To wonder if those of you who privately educate your DC would prefer that they end up with a DP who is also privately educated, or woould you genuinely, hand on heart, not care?

[mscheddarandrioja]

In case you are wondering why I am asking, I am relatively new to MN, but there seem to be an awful lot of debates about state v private, boarding or not boarding etc, which ahs got me thinking - probably overthinking!

My DC1 went to a well known public school, but as it was primarily a boarding school, and it was not very conducive to family life in some respects - a very long school day (even the 'day boarders' had beds at school!), as well as school on Saturdays and bank holidays. There seemed to be very little time for a life away from the school.

By the time DC2 was ready to start secondary, we were in the catchment area for an outstanding state comprehensive (so outstanding that Ofsted doesn't even inspect it any more), now an academy for languages, music and G & T (which, thanks to MN, I now know is not gin and tonic!). I am very happy with the education provided and the language tuition is distinctly superior to that provided by DC1's school.

However - and I know that this probably reflects badly on me - I do worry sometimes that DC1 will have some social advantage which DC2 will not, which makes me feel guilty that DC2 didn't have the same opportunity - although DC2 had a place at the same school as DC1 but was put off and didn't want to go as DC1 was always complaining about the long hours, being pressed into compulsory sports teams etc.

On the other hand, I am aware that being privately educated can be a bit double edged, in that some will also judge unfavourably - there appears to be a strident minority on MN who are anti private school, on principle.

This issue is troubling me now, because we are at the stage of applying to 6th form for next year. I am wondering if DC1 should stay at the present state school - which is excellent academically - or apply to the DC1 school. There are no other options really, as I wouldn't consider sending my DC to boarding school unless they really wanted to go, and neither did.

Sorry if this is long and please ignore if you think it is a first world problem and trivial!

Another one who finds the question a bit odd.. Were I presented with two possible partners for my offspring (as if I'd have a choice), one who had slogged his arse off at state school and had a clear vision of his future, or one privately educated but lazy and entitled, I know which I would chose!

When DW and I took advantage of a little windfall (and still impoverished ourselves) to send DS to day public school - be assured that we were not thinking about whom he might marry, in consequence or not.

At 29 I don't think he is much different from what he would have been at the good state school which was the alternative.

As for his future personal life; let him be happy in it and make me a GF - that's all I ask!

Dh and I both educated at (different) rural comps he went to Cambridge me to a decent but less lofty university. We met when both working in the City pretty much all our peers then public school / Oxbridge. I do wonder if we subconsciously found each other because of our similar backgrounds. Funnily enough everyone assumes we were both privately educated - people we knew then would criticise the state sector in front of us assuming they were amongst their own sort which could be awkward!

Do remember my dad laughing his head off on hearing my trainee was the ex head boy of top public school, doing my dogsbodying for me!

A state school which OFSTED no longer inspects?

Where is this school?
Is this even possible?
I thought all schools were inspected after various time lengths, although some more than others.

I was privately educated and went to Cambridge uni. My DH went to his local comp and then a good uni. My parents have never asked me whether he was privately educated and I don't think they could care less they love him and his family! But they would not have been happy if I had met someone who didn't have a degree. I don't plan to send my children to private school. We live in London and it seems to be the preserve of the super rich these days and I don't think we can afford it and I really don't want our children to mix with those types. I just want them to go to a normal local school and mix with normal people from a mix of backgrounds. I should say that I went to private school and my sister didn't and it caused a massive rift between is that still hasn't properly healed. She feels totally inferior and it hurts. My parents admit they f-ed up. But your situation sounds very different.

Are your DC the same sex, OP?

Okay, just seen link to "exempt schools" - didn't know that; seems a little odd still though. Why would they just assume they would stay outstanding regrdless? Does that mean they are never to be inspected agin?

Just googled - so yes, they are exempt from full section 5 inspections, but can undergo other inspections and a full one if any causes for concern.

OP, what 'social advantage' do you think your DC2 will miss out on by staying at current school?

Can you define it logically or is it just a kind of social anxiety on your part?

Yes, they are same sex. I am reassured by the comments generally. I love both of my DC totally and equally and I couldn't bear to think that they might think one had been preferred or given extra opportunities. I don't actually think that they have and they are both happy - as I said, DC2 could have gone to DC1's school but didn't want to.

I still sometimes feel guilty, although I did research it all at the time and was happy with my choice which was based on academic results, reputation, recommendations etc. I guess parents are programmed to feel guilty. Sorry to say it, but MN has contributed to this guilt - not blaming or complaining by the way, just a certain vibe that if you don't send your DC to private school, you have let them down in some way - even the ones who didn't send their DC to private school seem to say that they would if they had the money - not all, but some.

I guess it reflects on me - 1st in my family to go to uni, 11+ girl, also married to a DH from leading public school, but some lack of confidence still there, lurking. How sad am I?

Realise the question isn't aimed at me as I was educated in a state school but thought maybe the view from the other side would be interesting to some people. For me, if one of my girls brought home a boy or girl who was privately educated I'd be worried that they and their family were going to be tiresome snobs. But I would try and put my prejudices aside and see the person behind the stereotype because after all, you can't really help the decisions your parents make for you, can you?

To be frank, I wouldn't want my lovely, bright, sweet-natured and charming, state-educated dd to marry anyone from any family that didn't welcome her with open arms and appreciate that they were lucky to have her.

The British banker who has been arrested in Hong Kong for murdering two women at his flat was educated at Winchester. Just saying.

Isn't the point of private education to control who DC mix with?

It wouldn't bother me if dc bought a private school educated bf/gf home but I would worry that I wouldn't get on with the in laws. Aslo, private educated kids tend to make a big fuss out of small things so would be worried how they would respond in a crisis.

It takes a lot more than private schooling to put manners on some people...

Well, my DH was privately educated (boarding school), I was, er, not. I hope it had never occurred to his parents to mind. I even asked him if they did mind in the early days and he seemed confused as to why I'd even think to ask, and they love me now so it's all fine!

The posters saying you would never know who went where into adulthood, or more to those who doubt their inlaws have ever asked about their schooling - I would suggest that in many (not all) cases there is a strong indication and you wouldn't need to ask. If you spoke to dh and I in person, you would quickly note his 'posh' accent in contrast to my 'lahdan' one. Then if you were experienced in these matters and cared to analyse, you may detect some remnants of his public school 'polish'. This can't have escaped his parents notice within seconds of first meeting me, they would've known I didn't go to a 'posh' independent school and probably was state educated.

We met at a top university by the way. I don't think type of school matters that much.

Mrsruffallo, are you serious? You'd wonder how a privately apeducated person would cope in a crisis? What a prejudiced ill thought out and ignorant statement
I'm privately educated and have far more common sense and nouse than my state educated dh.

My DS and DD were both privately educated but neither of their partners were. It didn't bother me in the least. If they have children my DS has a very good job so could pay for their DC's to go private and my DDs fiancé works in a private school so a chance they could be educated privately anyway. I always think that it's the last school on your cv that would be looked at so they could go private for the last year but it doesn't sound as if they need it.

This thread is depressing - not for all the perfectly reasonable responses, but for the unspoken subcontext of social class and social aspirationalism via education that is in part what lies behind the OP's question, and some of the responses about state-educated people being pleased to 'accepted' by their privately-educated DP's family. As a foreigner I find it fascinating - so much of Mn, from discussions about whether a meal of baked beans and fish fingers constitutes junk food, to the baby names forum, to Education, is about social class.

I think there is an argument that some privately educated people never meet others outside their little bubble, but it's not universal and I think this can be applied to a lot of 'leafy suburb, top comp' people too. As for 'making a fuss about every little thing' and 'not being good in a crisis' - that's just bollocks. If you were in a crisis then I can guarantee you that you'd want me to have your back rather than state educated DP. I kick-ass, and could also embroider my cape beautifully.

Given how few people in the UK are privately educated it would statistically seem unlikely that my DC will marry other privately educated people.

I certainly wouldn't care provided they were loving and supportive and hard working.

That said, there does seem to be a definite split in the UK, where people from a wealthy background are able to access all manner of educational opportunities and jobs and pass times that those without that level of of money in their background cannot. So money will, in all likelihood meet money.

Among the first of my MIL's first questions to me was "do you ski?" which DH and I laugh about now although I felt so awkward about it at the time. She is more bothered about me conforming to upper middle class social norms than where I was educated, but ironically although I was privately educated, my parents may as well thought of being able to afford going to the Moon as spending a week in Verbier.

I've had to assimilate the whole spectrum of social class norms as part of my identity and frequently fuck them up I've varied from confounding sons of grouse-shooting aristocrats at uni with my sophisticated wit to being down with my dad's dodgy relatives on the equally dodgy estate he lives on. MIL doesn't understand me at all but thankfully DP does!

OP you didn't answer the questions about what exactly the "social advantage" of private school is

DH was privately educated at boarding school. I went to state school all the way. We met whilst we were at university (did PhDs in the same dept). His parents don't approve of me at all - especially his social-climbing mum (we've been NC with them for over 8 years). Ironic really as my background is almost identical to his dads.

Most of his school friends have privately educated OHs - I definitely feel that I don't fit in at social gatherings (more because I work FT and they are generally SAHP).