 11:44

lk you shouldn't have to do that though.

Original poster
lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:45

His dad is not a shit parent. Just scared I think to deal with and admit there's a problem.
Strange as he is a strong character usually but when it comes to his kids especially after his divorce he can't stand up to them.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 14/11/2014 11:46

financialwizard Please, what is pwc?

needaholidaynow · 14/11/2014 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.