To still beat myself up about when DS was born?

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know what I'm after really - maybe just some reassurance that how I'm feeling is normal.

DS is 7m/o and sometimes I look back on the first few days of his life and I hate myself because I feel like I let him down.

I go over it a lot in my mind and it usually brings me to tears. I was thinking about it earlier when I was taking DS for a walk and I just welled up.

He came via ELCS and I didn't hold him when he was delivered. He was given straight to DH (put down his top) and I feel so disappointed in myself for not asking to hold him. I didn't hold him for 45 minutes until I got into recovery and even then I was very detached from it all, I just remember feeling hungry and asking for some toast.

I didn't feel that "rush of love" for him that most mothers talk of. I did feel happy though, I remember being wheeled back to the ward with DS in my arms and I remember feeling like my little baby was here safely. I have got a photo of myself holding DS as soon as we get back to the ward, I'm smiling and look genuinely happy so I must have felt it, but my actual memories surrounding the days around his birth just make me feel sad.

BF didn't go well at that start and I look back and wish I had tried harder for him. He lost a lot of weight and had jaundice and I feel like it's my fault.

I remember my first night on the ward and I was still pretty numb and DS was being sick in his crib (mucousy) and he couldn't roll and I couldn't get to him and I felt petrified for him. I shouted for help and another mother came and turned him on his side for me. In those few seconds of me feeling helpless I was so fearful he was going to choke and die so I know I felt love towards him and I was protective of him but I just can't shake the feeling that I didn't love him properly enough.

I'm never going to get those days back, they should have been the most amazing days of my life and I hate myself because I don't feel that way. Surely I should? It upsets me that the one chance I got to enjoy and embrace the arrival of DS (and love him with my whole heart) I wasted it, I feel like I let him down by not feeling like the days surrounding his arrival were the happiest days of my life. There were external factors which led to me feeling down for a few days after his birth, but surely his birth should have been enough to make any other bad stuff seem insignificant?

I am rambling.

How do I just let the guilt go?

This isn't a situation where it is something that someone, whether it be you or someone else, has done.

As a couple you decided he should go to the wedding. It was a sensible choice; I think I probably would have made the same decision.

By the time he had gone to the wedding and you were in hospital and wanted him with you, it was too late. But that wasn't anyone's fault. It was just sod's law, bad timing, bad luck, whatever you want to see it as.

Even if he hadn't been at the wedding he wouldn't have been able to be with you in the hospital all the time, and you would still have been left on your own at times, as most women (unfortunately) are.

I think I agree with penguin. I can understand why you have chosen to fixate on your DH being there those few days, and why you've decided to blame yourself for making that decision, but it really isn't anyone's fault. As so many other posters have said, those first few days can be utterly overwhelming for most people irregardless of what support you have around you, and imho if anything is at fault here, it's the media/forums/books etc which sell us the idea that those first few days are going to be blissful.

The decision for your DH to go to the wedding is no-ones "fault". It was a joint decision made at a moment in time with the best information that you both had. No-one has to be to blame for it, even though you perhaps wouldn't make the same decision next time.

And you don't need to find reasons for emotions/feelings - usually there aren't many reasons for emotions!! You felt how you felt - there's no right or wrong.

Finally, no one has to be "responsible" for how things went. Events happened the way they did, beyond anyone's control. To try and claim or apportion responsibility is unnecessary and futile.

With all due respect you don't 'know it would have been different' .... You had wonderful care they knew you were struggling....

It's almost as if you vested so much time thinking about the whole scenario you lived it out a certain way....sorry it that sounds harsh....

He is ultra laid back....If you had said 100 percent "I want you there" he would have been. Maybe you wanted him to make that choice for himself "no way I'm up for best man duties with imminent arrival of our baby ....I've already let friend know"

This needs to be dealt with and moved on from. You have not let your ds down.... Stop playing out perfect scenarios to yourself....they seldom exist.

Writer, I had an ELCS and was in hospital for a bare 48 hours afterwards. DH was there for every second of the hours fathers were allowed to be there for, and it was stil a horrible experience.

It was unfortunate that visiting hours were about to end by the time I came back to the (overcrowded) postnatal ward after the section, so I spent several hours alone with my baby, frightened, alienated and unable to BF, with zero support from overstretched and not very sympathetic staff, and then spent two nights alone in a side room with a hungry, unhappy baby and no one to help me. I remember those nights with absolute horror, and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, and yet DH was there every moment he could have been. There was still a lot of appalling, endless solo time.

I wish I had happier memories of my baby's first days. It was no one's fault, though.

you really have nothing to feel guilty about. My 1st delivery was an emergency csection under general anasethic (sp). I didn't hold ds for several hours and even than I was high on morphine. Breastfeeding never took off partly due to lack of support. He was fully bottle fed before we left hospital. I was extremely upset and felt cheated but 10 years later it really doesn't matter. My 2nd was emcs under spinal. I held ds in theatre and breasfeeding was a breeze. Yet I was still upset I didn't get to see delivery. A surprise pregnancy meant an elective section. I was able to dictate terms and got to see ds as soon as he was delivered. I could have held him but I felt dodgy from the epidural. But all the births were different but it hasn't affected my relationship with my boys. In fact ds3 was back in hospital as he lost so much weight but he is fine now. Maybe try and go to a maternity listening service. I did it with my 1st and it really helped.

apologies not read whole thread.

writer few people are born 'strong' or 'weak' we are all just normal. Sometimes things will upset us and we'll find them hard to deal with. The way we deal with them then makes us better able to cope next time. Its a process that takes place in adulthood and its interesting looking at your dob that my hardest times were between 28 and 32.

Honestly this is all part of life, it's part of gaining strength. It's no reflection on you, the strength is about working out how to deal with it and move on.

I've woken up this morning feeling very clear minded. After talking on here and reading people's responses and really taking in what you are all saying I just feel so different. I feel like a weight had been lifted.

And I know this probably sounds weird but I'm even looking at DS from a whole new perspective. Before he was my DS who I loved but always felt there was some kind of barrier between us but today, I look at him and feel a whole different kind of love. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. My feelings seem so much more natural now, like I'm allowing myself to love him without any guilt. I always had this sense before that I had to prove myself and somehow show him how much I loved him because I felt he doubted it - I know how ridiculous that is because of his age but feelings aren't rational. Today I'm laughing with him more, I'm smiling more and I just feel happier.

It feels so amazing to feel this clear about how I feel towards him.

That's great Writer.

Try to take a mental snapshot of today. That way, if the difficult feelings ever try and work their way back in, you have ammunition against them . Hopefully they won't, but I'm a girl guide at heart still, always be prepared.

Ah that is so lovely to hear....

That post sounds so different to your previous ones on the thread....so much happier

And as far as these laid back partners....remember be nothing but extremely direct

Take care

Writer, I'm so pleased to read that!

That is lovely to read. Guilt is not a useful feeling.

I dreamed of having my baby delivered on my tummy. DS wasn't and I was sad about it. Looking back, this was probably because I was lying sideways and haemorrhaging .

My next one was a twin, who had to be taken away so that they could move me, and all the equipment, in a hurry, to the delivery room to deliver her sister........... who was a bit small, but was given to me wrapped up after being checked over. DD1 (who I hadn't seen) was with the very young junior doctor who had broken my waters. He was holding her like a first time dad, who had never held a baby before and looked so soppy, it was funny! It has stuck in my memory and I don't begrudge him - I think it was his first twins! But I still felt a bit miffed, and I got her back and they all cleared off and left us with the midwives and babies.

So, I had 3 babies and it never happened.

Don't forget to take some photos (or make some sort of reminder) of the good bits. Life gets so busy and it is so easy to forget them, when things are not so good.

I can really empathize OP! I think that childbirth is so traumatic it's not possible to know how you will react and you just have to let go of that. I vomited immediately after giving birth, and the midwife commented 'Oh, I've never had anyone do that before...' I didn't want to hold him, I hated the crying, and the day we checked out he was in his carseat and I was sitting as far away as I could without it looking odd. The midwife walked past and raised her eyebrow like she felt sorry for my son. I cried all the way home.

The love kicked in a while after we got home and never left me again! DS is 17 now and he's still my adorable little boy. He was way too young to remember his first days, so it just really doesn't matter. Maybe you (and I) needed to retreat a bit and protect ourselves at that time? Who knows? It's all fine now, that's what counts