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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry at DH - selfish twunt

120 replies

andsmile · 07/11/2014 09:58

Background DH has had a cold for nearly two weeks - it got on everyones nerves, the loud comical sneezing, the moaning, and now the coughing. Its been like living with Father Jack - spoilt our bonfire party night a little as he was miserable - over worst of cold by this point.

Poor DS this am was up at 630 - he was sick in toilet. DH was already dressed for gym - said he was going to try and do a little as he's not been so much. DS (8) sitting with the sick bowl - obviously not going to school today.

I started to get DD ready - bathed and dressed by 730. Just about to take her when DS (who I was going to bung in the car with sick bowl) really barfed up everywhere more than previously. I saw to him, keeping curious DD (2.8 and bossy) back.

At this point I snapped and thought I cant believe he (DH) has walked out and left me to deal with this. I was also annoyed at myself for not saying anything (but I really shouldn't have to?)

I rung my DM to ask what she though about leaving DS (8) on his own while I nipped DD round to nursery - no answer. I could not ask anyone to watch DS - neighbours or family (non nearby) or take DD. ONLY DH could have helped. I trust DS to stay put sensibly but I didnt want to leave him on his own when ill and afterall he is still very young (not left him ever anywhere before). I also feared someone reporting me. I knew a neighbour had reported someone about a child car seat...Anyway I thought about it and decided it was wrong. So we had no choice but all to go with towels and the sick bowl.

So I've told DH I he was the only one who could have helped and he was selfish to put his 'wanting' to go to the gym above this family situation. I am a SAHP - I do fucking everything (he just turns up to the 'family' - yes he works hard blah earns good money) he go's to the gym every morning before work. I get to go other times and I study - but I don't go when I am needed.

Sometimes you just need a bit of help, a bit of help after looking after everyone elses sicknesses and half term entertainment - a bit of fucking help Sad and Angry

DH could either have helped by taking DD at 730 to nursery or waiting in with DS while I did it. The nursery is less than a mile away takes 10 mins all in.

AIBU to angry with him for just leaving me to it, it was only a small bit of help I needed.

Would IBU to get as much as I can out of him this weekend as there are loads of jobs doing that I need help with. He is a reluctant house maintainer/DIY - don't get me started about the fucking lightbulbs.

There I've said it all. (feel much better now)
TIA

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 07/11/2014 10:04

Yanbu, he is absolutely selfish. He went to the gym instead Shock. You have very big issues with this 'man'. What a useless partner.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2014 10:05

Yanbu poor you Flowers. Yes sometimes some just don't realise and need it spelt out to them, or need to be asked. Yes make your wishing known to him, get him to muck in at the weekend.

redexpat · 07/11/2014 10:09

Yanbu. But for future reference theres no legal minimum age where children can be left alone. Its entirely down to the parents' judgement. But totally get why you didnt want to leave him this morning.

ZenNudist · 07/11/2014 10:15

Yanbu, that's so selfish. Is he usually a good dad? Was he apologetic? Most men I know step up when a child is sick because they care about their dc, not just their wives .

It's not like he could have misjudged the situation if your ds had thrown up before he left for the gym.

In the future you need to say what's on your mind. Not let him do his own thing and seethe later!

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:15

thanks - We both on sofa watching Hercules. I'll be writing a list out for DH!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/11/2014 10:20

Did he leave after or before your DS barfed up much more than previously?

Why didn't you tell him you needed him to stay home or go to the gym later?

Why didn't you ring him instead of your Mum?

BiancaDelRio · 07/11/2014 10:21

YANBU he is a selfish arsehole who prioritises his stuff over you and the kids safe in the knowledge that you'll pick up the slack.

I'm Angry on your behalf.

Just to put it in context against a good DP/H:

I had a rough night with baby DS last night. DP got DD up, fed and ready for school. He then realised the milk was off so popped to the shop so that I wouldn't have to (I'm a tea addict).

He made me a brew and took DD to school so that DS and I didn't have to go out in the cold and rain. And then he went to work.

That's what a partner should be. Someone who cares enough about you to happily share the load.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:23

Yes he is Zen. We are 50/50 for everything at weekends. If he is here for bedtime he does the story. He does work very long hours but when he is here, he is here no mad hobbies or work at home.

When he has his 'work head' on I need to be more forceful. Another example - I was once at walk-in clinic with DD (2) who had a high temperature that wasn't responding to meds - they said I had to wait and see if a second dose did and they rang paed at hospital about admitting her if it didnt work. I rung DH at work tosay he needed to pick DS up his reply - I can't I'.....So I had to say NO you are not LISTENING - I HAVE to stay here possibly go to hospital with DD. YOU MUST pick him up...like I say he had his work head on and doesn't always immediately grasp what has to be done.

You know those moments when it is just you and feel time and space close in on you.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 07/11/2014 10:24

Wow - he won't even change lightbulbs? He sounds very, very lazy and selfish.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:26

worra he left after barfed in loo but before he barfed up loads in bowl downstairs.

I did ring him - no answer - to be fair he would have been on gym floor by then, don't always get a phone signal in there either.

I should have told him I need him to wait while I took DD to nursery. DS asked wy daddy didnt care Sad I said he does but there is a difference between caring and helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:28

champion I wouldnt say he is lazy but we are in a stand off about lightbulbs - we have them in key places so don't ring SS just yet.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 10:29

How can you have a standoff about light bulbs?

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2014 10:30

Then I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he left afterwards so probably didn't realise how sick your DS was.

Yes, you should have told him if you needed him to stay.

But then again, even you might not have realised at that point how sick he was.

Regarding the reluctance to maintain the house, can you not do that together? I'm a SAHM and I try to get as much done as I can midweek, so we can have more family time at the weekends - where we share everything 50/50.

Obviously there are some jobs I cant tackle alone, so we give them a go together when we can.

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2014 10:30

Why can't you change the lightbulbs? Confused

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:34

Ok - the lights that came with the house have all different types and sizes of fittings. Some require a lot of unscrewing using a screwdriver to access bulbs or unscrewing fiddley glass covers in chandalier type things. So all these bulbs cost a lot of money to buy the packs then are a pain to fit. I dont think I should have to do this or it shoud be shared. So yes until he agrees a day and time to do them I am not. There are a lot of other things I am not doing either.

OP posts:
InfinitySeven · 07/11/2014 10:35

You've been a bit unfair! He left before the big sickness, and you didn't ask him to stay. He probably thought you had it all under control. From what you've said, you know that he won't just stay, and that you need to assertively tell him what to do - you've been a bit of a martyr not doing that! When you actually need help is not the time to be testing to see if he offers.

LineRunner · 07/11/2014 10:35

Do you think he assumed that your DD wouldn't be going to nursery?

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2014 10:39

Why don't you think you should change the light bulbs, or share the task? I'm still not getting it?

Unless you have 'man work' and 'woman work' in the home?

If so, perhaps he thought dealing with the kids was 'woman work'?

Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 10:45

My h and I have kinda naturally taken jobs on, (him bins, me bathroom etc). But not to the extend of minor household tasks like lightbulb changing. Why do you think you shouldn't do it?

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:48

size of sickness a factor! Grin

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 07/11/2014 10:52

It kinda sounds like it all kicked off after he left, not before. And then he hadn't his phone on him.

Its understandable you feel pissed off as once again you're the one cleaning up sick, but I don't know if he neccessarily fucked up this morning, tbh.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:53

No women/man work

I can change lightbulbs but some of them are hard. I'll admit it is a fiddley job I'd rather not do. But like pp has said it has usually been his job. Purely because he can change them easier as he is taller and can reach.

At the minute I estimate 27 bulbs need to be replaced - there is not one light fitting that just uses one bulb (actually out door wall light does but thats it). Most use several. On a lighter note all the lamps work!

OP posts:
Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:53

He left and he knew I would have to put DS in car with sick bowl.

OP posts:
Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 10:54

he has apologised btw

OP posts:
fascicle · 07/11/2014 10:58

I think you're being unreasonable. Sounds like you got cross with your dh after he'd left and after your son got worse. It doesn't seem like you asked your dh for help at the time, and he may well have thought you'd got everything under control at the point he left. If your dh contributes equally at weekends, he can't be that unreasonable and selfish.

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