am i being fair to my 17 yr old daughter

[ghostspirit]

my daughter gos to college mon and tueday. wed,thurs,fri. she is at home so on theses days. i ask her to tidy 2 rooms. living room and kitchen, sometimes the hall. and she picks her siblings up from school. i get home 10 mins after they get home. I give her 10 pounds a week for doing the 3 day school run. plus 18 a month for her phone. and if shes going out with a friend or something i will give her extra money.

im up at 7am sorting the kids getting them to school then i come home for about 45 mins and get sorted for work. i then go to work and get home 3.30-3.40 i work in a school kitchen its very busy and physical. Im 16 weeks pregnant and having problems with my hips and back time i get home i want to cry in pain and can hardly walk.

sat/sun/mon/tuesday me and the boys 7 and 12 do house things between us.

my daughter is constantly moaning about it. going on about all the stuff she has to do. i have come home to a bomb tonight there were not even clean plates for me to do dinner. im meant to be signing a new tenancy tomorrow i said to my daughter if you were a landlord would you want us living in this house. her reply was well its not my (her) responsability if i get into trouble......

Am i asking to much of her.

mummymeister. i said just whist i do the food shop thats only once a month if that as i normally get home delivery. and she even laughted and said shes going to take selfies of her and the baby. and i said i would take the 7 and 4 year old with me. so it means she would only have baby and 12 year old. and it would be to ask her to look after them whilist i went shopping not to tell her

ghostspirit what does she want to do with her life. does she enjoy this course. is she doing it because she messed up the last one. does she want a job in beauty therapy or is she doing it because it was all that was available. where do you see her in 5 years time. where does she see herself. I think she needs a bit of help and advice. I totally agree she needs to do her fair share but is she sitting there thinking there must be more to life than this?

Gosh I must be very mean, I wouldn't dream of paying one of my teens to babysit the little one. If they are in, they do it willingly, if they are going out then, well, DP and I stay in. I do pay mine for doing extra chores though, when they are in the sixth form. Yes they have managed to study for A levels and hold down part time jobs as well, but I am aware I am fortunate and some teens are harder work.

I think she should do some stuff for you OP, what you have mentioned sounds reasonable really.

Ghostspirit if she went on holiday for a month, would you be able to manage your job, pregnancy and looking after a 4,7 and 12 yr old? if the answer is no, then I am right.

What exactly does DD do in the lounge and kitchen? I think you all need to have clearer roles within the house. So something like ...

Eldest - DAILY loads and unloads dish washer x times a day. Hovering and mopping floors when needed. Wipes down all kitchen surfaces and breakfast tables. Breakfast things away. Collects siblings and provides them with a snack

12 year old - DAILY moves the laundry through the system a little bit each day - so putting it in the washing machine and dryer. Sorting dry items into piles the following day and delivering piles to bedrooms.

7 year old - DAILY makes everyone's packed lunches (to order) and clears lunch boxes after use.

4 year old - DAILY helps one sibling do their jobs

You - loos, ironing, paperwork and cooking (although your kids should cook every do often)

My dd babysits for me. I hardly ever go out, maybe every 2-3 months but she's happy to do it. I don't pay her and she certainly doesn't ask to be paid. The couple of times I've offered she's refused because she understands that money is tight and I rarely get out.
She also collects DS from preschool occasionally because she wants to (on her one day off in the week). I never ask her to do this.

If I was you I'd be putting my foot down about everything. Money for basic things that as a family member she should be doing would stop. If she wants a phone, get a job, if she wants money to do stuff, get a job (she's got the time). If she can't be arsed to wash a few plates up so you can cook dinner I'd stop washing her clothes and generally pandering to her. I'd also let her know that I wouldn't be calling college to make excuses for her. If she doesn't go in and gets kicked off her course then it's her problem and she needs to start looking for a f/t job. Laying in bed all day is not an option!

I'd also stop expecting her to be your live in childminder. It's not her job, it's yours.

I know this sounds harsh but she's 17, nearly an adult, and from all of your posts I don't thing you're doing her any favours.

She doesn't take them to and from school most days - she collects them 3 afternoons.

Ghost talks about going out with the other kids and leaving the baby to go FOOD shopping not partying.

No, Ghost doesn't expect her to play the role of partner while she goes out. She got paid quite nicely to babysit - hardly something unusual for a teenager to be doing

The teenager lacks ambition - yep, that's an issue. She failed a course last year - yep, that's an issue. She's lazy and unmotivated - yep those are issues. However, that's a completely separate issue.

myironlung - in the 17 yr olds mind she does have a job in childcare plus college.

mummymeister, As i said struggled to get her to go to college. but touch wood i think shes getting there. she seems happier than she was before. she will come home with fake eye lashes telling my what she done with them and telling me about warm waxing her tone is like shes happy and pleased and she had passed assements quite fast and she seems really pleased with herself. compared to last year she seems better in herself. To be honest im not sure where i see her in 5 years. i see it as one step at a time. because it had been such a struggle. she has clients at college and she seems so happy about that. so i do have a feeling maybe she has found something that she feels she can work with.

I would say she makes 1/4 of the mess in the house so she needs to tidy and clean 1/4 of the house to make it fair. Your job, hours and situation are irrelevant I'm afraid. You/younger siblings tidy the remaining 3/4.

As for her picking up siblings, I think that's beyond the realms of normal chores, I would pay her minimum wage for that (I don't know how long it takes her). Maybe the £10 is right.

And then I would give her a set amount of pocket money each month, say £50 which she has to pay phone bill herself and NO MORE. If she wants to socialise/go shopping she needs to get a job. I suspect you're slightly fuelling her laziness and lack of responsibility by not giving her a 'budget'.

mummymeister Thu 13-Nov-14 23:37:08
Ghostspirit if she went on holiday for a month, would you be able to manage your job, pregnancy and looking after a 4,7 and 12 yr old? if the answer is no, then I am right.

Rubbish. Utter rubbish. Families work when everyone does what they need to do. Last year the DD attending a course full time, so clearly the Op had other childcare. Currently the DD is at college two days a week and contributing nothing financially - in fact getting hand outs - and sleeping/pissing about the rest of the time, the least she can do is pick the kids up from school, it's hardly 'childminding'.

mummymeister you're probably right which is why I said I'd stop expecting her to fill that role.

thankyou chipping. i think i allowed myself to be dragged in a bit.

SuperWifeANDMum Thu 13-Nov-14 23:30:58
Chipping are you taking the piss?

No, but you posting some nasty stuff.

Whatever beef you have with single mothers, take it elsewhere.

Seriously stop making excuses for ghostspirit she's a useless irresponsible parent

How fucking rude.

No wonder your daughter wasn't exactly thrilled by this pregnancy, she obviously knew she would be saddled with looking after yet another one of your children when she should be going out herself enjoying her youth, attending college and preparing for university

No ChippinginAutumnLover - families work when parents make them work. her DD is 17 and required to be in education or training. this might not be where she wants to be, who knows? we haven't heard her side of the story have we. Of course at 17 she needs to be doing her fair share of the chores. but she also needs her fair share of parenting.

ghost

There's nothing wrong with your situation, any of it, don't be dragged in by people who like to post nasty stuff to make themselves feel good.

Yes, your DD lacks ambition, but as you say, she's doing this course, she's doing well and getting good feedback. She might just have found the right track.

She's being a typical lazy teenager around the house - you are supporting her, don't stand for the whinging. She's doing bugger all around the house.

Give OP a break. Some of you are nasty. No wonder so many teens are lazy and entitled when there are parents aghast at the thought of sibling babysitting and a bit of housework?

The 17 year old isn't Cinderella. OP isn't swanning off on a Friday night and returning on a Sunday morning. She's entitled to a social life just as much as anyone else. I can appreciate that she definitely orchestrated becoming a single parent again though. That's what we all plan when we fall pregnant

Ignoring SuperWifeandMum (really? ) 's rather extreme views......

OP, you are certainly not being unfair to your dd.
IMO you are being FAR more generous than you should.

Your dd is doing less than my teens are expected to do, and they all have (or the eldest did when he was 17) 5 full days at school plus homework.

If the older ones help out by looking after younger (when they were young enough to need 'looking after') they did it because they were part of the family, and, in my world, people all pull their weight in whatever way is age/stage appropriate, to help make the world go round.

Ghost is making it work.

If Ghost has posted this same thing but been married and not pregnant people would be falling all over themselves to tell her that she needed to sort her DD out and get her contributing to the household and not acting like a spoilt brat.

But no, because she's a single mum with a baby on the way she's expecting the DD to be the other parent FFS she walks the kids home from school 3x a week.

backforgood
^ this!

You said it better.

backforgood. come to think about it i was younger child and my sister used to look after couple of us then younger kids till my mum got home from work it was just part of family life.

And also the afternoon school run also makes sure she gets out of the house. if she did not do that i dont recon she would get out of bed till 3pm