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AIBU?

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Grrrr! Man child husband

146 replies

becominglessofalurker · 14/11/2014 03:57

I know part of this is a little UR but I am really annoyed.
Slight backstory, my lg had tongue tie nd damaged my nipples very badly in the early weeks, so much so that I can still only hand express now that lo is just over 4 months (TMI: If I try to use a pump the open wounds at the base of my nipples weep nd I end up with more of that than milk). Due to this I keep a scolded glass jug next to my bed nd express after every night feed to try to build up my freezer supply.
Because of the bf trouble we have had my husband has been doing pretty much all of the housework so that I can camp out either on the sofa or in bed with lo nd feed constantly (this is cos TT has not been fully sorted out yet).
I am grateful to him but if something isn't done properly it vexxes me.
Anyway, it's 3.30am nd I go to start expressing but after a few squirts I realise the jug has not been cleaned properly nd still has dried milk on from the last time it was used.
WTF!!! How hard is it to clean a jug!?!? So I woke up my husband nd made him go nd wash it.
I know that might have been a little UR as he does have work tomorrow (late shift so can lie in) but aibu to think that it's not hard to have done it right 1st time? He is an adult FFS!

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 14/11/2014 09:08

I do think people saying you're lazy is totally unfair because I can totally understand that what you're doing is extremely hard work.

I had bad cracked nipples with my first dc that made feeding agony for the first 8 weeks, but I got through it and feeding became easy after that. I also had experience of expressing as I had a commitment one evening a week. I found it took me all day to express enough for one bottle, it was a complete pain!

I am not advocating switching to formula because 'it worked for me', I didn't switch and am currently ebf my second dc. I understand that bf is important to you, but I really think in the future you will look back and think 'why did put myself through that?' Big hugs, it sounds like you're having a tough time. Just remember, it won't be like this forever.

whois · 14/11/2014 09:13

I feel bad for your DP! You've chosen to martyr yourself with cracked and bleeding nipples (you know formuler isn't poisen yeah?!) and DP sounds like he is doing everything else.

PrimalLass · 14/11/2014 09:14

This also does not need to turn into a breast v formula thread, either.

It hasn't.

LadyLuck10 · 14/11/2014 09:16

I think skylark has put it well.
Op there's no medal for bf, this can't be the best thing for your baby if she is feeding non-stop and you are miserable.

hiccupgirl · 14/11/2014 09:25

skylark has put it perfectly IMO.

Even if your LO is meeting her milestones she's still having to spend much longer feeding everyday than she should be and this in itself will be using up a lot of energy and is not a happy thing for either of you. Your mental health, your relationship with your DH and your baby shouldn't be under this much stress 4 months in.

I get BF is very important to you and as your first it's really hard to see past where you are now and that life will ever be different. But it will be and very soon - weaning is only a few weeks away now. And believe me by the time your LO is 2 or 3 no one will ask how she was feed as a baby or care tbh.

ByTheWishingWell · 14/11/2014 09:30

When the OPs DD is 2 or 3, the OP may still be breastfeeding her.

I absolutely agree that the OP shouldn't feel that she has to breastfeed, no matter how stressful. However, if she wants to persevere, she should be supported in that.

DD and I had a hard time establishing breastfeeding (nothing compared to what the OP's going through though), and everyone from midwives to my sister told me

ByTheWishingWell · 14/11/2014 09:35

(Posted too early)

....to switch to formula. I knew I definitely didn't want to do that, but would have liked some support. In the end we persevered, and 14 months later we're still going strong.

I certainly don't think it's helpful to tell the OP she is setting her baby back by breastfeeding. In the scheme of things, a couple more weeks with lots of breastfeeding until the TT gets snipped won't harm the baby.

Chunderella · 14/11/2014 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmother1 · 14/11/2014 09:39

I have teenage children now. I remember the dark days of breast feeding. I did it for 12 months for my DS, then only 6 weeks with my DD. I cried and cried with tiredness and sore nipples with DD and finally admitted defeat. My MIL had her for 2 days to get used to the bottle.......by the end of that week she slept through all night and very rarely woke me up. I felt so much better, like a weight had be lifted. My DS has so many allergies, hayfever, rashes etc growing up and my DD nothing, so it doesn't matter a jot. Is it really worth it - you should be asking yourself. It sounds like you are so tired and knackered that's why you are being mean to your husband. Look after yourselves.

DizzyKipper · 14/11/2014 09:44

Skylark makes an interesting point, but I do think the "just stop BFing" responses are lacking in understanding of how much BFing can mean to some one - particularly when that person has PND. If you can afford to go private then tbh I'd go with that and get a solution for your DD sooner rather than waiting on the NHS.

formerbabe · 14/11/2014 09:51

Op....please give yourself a break Thanks

Breast feeding for four months is a great achievement...I hated expressing and found it really hard work. You can combine feed...I did for a while, it really made things easier for me. I have known women IRL drive themselves crazy trying to bf....I think it is more important for the mum to feel happy than how the baby is being fed.

Your husband is being pretty good doing all the housework and working...his standards might not meet yours but that is the case for many couples.

Hope you are getting help for the pnd Thanks

whattheseithakasmean · 14/11/2014 09:54

Your baby has been BF for a while now, it sounds like it has been tough & you have done amazingly.

You need to think of your marriage as well. Your child would rather have 2 happy parents that love each other over being BF.

There was a thread about what aspects of parenting really matter. Everyone with grown up children agreed BF v FF; SAHM v WOHM; attachment v routine etc etc were irrelevant in the long run. The relationship you have with the other parent continues to matter a lot to your child, whatever age they are.

Maybe you need to reconsider your priorities.

youareallbonkers · 14/11/2014 09:55

Surely a jug left by the side of the bed for hours isn't going to be sterile anyway?

TarkaTheOtter · 14/11/2014 10:06

OP, if you are still reading....
Be gentle on yourself, 4 months isn't newborn but I actually found around then to be one of the hardest times with a baby. The adrenaline had worn off and I was exhausted.
I can understand how annoying it is to wake up to express and find that the things you need to do so aren't clean. But if you're dp is generally supportive (and it sounds like he is) then you need to let it go.

Bfing is important to me to. I would try to express as little as possible and not bother with any "for the freezer". Soon your baby will be on solids and you won't need expressed milk to get a break. Also, it might help to get some advice on getting your nipples healed up, either in rl or on the feeding board here.

OwlinaTree · 14/11/2014 10:37

Unless you are expressing to boost your supply I wouldn't bother tbh. I have a freezer full of breastmilk that will probably never be used, I never really ended up leaving my son much, and he never really took to a bottle!!

Are you part of a breast feeding support group at all? I found that really helpful when it was tough.

KenAdams · 14/11/2014 10:49

You shouldn't be expressing into a jug its not sterile. Use milk bags instead.

KenAdams · 14/11/2014 11:01

Sorry that sounded harsh didn't mean it to

wrapsuperstar · 14/11/2014 11:22

You don't have to give up BF, becoming. I had severe PND and awful feeding issues too. I persevered with exclusively breastfeeding in the face of plenty of people who didn't understand why it mattered so much to me and my family saying 'oh you've done well enough to do it for a couple of months, time to stop'.

By all means if you want to stop, do. But I totally get why it is so important to you and it is disingenuous at best for people to suggest you are doing more harm than good by wanting to push through this difficult period.

The one thing I would question is why it is such a long way for you to travel to get your baby's TT snipped? I only ask because IBCLCs (Lactation Consultants) can travel to you and snip -- this is what we did with DD1 when she needed her 75% tie snipping at 3 months. Have a look here, review your options and try to give yourself and partner a break. Good luck, PM if you want to talk more. Flowers

Reallyweary · 14/11/2014 11:41

GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!

I am a single mother of 4! Youngest is 4 weeks oldest 9! I currently have the flu and really very poorly but I still look after my children, get them to school, do there packed lunches and washing, cook there tea and helped make their cakes for the cake sale at school today! I have had to come back from the school run and make up bottles for the baby, tidy up, put washing on, get things ready for there after school activities..... Why because I'm their mother and the adult!

Yes I would love to be able to camp up on sofa/bed all day and demand that some "jellyfish of a man" would come running every time I barked a order at him!

If you get vexed because he doesn't do something right then do it your bloody self!!!

Thing you need to grow up and stop acting so self important, you have had a baby no different to lots of others women out there! And to be fair your very lucky if the biggest problem you have is tongue tie, think of all those others with children that are dying, disabled etc!

Your DP sounds like a saint, if I was him I would tell you yo do one!

leedy · 14/11/2014 11:45

"By all means if you want to stop, do. But I totally get why it is so important to you and it is disingenuous at best for people to suggest you are doing more harm than good by wanting to push through this difficult period."

Absolutely. I had quite severe PND first time round and BF was one of the few things I actually felt like I was doing well. An idiot locum doctor told me I'd need to stop BF to go on antidepressants (mercifully I sought a second opinion from someone who actually knew what they were talking about and BF happily on sertraline) in a real "and maybe it's for the best: you can give yourself a break, think how much happier and rested you will be with FF" stylee and I still remember how terrible it made me feel. Obviously it's a slightly different situation in that I didn't have any feeding problems (though a v demanding baby), but I totally recognize why it's important to you.

It does sound like you need to get the TT sorted ASAP, get some better advice for healing your nipples, and maybe get some help for your PND as well (if you haven't already), I know it made me unbelievably anxious and cranky even at my best and I am still grateful to my partner for putting up with me at my worst. Also give up on expressing for a freezer stash, you may never need it and it's only going to make you even more tired.

leedy · 14/11/2014 11:47

And with all respect, telling someone with PND to "get over themselves" is a bit like asking a diabetic "what are you being so bloody diabetic about, cop on and eat some sugar like a normal". Fucksake.

ByTheWishingWell · 14/11/2014 12:06

Reallyweary, that was a pretty horrible post. The cure to PND: just get over yourself. I wish someone had discovered it sooner. Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/11/2014 12:08

Becomingless - I had PND after each of my three dses, and I am sure that what I saw at the time, and for ages afterwards, as my failure to breastfeed, contributed to my PND - so I can really sympathise with what you say about breastfeeding being so important to you.

Have you considered mixed feeding? Some formula feeds and the rest breastfeeds? I did this with ds3, and it enabled me to carry on partially breastfeeding for twice as long as I had managed with either ds1 or ds2. I breastfed him during the day, and his last two feeds - the early evening and late evening ones - were formula - and this worked really well for us. He slept well, my supply was able to build up again over night, and I felt good because I was carrying on breastfeeding for longer.

The other thing to remember is that, in the grand scheme of things, whether your baby has breast milk or formula is not the be-all and end-all. How you nourish your child is important, of course - but there is so much else that you are doing now and will do in the future, that will impact hugely on your child's development.

As another poster said - soon you will be weaning. You will be able to be creative about the weaning foods your baby has - with ds1 I spent a day each fortnight or so making a variety of different purees, and freezing them in icecube trays, so that I could take out a variety of different things and he could have a meal that was, for example, pureed cod and potato, with parsnip, carrot and broccoli purees, or lentil and rosemary puree, with a variety of veg purees. I wasn't this assiduous with ds2 and ds3 - I lacked the time or the energy - but for them, I used to puree the food that I was making for dh and I, and for their brother/s.

You will spend time feeding their minds too - reading to them, playing with them, doing arts and crafts with them, choosing the right schools for them, helping them with their homework and spellings, reading through their Personal Statements for their UCAS forms. You'll enable their social lives - asking friends with similar age babies around, going to baby groups, taking them to their friends houses, picking them up after parties (sometimes the worse for wear, in the later teenage years).

You will make sure they get plenty of activity in their lives - playing chase with them, teaching them to catch a ball and kick a ball, taking them to the park, teaching them to ride a bik, cheering from the sidelines as they play games or do Sports Day at school, driving them to and from sports practice, buying kit - and laundering kit - the list is endless.

What I am saying is that, right now, how you feed your baby seems like the biggest thing in your life, but even if your baby never had another breastfeed, there is so much else that you can and will do to help them grow up into an amazing adult.

I saw my inability to breastfeed my babies as a huge failure on my part, and I beat myself up over it for years - but now I look at them - two are away at university - ds1 will graduate with a Law degree this year, and ds2 is in his second year of a 4 year Maths degree - and ds3 is in his final year of school, and is likely to be offered an unconditional place at university to read Geograpy - and they are all healthy, happy, well-adjusted young men who work hard, play hard, have lots of friends and are capable of living independent lives, so I think dh and I have done a pretty good job, despite their lack of breastmilk.

I do also think you should cut your dh a bit of slack - he sounds as if he is doing lots to help you - and holding down a job at the same time. He is certainly doing a lot more than some men do - if you really had a man-child, you would be doing all the housework and cooking as well as doing all the baby care and feeding.

He's not perfect - none of us are. We all make mistakes, or miss a bit of food on something when we are washing up - it really is easily done, especially when you are running round keeping the house going and looking after your wife, so she can nurture your baby.

DizzyKipper · 14/11/2014 12:18

"Get over yourself" - what a wonderful thing to be saying to a depressed person! The NHS should update their website...

leedy · 14/11/2014 12:39

Yes, I'm sure throughout the land depressed people are smacking themselves on the forehead and going "My God! Why didn't I think of that? I just need to get over myself and stop being so lazy!".

Just as an aside, a friend of mine wrote a lovely post about her PND and about people who think depression is a "cop out".

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