am i being fair to my 17 yr old daughter

[ghostspirit]

my daughter gos to college mon and tueday. wed,thurs,fri. she is at home so on theses days. i ask her to tidy 2 rooms. living room and kitchen, sometimes the hall. and she picks her siblings up from school. i get home 10 mins after they get home. I give her 10 pounds a week for doing the 3 day school run. plus 18 a month for her phone. and if shes going out with a friend or something i will give her extra money.

im up at 7am sorting the kids getting them to school then i come home for about 45 mins and get sorted for work. i then go to work and get home 3.30-3.40 i work in a school kitchen its very busy and physical. Im 16 weeks pregnant and having problems with my hips and back time i get home i want to cry in pain and can hardly walk.

sat/sun/mon/tuesday me and the boys 7 and 12 do house things between us.

my daughter is constantly moaning about it. going on about all the stuff she has to do. i have come home to a bomb tonight there were not even clean plates for me to do dinner. im meant to be signing a new tenancy tomorrow i said to my daughter if you were a landlord would you want us living in this house. her reply was well its not my (her) responsability if i get into trouble......

Am i asking to much of her.

Fuck me, Super do you still wipe your kids arses at OPs DDs age?
You clearly enjoying twisting everything the OP has said to suit your own agenda

My issue is that this OP expects her 17 year old daughter to play mummy while she is either working or out socialising. Granted the OP said she doesn't go out now she is single and pregnant but when she did her daughter had to look after the other children

I don't know how to put this more clearly for you - she collects the children from school three nights a week, the OP is home either at the same time, or ten minutes later. When she babysat (as teens do) she got paid £20.

What part of that is 'playing Mummy'?

Ghost is parenting just fine. Nothing wrong with what she is doing At All.

On what basis do you say she can't manage the children she has? Other than purely being nasty?

She goes to college two days a week.
She tidies the lounge and kitchen 3x a week (or is supposed to)
She collects the kids from school 3x pw

OP your daughter should be focusing on her future so hopefully she doesn't end up like you, the least you could do is provide some encouragement to ensure that doesn't happen

seriously take some fucking responsibility and instead of popping out kids left, right and centre concentrate on the ones you have instead of palming them off on your eldest

And you say you aren't being nasty Jesus wept, I'd hate to see you when you are.

Domi yes, with a hundred pound notes. That's what happens when you have 'millions of pounds in savings'

Honestly, I don't know why I let her wind me up, she has as many posts deleted as are left standing. I really should learn just to ignore her but when she's being nasty to posters it's hard to ignore.

chipping. i think i sometimes give more info than i need to really. it was really quite a simple thing when it comes down to it

Yes, ghost it was. Teenager not pulling her weight and whining about the precious little she does do and you just wanting to confirm you weren't being unreasonable.

But of course, some people will jump on you if you post in AIBU irrespective of whether you are or not - it's like a sport. 'Teenagers' is a bit better.

The fact that you are a single parent and pregnant is neither here nor there as far as this thread is concerned but you should be able to state the facts without people being utterly vile, sadly, that's not always the case.

But really - ignore, ignore, ignore...

My 17 year old babysits her siblings regularly, she likes doing it because she gets the telly and the PS3 to herself, and she gets paid. Whats not to love? She does it at least once a week. I used to babysit at her age and it was a great job, getting paid for watching tv!

When I take H to work the kids sometimes stay at home with DD if she is here, again everyone is happy because no one is disturbed from what they are doing and it makes it a ten minute job not a half hour one. I dont ask her to help in the house because she is at college 5 days a week but if she was only doing 2 days then I would. She does her own laundry and cleans her own room though. DD2 (12) does the dishwasher as her chore, DD3 (10) and DS2 (9) fold and put away the clean washing and DD4 (3) is expected to tidy up after herself and they all take their plates into the kitchen after dinner. DS1 has flown the nest but when he was here his did the bins and he paid board. During the holidays they all pitch in more.

I chose to have 6 children but it wouldnt make any difference if I only had one. Every person living in a house contributes to making it messy/dirty pots/ laundry etc, so its only right that everyone does age appropriate chores to help with that.

It is spelt M U M M Y not M A R T Y R

*Domi yes, with a hundred pound notes. That's what happens when you have 'millions of pounds in savings'

Honestly, I don't know why I let her wind me up, she has as many posts deleted as are left standing. I really should learn just to ignore her but when she's being nasty to posters it's hard to ignore.*

As many posts deleted? Laughable as I'm sure I have only had two posts deleted. A slight exaggeration there don't you think? Although since I don't keep tabs on what I post, you could prove me wrong.

Money has nothing to do with it. I just wouldn't dream of letting my children act as a childminder or cleaner, after all that's what nannies and housekeepers are for .

I never did 'chores' nor would I expect my children too when they are older.

In my opinion children are children not housekeepers or nannies.

I would prefer my children to concentrate on their studies and extra curricular activities rather than looking after their siblings are cleaning our home.

Each to their own I suppose.

Well done, you clearly do believe your own publicity.

Happy to listen in a few years when you have fully grown adults who need an instruction manual on how to iron a shirt or load a washing machine :)

Oh shut your face super wife. Honestly what a load of drivel.

OP. You are not being unreasonable at all. Two days a week at college is nothing. Helping out with cleaning is good for her, means she won't be utterly clueless like I was when I left home at sixteen because everything was done for me. Didn't know how to wash clothes fgs. No idea about cooking. Rubbish with money. Your dd has plenty of time to study, cleaning a couple of rooms doesn't take more than an hour or so and a pick up from school three times a week is nothing either.

Does she get a bursary from college?

I'm 18, I've lived by myself for a while now, i left college due to finances and now work full time 40-45 hour weeks, I do everything for myself and my partner and my step-son who, granted is only here part time.

I think she needs the responsibility of doing those things, otherwise going into the real world is going to be a shocker (as it was for me!!!)

She needs encouraging to get a job on the days she is not in collage. I know it's probably easier for you having her at home but it is not helping her.

She needs to start being independent and living her life. Of course she should help at home but I'm not convinced a 17 year old should be tiding up after 3, soon to be 4 siblings.

A part time job will be harder work than she does at home but it will be a good start to becoming an independent woman.

Op yanbu , my dd 16 babysits for her 10, 2 and 3 year old siblings( not 8 month old twins I think they are too young) I rarely pay her, if I do it would be a fiver or a takeaway. She doesn't expect paying though it's called being part of a family. She also does chores but only dishwasher/ tidying dining room. ( used to put away family laundry which took are two hours a week!, but she no longer does that as she is studying for GCSE's) for approx £40 a month.

Ignore the goady fuckers, OP.

I think you're doing fine. There's nothing wrong with your DD babysitting and doing chores, it's normal and I would think there was something wrong if she wasn't able to do those things. Does the 12 year old help out too? Maybe it would help a bit to give them defined chores, so eldest does ABC and 12 y/o does DEF, for example. They should both be helping out, though eldest can obviously do more as she's home five days a week.

It's teaching her independence if nothing else. When I went to uni at 18, the number of people who couldn't operate a washing machine was scary. Teenagers need to know how to do household chores - that's your job as a parent to teach them that, and you do that by making them do chores daily/weekly as needed - how else are they supposed to be able to live indepdendently?!

Good luck with the new baby

I don't have any little kids, just two teens. They have chores, like most children. They keep their rooms tidy and do their own washing, help with cooking and when we clean the house they do a 1/4 each. In the holidays if dh and I are working they clean the house, do prep for supper etc. When I was their age I didn't do any cleaning because we had a cleaner, but I did cook twice a week. A small contribution to the household should not interfere with school work or extra-curricular activities, and is a part of growing up.

I think it is a good idea for teenagers (and younger children too) to have jobs in the home. Babysitting younger siblings every now and then is totally normal isn't it? Picking siblings up from school if you are at home doing bugger all seems absolutely fine to me. If the dd doesn't want to do it then she should get a job or spend more time at college.

Sound like this dd is taking a lot for granted.

Hi ghost

Posted last night but then fell asleep

There have been some rough comments since and quite unjustified i think. You know what she doesn't sound like a bad kid

My kids don't have chores either. My 17 year old works hard at school, studies hard, does lots of homework, has some extra curricular activities and when has free time relaxes or meets friends. He kieeps his room tidy, doesn't leave dirty clothes lying around. He enjoys cooking but that is something he chooses to do. Same with my teenage DD, she has 12 dance classes a week outside school, Duke of Edinburgh Award scheme, homework and rarely has any down time.

I didn't do any chores as a child either. My teenager's job atm is to work hard to gain a place at college or University.

I work 30 hours a week and I don't have paid help.

As a mother it's my job to help my children have higher aspirations than being paid for chores or babysit.

OP there is presumably a man in your life- what childcare and domestic suppport does he give? You are only 16 weeks pregnant- you must have been on good terms with him in the very recent past to be in this position.
What does he do to get his children to school or babysit?

Bloody hell posted too soon.

It's great that she seems settled at college now. I think she could see if she could get a part time job and that could help her sense of responsibility.

You are doing a great job in a tough situation.

Sorry to be blunt but I'm not sure that adding a 5th child to the mix could be called "doing a great job".

Where is the father in all this?

super seriously I am a bloody pushover but my teens got part time jobs at 17. They managed them and A levels and socialising too.

It's good for them to get the work ethic and it's even better for them to build up ambition as when you pot wash at the Local pub or waitress for 6 hours you realise unless you get those exams you will stay doing that.

It's also good for them to be to what to do in no uncertain terms by another adult.

big not a helpful opening sentence really. The op is where she is.

As an adult who had to do lots of chores and babysitting for siblings, I can tell you I hated it. I also had to work part time if I wanted any money which I did agree with. I was supposed to be their older sister, not their carer and deeply resented it. You're already planning on getting her to look after the new baby that you not she chose to have.

If she is only at college two days a week she needs to find work along side for the money and experience ready for when she leaves home.

You don't need to be a loco mum to exist as an adult, housework is not exactly rocket science.

THebodynow- but the OP is an already experienced mother who seems to be struggling without a 5th child. It seems a little irresponsible to be bringing another baby along when things are already in a state.