To still beat myself up about when DS was born?

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know what I'm after really - maybe just some reassurance that how I'm feeling is normal.

DS is 7m/o and sometimes I look back on the first few days of his life and I hate myself because I feel like I let him down.

I go over it a lot in my mind and it usually brings me to tears. I was thinking about it earlier when I was taking DS for a walk and I just welled up.

He came via ELCS and I didn't hold him when he was delivered. He was given straight to DH (put down his top) and I feel so disappointed in myself for not asking to hold him. I didn't hold him for 45 minutes until I got into recovery and even then I was very detached from it all, I just remember feeling hungry and asking for some toast.

I didn't feel that "rush of love" for him that most mothers talk of. I did feel happy though, I remember being wheeled back to the ward with DS in my arms and I remember feeling like my little baby was here safely. I have got a photo of myself holding DS as soon as we get back to the ward, I'm smiling and look genuinely happy so I must have felt it, but my actual memories surrounding the days around his birth just make me feel sad.

BF didn't go well at that start and I look back and wish I had tried harder for him. He lost a lot of weight and had jaundice and I feel like it's my fault.

I remember my first night on the ward and I was still pretty numb and DS was being sick in his crib (mucousy) and he couldn't roll and I couldn't get to him and I felt petrified for him. I shouted for help and another mother came and turned him on his side for me. In those few seconds of me feeling helpless I was so fearful he was going to choke and die so I know I felt love towards him and I was protective of him but I just can't shake the feeling that I didn't love him properly enough.

I'm never going to get those days back, they should have been the most amazing days of my life and I hate myself because I don't feel that way. Surely I should? It upsets me that the one chance I got to enjoy and embrace the arrival of DS (and love him with my whole heart) I wasted it, I feel like I let him down by not feeling like the days surrounding his arrival were the happiest days of my life. There were external factors which led to me feeling down for a few days after his birth, but surely his birth should have been enough to make any other bad stuff seem insignificant?

I am rambling.

How do I just let the guilt go?

You can't jump in a time machine so please stop being so hard on yourself! The fact that you feel so guilty shows you are a wonderful mother so dust yourself off and get on with enjoying your baby now and building some nice memories for yourself. Lots if fun, lots of pictures etc. I know its not easy but hopefully talking will help.

I think you need to turn it on its head and not think about what you missed out on but think about just how much of a journey you've been on to get to where you are now and how amazing that is. cheesy reality tv video segment of your story here.

Maybe you did miss a magical moment. Maybe you didn't... The point is you'll never know. Remember that photo your friend has doesn't tell the whole story. The romance you have in your head about it, maybe very different to the reality of her experience.

I'm not sure what I expected of theatre. I think thought DH would be more emotional or elated. Instead he just looked utterly bewildered and I did feel disappointed at his reaction. I think I thought I would feel more connected to DS when I first heard him cry. In the end I just thought, "Oh fuck there really is a baby in there. Now what?"

Having spent so long obsessing over it, I guess it did feel a little flat compared to what I thought it would be, if I'm honest.

"There is research that suggests that women who plan an ELCS are less likely to end up with trauma than women who plan a VB"

I wonder how much that has to do with the fact that women who get a c-section generally get optimal care from a large number of professionals who are following evidence based protocols. In the UK women trying for vaginal births are, on the other hand, quite likely to end up being

• left alone in labour (25%)
• not allowed freedom of movement
• induced (up to 1 in 3 in some hospitals)

Create an environment where normal physiological births are actively obstructed and made more difficult and painful, and then stand back and marvel at the fact that lots of women have awful experiences and complications which need surgery and instruments to resolve......

Which is why I'm always pretty about research which compares emotional outcomes of v/b and c/s.

My heart goes out to you op. As you can see from the thread many of us have had similar feelings and experiences. You are absolutely not alone. When my DS was born I felt utterly numb, i had an awful birth and ended up with ptsd/pnd/anxiety but did get a lot of good help and support from my gp, health visitor and mental health team.

It felt like logically I knew I loved him but I couldn't feel it, or anything really. I used to get very upset and feel that I had let him down. I couldn't cope with breast feeding but felt very guilty about ff. Honestly i say the first month was dreadful, he was (and remains!) very high needs. He would scream when put down, never slept-urgh.

I think with both boys I had to get to know them before I truly felt I loved them. I can remember ds1 being about 8 weeks old and I got up to him in the night and he gave me this big gummy smile and that was my big rush of love right there, totally overwhelming. DS2s birth was way easier, although he was prem and in scbu, but I didn't get a big rush of instant love then either. The first words both my kids heard me speak were "thank god that's over" ??. I think if you are having trouble moving past the birth it's time to maybe talk to your gp and think about some counselling, you have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing at all.

mini you are barking up the wrong tree again. The conclusion of the research wasn't that the method of birth that was important. It was women's expectations of the birth that were. That could include all the things you mention tbh.

Oh and both mine were vaginal births - ds1 in theatre with keillands forceps and a spinal and ds2 with just a bit of gas and air. I wanted an elcs second time round but ds had other ideas

I felt much the same as you; birth was relatively normal but I think I still suffered birth trauma mentally. Thing is they did put her straight on me, and all I could think was that she smelled funny and I wanted them to take her off me again. I only started liking her at about 3 months old, and even then it was a 'you're pretty easy, I guess we get along' kind of affection. You can see a doctor if it's bothering you, I've learnt to live with how I felt but you don't have to

Oh sweetheart. Don't feel bad. I've just read through your post and you sound like a lovely mum who wants to do the very best for her son. I had a very similar kind of experience with the birth of my son. It's major surgery, it's a traumatic experience, it knocks you for six.

You can tell from your post how much you love and care about your son, you really sound absolutely lovely and you shouldn't feel bad. Just concentrate on the here and now. I rarely get moved by posts but yours really has moved and I wish I could give you a hug.

When DS was born we did skin to skin straight away and my only feelings were relief that the agony was over. Waters broke, long 1st stage, not progressing, induced on the drip, contracting (back to back) every 2 minutes for 4 hours, begged for an epidural but was told I wasn't far enough along, DS born 30 minutes later. I was definitely in shock. Bf was a nightmare (Tongue tie). The first two weeks of DS's life were the worst 2 weeks of mine. I've felt terrible guilt over this, not having the rush of love thing that I'd heard about. I was told at my 8 week check that I could have some counselling if I still felt so upset at 12 weeks but by then it had eased as I'd just fell completely in love with my baby and didn't feel I needed it.

I sort of wish I'd taken them up on the offer now. All I'm seeing now is the "baby's first Christmas" stuff- babygrows, baubles etc and I know my baby's first Christmas was rotten. We didn't do anything very special for him. I just spent the day dreading him waking up as he'd need feeding again. I just feel so guilty that it wasn't a lovely, special time. Everyone keep telling me last year doesn't count but it bloody does to me. Needless to say his 2nd Christmas will be very, very special.

Redtoothbrush - most people feel they've got a reasonable chance of a normal birth.
20 years ago that would have been a reasonable expectation for a first time mum.
In many hospitals in the UK that is no longer a reasonable expectation as the MAJORITY of first time mothers are induced/have forceps or ventouse/have syntocinon in labour/emergency c/s.
That's the new 'normal'.

Can I add - I'm totally in agreement with those who say that a straightforward birth doesn't necessarily equal easy bonding or breastfeeding and even those who have great care in hospital can find that the first few hours/days/weeks are traumatic and strange.

BUT

Having labour interfered with, and patchy postnatal care can and does impact on the immediate postnatal experience for many mothers.

Ask women who've had a complicated hospital birth followed by an uncomplicated home birth - most of them will tell you that the first few hours and days following a homebirth feel radically, positively different.

Poor writer has poured her heart out and again, mini is banging her fucking drum. Not appropriate!

writer, I have no personal experience but I just wanted to offer an UnMN hug. I hope the kind people in this thread have been helpful for you.

Thanks crash - I keep re-reading all the responses. I read some last night whilst lying in bed but I had to stop because it made me upset again. I think it's because I have bottles it all up for so long and to have so many kind responses had just overwhelmed me. It's hard to go from constantly thinking I let my baby down to suddenly everyone reassuring me that I didn't. I don't know why but I feel like I'm punishing myself. I was so excited throughout the pregnancy, I had scans every 4 weeks so I really felt like I knew him before he arrived but then when he did I couldn't make the connection between my bump and the baby that was in the crib next to my bed. If my husband knew how I felt he'd be so upset, but I've never told him about some of things I did whilst I was in hospital or how I felt towards DS. Maybe a little part of me thinks he would be disappointed in me. I've had a few rough patches during DS's life - based on sleep deprivation and BF difficulties - and a few weeks ago I told my DH that our DS deserves a better mom than me. My DH was was really upset when I said that, he always tells me what a wonderful mom I am. I know I'm a good mom though, I do everything I can for DS and I love him so much, I know that when I said he deserves a better mom I didn't mean it but it felt like the most natural thing to say at the time.

I think it might be quite healing to have a talk with your DH about how you felt. If he's a good sort, his response may surprise you. It was a long time before I could discuss DS1's birth experience with my DH, because I found it so upsetting, and it turned out he felt exactly the same way. It really helped to know we had this shared experience.

Maybe you're right. We are going out for a meal this Friday, the 3rd time we've been out just the two of us since DS was born. Maybe I could talk to him then. I do want to tell him, I'm just scared to. He's got a lot in his plate at the moment (his mom died unexpectedly a few months ago) and I don't want to add to his worries.

I've got to take DS to the doctor this afternoon. I might see if the HV's are there and ask if mine can come and see me at home.

I think a talk with your DH is a good idea Writer, I really doubt he will feel disappointment. I've always been very open with my OH about these things and he's been great.He thinks I'm nuts but never just says "don't be silly" - he was there he knows how tough the first few weeks were. Interestingly, he has no guilt or concerns whatsoever, he's pretty much certain he's a fantastic Dad(which, of course he is)!!

I usually don't have a huge amount of time for the hvs in our area but they do seem to be good for things such as this. Also, when I did speak to my GP she was really god and took me seriously, my main worry was being told to pull myself together and that I had it easy really but she was very understanding.

god?? she was good- not divine!

What did your GP Suggest Nicky?

Do talk to your husband. I am sure he won't be disappointed in you. Why would he be?

It is sometimes painful to let stuff out, but ultimately it's healing too. The sooner you can put those feelings of guilt behind you, the more you can enjoy your tiny baby (who is still tiny, whatever it feels like now. The time he has been with you is a blink of the eye of his childhood).

Oh writerwannabe this makes me so sad - if you remember we had our babies same time, both CS and we both struggled to feed.

I know exactly what you mean, I felt so desperate and detached (although fiercely protective) for a while and I felt incredible guilt that I failed to give birth 'properly' (mine was an emergency section), that the useless contractions had squashed DS' neck, made him unable to latch... The list goes on. I would be fine but burst into sobs if I talked about his birth. Very strange.

All I can say is that talking to my DH helped me rationalise it, and believe it or not a holiday in the sun. It felt like a fresh start, I felt a bit rejuvinated as DH had helped a lot in the week & we had some lovely meals out as a couple (with DS in the pram asleep). I think I needed to 'get back to me' and reconnect with my old life a bit IYSWIM.

Being a mum is hard. We just have to try and be kind to ourselves. We did the absolute best for our babies under the immense pressure of new motherhood x

I hope you feel better very soon.

I just don't want my DH to feel guilty. He knew I didn't want him to agree to be Best Man and he knew I was hurt that in the lead up to the delivery he was still choosing that instead of being at the hospital with me. Things were made difficult when my ELCS date was bought forward (it was originally booked for 2 days after the wedding) but he still could have pulled out. We argued about it quite a bit and in the end I told him to just go to the Wedding but he should have known I didn't mean it. I told him that when I'd had the CS and DS was here there was no way he'd want to leave us but he thought I was over reacting.

As predicted, when the time came he didn't want to leave us but it was too late then.

Maybe I'm more resentful of him than I realised. How can I still harbour a grudge 7 months on though?

Following discharge I had an awful few weeks and DH was amazing, he was such a wonderful support to me and I think I would have cracked up if it wasn't for him. He was wonderful. Surely that's more important than the fact he couldn't be with me for one day when I was in hospital. Everything is just so confusing.

It was at my 8 week check and we were both physically fine but she expressed concerns about the way I was talking about the birth and bf. I was having trouble sleeping (in the tiny gaps available to sleep!) and still getting nightmares about the actual birth. She suggested time for the guilt feelings (which worked to a degree), but for the birth issues she suggested filling in a form given to me by the mw about the care I'd received airing some of the issues I had. She offered a review with my community mw to go over the birth itself and counselling if I needed it. She arranged to see me at 12 weeks to see if things had improved. TBH it was good to hear someone say "Yes, You've had a hard time-you're not going crazy". I'm not sure what can really be done about guilt though??? If you feel guilty then you do-even if you shouldn't IYSWIM??

I know what you mean. My antenatal care at the hospital was wonderful, my CS went fine, there were no long term complications, the midwives and all staff were lovely and kind and there was nothing wrong with the after care. I have absolutely nothing to be upset about or feel down about in relation to the arrival or DS or the care. I just feel guilty about how I felt towards DS and some of the things I did.

Writer are you often a perfectionist type of person?

You just don't hear about mothers struggling in the early days. PND gets a bit of press but not just the everyday struggle.

I didn't feel an immediate rush of love at all. I felt shell shocked after birth and then I felt tired and confused at how to look after this life that was dependant on me and I had no clue what I was doing. I mourned my old life and wondered what I was thinking having a child.

My experience is by no means unique. I also bizarrely feel guilt at not being more patient, giving up on BFing which I hated. I still look at new mums who are just chilled out and enjoying it all and wish I could have been more like them but it just isn't my make up... they are probably struggling too in reality.

A big factor is how alone we are in this. We have the internet and books but real support from family and friends is so limited as everyone is working and has so little time. We think we have to do it alone. 60 years ago everyone pitched in. You recovered for a week in hospital from an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, let alone a CS or assisted delivery. A 4 hourly routine and bottle feeding, as well as a huge support from you family and community made this period much more bearable. Without the pressures, we might not have these difficulties.

Try not to beat yourself up OP. I went back to work when DS was 6.5 months old and was pleased to go back and hand him over to the professionals who knew what they were doing. I still hadn;t really bonded. I think he was about a year old when I could honestly say that I enjoyed spending my days with him and now at 2.4 I gush like any other. No more for me though!!

I'm a total perfectionist Red - everything has to be done to a high standard and in a specific way. I'm one of those types who pays attention to detail, dots the i's and crosses the t's etc. I'm very thorough and everything has to be sequential and logical.

I do set high standards for myself, I know I do.

My DH on the other hand is so ridiculously chilled out, I just can't understand how he can live his life that way. We are complete polar opposites.