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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to go on another holiday with my 16 yr old stepson

75 replies

lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:21

Well after another monster meltdown on holiday again I have now told my OH that I won't go on holiday or weekends away with my stepson.
Every holiday for the past 6 has in some way been spoilt by his spiteful angry temper.
He is spoilt by his mother who basically lets him get away with murder. He told her to fxxk off last week and she dumped him with us. But within a few days he was home with her and was not made to apologise. He has had screaming arguments with his grandma in public on holiday calling her among other things a bitch and saying all her grand kids hate her.
The list is endless of these kind of events.
There are 2 other teenagers in the house who all have there moments but he is by far the worse.
So am I being unreasonable in saying I won't go on any holiday with him again ?

OP posts:

WitchesGlove · 14/11/2014 12:41

Who gave him the iPad and iPhone in the first place?
Does he get pocket money?
Could this be used to control him?

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:51

Absolutely it shouldn't be up to the op only, but this lad is making her life difficult being peacemaker must be exhausting if this was her own child I think she would be down on them like a tonne of bricks but considering she is doing his washing giving him lifts and all that palava then she should have some say in how he behaves

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:53

How does your dd get on with him

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:55

I think telling him you won't go on holiday with him again is a start he knows you are sick of his nonsense

Jayne35 · 14/11/2014 13:01

My DS16 lives with his Dad, this year I didn't take him on holiday for the first time for ruining previous holidays, upsetting everyone and complaining constantly among other things. My DH would probably not have come with us if DS had come. I felt pretty bad leaving my DS behind BUT I think it made the point. he seems far nicer to everyone lately and has maybe grown up a bit and I will take him next time.

OP your stepson does sound like he has major issues though and needs more therapy for his anger. Good luck.

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 13:32

My eldest daughter gets on fine with him but doesn't put up with any nonsense from him.
The iPad and phone are paid for by mummy ( who manages to fund their designer packed lifestyle on min wage but that's another story ). Sorry really only she can confiscate these items.
I am not asking my OH to choose between us at all. Am just deciding finally to not put up with this behaviour.
To be honest I doubt this will get resolved ( the behaviour ). But in 3 yrs university will beckon and then peace will reign !!

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 14/11/2014 13:37

I'd be sacking off my OH if he refused to engage in things designed to help his child deal with his anger and refused to deal with the behaviour

My 12 year old DD has similar behaviour issues - it's bloody hard work but ignoring it wont help anyone

I feel for you OP because it seems you are the only one seeing the issue and trying to do something but you can't just turn your back on him

one of my favourite saying ' children often need your love the most when they deserve it the least' x

ghostyslovesheep · 14/11/2014 13:38

Oh an at YOUR house you can confiscate what the fuck you like - sorry

try not to get bogged down with his ex and catty remarks about her income and money - that's not the issue and your feelings about her aren't either

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 13:41

Money is also a bit of a contributing factor too possibly. One minute he tells her to fuck off and then when he goes back home to her it's spend spend spend on him. Rewarding bad behaviour is part and parcel of this life it seems.

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 14/11/2014 13:42

but you can do NOTHING about that - but at YOUR house it's YOUR rules and that you can control - your OH needs to be on board as well

Ormally · 14/11/2014 14:41

There are a few things I would do - whether they would help is another matter.

I'd be very calm and direct, and specific. Tell him that his behaviour and lack of self control has really affected your relationship (with him, at home) and as a result you do not want to spend holidays with him. Be specific about what he did that particularly has led you to that. Say that you have tried as much as you can to be supportive and that there is a home for him with you and his Dad as long as he's able to control himself and respect your rules, but that as he is an adult he should understand that it's his responsibility to live right with you. Say you and your other house members don't enjoy arguing, shouting, whatever, and as you don't have to put up with it, you deserve a break from this sometimes.

I'd also ask him why he behaves like this. I don't expect any kind of an answer but I would ask why. Ask if he realises that in a very short time, if he flies off the handle or pushes things too far in a dangerous way, there will be consequences where someone, probably nobody related to family at all, gets the police involved - as there will. Make him see that by being so antagonistic, he is actually giving people, and his emotions, a rather limiting level of power over him which he doesn't have to.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/11/2014 15:17

16 is practically an adult.(not legally but in Scotland he could get married)

My 15yo DS is a little git but if he spoke to anyone like that (especially to me) his feet wouldn't touch .

BlueberryWafer · 14/11/2014 15:25

Yanbu. He is 16 not 6. He needs to know that behaviour will not be tolerated!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 14/11/2014 16:31

6 yrs ago he did go for anger management counselling but my OH was unsupportive of it so it fizzled out. He has trashed his bedroom in fits of temper. Broken into our house when specifically told not to come to the house when we were on holiday and he wanted to hold party's here. He bullies his younger brother to get his own way. Really the list is endless.
Sadly he knows that his actions never have consequences.

If his dad tries to even talk to him about his behaviour he will then refuse to come here.

All his dad ever says is what do you want me to do !!!

His dad is not a shit parent. Just scared I think to deal with and admit there's a problem. Strange as he is a strong character usually but when it comes to his kids especially after his divorce he can't stand up to them.

Sorry, but it does sound like a lot of this stems from a lack of parenting from his dad. You even mention that DSS went to anger management but your OH was unsupportive of it. Why?!?! It sounds like he can't be bothered to step up to the plate.

Yes, DSS sounds like he's hard work. But sounds like your OH isn't willing to put in that hard work. A shame as he's the parent.

formerbabe · 14/11/2014 17:03

He told her to fxxk off last week and she dumped him with us

Nice use of the word 'dumped'. I'm sure knowing that you felt he had been dumped on you would make him feel great.

nocoolnamesleft · 14/11/2014 17:23

I'm sorry, but it sounds like the problem is your stepson's parents.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2014 17:27

Yanbu, he is 16 not 6, and there should be consequences fir his behaviour, he is old enough. If his behaviour is bad he dies not go on holiday, end if!

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/11/2014 18:06

YANBU! As Aeroflotgirl says, he's 16, not a child. I think you're doing well to still have him in the house!

DixieNormas · 14/11/2014 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2014 18:15

Confiscate I phone and I pad until he goes home.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2014 18:25

It does sound like he has anger underlying issues, and talk to your dh about counselling for him as you cannot put up with this behaviour, its impacting on your other children and you as a family. It does not sound like your dh is being effective, taking him on holiday on his own without you, how is he being sanctioned because of his behaviour! What about your holiday?

Meerka · 14/11/2014 21:45

at 16 he's nearly an adult - right now he could enlist- and in less than 24 months he could go to an adult prison.

Frankly I think it's too late for your partner to impose restrictions but he could -try- ... slowly. coming down like a ton of bricks won't work. Steady and gentle might do something.

But he'd be fighting a rearguard action and it doesn't like he would even want to try. Do think he should though, for his son's sake. He's going to be a fucking nightmare in the future.

As for you? 100% agree. Don't go on holiday with him in the future. You're entitled to enjoy your life and your holidays.

Janethegirl · 14/11/2014 21:57

No way, at 16 I'd expect reasonable behaviour. If I didn't get it he and his father could just f* off.

AlexD72 · 14/11/2014 22:23

Does your husband feel it could've been his fault his DS acts this way? Did he leave them so therefore has guilt.
It's not normal to act the way he is at 16. Something is making him that angry and aggressive. But if he has no discipline is he acting up as a cry for help? Children and young adults need boundaries.
It's like no one really wants to help so bad attention is better than none at all.
He needs help from someone.

drbonnieblossman · 14/11/2014 22:26

Not unreasonable as you are a step parent and you have the choice. He has parents who will hopefully work together to get the boy through this period.

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