Grrrr! Man child husband

[becominglessofalurker]

I know part of this is a little UR but I am really annoyed.
Slight backstory, my lg had tongue tie nd damaged my nipples very badly in the early weeks, so much so that I can still only hand express now that lo is just over 4 months (TMI: If I try to use a pump the open wounds at the base of my nipples weep nd I end up with more of that than milk). Due to this I keep a scolded glass jug next to my bed nd express after every night feed to try to build up my freezer supply.
Because of the bf trouble we have had my husband has been doing pretty much all of the housework so that I can camp out either on the sofa or in bed with lo nd feed constantly (this is cos TT has not been fully sorted out yet).
I am grateful to him but if something isn't done properly it vexxes me.
Anyway, it's 3.30am nd I go to start expressing but after a few squirts I realise the jug has not been cleaned properly nd still has dried milk on from the last time it was used.
WTF!!! How hard is it to clean a jug!?!? So I woke up my husband nd made him go nd wash it.
I know that might have been a little UR as he does have work tomorrow (late shift so can lie in) but aibu to think that it's not hard to have done it right 1st time? He is an adult FFS!

Being depressed does not give you a green light to wake your husband up, no doubt with a flea in his ear and make him go downstairs to wash a jug. The wording in the OP was pretty bad and PND does not excuse it.

If that had been a bloke doing that to his wife he would have been chased off the board and called an abuser.

Double standards man

You know YABVU, but you have just given birth and are hormonal. Cut your dh some slack, he is not a manchild, he sounds really great actually, tell him that!

I don't think anyone has said that what the OP did was reasonable.

I have just read your lo is 4 months old, it sounds as though you are very depressed, have you sought help from the GP? Is bf important for you, or are you speaking for your dh too. I felt like you, and was devastated when I had to use formula due to baby loosing weight, admitted to hospital, and lack of bf support, but you don't sound very happy, and that is far more important than how you feed. You don't want feeding to be a stressful time for your lo either, and I do subscribe to the saying, happy mummy, happy baby. Mabey mixed feeding for you is not a bad idea, I expressed for 9 months using a fantastic electric pump, and topped up using formula. That way baby had bm first, if need more a bit of formula.

Yes give your dh a break, he sounds fantastic, we all make mistakes, parenting does not come with a manual, you do the best you can. Mabey he feels the TT snip is unecessary, hence him not going with you, or mabey he needs to go to work. I feel you do need help with your PND as it is like a black cloud over what should be a lovely time.

One word. Formula.

I'm really torn with this one. Obviously I agree with everyone that your behaviour to your DH was unreasonable, but I'm sure he'll forgive you.

I'm torn because on the one hand I want to say: Please, please try to step back a little and imagine what your day to day life would be like if you were to introduce some formula. I truly do understand why you are so reluctant to do this. I have my own tale of woe about breastfeeding, combination fed, and expressed several times daily to boost supply, for over 6 months. I don't regret it, but I was very, very careful to take my child's cues. At a certain point I could see that she simply was happier taking the larger, less frequent bottles than the shorter, frequent breast-feeds.

If your baby really is BFing round the clock at 4 months, then the supply/feeding problems are affecting her. She does need to do more than feed now.

On the other hand, I also know what it's like to have PND, and it's entirely possible that your first post is not totally representative of your day to day reality. If you can honestly say that your LO has lots of happy periods every day when she's well fed, alert, taking in the world around her and learning to move around, and if she's growing at a reasonable rate - if you can honestly say all that, then I don't see any problem with carrying on as you are (but I would strongly suggest you forget expressing if it's only to build up a freezer stock - seriously, sleep is far more important)..

But you should only do so if you are happy, and you're not damaging your relationship. It does sound as though your husband is getting quite a rough deal. Not to mention your nipples sound excruciatingly painful. Don't martyr yourself - your baby needs you to be happy and healthy, far more than she needs your breastmilk now.

Gosh, that was long

Have you contacted L Leche league or NCT for help or advice on bf as it really shouldent be how your experiencing it

I agree martini

No, being depressed doesn't give you the green light to do anything, but it often makes you do/think/say that shit anyway - I was a horrible, anxious wreck when I was depressed. The OP hasn't said she's treated her husband like this all the time, it sounded more like an exhausted rant.

And, as I said again, OP, get the TT investigated/dealt with, ditto your nipples, if you do want to continue BF. BF an older baby without a TT is frankly a piece of piss, and if it's something you want to do I wouldn't just leap to formula as a short term solution if (and only if) there is a longer term BF solution available (this is kind of what pisses me off about the "hey, stop trying to solve this stupid BF problem - one word: formula."/ "you have to remember BF isn't very important - just use formula"/etc. suggestions - quite often there is a perfectly good BF solution to a BF problem). If there isn't, then, yes, formula is a perfectly good substitute and you'll all be fine.

Also just re switching to formula, weaning itself can cause a big hormonal crash which might not be good for PND, if you do decide to wean, do it slooooooooooowly.

MN is usually an amazing place with wonderfully supportive posters but threads like this remind me not everyone is like that.
OP perhaps you could post in 'feeding' I had so much help from there when DS was a baby.

Yes, there are some great posters in the Breast & Bottle Feeding section, v helpful.

Thanks leedy that's the correct title for it. Posting on my phone so tricky to look

I know formula is important to you, but I will say that my DD who has been FF since she got home from the hospital, is healthy, happy and meeting her milestones early. You can have a healthy and happy baby with formula too. BF is not a be all end all, and with advances in science and bio-engineering, the difference between formula and breast milk are becoming a smaller gap.

This just isn't a good situation all around for anyone. You want to be able to look back and enjoy the time you had with your baby. Not remember how miserable you were.

In years to come, no one will know or care which child at school was bf or ff.

You may however look back and wish you had made your own life easier.

Again, I really don't think it's helpful for the OP if she actually really wants to BF to post about how she's martyring herself/making her life harder/doing something entirely stupid and pointless ("you can't tell the difference!" "she won't thank you!" "my child was FF and won seventeen Nobel prizes and has never been sick!" etc.) and how she should just switch to formula already. As I said above, there may be a BF solution to her problem (eg deal with tongue tie, get latch sorted, heal nipples), at which point BF may well be the easier option for her long term. If there isn't, then FF is always there as an option.

Just in general, I do think there's an idea around that BF mums are doing it out of some kind of woolly martyrdom and can't wait for someone to "give them permission to stop" if they have any problems, BF-related or otherwise. I found that myself when I had PND and it was REALLY ANNOYING.

At four months you shouldn't still be camping out and feeding all day, life at some point has to start getting back to normal. Your baby should be playing or napping in between feeds, you should be going out for walks with the pram, etc (and I say this having had a Velcro baby). Feeding should not be dominating your life like it is, you haven't got a newborn anymore. Are you being realistic about the pressure you're putting on yourself?

I'm currently mix feeding. I beat myself up for not being able to bf DS1, felt like a total failure. Im successfully mix feeding DS2 (I have supply issues) and it's working really well and we are happy. As much as bf is important, sometimes it just doesn't work out how you want it to, that's just how it is. It takes two to feed and any bit of it can fail just like anything else.

It sounds like your DH is doing a lot so you are being unfair. Why are you expressing to freeze milk all the time, is this really necessary? You need to get back to some form of normality. And this TT needs sorting asap, if it gets left too late your baby will have to have a anaesthetic to get it done so I would chase it up. Why can you only see someone 100 miles away? Are you rural? There should be a bf consultant or speak to LLL for some help, especially if your nipples are a mess. Have you seen anyone as it's a situation that can't continue long term.

Why would private treatment be YOUR Christmas present, if your dh is also very keen on you continuing to bf?

Benefit of the doubt, you're sleep deprived and crabby.

However, your DH sounds like he's doing a lot for you already. I think you need to grow up, apologize and do it yourself next time.

Stop taking your moods out on your DH

I have no problem with formula nd if that is what worked for you then great but bf is extremely important to me nd my husband

Are you absolutely sure on this? Would he dare say that formula would make life easier all round?

So sad that that the NHs can't prioritise tongue tie more. No wonder breastfeeding rates are so low. Actually op I admire your persistance. When a bitch of a nurse told me that my ds was jaundiced and he needed a bottle I caved in. I knew nothing of mixed feeding and it was a really hard in those early days seeing other breastfeed. He is absolutely fine and healthy of course but I do feel sad sometimes as he is the only one with eczema. The other two were breastfed for 8 months and 2 years respectively.
I do think that on the face of it formula would be a solution on a practical level but not necessarilly from your emotional health point of view.
I do think you have a lovely supportive dh. My dh would get moan if I made too much noise feeding ds3.
look after yourself op and I hope things improve soon.

Expressing is hellish, in my experience. Having a first baby is incredibly difficult for both of you, and it does sound like he's trying. Try to be kind to each other.

OP - just wanted to wish you all the best. There have been some hideous posts written here - just ignore the nastiness. Some people clearly have nothing better to do with their time. I think it's amazing that you're trying so hard to do what you believe to be best for your baby, ie continuing to breast feed, despite the various problems you've encountered. In your position, I wouldn't want to be patronised and told to use formula instead. That isn't really the point. Anyway, best of luck and feel free to PM me if you want a sympathetic ear.