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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to go on another holiday with my 16 yr old stepson

75 replies

lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:21

Well after another monster meltdown on holiday again I have now told my OH that I won't go on holiday or weekends away with my stepson.
Every holiday for the past 6 has in some way been spoilt by his spiteful angry temper.
He is spoilt by his mother who basically lets him get away with murder. He told her to fxxk off last week and she dumped him with us. But within a few days he was home with her and was not made to apologise. He has had screaming arguments with his grandma in public on holiday calling her among other things a bitch and saying all her grand kids hate her.
The list is endless of these kind of events.
There are 2 other teenagers in the house who all have there moments but he is by far the worse.
So am I being unreasonable in saying I won't go on any holiday with him again ?

OP posts:

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:50

Parenting comes from parents.
Not me. Though of course it's me doing all his washing cooking cleaning taxi service etc.
His mother is also tremendously highly strung and this sadly must also contribute to the problem.

OP posts:

mkmjimmy · 14/11/2014 11:52

There can be a lot of guilt factor for parents after divorce - obviously - so things that they would probably not have put up with if still with ex - they put up with out of guilt. Also its hard to recognise that your own son is a little sh*t. And parenting on your own is hard too - not that you should step in - but his mum and dad should be showing a united front.

Sounds like you've got to the end of your tether - and that it's about time somebody did with with the son!

LaurieFairyCake · 14/11/2014 11:53

No, he is a shit parent. He's weak and ineffectual. He asks you what he should do and when you tell him he ignores you.

He is allowing and condoning this behaviour by not dealing with it.

He is the very definition of a shit parent.

Lottapianos · 14/11/2014 11:55

Have to agree with Laurie OP. I know it must be hard for him but he simply has to step up here and deal with his son's behaviour. Same for the boy's mum.

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 11:55

His parents will never be a united front sadly. That's probably part of the problem and he knows it.
Just to say he can also be very charming etc but this year his bad behaviour has outweighed the good.

OP posts:

fromparistoberlin73 · 14/11/2014 11:59

Whoa ParistoBerlin - no need to swear at the OP.

yes, sorry OP! I have just read a book on this topic, so a tad..empotive

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 12:01

What was the book and would we find it helpful ?
As I said I have a thick skin so a few swear words don't hurt me.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:04

God from what you are saying the adults in his life are bloody feeble his dad sounds useless and scared his son wont love him and same with his mother poor kid this started when he was 10 ane his dad let it fizzle out because he didn't have thevbackbone to help his son now he is nearly a grown man and still acting this way well what do you expect yanbu to not go away with him yabu to not discipline him though in your own house this kid life is ruined because he hasn't been shown the right way to behave he is obviously old enough to behave and not throw tantrums and shout abuse but it is a learned behaviour, act out get your own way and attention

Chandon · 14/11/2014 12:05

I notice that you say it is YOU who does everything for him.

That's not right.

Your partner should do a lot more for his son, teach him to cook/clean/look after himself, not abscond that responsibility to a female (his mum or you).

It's your DP who needs to spend lots of time with him, and show him how to be a man (ie respectful, independent, kind and caring!)

AlpacaYourThings · 14/11/2014 12:10

YANBU, he isn't really a child anymore.

In fact, I think not showing him consequences to his actions is going to be more damaging in the long run. He needs to learn that the rest of the population wont put up with that kind of shitty behaviour.

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 12:14

I do everything because I am a sahm mum to my DD2.
My poor OH does try but gets no where with him.
If he were my son then the I phone and I pad would have been confiscated. He would have been grounded properly and all luxuries inc holidays etc would have to be earnt.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:14

If your husband wont stand up to him that is shit parenting he may have nice holidays and meals out but that does not make your husband a good parent so many children are damaged by divorce because of parents guilt its heartbreaking

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 12:15

He does try to spend time with him but let's be honest how many 16 yr olds want to spend all their spare time with Dad !

OP posts:

championnibbler · 14/11/2014 12:17

YANBU.
Hols are supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable. You'll have paid enough for them too.
God, he sounds like a right little p*k.
You are not obliged to pander to him. Leave him off. He's clearly out of control. DH and the mother are the ones who need to straighten him out.
More than likely he hates you anyway, even if you never put a foot wrong with him and did your best.
I'd stay well away in future, if i were you.

fromparistoberlin73 · 14/11/2014 12:18

i agree this is your husbands issue not yours, its just that initial post came across as unkind and made me feel sad

but if your DSS parents wont adress- well nothing will change - its very sad

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:18

Do you tell your own children off I bet you do the next time he is rude tell him off but tbh I think it is to late I am not blaming you I guess it is hard for you but he cant make you or your childens life miserable must be like walking on egg shells around him

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:21

Btw I wouldn't want to go anywhere with my own 16yr old if she acted like that either

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 12:22

It is sad your right. I would never go on holiday with the other children and tell him he can't go. Am not that bad a person.
I have always in the past gotten on well with him as he knew I did lots for him and his brothers.
But this years behaviours have really spoilt this relationship sadly.

OP posts:

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 12:23

I did say to him after the last holiday meltdown that I would not go away with him again. Rightly or wrongly !

OP posts:

AWholeLottaNosy · 14/11/2014 12:25

Sadly unless this boy gets some help or finds a purpose/ direction, his lack of boundaries is going to get worse and he could well end up in prison. Then he will face real consequences.

pigsDOfly · 14/11/2014 12:25

Agree with Mrsjayy, in your house you must impose your rules.

This needs to be dealt with and he need to know you will not put up with his unacceptable behaviour around you.

Agree with pps that outside help needs to be brought in to help this young man to deal with his anger. And although this isn't your responsibility someone has got to look out for him and it sound like you're the only one with the sense to do it. Although, having said that his father needs to grow a backbone.

Don't get people saying he's only a child, he isn't, he's a young adult - old enough to marry - and many 16 year olds are more than man sized - my brother was 6ft 1 when he was 15.

If he's allowed to continue with this behaviour things could get very nasty. Personally I would find this situation very frightening and I'm not a nervous person.

And no yanbu to not want to go on holiday with him.

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 12:29

I agree he is a young man not a child he needs to be treated as such and he needs to respect your home your children

CalamitouslyWrong · 14/11/2014 12:31

Almost every single one of these threads is the same. Like so many before you, you are misdiagnosing the problem as your SS when, in fact, the problem is your partner.

Read your own posts back. You are describing a troubled teenager whose dad cannot be arsed to provide him with the help and support he needs. And you are also a describing a partner who leaves you to do everything for his children.

I'm sure you'll want to keep seeing your SS as the problem (after all you love your partner), but really, really he's not. His behaviour is a problem, but the actual source of the issues is his father.

Original poster

lk26 · 14/11/2014 12:32

I do impose household rules to him and other teenagers in the house. Eg tidying washing up walking dog etc.
But as I said earlier proper parenting is down to parents not me.
He has everything on a plate eg best schools fancy clothes and holidays etc yet never appreciates them.
I also have a teenage daughter and she has her moments but not as bad as my stepson. She knows no means no !

OP posts:

CalamitouslyWrong · 14/11/2014 12:35

OP, honestly, it shouldn't simply be falling to you to impose rules. That's where the problem is.

It must be exhausting living in a situation where your partner is allowing things to become untenable for everyone because he lacks the ability to set boundaries for his son.

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