am i being fair to my 17 yr old daughter

[ghostspirit]

my daughter gos to college mon and tueday. wed,thurs,fri. she is at home so on theses days. i ask her to tidy 2 rooms. living room and kitchen, sometimes the hall. and she picks her siblings up from school. i get home 10 mins after they get home. I give her 10 pounds a week for doing the 3 day school run. plus 18 a month for her phone. and if shes going out with a friend or something i will give her extra money.

im up at 7am sorting the kids getting them to school then i come home for about 45 mins and get sorted for work. i then go to work and get home 3.30-3.40 i work in a school kitchen its very busy and physical. Im 16 weeks pregnant and having problems with my hips and back time i get home i want to cry in pain and can hardly walk.

sat/sun/mon/tuesday me and the boys 7 and 12 do house things between us.

my daughter is constantly moaning about it. going on about all the stuff she has to do. i have come home to a bomb tonight there were not even clean plates for me to do dinner. im meant to be signing a new tenancy tomorrow i said to my daughter if you were a landlord would you want us living in this house. her reply was well its not my (her) responsability if i get into trouble......

Am i asking to much of her.

I think tidying the house is a fair deal and it's all part of her realising that everyone must pitch in and keep a house clean and tidy. Would she be up for getting a Saturday job? I worked in retail up until recently and there were loads of shift options for Saturdays because it was so busy. So your DD could work 4-6 hours on a Saturday and earn her own money to spend when she goes out? Then you won't have to give her money. When I was 17 and in college, my dad paid my phone contract but I worked weekends and during school holidays and paid rent. With a Saturday job, your DD might not be able to contribute financially but you'll save money by not giving her money to go out.

I think the childcare is a separate issue. At 17, she most likely wants to be with her friends all the time, not being tied to pick her siblings up everyday. What would you do if she moved out tomorrow? You'd have to sort it, because your children are your responsibility, not hers. It's nice that she does it, but she's not required too and I bet it gets in the way of any plans she has. You say she babysat once a week when you were seeing your DP. She probably thinks this new baby will mean yet more babysitting and childcare. Your decision to have children is yours alone and she is almost an adult who is not responsible for your childcare.

ilovesooty she is doing a beauty course.

Sounds like she's lost track of the end result. Has anyone sat down with her to discuss what she wants to achieve? It's easy to lose track of the end result when you're going through the grind of studying. If she has a vision she knows what she is working towards...

I appreciate the above sounds like the Walton's though! Teenagers can be an absolute pita, of course.

On the one hand you don't want to give her the responsibilities of a partner (and as a SP you'll have plenty of people jumping on your back telling you you are...) but on the other hand she needs to pull her weight. Who does the washing, for instance?

Oh gawd

with the babysitting/childcare. it takes her 20 mins to walk to the school and 20 mins to walk back. and im back 10 mins after they are sometimes the same time. i dont think it does her any harm. with other baby sitting i ask her. also im single again now so im not going out or anything. so it is just the afternoon school run 3 times a week. and i thought it was quite common for teenagers to get paid for a bit of baby sitting their siblings.

time wise as i said school run 40 mins. kitchen 10 mins. living room say 15 mins. so just under an hour of her day. i dont think thats much really. not sure really.

infinity8 yes you have it spot on them times are about right. and as i said she gets extra if shes doing something. The washing i do that. she will put on a load if there is something she needs washing whilst im out.

i dont (think) im asking for to much if she was in employed job she would be doing alot more and it would take up alot more of her time. im thinking if she cant manage things at home then how would she hold down a job. but then maybe a job is different to doing things as home. not sure

I don't think looking after your other kids is fair on a 17 year old. That's your responsibility OP, not hers. I would encourage her to look for work outside the home and chip in with housework, you are only paying her £3 an hour.

I may be taking your last comment and completely misinterpreting it but when you were 'dating' were you leaving your daughter with your other 3 children?

This is not acceptable if that was the case. She's 17, she's a young teenage girl who attends college. Not a live in babysitter so her mum can enjoy nights out. That's what she should be doing.

You chose to have children therefore it's your responsibility to look after them. If it wasn't for your daughter, who would do the school run for you?

Your daughter is not a substitute mummy for when your not there.

springydaffs. maybe your right i think maybe we could have a chat about things not just about house stuff but how shes getting on. maybe we should have more positive one to one. we do have chats but they are often moments. probably not enough time. i think if we can have more time together it might have a positive knock on effect with other things as well

superwifeandmum. yes she was baby sitting her 3 siblings when i went out. she was getting 20 pounds fo 2-3 hours baby sitting. she used to ask if i was going out so she could baby sit because she wanted to save up money so she could get her boyfriend a nice present and treat.

My friend had a son who was worse than this. He is now 30 and has never worked and even steals off his mum. She is ill and worried what is going to happen to him as rest of family refusing to take any responsibility for him! He was very spoilt as a child and never made to help or get a part time job!

"because she wanted to save up money so she could get her boyfriend a nice present and treat"

Oh dear.

ghostspirit its time for you to start acting as her mum and not treating her like you would a partner. if she was your OH then what you are saying is completely reasonable. but she isn't and from your other posts it seems like she is taking the place of an OH. she needs her mum to treat her like a daughter. the chats you are suggesting are a great idea. but, she isn't there to look after the other children that you are choosing to have. fair dos she should do her fair share of the work but personally I would sooner see her out doing a job and being paid than looking after your other kids. this will teach her more. at the moment what is she learning about life and relationships. How old were you when you had her? I am guessing pretty young late teens/early twenties. can you see history repeating itself here?

She needs to do a course and a job that take up a proper amount of time not two sort of full days a week. you need to be helping her to get the skills she need to enable her to move out in the next year or so. My only worry if I am really honest is that you don't really want this to happen because she fulfils the partner role for you.

so is babysitting siblings not as common as i thought ?

I don't think you are asking anything unreasonable, but maybe you need to appreciate her more for doing it. You are really lucky to have her around (and will struggle when she moves out) and she's naturally going to feel a bit ambivalent about that.
Just realising how lucky I was to have dd1 who studied for 5 A levels and held down a saturday job and did most of the housework while I was pregnant with dd2/ did her revision with sleeping baby while I tried to earn a living.
Do you thank her for everything she does or just expect it?

And what is her life plan? (other than being your backstop/ au pair/ right hand woman? )

ghost - it's like a parallel universe here sometimes. Pay no heed.

Nothing wrong with DD collecting the kids from school.

Nothing wrong with DD babysitting.
Nothing wrong with DD tidying the living area.

She's at college 2 days a week. That's it.

She doesn't appear to be doing any cooking, cleaning, laundry (unless she wants a specific item) etc - why not? She lives there too.

If she lived here and was only doing a beauty course 2 days a week she'd be doing a damn site more than that whether there were other kids at home or not, whether I was pregnant or not.

She's being a bit of a brat and needs telling.

Op I think mummy had a point.

At 17 she really should be going out with her mates and doing either more days at college or a proper job.

She's not yet an adult. Of course she should be helping out but her and your priorities should be herooking forward to her future not babysitting a future baby.

You seem to have a lot on your plate love. Do you get help from dad? Do the kids see their father?

Of course babysitting siblings is normal, though seldom paid - it's called being a family.

Appreciate her more?? She's doing fuck all and moaning about that.

thank you chipping yes in them bullet points i don't think its that much.

chippinginAutumnlover - of course babysitting is normal but what isn't is taking on the role that a partner or husband would usually do. my eldest babysits her siblings but its once a week. she doesn't have to take them to and from school most days. the OP then goes on to say about leaving the baby with her whilst she goes out with the other siblings. can no one else see this? substitute dad? no wonder shes feeling a bit meh about it. she wants and needs a mum. what is her life plan here. finish beauty therapy and then what. wait until she has a baby of her own then she can look after her new sister full time. the poor girl has a complete lack of ambition and its no wonder really.

hi chilling. her freedom. monday/tuesday after 4pm thats when college finishes. wed,thurs,fri if she got out of bed say 9 she could have the house stuff done by 9.40 then shes free till. 2.40. then school run i get home 3.30/3.40. then shes free again. sat/sun she is free as well. i think there are teens that have alot less freedom than she does. she does not even get out of bed till gone midday