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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry at DH - selfish twunt

120 replies

andsmile · 07/11/2014 09:58

Background DH has had a cold for nearly two weeks - it got on everyones nerves, the loud comical sneezing, the moaning, and now the coughing. Its been like living with Father Jack - spoilt our bonfire party night a little as he was miserable - over worst of cold by this point.

Poor DS this am was up at 630 - he was sick in toilet. DH was already dressed for gym - said he was going to try and do a little as he's not been so much. DS (8) sitting with the sick bowl - obviously not going to school today.

I started to get DD ready - bathed and dressed by 730. Just about to take her when DS (who I was going to bung in the car with sick bowl) really barfed up everywhere more than previously. I saw to him, keeping curious DD (2.8 and bossy) back.

At this point I snapped and thought I cant believe he (DH) has walked out and left me to deal with this. I was also annoyed at myself for not saying anything (but I really shouldn't have to?)

I rung my DM to ask what she though about leaving DS (8) on his own while I nipped DD round to nursery - no answer. I could not ask anyone to watch DS - neighbours or family (non nearby) or take DD. ONLY DH could have helped. I trust DS to stay put sensibly but I didnt want to leave him on his own when ill and afterall he is still very young (not left him ever anywhere before). I also feared someone reporting me. I knew a neighbour had reported someone about a child car seat...Anyway I thought about it and decided it was wrong. So we had no choice but all to go with towels and the sick bowl.

So I've told DH I he was the only one who could have helped and he was selfish to put his 'wanting' to go to the gym above this family situation. I am a SAHP - I do fucking everything (he just turns up to the 'family' - yes he works hard blah earns good money) he go's to the gym every morning before work. I get to go other times and I study - but I don't go when I am needed.

Sometimes you just need a bit of help, a bit of help after looking after everyone elses sicknesses and half term entertainment - a bit of fucking help Sad and Angry

DH could either have helped by taking DD at 730 to nursery or waiting in with DS while I did it. The nursery is less than a mile away takes 10 mins all in.

AIBU to angry with him for just leaving me to it, it was only a small bit of help I needed.

Would IBU to get as much as I can out of him this weekend as there are loads of jobs doing that I need help with. He is a reluctant house maintainer/DIY - don't get me started about the fucking lightbulbs.

There I've said it all. (feel much better now)
TIA

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 07/11/2014 15:07

Oh and in our house I am a SAHM but DH does probably 70% of the cleaning as well as work full time, and he is in charge of lightbulbs. :o

MrsFlorrick · 07/11/2014 15:31

Itsfab. Hi. Sort of.
He is miles better in many respects (I have access to all finances on my terms and full control of the ship so to speak).

He is still crap at what he calls "helping" erm what is actually the things which need to be done in order for DC us (guinea pigs Grin) and house to survive/keep going. Angry

The good news is that despite his utter uselessness at helping, I am now actually in charge. So I may do most of it but I decide how it's done, when it's done and how much it's going to cost. Eg. I've decided we are buying another house which are currently doing. Because I wanted to move (do up another house really Wink) DH is happy with that and signing all papers. I viewed the house, I chose and we are buying. And he is happy for me to shell out on it

It seems to work. I am still annoyed with the fact that "all" he does is go to work albeit a corporate board level role with overseas travel. He could easily do more.

However I feel good because I am in charge of everything inc finances with full access to everything. And he never ever says a word. Other than complimentary comments Grin

He admitted (after a massive show down after my thread here on MN last spring) that he was an arse. So he stopped being as much of an arse.

I do get annoyed at weekends when he could pitch in. But playing field is way more level and I could just employ more help around the house if I wanted.

It's a work in progress. Isn't everything? And we will get there.

That said why should I have to "get there"? Because he feels entitled and is a lazy arse at home.

Andsmile. Sorry small rant on your thread. Grin

Itsfab · 07/11/2014 15:38

It seems great on the surface, MrsF, but you are still doing 99% of everything and he is still controlling to a degree it seems. He could do more, he chooses not too. I want more for you. You are lovely. He could do more. He is not lovely.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 15:44

Think I said up thread - I should have asked directly for his help.

DH does help with small bits when he is here we have a 50/50 arrangement at the weekend, cooking, nappies, getting kids ready and out.

The pink/blue job argument - this weekend he will be overseeing kids and doing meals as I am decorating. He is not good at decorating - Im better so happy to do it. I'm quite handy with a drill too.

I am a SAHP who fits an OU degree around everything else. We have agreed roles - this works for us.

I just wanted some fucking help for ten m inutes so my DS did not have to go out when he was ill.

to the poster who said about plan b and c childcare - dont you get it?

we-dont-have-anyone-else-to-help-us so it's those moments when I feel squeezed and yes angry at DH as he was the only one.

Brenda knock yourself out honey.

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 07/11/2014 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 15:47

really did someone call be needy for trying to get advice - well fuck me there are a lot of needy people on MN.

I think some posters have been drinking cunt soup

(sorry just wanted to get that in, I cam across it on another thread today and thought it was quite funny)

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 15:48

So would he normally be at work when you do the nursery run?

Please stop with the pink/blue jobs. There is surely no such thing!

RJnomore · 07/11/2014 15:54

Yabu.

I'm not a believer in the Mighty Penis getting in the way of child care but in this case you were preparing to take ds with you because YOU hadn't realised he was that sick either. So you were going ahead with your usual routine and he did the same. You didn't contact him to let him know the situation had changed.

Re the lightbulbs, how childish all round. Pay someone to come do it if neither of you like it and stop trying to score points off each other. You're supposed to be a team.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 15:55

nicky I know that it is what we practise that was a term someone used up thread.

DH goes to the gym 3/4 mornings per week. He is fit and healthy. He will leave at 620 to 700 am. Some mornings he leaves later goes straight ot work 730 ot to a client meeting. Other times at 530 to catch London train.

No worries MRS - I do think some men need to be trained into doing more - depends on their own role models, but then sometimes its just bloody selfishness.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/11/2014 15:56

Hope your bairn is on the mend soon OP and yes your bloke needs a good hard sharp dig In the ribs for being selfish.

Christ some people on this thread need to give their heads a wobble frankly Hmm

Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 15:56

So he wouldn't have been at home anyway, he would have been at work? So what's the issue than?

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 15:58

RJ hid did know he was ill, in his PJs sitting with huge sick bowl.

Not normal routine at all. We dont normally get up until 730. I take DD to nursery the same time as I take DS to school either just before or after.

The whole point is his help was not FOR ME - it was to allow DS to remain at home comfortable when ill

OP posts:
Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 16:02

Thats totally irrelevant Nicky it happend like this, he was there and that is what he did and I felt angry about his actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 16:03

gamer thank you - he has managed toast and he has had a sleep - several movies later...

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 16:04

It's not really irrelevant if he would have been away to work at the latest by 0730, iyswim? You would have been in the same position then anyway?

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 16:07

Yes of course I would but then he wouldnt be in a position to piss me off for not helping out in the way I have described but he was and he did - thats the whole point of the thread.

OP posts:
RJnomore · 07/11/2014 16:10

I got that he knew he was I'll. I also got that you were preparing to go out to nursery and it wasn't until after your dh left you decided/realised he was too ill to go. So if you thought it would be ok at that point, why do you expect him to think differently?

You also sound quite resentful of your dh having been I'll too.

Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 16:16

I'm lost. Have I got this right. He left earlier to go to the gym, however if he hadn't went to the gym he would have been at work anyway by the time you were taking DD to nursery?

Have I got that right?

If so, were you expecting him to go into work late?

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 16:20

Yes re resentful of DH being ill - fed up of the noise.

Im not sure i did though RJ I was bathing DD, he shouted by and sodded off.

There is a bit of woe is me in amongst all this as Ive looked after everyone for two weeks through half term put a lot into entertaining, halloween and a bonfire evening.

Well I'm doing as little as possible this weekend. I look forward to having a meal cooked for me.

OP posts:
BrendaBlackhead · 07/11/2014 16:23

Your dh leaves at either 7.30 or 5.30? And you're getting on at him about lightbulbs?

Really, if this were the other way around and the woman was working and the sahd was moaning about jobs to be done and coping with the children all the posters would be baying for his blood and telling you what a lightweight he was. And the poster doing grin emoticons about the dh working ft and doing 70% of housework - well, just imagine the reverse situation.

OP, you can swear all you like but frankly you just sound angry at your dh. If you are not happy with the division of labour then you need to hire an odd job person/cleaner whatever. I don't suppose you can hire a sick mopper-upper but there you go. If you speak to your dh like you speak on this thread, then I wouldn't blame him for being on Dadsnet having a whinge about you.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 16:24

nicky Im lost myself We were up at 6am DH got me a coffee he was dressed for gym (this is his usual time to be up whether he goes to gym then work or straight to work)

DS woke up early because he was sick so followed DD. So both kids were up earlier than usual, they normally in bed until 730.

Im not sure what you are driving at - it happened how Ive said. If he had not been there I would still have have to take DS ill in car but the whole point of the thread is he was there this all happened and his actions annoyed me.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 16:25

Why be resentful of him being ill? I'm ill more often than my husband and I would hate to think he resented me for it. People can't help being unwell, colds are annoying but not his fault!

I had a throat infection and he didn't mutter at all when I was bedridden, although I did end up in hospital.

To be honest, it sounds like you don't like him very much!

Nicknacky · 07/11/2014 16:26

I'm not sure why you don't understand my question. If he leaves for work at the latest 7.30 then he wouldn't have been at home anyway to help with the nursery run?

Itsfab · 07/11/2014 16:28

I think some people are being deliberately obtuse. DH would normally have left for work and be at work when I take DS to school and have to pick him up. Today he had the day off so he did both school runs. Was nice for DH and DS1 to have daddy so it as normally he can't. He is here so he does all he can.

OP H was there, he isn't normally so she gets on and does it, but as he was he should have mucked in.

Original poster
andsmile · 07/11/2014 16:29

So brenda are you saying he should never lift a finger in this house because he leaves for work early five days a week?

Yes I will bloody well moan about jobs not getting done - big ones that need to be done together.

Yes am angry at DH putting gym visit before DS being comfortable.

OP posts: