to be angry at DH - selfish twunt

[andsmile]

Background DH has had a cold for nearly two weeks - it got on everyones nerves, the loud comical sneezing, the moaning, and now the coughing. Its been like living with Father Jack - spoilt our bonfire party night a little as he was miserable - over worst of cold by this point.

Poor DS this am was up at 630 - he was sick in toilet. DH was already dressed for gym - said he was going to try and do a little as he's not been so much. DS (8) sitting with the sick bowl - obviously not going to school today.

I started to get DD ready - bathed and dressed by 730. Just about to take her when DS (who I was going to bung in the car with sick bowl) really barfed up everywhere more than previously. I saw to him, keeping curious DD (2.8 and bossy) back.

At this point I snapped and thought I cant believe he (DH) has walked out and left me to deal with this. I was also annoyed at myself for not saying anything (but I really shouldn't have to?)

I rung my DM to ask what she though about leaving DS (8) on his own while I nipped DD round to nursery - no answer. I could not ask anyone to watch DS - neighbours or family (non nearby) or take DD. ONLY DH could have helped. I trust DS to stay put sensibly but I didnt want to leave him on his own when ill and afterall he is still very young (not left him ever anywhere before). I also feared someone reporting me. I knew a neighbour had reported someone about a child car seat...Anyway I thought about it and decided it was wrong. So we had no choice but all to go with towels and the sick bowl.

So I've told DH I he was the only one who could have helped and he was selfish to put his 'wanting' to go to the gym above this family situation. I am a SAHP - I do fucking everything (he just turns up to the 'family' - yes he works hard blah earns good money) he go's to the gym every morning before work. I get to go other times and I study - but I don't go when I am needed.

Sometimes you just need a bit of help, a bit of help after looking after everyone elses sicknesses and half term entertainment - a bit of fucking help and

DH could either have helped by taking DD at 730 to nursery or waiting in with DS while I did it. The nursery is less than a mile away takes 10 mins all in.

AIBU to angry with him for just leaving me to it, it was only a small bit of help I needed.

Would IBU to get as much as I can out of him this weekend as there are loads of jobs doing that I need help with. He is a reluctant house maintainer/DIY - don't get me started about the fucking lightbulbs.

There I've said it all. (feel much better now)
TIA

No a SAHP is not responsible for the children and housework all the time. The other parent has responsibilities when they are at home too. They don't get to have a responsibility free time whilst the other partner is effectively working all waking hours.

To be fair ( don't know why I just thought I would) I would hVe had to actually say to my DH " don't go to the gym I need you here" and he would have happily done that. He is a great husband and father but sometimes I have to point things out to him that are bloody obvious to me.
For example when DD was a baby I have D&V and I saw he was off to work. I asked him who was looking after the baby and he kind of looked baffled and then had a lightbulb moment and got out of his suit.
Some people might say you shouldn't HAVE to ask and in an ideal world you wouldn't but I know I do have to and I have no issue with doing so.

It sounds like your problem with him is less that he never pulls his finger out than with his lack of empathy - particularly given that he's just getting over The Worst Cold In The World Ever. It's frustrating that you didn't get any practical help because you hadn't specifically asked for it. When Ds2 barfed all over his bed, a couple of weeks ago, one of us cleaned up DS2, one of us dealt with the bed, no requests needed to be made of each other and no score was kept. More importantly, no one had anything more important to do, at that particular moment, even if it did mean that DH had to work a few minutes later to make up for the start of the day.

Even though the light bulb stand off sounds petty, I understand about the difficulty of changing some in awkward places. DH is only 5" taller than me, but his reach is over a foot longer than mine. He'll just put things down on a surface. The only thing is, it's a high surface and if I want that thing, I either need to wait until he gets home from work or drag a chair from one room to another to reach it. If one of our regular power surges or brown outs trips the consumer unit, he can stand on the floor to fix it. I have to drag a chair up the stairs - then stand on that chair right at the top of the stairs and hope I don't have one of my light headed spells when I'm standing on it. He'll put something down behind a piece of furniture. I have to move the furniture to reach it. He can just reach over and get it again (reach further shortened by me having the bigger boobs, in this case). Some things are just a heck of a lot easier for someone who is that bit taller, bigger or stronger to do.

So, DH does most of the light bulbs (because, even if I can reach the fitting easily, I haven't a bloody clue where he's hidden the right bulbs, if he has any spare at all) and, likewise, I do most of the painting because I'm a lot better at it. It's not man and woman work. It's just each of us taking on the job we do better or more easily than the other.

YABU.

Your DH works. He is Important. He does Important Things. Therefore, when he is sick it is only right that the whole family suffers in acknowledgement of the fact that his Importance is threatened by Dread Cold, Enemy of all Important Things. Of course, because he is the one going to the gym, that is also an Important Thing, far more Important that you or those little annoying craft projects you insist on lazing about with all week (otherwise known as children). Why would something going wrong with your little craft project stand in the way of his Important Thing? Silly woman, just get on with it, it is far far more Important that he sweats in a gym than you get help with your silly little endeavours.

Oh and those other posters are right - your DD should have stayed home. I mean, it's not like vomiting bugs are contagious and of course it's very simple for a woman (but not for a man, he's too Important) to clear up sick while a toddler is providing and running commentary and is trying to "help." And I'm sure you're only studying woman things, like being silly. So your study time is irrelevant here, it is just Not Important.

Know your place (which is up a ladder changing all the lightbulbs - this job is just Not Important Enough for your Important owner DH.)

Of course the sahp has the responsibility all the time. That is the job, if you want a 9-5 dont be a mother. What do single parents do?

Sort of off topic, but you really need to think up plans B and C for childcare. For instance, re the incident when you needed DS picked up because you had to stay at the clinic with DD - what would you have done if you couldn't get hold of DH, or if he couldn't possibly help because he was too far away?

I agree bonkers. If you're a mother, you're on duty 24/7/365, if you're a father you're on duty only when it doesn't interfere with your Importance.

Ii just don't get it. If I went to work and dh was a SAHP I would be less than impressed if he presented me with a list of jobs to do when I got home, especially lightbulbs! And it does not take two people to look after an ill child... or two. And toddlers - well, they do move and speak, and so what if she comments on ds being sick? Little sisters are supposed to be pests. You can't expect someone to take a day off work to help with ill children when there is someone at home - ridiculous! If the SAHP was ill, that is different, and dh has a few times had to step in if I have been indisposed. It is hell looking after dcs if you have a temperature of 103 or have your head stuck down the loo - but if you're ok it's trying, of course, but absolutely do-able alone.

OP is studying in her final year.

I also think he thought you had the situation under control and DS was not that bad. TBH you're lucky you had the option of him staying with one DC - most working parents would have been out at work by then. In your situation I would call on a friend to take DD to nursery rather than expect my DH to hang about - sorry.

Brenda have you read the OP? Where did she say she wanted him to stay at home all day? He was on his way to the gym, not work, he didn't actually have to go. The OP was hoping he'd either bring DD to nursery or stay at home with DS while she brought DD to nursery, which I think is a very reasonable expectation. The DH would then be free to go to work (or to the gym, if there was time).

If he hadn't gone to the gym, would he have usually already have left for work when you were due to take dd to nursery?

Right, I get that. But the OP sounds a little... needy. Phoning her mum, for example to ask if she should leave ds, the household jobs, and her ds is eight, not a tiny child. An ill 8-year-old is a lot easier to look after than an ill toddler who has not yet equated feeling sick with running for the loo or aiming into a bowl.

So you are a student,not a SAHP?

drip feeding that you are a final year degree student, not solely a SAHP, so not avail 24/7 to the children does change the picture, tbh. If you were a FT SAHP then it would be fine to expect you to deal with the illness, that's part of being a SAHP, isn't it? One of the 'cons', if you like. As a student with work and deadlines of your own, it was unreasonable of DH to swan off thinking that his work was more important.

Is the problem that you are a stay at home parent? If you earned many multiples of what your husband earns you would not be treated like this. As ever this all comes back to money power and feminism for women.

Hang on. All this is over a 10 minute nursery drop?

It's not a question of money, it's a question of who is there. If dh is working from home, then he will do any number of ferrying arounds and this and that. If he is sitting at his desk 60 miles away, it doesn't matter if he's earning £1m or 20p, he is not physically able to be in two places at once.

andsmile. For you.

My DH is exactly like yours. How lucky are we!!!

No advice as such just solidarity!
And later

Mine doesn't think about anything in or around the house or DC at all.

I swear if I was kidnapped by aliens, he would only notice after he ran out of food in fridge, clean clothes and social services took the DC away (so within 48hrs ).

When DC are sick he makes sure that he gets up extra early for work and leaves by 6am and doesn't reappear until 8pm expecting food (after dropping dirty laundry all over the bedroom floor ).

I also sort everything re house inc DIY and refurbishment etc (yes I do have a construction related degree but that's not the point because so does he!).

All cleaning shopping laundry wiping DCs arses all done by me.

It usually all comes to head when I'm sick. Because he is too busy to help as well then.
Just really and for you.

Bloody hell, MrsFlorrick

Brenda, again have you read the OP? The DH was there, he saw his DS throw up then he merrily went off to the gym. He didn't even consider that he might get involved with dealing with his own sick child, he just stuck to his own plans and ignored what was going on. That is very selfish behaviour in my book.

Incidentally, I'm working from home today, while DH was due to go to work. Even though I normally drop the kids, he was aware I had a lot of work to do and so offered to drop them to school/CM. That's what partners do - they take notice of what is going on and they step up when needed.

I'll have to be the first one to say it, then: LTB!!

to see your husband is still a dickhead then, MrsF.

How are YOU doing? Far more important a person.

LOL

Only on MN is calling your mum for a bit of advice described as needy.

OP I hope DS is feeling better, and I'm glad DH has apologised.

Oh and in our house I am a SAHM but DH does probably 70% of the cleaning as well as work full time, and he is in charge of lightbulbs. :o