To still beat myself up about when DS was born?

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know what I'm after really - maybe just some reassurance that how I'm feeling is normal.

DS is 7m/o and sometimes I look back on the first few days of his life and I hate myself because I feel like I let him down.

I go over it a lot in my mind and it usually brings me to tears. I was thinking about it earlier when I was taking DS for a walk and I just welled up.

He came via ELCS and I didn't hold him when he was delivered. He was given straight to DH (put down his top) and I feel so disappointed in myself for not asking to hold him. I didn't hold him for 45 minutes until I got into recovery and even then I was very detached from it all, I just remember feeling hungry and asking for some toast.

I didn't feel that "rush of love" for him that most mothers talk of. I did feel happy though, I remember being wheeled back to the ward with DS in my arms and I remember feeling like my little baby was here safely. I have got a photo of myself holding DS as soon as we get back to the ward, I'm smiling and look genuinely happy so I must have felt it, but my actual memories surrounding the days around his birth just make me feel sad.

BF didn't go well at that start and I look back and wish I had tried harder for him. He lost a lot of weight and had jaundice and I feel like it's my fault.

I remember my first night on the ward and I was still pretty numb and DS was being sick in his crib (mucousy) and he couldn't roll and I couldn't get to him and I felt petrified for him. I shouted for help and another mother came and turned him on his side for me. In those few seconds of me feeling helpless I was so fearful he was going to choke and die so I know I felt love towards him and I was protective of him but I just can't shake the feeling that I didn't love him properly enough.

I'm never going to get those days back, they should have been the most amazing days of my life and I hate myself because I don't feel that way. Surely I should? It upsets me that the one chance I got to enjoy and embrace the arrival of DS (and love him with my whole heart) I wasted it, I feel like I let him down by not feeling like the days surrounding his arrival were the happiest days of my life. There were external factors which led to me feeling down for a few days after his birth, but surely his birth should have been enough to make any other bad stuff seem insignificant?

I am rambling.

How do I just let the guilt go?

I couldn't make the connection between my bump and the baby that was in the crib next to my bed

This was me. I used to beat myself up for being so stupid for getting pregnant and not thinking enough about the baby I'd get at the end of it. I was so thrilled to be pregnant I was actually quite bewildered when the baby arrived and I felt no love at all. I felt an obligation to care for her, but I would look at her and it would barely register that she was my child and I was her mother. I didn't feel like a mother.

It was all tied up with the postnatal trauma and anxiety and PND.

As for whether you can still hold a grudge 7 months old, I never have and never will forgive my FIL for turning up to the hospital, unannounced and uninvited, and sending my husband off to the canteen. I had JUST arrived on the ward from recovery, and the last person I wanted to see was him. So, there's my grudge. From reading what you've said, your husband fucked up massively and you must have spent that day cursing him to kingdom come. You have the right to still be pissed off! You should talk to him about it. Chances are he'll be defensive (I'm sure he still feels guilty) but he might just apologise and you can both put it behind you.

Hi Writer.
Like your D.S my D.D was born by C/section but hers was emergency rather than elective.
I was put to sleep and very groggy and sleepy when I came around do I didn't see her properly till she was 1 day old. I held her cuddled her, kissed her. Sang to her fed her but felt nothing. No rush of love no maternal insticts at all. My friend was always going on about this instant bond she felt as soon as her dd was placed in her arms well may be the bond was there for her right away but I will freely admit I had to grow to love my D.D. A lot of people say it's because like you I did not hold her straight away.
Don't get me wrong the sun shines out of her back side now. We're exeptionally close. Not just mum and daughter but best friends.

so many experiences on here must surely prove that giving birth is totally overwhelming, in whatever way, shape or form you do it.

I sympathise OP; my DD1 was born after a very traumatic and long (back to back, 3 epidural top ups, ventouse) labour 8 weeks after my Dad dropped dead. I dont think I was sane for about 6 months afterwards and did have PND.

I can remember a nurse taking DD1 away for a little while, and I walked to the loo. Came back and walked straight past the nurse with my baby, didnt recognise either of them!! The nurse said 'dont you want your baby then?' and I was just mortified.

DD1 is now 18 and one of the lights of my life (the others being DD2 and DH). As someone else said earlier, motherhood is a marathon not a sprint - dont feel guilty about what you cant change, just focus on what's still to come which I can guarantee is much nicer and more fun than those immediate post-birth days!

Also writer, Please don't strive for perfection. There is no such thing.

"I'm a total perfectionist Red - everything has to be done to a high standard and in a specific way. I'm one of those types who pays attention to detail, dots the i's and crosses the t's etc. I'm very thorough and everything has to be sequential and logical."

I think you need to work on letting this go with regard to parenthood Writer. As others have said, there is no such thing as perfection. But also, there is no objective measure. One person's 'high standard' may be a baby who sleeps through the night at 8 weeks. Another person's 'high standard' may be a baby who sleeps with them until they actually ask to move to their own baby. There are no i's to dot or t's to cross.

What you describe is so, so common, especially in older, professional mothers (I think you are both, but I can't remember). We've reached our thirties, we know ourselves, we know what works. We have a professional mentality of attention to tiny details, logic, assessing problems, researching solution and applying them. When we try to do the same to tiny people we come massively unstuck. Especially when we apply it to analysing and analysing why something didn't go exactly the way we wanted. As Charlotte Church memorably sang, even god can't change the past .

I haven't read the whole thread (sorry) so apologise if what I write has already been said.
I didn't get any "rush of love" with either of mine, I was very protective of them and thought they were beautiful and cute, I'd say I definitely had a "bond" from day one but when they were newborns I simply did not know them.
Now they are two and four and I have nurtured them, watched them grow and develop from tiny newborns. They have their own very different personalities and I adore them.
I think you have to get to know your children the same way as you get to know anyone else.
I had never held a newborn before ds1, I remember thinking he was so floppy and fragile. It was a very surreal feeling that in my arms was my son who minutes before had been squirming inside me. Dh calls birth "becoming a face" instead of a bump as it's the first time we see their face.
There is nothing to feel guilty about op!

I felt the same as you, except I had a drug free 4 hour water birth. Yeah, strangely detached, I'd put it. Odd. It lasted a few days. Then she had to get some injection and she turned purple and screamed when the needle went in and I felt like giving the nurse a karate chop to the windpipe.

Oh, and you know what? When my other kids were born, I loved them more, but only because I looked at their perfect older sister who was by then, a little person. And I thought "this baby is going to be like that one soon enough". And the thought filled me with so much happiness.

I thought as much writer. I think thats probably where your biggest issue lies as it underlies a few of the things you've said, not just your birth experience. You are very hard on yourself and find it hard to cope when things don't work out to those high standards.

Being a perfectionist is good for a lot of things in life but it definitely has a negative side which can be destructive. Its something that you have to learn to moderate and know when to be be more realistic which is bloody hard to do. Otherwise it causes you enormous amounts of stress.

Essentially its about being in control. When faced with a situation you don't feel in control of in someway, it produces masses of anxiety and is something you can't easily let go of. Hence

You said "I'm very thorough and everything has to be sequential and logical." Actually, you aren't quite as logical as you think. There is a huge emotional element in there, as being so ordered is something of a coping strategy.

I might be off the mark here, but I think that your birth issues are probably part of a bigger problem rather than being The Problem, if that makes sense. The fact that this is such a huge point in your life makes it a focal point, but not the cause. How do you generally cope with stressful situations in your life?

When I get stressed at work I usually end up in tears. A bit of a childish reaction really but that's what happens

I'm good in stressful situations if I'm the 'good guy' in the scenario and I know I'm helping to relieve stress from others or I'm helping others, in those instances I take a mature and confident approach. But if I feel like the stress is occurring because of something I have or haven't done then I just get really upset.

writer sometimes I think we're the same person - what you said about stress is just like me and I still have trouble believing ds grew inside me.

I wanted everything to be perfect for ds (me and dp even argued over getting the curtains cleaned when I was pregnant... like ds would notice!!!) and because things haven't been it's really upset me because in my mind he deserves it.

Its not childish. Its because you don't have alternative strategies to cope with stressful situations. Your way of coping is being about being in control. As soon as the rug - your security - is pulled from you, you don't know what to do instead. You've just said it again here "But if I feel like the stress is occurring because of something I have or haven't done then I just get really upset." Its about things going 'right' or 'wrong'. If you are helping someone else then you are doing something 'right' in a sense so you don't get stressed about it in the same way. If its just about what you've done, there isn't anything else to fall back on or blame in a way. You can blame the situation that you didn't make or create if you are helping someone else.

It's just so difficult. I was seen as the Golden Child when growing up - I had a lot of pressure put on me from my family, my mom especially, to be perfect and for some reason my family had me on some sort if pedestal and I was "going to make them all so proud." It has just built up over the years to them now believing I am strong and invincible.

It's hard to show weakness when everyone around me expects so much more from me

Is it weakness. Or just being bloody human!

I bet half the time if you just said what the problem was no one would think less of you.

I think a shit tonne of the pressure is coming from yourself and no one else.

now if i could just take my own bloody advice I'd be a lot happier...

I know it's human but it's not how some of my family would see it.

I come from a very complex family. My sister sees a psychologist on a weekly basis.

Writer, you are the mother now, to your small son - are you going to model expectations of impossibly perfect behaviour for him, and expect him to live up to your idea of him, so that well into adulthood, he's tying himself into knots trying to be perfect for his mother? Or, to flip that, are you going to expect him to be the chilled-out person you may sometimes want to be but aren't, and blame him when he exhibits self-blame when he isn't perfect?

I'm not blaming you in the least here - I recognise huge elements of your original post, and I still blame myself two and a half years on for not being able to BF - but you are the parent now, and part of that is modelling healthy behaviour for your child so they can grow up without your hang ups. Obviously, you can't root out all the elements of yourself that are damaged, but you can have a good go at recognising what they are and dealing with them, so they don't get passed on to your child.

You can't be a perfectionist parent - it's a long, long game. If I've learned anything in the 2.5 years of my son's life, it's that I need to let go of/deal with the past, and focus on the future, and the small ways in which I can be a power for good in my son's life. I have an appalling temper, and had a miserable childhood in many ways, and I'm an angry, intolerant person in lots of ways - but I'm working on not passing that on, and modelling the kind of calm, kind, firm, openly loving behaviour I would like to see my son grow up with.

Do you see what I mean? There comes a time when dwelling on past mistakes becomes a kind of self-indulgence you can't afford.

Hope you feeling better Writer....

I did recall your early posting regarding your Dh best man etc and hope you didn't mind me mentioning your old thread. I do remember you struggling with the thought of it at the time.

My Dp is literally horizontal and I probably share a few more of your traits if I'm honest. You still do sound slightly resentful of the choice he made regarding leaving next day. It's a day you describe in great detail.

I really hope you can talk with him and just put it to bed somehow....I read up thread that he has recently lost his Dm....so sorry.

I hope reading this you can see that it was rarely the 'perfect start' for many of us....

I was so overwhelmed by everything following my Elcs they went to pass me baby for 'skin on skin' and I declined....this actually went on my records as ...."skin on skin with Declined" or denied written next to it. I felt awful reading that . I was just a bit all over the place....

I hope you can just read you are not alone in your feelings.... however feeling so upset about it could indicate you need to speak to a someone in RL.

I still feel a little bit muddled today. Last night I went through all the photos we have from the hospital, from before the CS, my husband in scrubs, him holding a tiny baby, me holding DS for the first time, all the photos the Bounty lady took and all the photos we have of when our relatives came to see him. I loved looking at them and they bought back so many lovely memories that I had forgotten about. There's one photo of me and DS and I'm staring at him and looking so happy and blissfully in love with him that I thought "how can you think you didn't love him?" I'm going to get it printed out A4 size, frame it and put it up in the house and every time I doubt the way I felt about him when he was born I can look at it and remind myself that of course I loved him.

The more I have thought about things the more I wonder if maybe all my upset and anger is due to resentment towards my DH. My ELCS was on a Friday and it was the Saturday night and all of Sunday that things seemed so bad, and I mean me being an emotional wreck and where all my bad memories are focused. I often wonder if had my DH been with me on the Saturday would things have reached the point the did? Would things have spiralled so downwards if I hadn't have been on my own. If I'd had his emotional support and help with BF on the Saturday would my whole experience in hospital be completely different? Probably. In hindsight I really needed him with be on that day and he wasn't. Maybe I do blame him for things going so wrong because if he'd have been there he could have helped me. Instead I just felt helpless, alone and incapable.

Maybe I need to find a way to let the resentment go.

Coming to this late Writer but I really think you need to talk honestly to your DH about this.

I can’t imagine how I would have coped without my DH there. I had an EMCS and in the hospital where I had him they have a policy of Dads being able to stay on postnatal ward so my DH was with me the whole time, even through the night.

He only left briefly once to get a coffee/sarnie from hospital coffee shop (around lunchtime the day after DS arrived) and then again to pop home to shower and get food (that was 24 hours after DS arrived).

I remember being scared when he was leaving for home, even though I knew he would only be 2 hours at most (enough time to shower and get himself some fish and chips for dinner!).

What I’m trying to say is, I’m really not surprised that you found it difficult to cope without him in those early hours/days. I think I would have been the same.

He can’t change this at all, neither of you can, but I think you both need to chat it over and try to make peace with it somehow.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hi Writer,
You sound similar to me.

My DS (now 13mo) was born after a 3-day induction, synto drip labour, epidural and forceps. He was in difficulties at point of birth and he was whipped away from my by neonatal crash team to be "worked on". I didn't see him for 45 minutes, and didn't hear him cry for 10. I felt utterly out of control and something in my head snapped. We were both ill in the days that followed, both on IV antibiotics and fluids, and I was woken in the night to be told by paediatrician that he would need to be transferred to a specialist children's hosp due to potential complications (he didn't in the end).
We got home after 8 days. I felt utterly broken. 3 months later I had a meltdown, ended up on ADs and receiving counselling and some treatment for PTSD.
Now, I'm off the ADs, feel so happy and I'm completely in love with my beautiful DS. BUT I will never be able to entirely let go of everything that happened. All I can do is learn to live with it.
I think we all have expectations about birth and the first days of motherhood, and in reality for most people it doesn't go the way they thought/hoped. Just some are more honest than others about it!!
Please try to stop beating yourself up, and if you can't, talk to your GP. You'll get there with it, but be kind to yourself. Birth is terrifying, particularly for those of us who like "control" I think.
I am ok with it now and think it's made me a much stronger person. I think I finally started enjoying myself around the 6 month mark. I hope you get there too. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

Writer- I apologise in advance if this sounds harsh. I don't mean to be, but I think it's important to be honest.

I think you are being unfair on your husband. I remember your thread about the wedding. There were lots of unknowns about when the section could have been (you could quite easily have had a two or three week old baby, IIRC), it was massively important to your DH, you both agonised over it, and although you didn't want him to go, you both felt it was the best thing. You made the decision in good faith based on the information you had. Just because you wouldn't do the same thing if you had your time again doesn't change that.

I think to create an imaginary scenario where it would all have been very different if he hadn't gone to the wedding is unfair, and frankly not likely to have been true. You've said yourself that the feelings started in theatre (when he was there) and lots and lots of us have recounted similar feelings when we did have partners who barely left us (though remember there would have been big periods on your own anyway, including overnight and in most hospitals when he was booted out for a chunk of time in the morning or lunchtime for ward rounds etc).

Do you think it is possible that your need for logic and order is trying to find a cause, and rationalising that the cause was outside your control to protect yourself (you've said you find it very hard not to be strong)?

I think you need to accept that, like so, so many of us (me included) the birth of your first child is like being hit by a bus. You are overwhelmed, confused, in survival mode. Some women get the amazing soft focus lovey moment, but it's at least as common for the love to grow over time. And that IS FINE. It's normal. It's natural. It's not something you need to feel guilty about. Life is not an instagram feed. I have three kids. The only one where I have felt the 'whack in the heart sense of love' moment was my third, who I had felt weirdly detached from throughout the pregnancy. My most amazing moments with my kids have not been the moments of their birth or the first few days. It's things like when they smile at you, or reach our their arms to be picked up for the first time. When you watch them look with triumph as they run across the room, or climb the climbing frame, when last week they couldn't. When they come home so proud because they have been given their first school star. Try so hard to look forward- there are amazing things to come.

Things would have been different if he'd been there but like you said it's not his fault he went, it's mine for saying he could go.

No matter how I try and rationalise things or try and find reasons why I feel the way I do it always comes back to being something I did, not someone else. I just have to accept responsibility and live with it.

What makes you so sure internal feelings would have been different with his presence?

And you don't have to accept responsibility. Just stop beating yourself up in a futile attempt to have a 'perfect' life. If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

I recommend therapeutic full volume singing of Let it Go!. But seriously, it's not bad advice.