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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to start a TAAT? Do you have decent sex?

130 replies

feelingunsupported · 14/11/2014 00:55

Sorry -TAAT!
I've been reading the 'how often do you have sex?' thread.

The variation is massive and I'm jealous of those having it more than me but only if they're having decent sex!

Dp and I don't have a very good sex life atm - infrequent and unadventurous but we're hoping to sort it out.

Sooo - regardless of frequency, do you have good sex or does everyone eventually fall into the 'quick fiddle then piv routine? '

Sorry to be crude - just wondering what 'normal' is!

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingunsupported · 14/11/2014 23:15

This is definitely motivating me to sort out our sex life - I totally fancy dp and I want back what we used to have.

I'm definitely more adventurous though -- he's always been very erm,traditional but I recently found out he's been watching a bit of porn. I'd actually like us to watch some together / get some toys but stupidity I can't bring it up. It's ridiculous - I love him and have children with him but I don't have the words!

Shame too - we're going away tomorrow for a night without dc for the first time in forever and I am on a crappy heavy period :-(

OP posts:
triathlongirl · 14/11/2014 23:18

I love sex. I have long term DP who is great, but life spiced up recently with the addition of a 22 yo toy boy. Not clever, but a whole lot of fun.

overslept · 14/11/2014 23:21

Order the toys and leave them out on the bed for him to find one night. The surprise will probably embarrass him more than you! Grin

I am infertile so I don't use contraceptives, but I did take the pill for a while to help with irregular periods, it made me feel sort of bloated and sluggish, I wasn't dating anybody at the time so can't say what influence it would have had on my sex life but it certainly didn't make me feel attractive/energetic enough to want sex.

Thumbwitch · 14/11/2014 23:26

YY to pill reducing libido to almost non-existent. Mind you I find having a baby does pretty much the same thing! Grin

Froggio · 14/11/2014 23:53

Yes I would say that sex is good (but infrequent). It's better quality now than ever because we know each other's bodies, we are both more confident in saying what we like and we trust each other implicitly. My DH can give me orgasms that I can't recreate on my own - they are so deep and intense that, like someone else said upthread, I cannot possibly have another one, my body shuts down after and it would be painful to continue. I've never had a multiple orgasm for that reason.

Original poster
feelingunsupported · 14/11/2014 23:53

giles contraception is a massive problem for us too.

I can't do hormonal ones, loathe the idea of a coil and dp hates condoms. Adds to the hassle which means we don't bother. ...

OP posts:
Benzalkonium · 15/11/2014 00:05

That's a shame, feeling unspported .... If no method is suitable for you have you looked at FAM... It could help you identify at least a few safe days in the month.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/11/2014 07:55

What's FAN?

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/11/2014 07:55

Fam

Stillwishihadabs · 15/11/2014 08:11

Quality varies from fantastic to mediocre. The quality vs quantity question is interesting, recently we are making an effort to dtd more often (think 6 rather than 3 times a month) and for me.the quality of the extra sex is not as good. I would rather wait until we both really want to. Dh doesn't seem to notice so much any sex is good sex for him.

HowsTheSerenity · 15/11/2014 08:18

I probably have the most boring vanilla sex ever with DH. It's good. He always thinks about me. However I dontbwant to rip his clothes off. I think it's more me though (stress, illness, hormones ect). I went from a pretty hardcore BDSM/swinging thing to straight PIV.
One day I'll get my mojo back.

As for orgasm? It's too much like hard work. With my BOB (battery operated boyfriend) it's great. During sex I have to concentrate incredibly hard to get anywhere. Makes me wish I was that studious at school Wink

Stillwishihadabs · 15/11/2014 08:24

Yes I usually orgasm, say 90% of the time. Much prefer PIV to anything else.But we do play around occasionally.

Gatekeeper · 15/11/2014 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiggyD · 15/11/2014 08:31

Decent? Nope. Most of my sex is indecent apparently.

gemdrop84 · 15/11/2014 09:00

It's fantastic most the time, just have the odd occasion, every couple of weeks or so I don't finish but I still enjoy it! We talk about it, we laugh about it. We talk about what we like, would like to try. It was fabulous last night Grin and if dc weren't here I'd be up in bed with dh right now... I do miss sleepy morning sex!

Chunderella · 15/11/2014 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 15/11/2014 10:31

Have just split up with my partner so nothing at the moment. But god was it the most BORING sex I have ever had. He was a virgin before we met at the age of 33 so he didn't really know what he was doing but still, you'd have thought after 16 months he would have got the hang of it. 90% of the time I initiated things, we would just do the standard 3 positions (if I was lucky) and he could only ever cum if I was on top. He never, ever managed to orgasm in any other position (sorry, TMI but haven't told anyone in RL).

Seeing as I have had amazing sex in the past, this was dreadful Hmm

lemonsandleeks · 15/11/2014 14:55

It's boring and infrequent, but seeing as DH is my first and only, it's the best I've ever had. I'm content with it.

WineWineWine · 15/11/2014 15:40

feelingunsupported If you want to spice things up but feel a little scared about bringing the subject up, a few tips:

Do a little browsing on the internet to find some interesting pictures. Try a site like Lovehoney. It could be some sexy underwear or a couple of toys. Send him 2 or 3 in an email and tell him that you can't decide which to get, and ask what he thinks.

If you want to get a toy, start with a bullet. Fantastic clitoral stimulation that you can use during intercourse, that won't scare or intimidate him.

If you are feeling a bit more adventurous, look up sexy or erotic (or porn) on Tumblr. There are some amazing images on there. Send him a couple with a message like, 'fancy trying this?' or 'I want to do this to you' or 'yes please'
If you find a blog you like, send him the link with the message, 'Interesting link, got me thinking'

Next time he's in the shower, go in and leer at him a bit. Make it obvious that you are looking at his tackle, not his face. You don't need to say anything, maybe just hmmmm

It's all about opening up that communication and being brave enough to try something new.

WineWineWine · 15/11/2014 15:46

you'd have thought after 16 months he would have got the hang of it
How exactly, is he supposed to get the hang of it? He can only learn from feedback and communication from his partner. If your partner is rubbish in bed, and you haven't told them, shown them or demonstrated to them, exactly how to do it better, then you can't really complain that they haven't worked it out. If you have, and they can't be bothered, then you deserve better!
If he had difficulty in cumming, it's probably because his body was used to the pressure of masturbation. That takes time and patience to retrain, as well as self control. I doubt that he had the knowledge of confidence to do that.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/11/2014 17:33

How did you k ow she didn't try to show him?

I've slept with plenty of guys who couldn't give a crap how it was for me. Even when things were hinted at.

It is possible he just didn't care. She said she'd had great sex before didn't see? Well that rarely happens without mutual communication and trial and error. So she must be used to suggesting and trying things so why think. It's just her?

bigdreadiedad · 15/11/2014 18:15

infrequent and unadventurous

If you know what you like that doesn't have to be bad sex.
OH god am I just that accustomed to bad sex I can't recognise it

WineWineWine · 15/11/2014 22:49

Giles, if you read my post, I did give both alternatives of if she didn't show him she couldn't complain and if she did he might just be lazy. I didn't say it was just her.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/11/2014 22:57

I just thought it was obvious that's all. On a ONS sure it's either crap mediocre or good. When it's a relationship some people you are sexual my compatible with others it takes work and even if it's not great after the work you still usually see things in a person that you care enough about for it to mot matter quite so much. Well not at first anyway. I'd say it was fairly obvious from the post that she had tried and given it long enough to work it out. She didn't ignore him or refuse to have sex or cheat. (Not according to the post anyway)

That to me makes it seem obvious that it was lack.of effort on his side.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/11/2014 23:06

Anyway bad sex is depressing..We have all been there too many times

I'm still jealous of miss 12 a night and wondering if her dh has a brother?? Grin

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