am i being fair to my 17 yr old daughter

[ghostspirit]

my daughter gos to college mon and tueday. wed,thurs,fri. she is at home so on theses days. i ask her to tidy 2 rooms. living room and kitchen, sometimes the hall. and she picks her siblings up from school. i get home 10 mins after they get home. I give her 10 pounds a week for doing the 3 day school run. plus 18 a month for her phone. and if shes going out with a friend or something i will give her extra money.

im up at 7am sorting the kids getting them to school then i come home for about 45 mins and get sorted for work. i then go to work and get home 3.30-3.40 i work in a school kitchen its very busy and physical. Im 16 weeks pregnant and having problems with my hips and back time i get home i want to cry in pain and can hardly walk.

sat/sun/mon/tuesday me and the boys 7 and 12 do house things between us.

my daughter is constantly moaning about it. going on about all the stuff she has to do. i have come home to a bomb tonight there were not even clean plates for me to do dinner. im meant to be signing a new tenancy tomorrow i said to my daughter if you were a landlord would you want us living in this house. her reply was well its not my (her) responsability if i get into trouble......

Am i asking to much of her.

Been here eight years now and it's always had its moments but it's got worse in the last couple of years. They even had to put up guidelines for aibu. Trolls everywhere. People like super wife. Still. Haven't left. Just a lot choosier about what I post on.

according to govenment full time is 12 hours and over. I'm not going to make her do anything else. one step at a time i think.

I stand corrected
*Full-time education is education undertaken in pursuit of a course, where an average of more than 12 hours per week is spent during term time
•receiving tuition
•engaging in practical work
•receiving supervised study
•taking examinations

This does not include time spent on meal breaks or unsupervised study*

so 2 days could class as full time!!

cross posted!

indeed its about goals and achievements for her. not me and not anyone on here :)

I rarely post but couldn't not here.

I was once just like your 17 year old. I done the house work....The baby sitting etc. I hated it....All of it. I was being driven down by my own mother.

She 'convinced' herself it was right I was to help and baby sit as it was good for me and innocently just pulling my weight.

she convinced herself she was reasonable and was not using me as doing the tasks a partner should by saying I'm a lazy teenager and it's not hard for me to do the house work school run or babysit.

Ur doing the same....re read your posts OP. You are trying to find out if you unreasonable....yes you are. ...but because your allowing. ....saying it's ok that she only does 2 days a week.....you've accepted you want things to go one step at a time.....admit it's because it benefits you.

Your crime is not the babysitting or housework....but the lack of enthusiasm you have in driving her to be better.

Strangely people forget children grow up and become adults themselves. ...They know in the end if parents did right by them or themselves.

Babysitting and doing housework will not help her get anywhere quicker or faster...In fact it keeps her in the slow lane.....where she can continue to help you more.

p.s luckily due to my own drive that i found at 18, I am happy and successful; and trust me...It was just luck. Parents are supposed to do what's best for the child. You should help her get her life on track.

:/

Wolf could you please describe the "housework" you were expected to do please? And the babysitting.

The key is in the detail and thats why I would rather not respond to what you have posted until you have said what you had to do in terms of chore and childcare etc.

Tidied the front room. Feed the animals. Sometimes I'd cook. Now I own my own house and do housework obviously what I used to do at my mums is not a lot to now.....but it's not the amount....that's irrelevant. ..its how it makes you feel doing it.....its feels...really horrible. She's your mum and you love her and she's single so you have to do it. ...You can't say no can you. ..even though I did as we would row about it but still I ended up doing it anyway. It wasn't the amount. It was the emotional blackmail...It wasn't my mum's fault sh didn't know I felt this way but I felt like there was more importance in being my mum's partner than starting to live my own life. I feel she could have done more to make me realise I should be aiming for more than what she had. ...not me helping her with what she's got.

P.s I love my mother though. ...and this is a good thing as I will help my child a lot and encourage her to aim high.

Teenagers can be lazy....its hard as you don't know what you want to do with your life. ..its knew being my mum's oh was not it though.

I just think op should put herself in her DO shoes....then ask if she is being unreasonable.

Sounds like your DD needs some kind of mentor or role model who can encourage her to better herself.

thankyou dixie. its defo an age thing. in 6 months probably be something else that comes up.

the 12 year old is quite good might have a moan now and then. but nothing to really complain about. he likes to cook as well. but 17 year old is not confident with oven/cooker at all.

the 7 year old used to cry at everything that was said to him. when i say we are having a tidy up day i would say you clean the bathroom and hall. he would just cry.. but then i leaned if i give him cleaning stuff and say clean the bath with this cleaner and rince it of so its shiney hes ok. but if i just say clean the bathroom her cries :/ dont know why really

The 4 year old i just say jump and she says how hi... she does everything she is asked. i dont think she sees it as a chore yet

Typing on this phone is driving me nuts. For the record I can spell very well...not that you would believe it by the above posts.

I didn't do any chores either while I was growing up. My mother's mother died young and my mum had to be the little mother in the house from quite a young age (in the days when men did FA in the house) and she wanted us to have a 'proper childhood'.

What a curse that was for me. I only properly got it together in my 30s.

wolf, I don't know what you experienced (and I'm sorry if it was too much) but OP is not driving her dd into the ground with chores. Far from it imo.

I'm glad sense has battled through on this thread, despite the vicious LP/benefit etc bashers. Vile. How the other half live eh.

i was the same springy staff i was youngest of 8. and everything was done for me.

I know springy...It's not about the chores. It's that op.... In my opinion seems happy with how dd's life is going as it helps her out a bit. I know she loves her daughter but I feel she is only half heartily helping her daughter...taking it one step at a time as she needs someone to pick the kids up afternoons x and have the dishes clean for when she gets in so she can cook dinner.

This is just my opinion. . I feel a similarity to Op and my mum and my experience. ..so posted on the hope op can look at it from the other side.

I wish you both all the best x

one step at a time because its been a big achievement getting her into college them 2 days a week. let her settle in with that first then look at other/more things when shes more settled. I also dont want to risk her not feeling good enough as that would then knock her confidence and we could be back at stage one. as long as she now sticks at college gets her qualification then that is an achievement. she can then go to the next level.

I don't think OP is happy with how her dd's life is going - it's why she's pushing her dd in the direction of gainful employment. It sounds like it's been quite a battle. Her dd may or may not settle in a job that pays enough but is essentially a job - not everyone wants to soar careerwise, or indeed has the means, opportunities, leg-ups, education, mentoring, vision etc.

With or without all of that, dd should pull her weight. I really don't think OP is expecting dd to carry the weight of a partner. If OP divided up the chores, who does what, dd is doing about 0.5% not the 50% we expect from a partner.

Sounds like he cried because he didn't know how to do it OP?

Perhaps you could have some cooking sessions with dd to get her confident with it? It would be an opportunity for you to have some time together, just you and her. Or forget the cooking and go to a cafe together, just you and her (somehow!)

Sounds like he cried because he didn't know how to do it OP?

This.

With my lot they can create utter mayhem in the conservatory (their playroom) but if I say "Right, come on, get it tidy" they all kick off because it seems insurmountable and they dont know where to start. So I say "Everyone pick up 20 things and put them away" which is far more doable and then another 20 until it is done.