To wonder if those of you who privately educate your DC would prefer that they end up with a DP who is also privately educated, or woould you genuinely, hand on heart, not care?

[mscheddarandrioja]

In case you are wondering why I am asking, I am relatively new to MN, but there seem to be an awful lot of debates about state v private, boarding or not boarding etc, which ahs got me thinking - probably overthinking!

My DC1 went to a well known public school, but as it was primarily a boarding school, and it was not very conducive to family life in some respects - a very long school day (even the 'day boarders' had beds at school!), as well as school on Saturdays and bank holidays. There seemed to be very little time for a life away from the school.

By the time DC2 was ready to start secondary, we were in the catchment area for an outstanding state comprehensive (so outstanding that Ofsted doesn't even inspect it any more), now an academy for languages, music and G & T (which, thanks to MN, I now know is not gin and tonic!). I am very happy with the education provided and the language tuition is distinctly superior to that provided by DC1's school.

However - and I know that this probably reflects badly on me - I do worry sometimes that DC1 will have some social advantage which DC2 will not, which makes me feel guilty that DC2 didn't have the same opportunity - although DC2 had a place at the same school as DC1 but was put off and didn't want to go as DC1 was always complaining about the long hours, being pressed into compulsory sports teams etc.

On the other hand, I am aware that being privately educated can be a bit double edged, in that some will also judge unfavourably - there appears to be a strident minority on MN who are anti private school, on principle.

This issue is troubling me now, because we are at the stage of applying to 6th form for next year. I am wondering if DC1 should stay at the present state school - which is excellent academically - or apply to the DC1 school. There are no other options really, as I wouldn't consider sending my DC to boarding school unless they really wanted to go, and neither did.

Sorry if this is long and please ignore if you think it is a first world problem and trivial!

Educational background would be least of my concern's re DCs' future partners.

I was privately educated all my school life. I'm also currently single. As long as someone is A) intelligent, B) not an arsehole and C) ideally good looking, I don't care how they were brought up. I'm sure my parents wouldn't care either!

A friend of mine has an ex-public-school boarder as a partner. He's a complete loser who has done nothing with the opportunities he was given early on in life. She, on the other hand, went to a state grammar, and is a high-flying medical consultant.

I know which set of parents are more concerned.

I find it a really odd question, as it's not something that's ever crossed my mind. I have occasionally found myself hoping that DD (who is teenage) doesn't end up with a partner who is a complete twat. By which I mean, I hope she finds someone who doesn't bully her, put her down, refuse to do his share of the chores, cheat on her etc. It's never occurred to me to worry about where this person had been educated.

I can't say I really get where you are coming from on this one. Both of your children have had an education others can only dream of- one in a private school, one in an outstanding state school (this may even be to their advantage at university entrance). I really think that this will be uninteresting to the future parents in law your children may or may not have!

hackmum I agree, my worries, having read the relationship board here one too many times are around them finding a partner who treats them well (not dv which is more common than people suppose in supposedly 'nice' families who may or may not have attended public school) and sees them as an equal human being. So many of the husbands/partners on MN appear to view their wives as quite good but not as good as them; the man's job/career/hobbies as essentially determining everything in the household from where they live, to how much money is spent on various things and so on. I am not talking about abuse, but true quality and I really worry when I come on here and read about, for example, husbands 'preferring their wives not to work' (what is that all about?)

So- if you bring your children up to avoid the bad 'uns and to know their own worth, this is far more valuable than worrying about private vs outstanding state (although obviously this current dilemma has to be solved- I would see what your child thinks and which offers the best academic environment).

That should say 'true equality'.

Me state educated DH private. Again my in laws couldn't have been more welcoming.
I don't think it matters.
I do think probably, for academic offspring it might matter re level of education. I don't know many relationships between say builders and academics that have been other than passing things.

Well I don't have any aspirations for my DC to marry into the royal family, and I just want them to be happy and loved, but do you think that Prince William would have married KM if she had gone to the local comp? I like to think that he would, but maybe not.....

Oh what a load of old tosh! What on earth has Prince William got to do with it?

The restrictions criteria that Prince William needed to consider when selecting a wife are hardly typical.

I think that people are more likely to meet their long-term partners at uni than at school, and I have say that my experience of meeting privately educated boys for the first time at uni was that they were a funny lot and not obviously boyfriend material (although they shaped up quite well after 3 years).

My DH was educated privately and I was 'educated' at v shitty London comp.
previous DH was privately educated, too.

In my career, my shitty schooling has never ever been mentioned, because I went to uni and then trained professionally.

So I think going to a v poor school basically was my loss, and of no consequence to anybody else, ever.

Are you joking? Why do you want your child to marry Kate Middleton types anyway? My husband comes from a different culture, he's highly educated but I have no idea about the 'type' of school he attended as these cultural references don't travel.

If you have such limited vision you can't imagine life outside this type of circle for your children, then perhaps it is important you educate them to fit in and find the 'perfect' partner. Look how well it turned out for Prince Charles...

DH was privately educated.
I was state educated.

But we both know he 'married up' :)

Marrying my children off wasn't something I thought about when I chose how to educate the weeWeasels. Same as hackmum, I hope they don't end up with knobbers as partners, but we all know that knobbers come from all backgrounds.

I didn't meet my DH at school, in fact, I don't know anyone who met their long term partner in school.

I'm slightly confused about what you're actually asking. The question posed in your title isn't followed up in your post.

But a good education is a good education, regardless of where it comes from. I'd be loathe to move a child who's doing well in an outstanding state school. What would be your rationale? Engineering his social circle & future spouse? Doesn't sound like a great reason to me.

When your sons get to university their social circles will have a similar mix of class/educational backgrounds. My DH was privately educated, I wasn't - it's not an issue. When it comes to my friends & work colleagues in London, I couldn't even tell you what their schooling was like.

well there are certainly schools that turn out a large percentage of overly confident arrogant boys as it is drummed into them as soon as they start here what a privilege it is to attend the school, they are carrying on a tradition, they will receive the best education money can buy and ex amount of pupils have become ...... this is what is expected of their pupils

saying that not everyone that has been educated at these schools carries this status or wants to and its just been part of their schooling

so I do not think you have to worry too much unless he wants to wear the i went to .... school badge

but having attended some private schools and receiving good results will open some doors the old school boy network may not have the influence it once did but it is still around its matters thankfully to less and less people now

It's not something I've ever thought about, but then I'm not privately educating my children.

Dh went to the most expensive school in England and I went to a terrible comp.

Just send them to the a school that is right for them. My aunt and uncle put all 4 of children through private school throughout their education, we weren't allowed to mix wit them because we were in grammar school that's how bad they are. All of them went to uni, one is a Dr and her parents only want her to marry another Dr, the other is in marketing, the third dropped out of uni and works in a factory the fourth went to uni but now works the same factory. They now regret putting spending thousands of pounds putting the third child through privately as he has always shown not be to academically inclined.

Sooo really who knows where your children will be once they are older. All you can do is give them an education and a school that they are happy with.

I was privately educated. My dh barely went to school! My parents adore him. In fact none of my dsis's or db are with privately educated partners.

I'm privately educated, DP isn't. I don't think it's occurred to my parents to mind.

My dcs are state educated (I'm one of those who doesn't agree with private education) and I would like them to find happiness with people who aren't bellends.

I think parents in the developing world have this hope for their children too.

My DP and all his siblings were privately educated. All their partners were state educated, and funnily enough are more successful career wise than their privately educated partners.

I think the parents may have preferred privately educated, but couldn't find any.

Personally I've found quite a few privately educated folk (whose parents are new to wealth) round these ends are a teeny weeny bit snobby.

I was having this discussion yesterday with DP. I would be happy to state educate my child in certain parts of the country (think Cambridge) where the average family is civil and well mannered. However, if living in other parts of the country, I would want to privately educate my child just to avoid my child picking up bad manners and attitude.

What exactly do you mean by a 'social advantage'? Do you mean in terms of being well connected for careers etc?

What is it that bothers you about your children potentially having non-private school partners?