To wonder if those of you who privately educate your DC would prefer that they end up with a DP who is also privately educated, or woould you genuinely, hand on heart, not care?

[mscheddarandrioja]

In case you are wondering why I am asking, I am relatively new to MN, but there seem to be an awful lot of debates about state v private, boarding or not boarding etc, which ahs got me thinking - probably overthinking!

My DC1 went to a well known public school, but as it was primarily a boarding school, and it was not very conducive to family life in some respects - a very long school day (even the 'day boarders' had beds at school!), as well as school on Saturdays and bank holidays. There seemed to be very little time for a life away from the school.

By the time DC2 was ready to start secondary, we were in the catchment area for an outstanding state comprehensive (so outstanding that Ofsted doesn't even inspect it any more), now an academy for languages, music and G & T (which, thanks to MN, I now know is not gin and tonic!). I am very happy with the education provided and the language tuition is distinctly superior to that provided by DC1's school.

However - and I know that this probably reflects badly on me - I do worry sometimes that DC1 will have some social advantage which DC2 will not, which makes me feel guilty that DC2 didn't have the same opportunity - although DC2 had a place at the same school as DC1 but was put off and didn't want to go as DC1 was always complaining about the long hours, being pressed into compulsory sports teams etc.

On the other hand, I am aware that being privately educated can be a bit double edged, in that some will also judge unfavourably - there appears to be a strident minority on MN who are anti private school, on principle.

This issue is troubling me now, because we are at the stage of applying to 6th form for next year. I am wondering if DC1 should stay at the present state school - which is excellent academically - or apply to the DC1 school. There are no other options really, as I wouldn't consider sending my DC to boarding school unless they really wanted to go, and neither did.

Sorry if this is long and please ignore if you think it is a first world problem and trivial!

I think the level of culture shock can be almost equivalent to that of a foreign student studying abroad for the first time. I certainly felt like most of the other students were speaking a different language - I know it's a "code" - they all seemed to be making each other laugh and squeal over things I didn't even understand.

"How ARE you?? I haven't SEEN you in AAAAAAAGES! Check you aaaaaaaaaht! Wooooo!"

I just didn't have that level of social pizzazz at the time, the kind of loud sparkly confidence, positive body language and even intonation which is much more endemic within private schools.

The recent government interview skills programme advertised on TV makes me laugh, because I can relate to that so much from when I was a teenager! Most private schools (though mine didn't - but then it wasn't a posh one) kick that kind of attitude out of you pretty fast.

I was privately educated and it has never done me any good to be honest. My x was privately educated too and he was horrible. The most recent bf I had didn't finish school. I had the most interesting conversations with him.

I know people from school who married each other and I kind of pity them! the tedium! how many million years have they been together

I lived in rural France for a year and despite only having GCSE level French, I managed to get on with the locals far more easily than the Cambridge students.

I guess I am just too set in my ways. The high point of the 5 years was getting a waitress job at formal halls. First time I ever enjoyed formal hall as I hated attending them as a student.

One of the best articles I ever read about social inequality was the fact that private schools prepare better for Oxbridge social and academic life , and students quickly feel comfortable in their familiar environment. State schools don't do this as successfully.

Of course, when you're feeling comfortable quaffing and squawking, you're so much better positioned to take advantage of those social contacts which can fast-track you to an internship or position in the City!

I was at state school throughout and my DH was at a private school close by...I make the joke that the private school is where people from my school went to get their weed etc...and it's not actually untrue.
We both went to the same uni (albeit 8 yrs apart) and i actually got a slightly better degree. However none of this is important and did not factor in to our relationship at all (except a joke about one of our lecturers which broke the ice). My parents couldn't care less and maybe only know his school because it is local. Sadly my parents in law are no longer with us but I have no idea if they knew what school I went to

I guess the issue is ladeedad I would rather stick pins in my eyes than work as a city trader. I dated a junior merchant banker once and that really did not last long, I dumped him as he did my nut in. I run a commercial cleaning company nowadays and so I tend to deal with working class employees (although I have had some very well educated ladies work for me). My education has helped me massively with this as these are the type of people who went to comprehensive schools and I get on with my staff well.
I think I am a reverse snob, probably because I was raised by a real life Mrs Bucket type of mum and I rebelled against all the elocution lessons and ballet school classes I got forced to.
DS will be starting primary school next year and his first choice school is a very good one. However his second and third choice ones are a bit crap and if he gets sent to a failing school I may have to shell out 9k a year to send him fee paying. Fingers crossed it does not come to this.

My DC are privately educated and I can genuinely say it wouldn't me at all if their partners had been to state schools. DH was privately educated and I went to state school and it's never been an issue with his family. Occasionally there will be a bit of banter about different schools which I don't understand, but that's about as far as it goes.

By the time our DC come to choose their long term partners they will be out into the world and making their own decisions. It won't be any of my business who they choose to be with, although I do hope they live happy and fulfilled lives.

I wouldn't care if the schools didn't match in type.

I want the DC to be happy and successful. To do that they need to fulfill their potential and be self confident (I believe). Partly to give my dd that self-confidence, she is privately educated. However, niether DH or I were.

I would like them to have relationships with happy, successful people. I don't have an objective definition of successful in mind, but it would be better if the dcs and their partners could earn enough money to support whatever lifestyle they want). I don't give a rat's arse what their partners backgrounds are or how they were educated - I just want them to be content and well-adjusted so the dcs don't have to deal with other people's traumas (as far as possible).

TheWordFactory - everyone, but everyone, I know in the US sends their DC to private schools! No, that's not quite true but there is a flourishing one-stop-shop luxury schools market there too.

I find the social divisions in Paris society blindingly obvious. The nuances between the social standing of where you live/holiday/what you do in your spare time scream out. Access to desirable HE is much more restricted to the haves than it is in the UK (my DP, who has been on the admissions jury at ESSEC for over 20 years, can talk at great length about this). It is only ever from a distance that the inevitably somewhat opaque codes of social hierarchy look less rigid...

Hand on heart, don't care.

I would be surprised and possibly dismayed if they had partners with very radically views on things like education and learning etc from our family as these are attitudes could impact on their children should they have them.

DD1 is the only child so far with a SO and he is state educated all the way. But he also comes from a very similar family to ours, with very similar values.

DH and I were state educated (DH in another country). Our DC are in private schools. I would hope their partner is a kind person who is their intellectual equal but wouldn't care about what school they went too.

I trained for the Bar and had to dine at the Inns of Court. That was a bit of a steep learning curve. The privately educated people seemed to take it in their stride. In my spare time I worked in a bookies. Talk about a culture clash.

Ha Ha, most barristers love a flutter! The only difference being that some may own a leg (but probably only at the Commercial Bar, not your criminal hack!).

I was excellent at knowing what knife and fork to use at formal hall and which bread plate to go for but that was because I worked as a waitress at them. It is sad but I had a far more fun waiting the tables than sitting down and eating a meal. The high point was when this snotty cow insulted one of my colleagues, so I took over waiting her place and when she was not looking I poured a tray of gravy into her handbag which was left open. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when she first dipped her hand in that bag, but she just closed the top and walked off unaware of what I had done.

Well having gone to the trouble of reserving places at three very good pre-preps in our area for our dd (with a view to continue her education through private prep and secondary) we have now decided to send her to the local state school which has a "good" Ofsted report (not even outstanding). This decision was made purely for social reasons, we think our dd will benefit more from less pressure at a young age, more time with her family. She is very bright (says I modestly, well I think she is anyway) and I believe she will do well wherever. My dh went to a well known public school and hated it and in fact did erg poorly in his exams because he lost all interest in learning. He did very well at uni (got a first) and is now a research scientist with a PhD. Very few of his colleagues went to public schools, however they all went on to do very well at university. I went to a school for gifted pupils and was under so much pressure in my last years that I ended taking four years off between school and university, I don't want that for dd.

I'm in no way concerned that dd will not encounter the "right kinds of people" in state education and I do not believe that public school graduate equates higher achiever than state school graduate. I think dd has lovely classmates and they have lovely families. As many have said, the only concerns (and these have been fleeting has dd is still so young) about dd's future partner is that they treat her kindly, lover her and are strong and capable individuals themselves whatever they educational background might be.

ILiveona Buildsite - thank you for your post, which makes me feel a lot better. I feel exactly the same as you - I just want what's best for DC, which means fulfilling potential academically, socially etc, and hopefully finding a happiness with a like minded, kind and caring individual.

My DH and I were educated privately and so were our birth children (foster carers). Our children have never dated anyone who have been privately educated. They look for kind, happy partners with ambition and drive to succeed - none of us have any interest in where they went to school, or whether they went to university etc. In fact the partners they have had who did attend university have tended to be weighed down with a load of debt.

Well, I don't know, but if my comprehensive girls end up with private school boys, I'll certainly try to get over it

Mine have gone to a mix of schools. They have had a mix of friends / boyfriends from ex Eton to ex Feltham. As long as they are happy, I really don't care who they end up with or where they were educated.

"I do worry sometimes that DC1 will have some social advantage which DC2 will not"

What social advantages?

I went to a private school which seemed to be full of arrogant, entitled cunts.

Transferred to a further education college to do A levels and discovered that it was full of nice, interesting ordinary people. One of who I married.

If what you're actually talking about isn't the quality of their social lives, but is about them accessing the 'old boys network' for advantages in work - well, why would you buy into that sort of shitty, unfair system? Is that what you want your children to believe? That who you know matters more than what you know when it comes to professional success?

TOSN

I am not interested in which schools people went to, it is what they have done since that is interesting.

I don't see a 'social advantage' as being able to access some old boys/girls network. It is more a concern of being at a social disadvantage, in that some groups may seek to exclude DC on the basis of not being equal to them, in terms of background and education.

At my uni (ancient and traditional but not Oxbridge), there was a group like this. Of course, these people were probably not worth bothering with anyway, but I do wonder if the main advantage of an education at a leading private/public school is being imbued with more confidence on a social level.