To still beat myself up about when DS was born?

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know what I'm after really - maybe just some reassurance that how I'm feeling is normal.

DS is 7m/o and sometimes I look back on the first few days of his life and I hate myself because I feel like I let him down.

I go over it a lot in my mind and it usually brings me to tears. I was thinking about it earlier when I was taking DS for a walk and I just welled up.

He came via ELCS and I didn't hold him when he was delivered. He was given straight to DH (put down his top) and I feel so disappointed in myself for not asking to hold him. I didn't hold him for 45 minutes until I got into recovery and even then I was very detached from it all, I just remember feeling hungry and asking for some toast.

I didn't feel that "rush of love" for him that most mothers talk of. I did feel happy though, I remember being wheeled back to the ward with DS in my arms and I remember feeling like my little baby was here safely. I have got a photo of myself holding DS as soon as we get back to the ward, I'm smiling and look genuinely happy so I must have felt it, but my actual memories surrounding the days around his birth just make me feel sad.

BF didn't go well at that start and I look back and wish I had tried harder for him. He lost a lot of weight and had jaundice and I feel like it's my fault.

I remember my first night on the ward and I was still pretty numb and DS was being sick in his crib (mucousy) and he couldn't roll and I couldn't get to him and I felt petrified for him. I shouted for help and another mother came and turned him on his side for me. In those few seconds of me feeling helpless I was so fearful he was going to choke and die so I know I felt love towards him and I was protective of him but I just can't shake the feeling that I didn't love him properly enough.

I'm never going to get those days back, they should have been the most amazing days of my life and I hate myself because I don't feel that way. Surely I should? It upsets me that the one chance I got to enjoy and embrace the arrival of DS (and love him with my whole heart) I wasted it, I feel like I let him down by not feeling like the days surrounding his arrival were the happiest days of my life. There were external factors which led to me feeling down for a few days after his birth, but surely his birth should have been enough to make any other bad stuff seem insignificant?

I am rambling.

How do I just let the guilt go?

Bonding doesn't always come easily or instantly, and from a number of women I have talked about, a CS can lead to feelings of detachment just after the operation.

It may be that the birth process releases an enormous number of hormones, many of which are very useful to bonding, and which may not get released as quickly/easily with heavy anaesthesia/without labour. Or it may not, I am no expert I hasten to add. Just going on some conversations I have had with women who experienced both CS and VB and what they were told.

Fortunately, being a mother is about very much more than the birth, and if you and your child come out of it without too much trauma and in good health, then you can quite happily proceed to forget all about the birth and get on with the rest of your life of parenting that child.

DS was a very carefully considered baby and choosing to TTC wasn't an easy decision or one without risk (long story) and so I just struggle to understand why I didn't feel more overjoyed and on top of the world when he arrived I could have written this.

You know some of what I went through around the time my ds was born and have told me not to feel guilty about it so I'm going to say the same to you. I have gaps in my memory from the 24 hours after he was born which I can only assume was the drugs and shock which if you had a cs will probably be worse for you. I have no pictures of me with ds for the first few weeks and I feel like I slept through the first 12 weeks as it seems like such a blur.

Please don't beat yourself up about what happened then - you had no control over it and I know it's hard but you really have nothing to feel guilty for. You are a really good mother and I think the fact that we feel this way shows how much we care but it doesn't help anyone.

Please be kind to yourself and I'm always here if you need to talk

Good memory Scoop - maybe I am resentful of him, I don't know. Maybe if he'd had been with me that day, supporting me through my feeding problems and just being there to hug me when I was upset then maybe my memories would be completely different. He came to see me before he went to the Wedding and he was in tears because he didn't want to leave me but we both know there wasn't a choice by that stage. The insane thing is that my DH 'went out for the day' on the Saturday yet I'm getting all worked up and telling myself that I was the one who let DS down. The whole thing just doesn't make any sense. Maybe I am angry that DH left us when I needed him and this is just misplaced guilt. I don't know, but it feels horrible.

I feel bad for even saying all this as there are many women who have posted who have far more rights to feel sadness than I do.

Battered and damaged by DD1 arrival - forceps delivery, still bowel incontinent 2 years later.

DS born 6 months ago - c section, went wrong, ended up under ga, awful recovery. My son also vomited in his bed in the middle of the night and I couldn't get to him, was convinced he was going to die and it would be my fault. I let the nurses take him out of the room and he disappeared for 6 hours and I had no clue where he was. Worse, although i was worried, I was strangely ok about it and figured I would worry about it properly if he didn't come back at all.

you can imagine how I feel about that now.

Yes, I know a lot of women have 'dream' experiences. But tbh, I know a lot more who didn't.

I'm still incredibly guilty about the fact DS has a terrible flat head. Caused by neck stiffness that I didn't notice when he was a teeny tiny newborn. Left far too often in his bouncer whilst I tried to deal with his 1 yr old crawling sister, whilst being in extreme agony from a botched c section.

You are not alone. I guess that is what I am saying

Don't be daft - you have every right to feel sad. Honestly you do. I too felt that my birth wasn't "traumatic" enough to leave me in the state that it did. But if I found it traumatic, then it was traumatic. The same applies to you.

I know I would have suffered terribly if my husband hadn't been there the day after the birth. I needed him badly.

Please consider the possibility that you have PND, and with a combination of meds, therapy and time you'll feel so much better.

OP, you had just had major surgery, possibly in shock, definitely sedated in some way and had just given birth/hormones all over etc.

Don't you dare beat yourself up for it. Your son did not miss out and does not remember!

Love him now and always, and all will be well. Xxxx

I try to focus on one little positive memory - I remember when ds was on the resuscitation table I could see his right foot and it was wriggling and pink. Although everything else was shit I really try to focus on that very small moment of happiness.

We left the hospital at about 8pm at night so it was dark and I didn't want him to be scared so I got in the back seat with him and held his hand all the way home. You adored him

Oh God OP, I felt exactly the same. It's not your fault. This really helped me: 10% of us would die in childbirth with out medical.intervention, it's an evolutionary pay off for us having big brains and walking up. You survived - you're not a failure you're a miracle!

I didn't have skin to skin, the first days of DS's life were certainly not a happy time, I found myself talking about him like he wasn't real. He's 4 now and the absolute love of my life, just thinking about him makes me smile. You will feel better but please go and see your GP.

My strongest memory of the first few weeks after DD was born was of thinking "I've made the worst mistake of my life. I don't want this." I just wanted my old life back.

Yep, me too (and it has made me cry remembering those feelings). I was whipped in 5 weeks before my due date, hours before my niece's 1st birthday party and I remember thinking very desperately that I wasn't ready, I wanted a few more weekends with my husband before chaos descended. For the first few month I did love my son but deeply, deeply regretted the loss of my child free life - and I felt such a bitch for thinking that. He'll be 28 next month and I cannot imagine a life without him and his brother.

I'm never going to get those days back, they should have been the most amazing days of my life and I hate myself because I don't feel that way. Surely I should?

Why for the love of God do you think they should have been amazing ? Giving birth in any way shape or form is rarely anything other than a bit horrible , like a huge peanuty poo that you know you have to push out but really don't want to.

Those first few days are generally a haze of bleeding , leaking , feeding , not much sleeping , pain , a general feeling of detachment from the real world. The only thing that make's up for all the shite is the gorgeous little baby , who OP is still there and still needs you for all the truly amazing days that will occur in the future.

Have only read your posts OP. You clearly love your son very much, and that's because you fell in love with him. It doesn't matter that you didn't get the rush of love that people talk about, your heart achieved the same thing.

I had the rush of love with one of my babies and not the other. I fell in love with the other over moments, like the one you had when you got in the back of the car to be closer to your baby, and it's just as special.

What happened to you is really common, and really, really normal. You have almost exactly described my experience with DD1 (except it was forceps after a three day labour). I was dazed. Numb. Couldn't reach her when she choked. I didn't feel a rush of love for her. I loved her, because she was mine. But I didn't get that rush.

Can I ask why should the first days of your child's life be the most amazing days of your life? Yes, the experience of becoming a parent is amazing, but generally the first few days/weeks (especially with your first/only child) are fucking tough. Why are you telling yourself that they should have been amazing and you are unusual/abnormal? Do you think it would be easier if you could accept that for a lot of people the most amazing days come later?

I think that it may just be that when your body goes through vaginal birth it usually causes hormones to be produced - that rush of hormones is all about creating the "bond" and it helps the milk along too. IMO the rush of love is v much hormone triggered and as we all have our own hormonal balances we all experience it differently - having and elcs means that you may not have had the same hormone rush - you should not feel guilty for that at all - you obviously loved your dc from the start as you acted instinctively. But you had been through major surgery and stuck in a ward when you are feeling physically and emotionally vulnerable and exhausted could also have not helped as well as preconceived ideas of what it will be like - it's a freaky, surreal experience the first time! To be bewildered afterwards is not unusual.

Ps where a birth has been traumatic for the mother the hormones released in trauma events can really screw with the nice post partum hormones. Hormones play such a large role in the whole pregnancy, birth and beyond I think they are really over looked compared to the role they play.

Pps that is my opinion only - sorry meant to say IMO rather than state it as a fact!

I had an ELCS which was my preferred birth plan. I consider it to be calm and text book with no complications or dramas.

Yet I still found it tough and certainly worse than the impression a lot of women seem to say about the experience. I was pretty much out of it, and really didn't know what was going on around me. I think beating yourself up about not having the presence of mind to ask to hold him is very harsh. I'm thinking back now, it was only 10 weeks ago, and I've just realised I can't remember the first time I held DS. It must have been in recovery as in theatre I was shaking so much, but I don't remember it as such. I know DH had him in theatre and I remember DH looking very bewildered. I remember DS screaming and my first thought being "oh fuck, its a baby, its alive." And thats about it.

Everything is very blurry. I just felt so out of it and wasn't fully aware of everything going on around me. Detached is very much the right word for it. It was like it happened to someone else. DS wasn't my priority. I know they were getting very pushy about how I was going to feed him, but my concern was that DH wasn't there and I was panicking about it. I don't remember much about going to the ward. I couldn't tell you if I was holding DS when we were wheeled there. Everything was just happening, and I was totally out of control of the situation.

I certainly didn't have a "rush of love". I felt relieved that I had read that was normal before I had DS as I didn't have a question over whether what I was feeling was right or wrong. It was more a "Oh hello then. Who are you again? Now what?" feeling. I actually feel glad in retrospect thats how I felt, as I think I may have panicked or felt very unsettled with a stronger response.

On night two, I was struggling so much with feeding and lack of sleep and DS screaming the nurses took DS to feed him and give me a break. It was utterly awful, and I felt dreadful and as if I had failed. I was desperately trying to feed DS and I was in pieces because I couldn't do it. It was only on the third time I broken down completely that I gave in and let them feed DS. It felt like I must not love him enough to give up. Both DH and the midwives were saying to me, that I was being too hard on myself.

Interestingly, DH who hadn't had the surgery, secretly was finding it incredibly emotionally and physically challenging too and admitted to me later that he would have given up sooner in my position though he was 100% supportive at the time. He's usually very resilient in both respects. It put things into perspective later on, as I wasn't rational about it at the time and just thought I was being weak and hadn't tried hard enough, when in actual fact it was definitely hormones and lack of sleep turning my brain to mush.

I couldn't sleep when they took DS and I wondered whether each screaming baby I could hear was him. I just lay there waiting for him to come back and it was utterly horrendous. When they brought him back they left him at the end of the bed and I couldn't see him. I didn't even know if it was him and I was worried if I would even recognise him. I couldn't get to him and I was petrified as to whether they had brought the right baby back. This made me feel even worse. I couldn't even wake DH to check for me. I felt helpless and useless. Just awful.

On the way home, I sat in the back with DS and held his hand all the way home too.

On the whole my memories are very blurry. I wouldn't describe it as a positive experience in the slightest, especially in the sense that it wasn't one I would like to relive or one I have amazing memories of. It was just one to get through. The two nights were hellish despite the really wonderful staff and the fact DH was allowed to stay with me in a private room. It really was a relief to leave, despite being in more pain that I was willing to admit and was afraid to in case they kept me in another night. I just wanted to get out of there and get on with life. At the time and in hindsight I am so very relieved I had DH there for the emotional support as I don't think I could have coped on my own and I think it would have been a very negative experience being alone overnight. Plus it has helped to put things into some sort of context from a more together perspective. It was such a physical and mental shock to the system.

I think I have three points to my post; firstly your experience sounds very normal and very understandable. Mine hasn't left me with feelings like yours but I had a lot more support. I can completely see why you might feel the way you do. My second point, is that trauma can be the result of an experience that is simply a shock to the system - it doesn't have to be an 'horrific birth experience' - it can equally be a calm "textbook" birth with no obvious reason for why it causes someone longer anxiety. It could well be trauma or PND. And finally, that it doesn't matter what anyone else's experience is really. Not everyone will react in the same way. I truly think that it could easily have been me in your position if things had been only slightly different. Don't under estimate how important those few external things are.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

anything less than delivering at home with no drugs, and immediate skin to skin and ability to establish breast feeding is a failure.

Creampie, I did give birth at home, without drugs, immediate skin-to-skin contact, and we were eventually able to get breastfeeding going. Still didn't experience the whole "rush of love" thing and didn't know that I was supposed to be blissfully happy for the first few days of his life. My son was a very sick little boy when he was born. When I looked at him for the first few days, what I felt was worry and protectiveness.
OP, your reaction was perfectly normal. You didn't do or feel anything "wrong" and there's nothing the matter with you. I don't imagine that most mothers spend the first few days after birth in a haze of blissful adoration, no matter what the Internet might have you think.

I can't thank you all enough - reading through all your replies, which I have done again this morning, makes me see that I'm not a bad mom for feeling the way I did. I can't believe how many women report feeling the same way and having similar stories and although I'm sorry you felt the same way it helps me realise that I'm not abnormal or a bad person.

I'm giving DS his breakfast now and his face is covered in digestive biscuit and yogurt and I feel like the luckiest person alive to have him, he's just perfect and amazing. As a previous poster said the 3 days I was in hospital when he was born are so insignificant to the number of days in the test of his life that I can feel complete love for him and show him that.

I feel so much more positive about it this morning so thank you to everyone who took the time to give me some advice and support

So glad you are feeling better.

glad you are feeling better today :) I'm looking forward to those moments when ds will have food all over his face.

I forgot to say in my post that the first time I saw my gp after having ds (2 weeks I think) she told me that the rush of love thing in her experience is very rare. I hadn't said anything to her at this point but she sees so many women that are worried they don't feel that so she wanted me to know it was normal.

OP - I had a similar set of circumstances to you - ds born by cs. held by dh not by me in theatre. mucousy first night and kept choking. and then bf didn't work out and he was the only baby in my NCT group to be formula fed....

It does weigh heavily on you to start with. you worry about what happened. that's natural.

but the further away from the event you get, the more you put it into perspective. A cs is a major operation - it's natural that you were wobbly and focusing more on toast than him to start with. with the first it's all very surreal- a baby that's yours! I'm not sure I felt a rush of love wither - I was intrigued by him and wanted to protect him - I think that's fine?

and after all of those things, you know the birth is just one day of their life. and formula vs breastmilk? by the time he's smearing digestive biscuit all over himself, who even cares?

just enjoy him now - this stage is one of the nicest IMO -he's happy and interacting and not answering back yet!!!

Having come out of the other side of a traumatic birth/recovery/bonding process, I have decided not to pretend it didn't happen and to be as honest and open about it as I can be (though perhaps not discuss it with DD). I think we owe this to other parents.

I had specialist post-natal counselling and the most useful responses from my counsellor were "I hear that from a lot of new mothers" and "that's a very reasonable reaction given your circumstances".

The sooner we recognise all varieties of early parenthood as occurring and valid, the easier it is for people to accept their feelings and move on.

Thanks hats, it feels like he's answering back when he screams at me for wiping the digestive biscuit off his face. I'm sure he's shouting, "Get off me mommy, I don't want my face washed!!"

The madness of it is that I did crack the breast feeding and EBF until he was 6 months. He's still BF now amongst all the weaning attempts. But despite that, the fact he had to have formula on 3 occasions in hospital is enough to make me feel guilty. I'm definitely not anti formula, that's not what I'm saying or why I'm saying this, but I just wanted to get across how completely irrational my guilt is.

The day after he was born I went to the lunch trolley and one of the students asked if I wanted her to take DS whilst I ate in peace as he was being fractious. I said yes and whilst I was eating my dinner I realised that I had no idea where the student had taken DS but I didn't feel worried. I saw her about 5 minutes later sitting at the nurses station with DS on her lap and felt nothing. He could have been any random baby for all the emotion I felt when I looked at him. I didn't miss him or feel that he should be with me and instead I just went back to eating my dinner and reading a magazine. I remember it so clearly and I just think, "what did he do to deserve such an unfeeling mom?"

I worry that when he's older he's going to ask about his birth and how I felt etc and I'm going to have to tell him that I felt nothing.

FWIW, I have asked my mother how she felt about my birth on several occasions as a youngster and she told me I looked like a wrinkled prune, she was very glad that I was out (forceps delivery after a long labour), and "they don't call it labour for nothing". No overwhelming feelings of blinding love, or at least none were mentioned. This did not in any way affect my feelings for my mother. :)

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, but I still think it might be worthwhile talking to someone professionally about how you can't stop thinking about the birth/your feelings in the first few days and, as you admit, your irrational guilt about them - really, those days are such a small part of your long term relationship to your child, though I know they currently seem very important to you.