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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry at DH - selfish twunt

120 replies

andsmile · 07/11/2014 09:58

Background DH has had a cold for nearly two weeks - it got on everyones nerves, the loud comical sneezing, the moaning, and now the coughing. Its been like living with Father Jack - spoilt our bonfire party night a little as he was miserable - over worst of cold by this point.

Poor DS this am was up at 630 - he was sick in toilet. DH was already dressed for gym - said he was going to try and do a little as he's not been so much. DS (8) sitting with the sick bowl - obviously not going to school today.

I started to get DD ready - bathed and dressed by 730. Just about to take her when DS (who I was going to bung in the car with sick bowl) really barfed up everywhere more than previously. I saw to him, keeping curious DD (2.8 and bossy) back.

At this point I snapped and thought I cant believe he (DH) has walked out and left me to deal with this. I was also annoyed at myself for not saying anything (but I really shouldn't have to?)

I rung my DM to ask what she though about leaving DS (8) on his own while I nipped DD round to nursery - no answer. I could not ask anyone to watch DS - neighbours or family (non nearby) or take DD. ONLY DH could have helped. I trust DS to stay put sensibly but I didnt want to leave him on his own when ill and afterall he is still very young (not left him ever anywhere before). I also feared someone reporting me. I knew a neighbour had reported someone about a child car seat...Anyway I thought about it and decided it was wrong. So we had no choice but all to go with towels and the sick bowl.

So I've told DH I he was the only one who could have helped and he was selfish to put his 'wanting' to go to the gym above this family situation. I am a SAHP - I do fucking everything (he just turns up to the 'family' - yes he works hard blah earns good money) he go's to the gym every morning before work. I get to go other times and I study - but I don't go when I am needed.

Sometimes you just need a bit of help, a bit of help after looking after everyone elses sicknesses and half term entertainment - a bit of fucking help Sad and Angry

DH could either have helped by taking DD at 730 to nursery or waiting in with DS while I did it. The nursery is less than a mile away takes 10 mins all in.

AIBU to angry with him for just leaving me to it, it was only a small bit of help I needed.

Would IBU to get as much as I can out of him this weekend as there are loads of jobs doing that I need help with. He is a reluctant house maintainer/DIY - don't get me started about the fucking lightbulbs.

There I've said it all. (feel much better now)
TIA

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/11/2014 11:01

27 bulbs need changing?

FFS just change them, or you have no right to moan when he doesn't.

bitembarrassed3 · 07/11/2014 11:02

well yes he should have stayed to help but all i can think when reading this is at least you had the option of asking him. as a single parent i would have had no choice but to take sick child. also the lightbulbs the ex always used to do it but now he has left i have to. you are lucky that eventually when he realises hopefully he may be more helpful.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 11:04

Nah it's his job - I keep the lamps burning....

OP posts:
LizzieMint · 07/11/2014 11:06

It seems like things are more resolved now, but I do sympathise with your need to vent. I'm a SAHM with three kids and my h works away a lot and when he's not working away, he's almost always leaves early so no help in the mornings. When we're all ok, it works ok but as soon as there's sickness, it's a nightmare. Whoever is ill has to be dragged out with the rest of them, there's just no other choice. A tiny bit of help would make life so much easier.

BrendaBlackhead · 07/11/2014 11:07

I think yabu

Why on earth bother taking your dd to nursery school when it was such a hassly morning?

Why ring your mum to ask her and even seem annoyed when she didn't answer?

And "he is a reluctant house maintainer/DIY - don't get me started about the fucking lightbulbs" - I'm afraid you live in 2014 not 1953. Most modern men are not our dads. And you are at home and you say your dh works long hours. Get on a step ladder and change the lightbulbs yourself!

Chopstheduck · 07/11/2014 11:10

I think yabu, sorry.

It doesn't take two people to look after a couple of kids, and he left before your ds was sick again. I think you did do the right thing taking him, as I wouldn't have left him when he might have vomited again. Honestly though, you had the car, you only had to sit him in there with a bowl, I do think you are overacting a little.

The lightbulbs thing sounds a bit petty and childish too.

I'm a sahp too, and I do 'everything' too - so that we can both enjoy the evenings and weekends without worrying about essential chores, whether that be together or doing our own things.

Mintyy · 07/11/2014 11:12

Poor you, you've had a rotten morning Brew. Hope ds is feeling a bit brighter and don't forget to keep washing everyone's hands (once an hour at least!) and yes, your dh was selfish.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 11:13

"Why on earth bother taking your dd to nursery school when it was such a hassly morning?"

Are you fucking kidding me? Have you seen my DD? Christ on a bike..there was no way she was staying home to 'help' me look after DS (who is still barfing, cant keep water down - this is his usual MO) Bd enough having to keep her back with the little voice going yew dizgustinnnnnnnnnn x forever.

Crazy ideas

OP posts:
BrendaBlackhead · 07/11/2014 11:15

You sound a bit manic. Go and have a swig of gin (at 11.15am).

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 11:18

No calm now thanks to MN but yes manic at the idea of DD being here - she 'had my life' yesterday thanks.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/11/2014 11:19

So your son was sick, your daughter needed to get to nursery & he just left.

Unbelievable!

Not sure that it matters that the poor kid had at that point only thrown up once in the toilet, it's obvious that he wouldn't be going to school!

Will he at least be collecting your daughter?

Did you leave your son alone?

youareallbonkers · 07/11/2014 11:20

IMO sahp is responsible for the kids, housework, etc. You have both kids at school/nursery, what else are you doing all day? He has his job, you have yours. No one is forcing you to stay at home, you could go back to work and let him stay at home for a bit.

Did you actually ask him to take the kid or are you just annoyed he didn't think of it himself? If the latter, have you never dealt with men before? Surely everyone knows they can't think for themselves? Grin

coraltoes · 07/11/2014 11:22

He is a lazy shirking twat.
My DH has lightbulb duty here, because HE picked the fucking lights that are hard to change, and he is also a foot taller than me so easier to reach. I have many other jobs. We have 2 that need changing at the mo. Not 27!!
He would never have ditched me in your situation. Yours is a shite.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 11:27

He has said he will finish early, but given his job I never relie on him to do so as he can often get held up. If he can he will collect her.

No I took him in the car with the bowl and three towels. He survived.

I think I got annoyed as it only needed him to wait 10 minutes. It want a big lot of help. Yes I should have asked directly.

youare you seem to know a lot about my set up - DD x3days i study final year of degree during this time. I am happily responsible for all the day to day stuff but in that instance a small amount of help for 10 mins would have kept things more comfortable for DS not nesscerily easier for me. But yeah your second comment....

OP posts:
Itsfab · 07/11/2014 11:37

I think he is doing dinner and bath time tonight.

alpacasosoft · 07/11/2014 11:39

If your son has noro then your DD is highly likely to go down with it as well.
I would have kept DD off-no way would I drag a vomiting child out in the car-presumably you will take him out again later.
Tv on,duvet and chill.Brew

alpacasosoft · 07/11/2014 11:42

That was in response to your 11.13 post i do agree your DH should have done his bit!

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 11:50

no children were dragged in the unfolding of this family lamadrama

I dont think he has noro alpaca. He has quite a sensitive tummy, can spend long trips to loo twice a day -i have had him to GP and he has had blood tests - came back clear. I suspect he does not tolerate fish very well - maybe just conicidence but he has been sick a couple of times before after fish. DS just ate some toast so I'll see if he holds this down.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 07/11/2014 11:58

Ah, ok, so 2.8 year old DD = not a whole lot of studying going on?

Is your DH aware of this?

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 12:03

yes he knows how much time I have to study and i talk to him about how Im getting on.

OP posts:
Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 07/11/2014 12:21

Ooooh, I can see Mumsnetters tying themselves in knots between needing to believe that any man who doesn't help out every single second he is across the threshold of the house (despite having a full time job and a wife who is at home on her own for a significant part of the week) is a lazy shirker, and needing to believe that there should be no such thing as 'blue' and 'pink' jobs and that a woman can do all jobs (including changing a lightbulb) by herself!

LineRunner · 07/11/2014 12:26

Can you? Good for you.

Not really helping the OP much though, it is, with her Finals?

Tiptops · 07/11/2014 12:35

YANBU. He should have offered to stay at home with your DS while you took DD, or vice versa.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/11/2014 12:36

I think he should have taken dd to nursery. Or looked after DS while you did the nursery run. DS was obviously going to be off school (having vomited) and DD had no need to be off (having not vomited).

The fact that you "should have" been able to manage is besides the point.

Also, i have no particular comment on the "lightbulb" debacle as we all have ways of dividing up household tasks one way or the other.

But a thoughtful person who was off to the gym while their DS was throwing up and DD due to be at nursery would have/ should have seen a tricky situation and offered to help.

scallopsrgreat · 07/11/2014 12:37

OP YANBU. He shouldn't need telling when one of his children is sick. It seems to be an example that he's not engaged with the family. And has an expectation that you do everything. You shouldn't need to go on strike about the light bulbs. As he seems to be doing fuck all in the way of childcare and housework changing the light bulbs is the least he can do. Stand firm I say.