Grrrr! Man child husband

[becominglessofalurker]

I know part of this is a little UR but I am really annoyed.
Slight backstory, my lg had tongue tie nd damaged my nipples very badly in the early weeks, so much so that I can still only hand express now that lo is just over 4 months (TMI: If I try to use a pump the open wounds at the base of my nipples weep nd I end up with more of that than milk). Due to this I keep a scolded glass jug next to my bed nd express after every night feed to try to build up my freezer supply.
Because of the bf trouble we have had my husband has been doing pretty much all of the housework so that I can camp out either on the sofa or in bed with lo nd feed constantly (this is cos TT has not been fully sorted out yet).
I am grateful to him but if something isn't done properly it vexxes me.
Anyway, it's 3.30am nd I go to start expressing but after a few squirts I realise the jug has not been cleaned properly nd still has dried milk on from the last time it was used.
WTF!!! How hard is it to clean a jug!?!? So I woke up my husband nd made him go nd wash it.
I know that might have been a little UR as he does have work tomorrow (late shift so can lie in) but aibu to think that it's not hard to have done it right 1st time? He is an adult FFS!

I actually don't think the OP has had too hard a flaming here, despite a) this being a board notorious for blunt and brutal replies, and b) the verdict being a pretty unanimous YABU.

She gave details of her feeding setup as a means of mitigating her fairly horrible behaviour to her husband, and people are naturally responding to that.

There's been a fair bit of sympathy and advice here. I hope you take it OP.

I'm a sahm and do most of the cleaning and housework, I can only imagine how pissed off and despondent I would feel if i was woken up to be told that the work i had done wasn't good enough.

Could you use the expressed frozen milk you already have for a feed or two a day to give your boobs a break?

My nipples were such a state at 10 weeks I added an evening bottle of formula. It fixed my boobs within a couple of weeks (I think the evening cluster feeds were doing a lot of the damage) and now at 6 months BF is a pleasure. Maybe you could do the same using your frozen milk?

Like some others here despite not freezing much I've never really needed it, and am now using it instead of the evening formula feed. There is really no point having too much in stock!

Just another option to think about.

I'd also recommend expressing directly into a milk freezer bag as a PP suggested. Sterilising a jug every day is one more small job I'm sure you could both do without!

to you and your DH.

YABU, but YANBU for BU in your current situation.

Anyone who is kind enough to not just say "sod off" after being woken up on a work night to wash a flipping jug, is far from a child.

As I said above, there may be a BF solution to her problem (eg deal with tongue tie, get latch sorted, heal nipples), at which point BF may well be the easier option for her long term.

Except it's been 4 months already with no solution in sight. I think if there was going to be a feasible solution it would have already come. I can't imagine there was a solution to heal her nipples that she just decided to ignore. Her baby is almost old enough to start solids and weening.

I really don't think OP's husband values BF if the tongue snip is HER Christmas gift when it's THEIR baby. Why is it not also his gift if it's equally as important to him as well?

I think her DH is supporting whatever decision she's making, and trying to keep her above water. Otherwise he would not have gotten up and actually cleaned the jug when she woke him up.

It's not a matter of breastfeeding or formula feeding.

If a mother was talking about constantly getting blisters on her feet and sore joints from walking her children to school when she could easily put them on the bus, everyone would encourage her to put the kids on the bus.

Most people are supporting the OP, in fact there have only been 1 or 2 nasty unsupportive comments. It's a matter of this situation is not sustainable, she's given it an honest go for 4 months (which is nothing to sneeze at), her nipples are not healing, she's miserable, and it's affecting her family life. It's time to look at alternatives.

If nothing else, it will be easier to access AD's she may need to help with PND, some AD's you can't take while breast feeding. Her PND really needs to her priority, her baby will be ok on formula, she needs to take care of herself so she can in turn take care of the baby.

I agree, Bulbasaur.

Is it breastfeeding or breastmilk that you feel is important OP? Could you maybe use some donated milk while your breasts heal and you could have a bigger range of ADs as your PND is not being treated adequately by the sounds of your posts.
I used to be a twat about bfeeding and was staunchly every woman should bfeed. I cringe at that because do you know what OP? It is not the most important thing. It seems like it at the time but really its not. I have teenagers now and you can bet your last penny that they don't care about cracked nipples and expressing. They care about the people who were there for them when they were upset,who brought them to the park,who cuddled them. Being miserable and mean to your husband will be having an impact on your baby and although your baby is meeting her milestones research (tons of it) shows that a stressful environment is not an ideal place for a babys wellbeing. I am not saying that to kick you but so that you can see the bigger picture and find a way to make your home happier. I and other posters have made suggestions on how to bring the pressure level down.

Give up on the breastfeeding. It is affecting your life, and the tension it is causing will be felt by the little one. It makes no difference if your husband wants you to breastfeed. It is something that is causing you physical pain - does it really want you to breastfeed that badly? Shame on him. In the meantime, I would give him a bit of slack.he sounds like he is pulling his weight, working full time and also helping around the house. To call hi man child seems a little spitefull.

I was a martyr to breastfeeding - tongue tied baby meant I cried at every feed for 6 week,s mastitis, vasospasm. I look back and am not sure why - think I just couldn't believe I couldn't make it work.
So I sympathise. But I am a single parent so had nobody to take it out on (probably luckily!) and was back at work when DS was 2 months old so I would have had to switch t formula had it not clicked when the TT was cut.
But your poor husband. Maybe time to take a step back and into formula as others have said if you can't sort TT issue. I had someone come to the house to cut it. Is that an option for you?
It isn't breast vs formula, just doing what is right for your family. And it clearly isn't what you are doing right now.
Good luck!

Woah. Give the op a break. She's going through possibly the most tiring and stressful time of her life and she snapped at her husband and needed to vent.

OP, the fog will lift, you will feel better. Hopefully your husband appreciates that your life has been turned upside down and inside out and will be there for u no matter what.

Just remember, u are a team. Sounds like a pretty good one so far.

You have to weigh up the pros and cons - camping out to breastfeed is not a healthy way to live when your baby is 4 months. Sometimes we have to accept that the way we wanted things can't happen. I'm sorry your baby has tongue tie and I think you've made the biggest effort possible to do what you think is right for your baby, but honestly, it doesn't sound like it's the best thing to do. Life doesn't have to be that hard, and like some of the other posters have said - normal life has to resume at some point. Your DH is working and doing everything else, clearly it's damaging your relationship and you are being cranky at him because of a jug.

My DS has tongue tie, I had to give up bf for the good of our home life. The guilt was awful at first but he's 2 and he's great. It didn't damage him! It does sound like you are focusing in how you feel rather than doing the best thing, your baby is only getting tiny meals at a time and can't get into a routine. Routines are settling for babies, feeding round the clock is actively going against ever getting to a routine. Of course breastfeeding is the ideal way but there is nothing wrong with formula.

You're being a martyr, for the right reasons - but you need to give yourself a break. You're missing out on other things that will be enriching for all of you.

I agree with bauldasaur, your mental heath comes first, this is more important than how your baby feeds. Once you get help and get on top of it, will hopefully help you see the situation more rationally.,

OP, if breastfeeding is so important to you, make your priority sorting out the problems. Get the TT snipped as soon as possible (I noticed a PP a couple of pages back mentioned someone could come to you for this, so look into that), look at whether you really need to build up a freezer supply right now, and look into ways to get your nipples properly healed.

No one could blame you at all for switching to FF, you've done amazingly well to come this far. However, if you feel that breastfeeding is important to you, and you're committed to finding ways of making it work, then go for it. I think the most important thing now is to improve your situation quickly, whether that involves FF or BF.

Great post from bulbasaur. BF with TT is hard - I gave up after a couple of weeks after I got mastitis and DH's DM died so 4 months is brilliant.

OP can you do fully expressed feeds and/or get donated milk for a short period to let your nipples heal? Then once you've done that think through what you want to do. If the private TT is still the way you want to go, then your DH needs to be onboard and it needs to be agreed as a family priority, not solely down to you.

Your DH sounds like he is far from a manchild - I don't know if you have read the boards, but your DH sounds like he is an ok guy ( apart from his attitude on the TT op) and you just both sound exhausted and at the end of your tethers.

Lack of sleep is horrible, that's why they use it as a form of torture, and it seems such a shame to be going through for such a long period of time. I loved the period when DS was 4-6 months as he had started smiling and could sit up and watch what I was doing, he also was sleeping through, which meant that suddenly my DH changed from being the worst in the world to actually ok in my mind.

there is a TAAT here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2236089-TAAT-Grrrr-Man-child-husband-the-Manchilds-reply-long

Hello OP
Sorry to read that you're suffering from PND as well as having probs feeding your DD
Do be sure to check out some other topics won't you - MN is a MASSIVE source of support on both of those issues - AIBU isn't the be-all and end -all of MN you know [nods sagely]
Peace and love all
MNHQ

Wtaf was the TAAT about?!

Can't imagine anyone having a problem enough to start a new thread about this thread or for an mn hello for that matter

The husband started it. He wasn't too happy about some of the assumptions being made on this thread and wanted to defend himself and his wife. It's a shame it got deleted, there was a talking jug on it.

Urgh, what a twat (the husband, not the jug)

An someone please tell me what TAAT stands for?

Thread about a thread, Betty