To still beat myself up about when DS was born?

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know what I'm after really - maybe just some reassurance that how I'm feeling is normal.

DS is 7m/o and sometimes I look back on the first few days of his life and I hate myself because I feel like I let him down.

I go over it a lot in my mind and it usually brings me to tears. I was thinking about it earlier when I was taking DS for a walk and I just welled up.

He came via ELCS and I didn't hold him when he was delivered. He was given straight to DH (put down his top) and I feel so disappointed in myself for not asking to hold him. I didn't hold him for 45 minutes until I got into recovery and even then I was very detached from it all, I just remember feeling hungry and asking for some toast.

I didn't feel that "rush of love" for him that most mothers talk of. I did feel happy though, I remember being wheeled back to the ward with DS in my arms and I remember feeling like my little baby was here safely. I have got a photo of myself holding DS as soon as we get back to the ward, I'm smiling and look genuinely happy so I must have felt it, but my actual memories surrounding the days around his birth just make me feel sad.

BF didn't go well at that start and I look back and wish I had tried harder for him. He lost a lot of weight and had jaundice and I feel like it's my fault.

I remember my first night on the ward and I was still pretty numb and DS was being sick in his crib (mucousy) and he couldn't roll and I couldn't get to him and I felt petrified for him. I shouted for help and another mother came and turned him on his side for me. In those few seconds of me feeling helpless I was so fearful he was going to choke and die so I know I felt love towards him and I was protective of him but I just can't shake the feeling that I didn't love him properly enough.

I'm never going to get those days back, they should have been the most amazing days of my life and I hate myself because I don't feel that way. Surely I should? It upsets me that the one chance I got to enjoy and embrace the arrival of DS (and love him with my whole heart) I wasted it, I feel like I let him down by not feeling like the days surrounding his arrival were the happiest days of my life. There were external factors which led to me feeling down for a few days after his birth, but surely his birth should have been enough to make any other bad stuff seem insignificant?

I am rambling.

How do I just let the guilt go?

I think the whole positive birth experience is overrated to be honest.

Children don't remember it. I don't believe that it effects bonding, at least not from the child's side. I've seen different mothers who've had all sorts of births 'good' and 'bad' and they are all good mothers with well adjusted children that they love and who love them.

There seems to be lots of women like you, berating themselves over something about which they had no control. You didn't choose the way your labour went, it just happened to you.

I also think this whole 'rush of love' thing is a load of rubbish too. I didn't feel that because I already loved my baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant with him. His suddenly being in the room as apposed to in my tummy made no difference to that feeling.

I actually felt OK after labour, which was remarkable considering I had such a long one and unpleasant pregnancy to boot. I don't remember the first days of having my son at home being all that happy. They were not horrible, but they were not wonderful either.

I was very grateful to be a mum and to have a healthy boy, but I only really began to enjoy motherhood when he was about a year old. For me, each year since then has become easier. Of course I loved and adored him in that year, but I wasn't having 'fun'. I have absolutely no guilt over that, I think it's a fairly normal experience.

I hope you can make some peace with your feelings and be kind to yourself.

Totally normal- I was the same with emc dd :) shes 2 now and I love every little hair on her head. Give yourself a break :)

I never got the rush of love with my babies either - both were CS (EMCS and ELCS respectively) but I don't think that's anything to do with it. FWIW, I also felt awful that DS1 was held first by DH and, had I not insisted on giving him his first feed, would not have seen him for the first nine hours of his life, so I INSISTED that DS2 was put on me while I was stitched up, and didn't have him off skin to skin for the rest of the admission. I strangely feel better for having been able to 'make up' for my perceived failure with DS1 by 'doing it right' with DS2, so like you, I did dwell on it, and still do to some extent. However, yours seems rather more pervasive, so I would echo other posters in suggesting you have a chat to your GP as some PND may be amplifying those feelings.

What you are feeling is normal, normal, normal.

I too felt nothing when my DD was born. I was shell shocked and numb. Then I had to go to theatre to have a tear repair. I barely held her for HOURS. Breastfeeding was a total failure. I was a complete physical and emotional wreck for weeks.

But you know what? It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't your fault either. It's true you can't turn back the clock, but that time is such a tiny, insignificant portion of your son's life. He's only 7 months now, but in time you will realise that. I dwelled on things for a very long time, but for some reason her first birthday gave me closure.

I felt the same as you. Took me several months to feel' real love'. It's over 20 years ago now and we have had such wonderful times it's silly that I still feel a little bit guilty but I do. I've read that it is fairly common with caesarian births and that is obvious from the comments on here. Don't beat yourself up, you have so many fantastic times to come . Try hard to put this behind you and if necessary get some help.

OP you went through a major operation, were introduced to a tiny stranger who will now take up all your time and you're beating yourself up not doing it better. I totally understand how you feel.

It's took me months to admit to having PND and then more months of just feeling crap to get me to therapy - once I was pregnant with DD I knew it had to be dealt with. In not done with therapy I actually really enjoy it and some of the things I have learnt is, how you feel is normal. You are absolutely allowed to feel that way; but please find someone you can talk it through with to understand why you feel that way.

DS was a familiar mix of my brothers and I but DD was an absolute stranger. The "rush of love" I'm not sure any, if any, have that the day the baby is born bits very difficult, emotional and you are so tired (usually) it's more about survival at first and ring out your way in the dark.

Just one last thought, you're upset about how well you think you may or may not have looked after your DS. But who was looking after you? Don't forget to take care of you.

I didn't love my PFB until he was about 8 months old and I felt so guilty, just going through the motions of physical care. One day I looked down at his cheeky little face and just felt it.

He's a 6'4" teen now and we have a lovely relationship, make each other laugh, discuss politics, shout at the radio, I don't think our rocky start has hurt our relationship at all.
We invest those early months with huge significance when really, they are a tiny bit of childhood. Let your guilt go, you have so many years of joy and fun to come.

Thank you so much everyone. Just wanted to clarify though that I had an ELCS, not an EMCS.

I feel better now I know it can be normal. When I look back at the goings on when I was in hospital (for 3 days) it felt like it was happening to someone else. Maybe it was shock, like a previous poster said, it felt as though I was "going through the motions" of having a new baby but not really having a clue what I was doing. I certainly don't feel like I was 'with it' or had any control over what was happening, I just got swept along with it all.

The day after my CS (a Saturday) my DH couldn't be with me and I had a really hard day and an awful night (I hit my lowest point) and the Sunday morning at 6am I rang my husband in absolute tears, I was just beside myself. I just wanted and needed him with me. The ward were brilliant and let him on the ward before 7am, I think they could tell I was about to crack.

DS was a very carefully considered baby and choosing to TTC wasn't an easy decision or one without risk (long story) and so I just struggle to understand why I didn't feel more overjoyed and on top of the world when he arrived. I think a previous poster said it well when she said all the visitors look energised and are clearly over the moon about the new baby, all smiles and laughter and so you feel like you should be like that too. I felt so tired and sore that I could barely crack a smile.

I absolutely love DS to pieces, I can't even explain how much he means to me. He's just everything.

My best friend is a HV, maybe I will have a word with her about it.

I see so much of my own experience in your post op I didn't feel a rush of love either, I just wanted to sleep. We are fed this 'hollywood' idea of what it is like to hold your baby for the first time and for many women that just is not how it goes.

Sorry Op poated too soon! I was going to say that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

I had a EMCS, I didnt feel much at all in the hours after her birth, I certainly didnt feel that rush of love for her. I felt really diconnected from the situation, it wasnt until the next day, I really grasp my feelings on it, then I was just smittened with her.

If anything it was her godmother that felt the rush of love, when she came to the hospital in the evening.

Fellow feelings, Writer. My son is two now, and I've largely let go of the guilt, but I remember the first weeks of his life as nightmarish, and that still makes me sad. I couldn't breastfeed, and all the HVs kept saying was 'relax, it'll happen', only it never did, despite consulting an army of people from gps, midwives, HVs, lactation consultants etc etc. I thought I should have him adopted because I didn't love him and couldn't feed him, and I once got up, dressed and went out of the house at three am, and only came back because there was nowhere to go. I was terrified and felt isolated and a failure.

It wasn't my fault, and it's not even that unusual, but I wish, wish, wish, now that I adore him from the bottom of my heart, that my memories of his first few weeks in the world weren't so horrible.

But you're far from alone.

I didn't hold him for 45 minutes until I got into recovery and even then I was very detached from it all, I just remember feeling hungry and asking for some toast

I didn't feel that "rush of love" for him that most mothers talk of. I did feel happy though, I remember being wheeled back to the ward with DS in my arms and I remember feeling like my little baby was here safely

Love, YOU'D HAD SURGERY!!! Presumably after a tricky labour? Of course you weren't spinning cartwheels. But the bit about your baby being there safely - the is totally the main thing. Your body was protecting you - it was in crisis, but it let you acknowledge your baby was safe. Your body's focus was on you and repairing you so you could take care of your little boy. Don't go down dark corridors of your mind, because for one thing, you can't change anything. It's what you do on a day to day basis that counts, not whether you had a dream "babymoon" that your son won't even remember but you know that don't you? Have a chat to your friend, and take care of yourself.

Go easy on yourself.

I had a traumatic birth. It was like being in a car crash and then being sent home with a newborn to care for. I remember thinking that I'd have had better after care if I had been in a car crash.

I treasure the lovely photos we have of DD and DH from that day, but the ones of me look like someone drained me of most of my blood. Could you reframe those first minutes as something wonderful for your DH?

All that matters now is this - Do you love your baby? Will you do anything in the world to protect him? What you describe about the birth is a sadness that it didn't match the romantic vision of birth that you had. It has happened in the way it did, you can't change that but you have today and every other day after it.

Oh and meant to say that if you stop focusing on the 'bad' memories you might surprise yourself and remember some lovely moments you had with him in his first few days, I bet there were some, no matter how small...what were they?

I remember being so happy and so excited on the morning of my CS - I was bouncing off the walls because of how much I wanted to see my lovely DS in the flesh (we knew we were having a boy).

I remember leaving hospital with him 3 days later and he was wrapped up so snug in his blankets as we popped him in his car seat, he just looked so tiny. We left the hospital at about 8pm at night so it was dark and I didn't want him to be scared so I got in the back seat with him and held his hand all the way home. I know it sounds like something do little but I really felt like a mom when I was doing that.

Between the excitement on the ward before my CS and the journey home, every other memory just seems blurry and negative

My strongest memory of the first few weeks after DD was born was of thinking "I've made the worst mistake of my life. I don't want this." I just wanted my old life back.

I think that's a lot more common than people realise. There's this rose-coloured glasses image of how it's Supposed To Be and people feel like they've failed if it isn't. But it often isn't, any more than any other life experience is always the perfect movie version for everyone.

I'm not sure when I realised that actually being a mum was okay and I didn't want my old life back any more, but it was a while. Certainly months and possibly years.

So yes, how you are feeling is normal.

yabu obviously but yanbu to feel upset about it. FWIW I beat myself up about bf'ing with dd1/ giving up to easily. With dd2 I was determined and stuck to it, she lost so much weight she ended up back in hospital . I still kept going and in the end accepted it wasn't going to work due to my awful supply. Bizarrely it helped me no end to realise that with dd1 my mummy instinct was probably absolutely right. I'd let mn convince me too much otherwise .

You feel how you feel though and I think it's unhelpful when people dismiss what you're saying. Have you had counselling?

Thank you for bringing this up op.

I still feel guilty that I didn't fall in love with my ds1 straight away. Traumatic birth with forceps. Love came gradually. With ds2 it came straight away as it did with my later dds.

I think I had to learn to fall in love with my child.

He's a strapping 24 now and I would die/kill for his safety in a heart beat.

Be kind to yourself. Guilt cones with the placenta. That's the deal.

Hi writer, I too remember a lot of your posts without searching your history. You do seem to beat yourself up an awful lot.

I had a similar experience to you from the sound of things - ELCs, didn't do skin to skin straight away despite originally having a plan of the most "earth mama" birth imaginable. I remember the toast more than I remember my baby in the first few hours! We had a rocky start to breastfeeding too and slow weight gain.

I don't feel at all guilty about any of it though... I think you should talk to someone about your feelings and concerns, even if it's your hv friend to see what her opinion is.
All the best

Hi Wannabe - I really feel for you and I can understand what you're going through. Our circumstances aren't exactly the same but I have been having a horrendous time since my DS was born 9 months ago - PND/postnatal insomnia/general anxiety - and the icing on the cake - PTSD. I have a long history of depression and anxiety so I was prepared for the possibility of them rearing their ugly heads after my son's traumatic birth, but I didn't see the PTSD for what it was at first, and it was a massive step forward when I got the diagnosis. If you find yourself re-living your experiences vividly and feel 'stuck' in them this is a sign of PTSD - have a look at www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk and see if any of it rings true. Talk to your GP and ask for a referral to your Primary Care Mental Health team if necessary. You will get better, and there are people who are trained to help you. Best wishes xxxx

Writer I may be wrong but was it you that had the Dh who had best man duties day after birth? I may be wrong....

Are you a little resentful of him regarding all your feelings....

I'm probably barking up the wrong tree and thinking of another thread....

I do remember your reservations about having pil rocking up after birth etc....

Maybe have a chat with your friend the hv....you are obviously a super mum and its sad you are having these thoughts....

you are not alone...I really hope you have someone supporting you and helping you out. PND is frightening and it sounds like you are having a few symptoms, so it may well be good to have a chat to your GP about these feelings.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, btw, birth is exhausting and not every woman experiences the "rush of love" holding their babies straight away...I do tend to find in the media/common culture there's this ideology that women hold and fall in love with their babies -ZAP!- like that, when really most of them are knackered!

I felt like this with ds - he's now 5. He was emergency c-section after an horrific pregnancy and we now can't have anymore children.
To be honest I should have probably sought help because I still feel like it now to some extent. It entirely completely ruined the first three years which I will never get back and which I will never get the chance to experience again. I have no bond with ds even now.

So I think how you're feeling can be normal but seek some support if it doesn't lift xxx