am i being fair to my 17 yr old daughter

[ghostspirit]

my daughter gos to college mon and tueday. wed,thurs,fri. she is at home so on theses days. i ask her to tidy 2 rooms. living room and kitchen, sometimes the hall. and she picks her siblings up from school. i get home 10 mins after they get home. I give her 10 pounds a week for doing the 3 day school run. plus 18 a month for her phone. and if shes going out with a friend or something i will give her extra money.

im up at 7am sorting the kids getting them to school then i come home for about 45 mins and get sorted for work. i then go to work and get home 3.30-3.40 i work in a school kitchen its very busy and physical. Im 16 weeks pregnant and having problems with my hips and back time i get home i want to cry in pain and can hardly walk.

sat/sun/mon/tuesday me and the boys 7 and 12 do house things between us.

my daughter is constantly moaning about it. going on about all the stuff she has to do. i have come home to a bomb tonight there were not even clean plates for me to do dinner. im meant to be signing a new tenancy tomorrow i said to my daughter if you were a landlord would you want us living in this house. her reply was well its not my (her) responsability if i get into trouble......

Am i asking to much of her.

yeah some how lol. its a while yet but when im on maternity leave and kids are at school we can do lunch together and stuff like that. so that will be good.

How is the op being half hearted. She is 16 weeks pregnant. A few more months and there will be another baby. The tax credits that she will lose from the dd she will gain back with the new baby. She will presumably be on maternity leave.

It sounds more to me that the op is being very practical. Dd should stay in college and get the qualification as well as still have the security of a roof over her head in terms of the homeless option. Leaving college and either not bothering to seek work or struggling to find some is not going to help mother or daughter.

Just now that £14 she could put to after school care goes towards home life. Dd is not unhappy with picking up the kids. The chores are a part of family life.

If the op really didn't care about her daughter, she would be thinking oh well it's okay, new baby on the way so dd can leave college and do whatever, doesn't matter as I will be fine.

Honestly. This thread. It's hard to be restrained and I'm not even the op

bogeyface i sometimes do simlar. how many things can you put in the box in 20 seconds. i do sometimes forget the 7 year old is still a small child. guess hes sort of in the middle. hes more simlar to the 4 year old really. i dont mean he acts babyish but i have to remember hes still quite young compard to the 12 and 17 year old

i just had everything done for me because i was youngest. when others left home/ and my mum done a runner. was just me and my dad and i was bit of a spoilt brat really

Wowsers! She has it pretty good! Back when I was 17 (1995), I was in school full time (6th form), worked 16 hours a week evenings and weekends and also had to hoover the whole house every day, wash the breakfast dishes (and often teatime dishes too) and take/collect my little sister to/from school (as well as look after her during EVERY SINGLE school holiday). My mum stayed out once or twice a week at her boyfriend's house in another town and so I had to look after my sister during that time too.

For the privilege of living under my mum's roof and doing all this stuff I also had to PAY HER £35 a week!!! That didn't include the phone bill either. I had to pay for all my own calls on the itemised bill.

I'm really disgusted by a lot of the comments on this thread. Spiteful, judgemental and horrifyingly bigoted against single mothers in many cases.

OP is clearly a loving, engaged mother. She is asking her daughter to do minimal levels of household work - a little tidying, a little minding the younger siblings - for which she pays, and quite generously.

I was expected to do more at a younger age, as my mother was a single parent too. It did me no harm at all. Quite the contrary; I learned how to look after myself in household terms. It didn't impede my education - how could it have done, unless you also feel nobody can work full time without a housekeeper? I got a clutch of very good A levels and went to a very good university. Codswallop, to pretend a little tidying and babysitting might hurt those chances.

Our job as parents is to raise functional adults. That means ones who appreciate they need to look after themselves, and at times other people. For the record, making your 6 year old put his own crocks and cutlery in the dishwasher and clothes in the laundry basket is harder than doing it yourself. But it is part of good parenting to make them appreciate how the house is run, small incremental step by small incremental step. When my kids leave home they will know how to work washing machines, dishwashers and boilers; how to cook basic meals and a cake or two; how to balance a statement and organise their accounts; and that houses do not clean themselves. I call that responsible parenting. Cossetting young adults so you can congratulate yourself on what a great parent you are is in my view to fail them.

ace post sleeponeday. i guess at least when my kids will know how to look after themselves when they leave home.

I've not read every post but this what my 16 yr old dd does for me every week ...

She goes to collage 3 days a week , full days .. On 1 of her days off she looks after her sister , 8am -6pm saving me 1 days nursery fee , she will also babysit of a evening adhoc ( maybe once twice a month) for DH and I go out . She is also expected to keep the house ( and her bedroom) reasonably tidy ( not do the housework but just to pick up after herself ) . She has her £25 phone bill paid for and also £50 a month as a thank you for having the baby one day a week ....

She is looking for a PT job and if this clashes with the childcare then I will review the arrangement as her paid job will come first ..

Anyway my point is .. She does all of this happily , it was her idea to have the baby instead of nursery . Some teenagers wouldn't want too and I think if it's forced it would create more hassle than it is worth ..

Both DH and I work full time to give the kids a good life and and I think the older ones should help with the little ones , it's called being a family and helping each other out .. I was self sufficient at 16 with a baby of my own to look after , thankfully I had been taught how to keep house and cook , it's essential life skills .

The DC are university with young people who've never been expected to lift a finger at home, ever, and they find it deeply tiresome that these people can't cook, can't be bothered to clean and are just uninvolved in the running of their student houses.

What tends to happen is that in 2nd year, the ones who can do basic housekeeping end up living together, and all the really crap, messy, untidy ones who leach off their friends in year one end up living together from year 2, creating a downward spiral of ability in those houses. A young person would have to have a hell of a lot going for them to overcome a refusal to wash their dishes for weeks or put the rubbish out ever, or clear up food spills. They're not good housemates and people just don't want to put up with it long-term.

FFS make sure your teenagers can pull their weight BEFORE they leave home. You're doing them no favours by not ensuring this.

i defo know im doing the right thing now....

Haven't read the whole post but I really don't think she is doing a lot! Only 2 days a week at college and then 3 days to tidy 2 rooms and do a school run each day isn't exactly much! TBH once my kids are that age (couple of years off) even in full time education (which will be 6 days a week) I would expect them to be doing that and more! And I bet plenty of her friends are doing more-I expect she is just feeling a bit resentful being the oldest and having a few responsibilities but it comes to us all!

I read a lot of comments here at the moment and just think, what the hell is wrong with some of you? I've been on MN since 2007 in various guises, and I have never, ever seen such a toxic combination of malice and sanctimony. You are posting to real people, talking about their most personal and sensitive and vulnerable choices and situations. Mumsnet has always been a place for honesty, but this is not honesty. It's attack for the fun of it. It's spite, and it's profoundly ugly.

I can only assume the people doing it are bitterly dissatisfied with their own lives, because happy people just don't treat others that way. If you need counselling, get some - just stop kicking the virtual dog. It's really horrible to witness, and it must be far worse for the targets.

sleeponeday, im not really sure if the nasty comments are personal as such or if its a way to get a debate going :/

I'm afraid deleted comments are always personal. If they aren't personal, they don't break talk policy. Conflicting views in a debate aren't deletable.

The basic rule is that you can attack a post, but not the poster. A rule that seems to be beyond some posters, sadly.

I have no idea why that post was deleted.It basically said that
the Op should be encouraging her to get some fire in her belly- maybe working with children , volunteering in a school

lol norma i want to know what it said hahaah

My 18 year old goes to college 3 days per week, 2 days he now works in the family business (because he wouldn't get a job) + he is expected to do the 'normal' family jobs, dishwasher, bit of cleaning, tidying after himself and popping the vacuum round when needed.

What I wouldn't expect him to do is 'co-parent' which I don't think you are.

I think you are reasonable and TBH I would expect more housework to be done and maybe dinner started. She's got a good deal.

You must have reported it Norma then because I can't really remember what else it said

I can't get over your OP where you said that there weren't any clean pots so you could have dinner.

How did your DD use every single pot and pan while you were at work?

Sorry, just thought maybe they are the pots and pans from the last evening meal you all ate and maybe your DD is responsible for washing up, drying up and putting pots away after dinner.
If this is the case, would your 12 year old help out?