To wonder if those of you who privately educate your DC would prefer that they end up with a DP who is also privately educated, or woould you genuinely, hand on heart, not care?

[mscheddarandrioja]

In case you are wondering why I am asking, I am relatively new to MN, but there seem to be an awful lot of debates about state v private, boarding or not boarding etc, which ahs got me thinking - probably overthinking!

My DC1 went to a well known public school, but as it was primarily a boarding school, and it was not very conducive to family life in some respects - a very long school day (even the 'day boarders' had beds at school!), as well as school on Saturdays and bank holidays. There seemed to be very little time for a life away from the school.

By the time DC2 was ready to start secondary, we were in the catchment area for an outstanding state comprehensive (so outstanding that Ofsted doesn't even inspect it any more), now an academy for languages, music and G & T (which, thanks to MN, I now know is not gin and tonic!). I am very happy with the education provided and the language tuition is distinctly superior to that provided by DC1's school.

However - and I know that this probably reflects badly on me - I do worry sometimes that DC1 will have some social advantage which DC2 will not, which makes me feel guilty that DC2 didn't have the same opportunity - although DC2 had a place at the same school as DC1 but was put off and didn't want to go as DC1 was always complaining about the long hours, being pressed into compulsory sports teams etc.

On the other hand, I am aware that being privately educated can be a bit double edged, in that some will also judge unfavourably - there appears to be a strident minority on MN who are anti private school, on principle.

This issue is troubling me now, because we are at the stage of applying to 6th form for next year. I am wondering if DC1 should stay at the present state school - which is excellent academically - or apply to the DC1 school. There are no other options really, as I wouldn't consider sending my DC to boarding school unless they really wanted to go, and neither did.

Sorry if this is long and please ignore if you think it is a first world problem and trivial!

I was privately educated DH wasn't and it caused ructions with my family until they realised he was from "farming stock" as was I. That was the only thing that made him "acceptable" to my family. All of our children have gone to private schools but I have no idea what type of schools their DP's went to. It's never come up in conversation and doesn't bother me as they're all really happy, which, for me, is the most important thing.

Neither my DH or I went to private school but all our DC have. Never really thought about it before but I suppose that makes them more likely to be friends with and have relationships with people from their own background. Our society does seem more divided now on class basis not like the days when the DH and I went to university on grants and people mixed more. Certainly their friends are from similar backgrounds which I suppose is not always a completely good thing but then on MN you see how unkind people can be making assumptions about kids character whether privately educated or state educated so maybe it is for the best for them to stick to their own

I would genuinely, hand on heart, not care.

It would be remarkably hypocritical of me to feel any other way, as I went to a state school and my DH went to a private school.

My kids go/went to private schools, btw.

I still can't believe people actually think this way. Prince William? Really?

I think it's 8 per cent or something like that of people who go to private school. So that would a very small sector of society your children would be having relationships with.

My sister was privately educated and when she was in sixth form she had a really nice guy who was interested in her. He didn't ask her out in the end as he thought he was beneath her due to her education. I thought that was really sad.

I wouldn't care, whats important is that dc are genuinely happy. Although thinking about it, I used to go out with someone who went to a fairly well known private school. It has only just dawned on me, right this second in fact, that this may have been the reason that his mother didn't like me and did her best to keep us apart. Hmmm.

Oh and I went to a state school by the way. It was my choice. You gave your DC2 the opportunity to go to the private school and they didn't want to, so don't feel bad about it. Now we're adults, the fact me and my sister went to different schools is a complete non-issue.

Please OP can you explain what this "social advantage" is.

Presumably it's not having to mix with the great unwashed unless you actively choose to do so, raltheraffe. And not having them in the frame when it comes to choosing a life partner, of course.

TheWordFactory - it isn't just in the UK that money/cultural capital provide access to pastimes that create hard to access social niches. It is, however, particular to the Anglo-Saxon world to package them up and provide a huge range of expensive activities along with academic education on a single site. One-stop shopping accessed by the happy few...

I don't think you need to worry too much about "social advantages" if by that you mean "contacts" and the OBN unless your privately educated child is at one of 4 or perhaps 5 schools.

I do sometimes wonder how disappointed some people on here will be when they discover that an education at St Custard's, Chigwell,does not carry quite the same cachet and door opening potential as Eton.........

This thread is depressing.
That it can all be all right as long as those privately educating their children can give assurances to the OP that 'of course' her DC2 will be considered good enough for their offspring.

The whole discussion wants taking back a stage.

And OP, do you want your children to marry someone whose family care whether they were privately or state educated? Would you educate them in such a way as to make them 'acceptable' to people with views like that?

bonsoir l suspect you're right. Other countries are every bit as divided just in a less obvious way?

I've just come back from the states and although very few children ( even wealthy ones ) attend private schools, there is very little in the way of social equality. Opportunities are offered to those with wealth.

In the UK private schools can indeed be one stop shops for opportunity, but there are also many other avenues open to the rich but not the poor that have little to do with school . Internships for example .

hak although your average private school doesn't offer the same cachet as the big name public schools, I think it's not quite right to think they offer none at all.

Anywhere that people with money gather will always come with a degree of mutual assistance. And private schools foster that communal spirit both deliberately and directly.

I was privately educated, my dp went to a state school. Also the product of a single mother and shock horror, a rough council estate. He is cultured, has a good professional job, very intelligent, gentle, kind. I am so lucky. Personally I didn't like an awful lot of the people I went to school with. I don't want to generalise but many were spoilt, ignorant and a bit thick.

I think being a good person is a good thing to aim for in life, not mixing with a certain kind of person and marrying someone of status.

You know you can be a happy and good person and marry someone with high status.

Or have it yourself!

My dsil was at boarding school, quite a posh one and my dd was educated at the local very average comp. She has always been welcomed by her inlaws and neither they nor we feel it makes a differnce. Fwiw dsil said he would never send his dc to boarding school.

It is of absolutely no consequence what school any future partners of my kids went to.

I was privately educated...my fiancée isn't. My parents couldn't care less. However he does have an extremely good job, and mixes in social circles where most people were privately educated.

Floggingmolly:

Thank you for the explanation.

However I do not know what is so bad about mixing with the hoi polloi. It is a fascinating topic for me, because I went to a comprehensive and then on to Cambridge University. I had to work hard at A level as my teachers were not very good and with physics I actually missed classes, as they were so bad, and taught myself the subject.

When I got in Cambridge I did well academically but I really struggled socially as I felt I had zero in common with other students. I eventually made a few good friends but these were townies and not students.

When I started I was fully aware I had the option of toning down my accent and get involved in posh things (eg the college wine tasting event), but I did not want to put on airs and graces and change who I am as a person.

I now have a 3 year old son and could just about, at a push, afford fee paying. However I genuinely do not want him to go fee paying as I think he will be missing out on mixing with the hoi polloi.

I can relate, raltheraffe. The first formal meal I went to at Uni - on my first ever night away from home on my own too - involved lots of complicated standing-up and sitting-down rituals and saying grace at the correct times. There were wine glasses on the table (I'd never up til then drank wine during a meal) and halfway through I buggered up the sitting-down rule when I leant over to get a corkscrew, which meant about 100 people booed little 18-year old me!

It's the little experiences like this which accompany a different kind of upbringing and can really change a person's social experiences once they go out into the world. The academic side is really only a part of it.

I got used to this after 3 years and now quite enjoy most aspects of MC culture, but I'm not sure if I want DC immersed in it all the time. I want to send them to a state school, and DH wants them to have private education like we had. If the academic experiences and outcomes are similar, then I'd much rather they go state.

It's interesting.

I'm working class and found Oxbridge a huge culture shock. At first, I turned my face against the new culture, fearing that I might put on airs and graces.

Then my Mum came to visit me and told me have a word with myself! That I'd left the coal fields precisely to have some different experiences. That opening ones mind and changing it was a bloody good thing.

Since then I've taken a Woolie's pick 'n' mix approach to class culture. I nick what I like, and leave what I don't ...

That said, I do have concerns about my DC having such a MC life. Their absurd levels of privilege sometimes make me grimace.

I like the idea of cherry-picking aspects of culture across the classes. I like to think that's what I do. I'll always have a bit of a chip on my shoulder and always be a bit of a reverse-snob, but I figure it's better to realise how lucky I've been rather than boast about the latest model of car I've just bought DD as her Uni present, or go on and on about my latest exotic travels...

What was interesting is my younger sister did medicine at Manchester and after the first term came back home (we live just outside MCR) with a posh voice. I used to call her Mrs Bucket. Right now she lives in the posh bit of Manchester, but has recently been posting on Twitter that she wants to move down south away from the hoi polloi.