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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No alcohol at Hubby's 40th

141 replies

CookieDoughKid · 01/11/2014 21:21

Hubby is an alcoholic. We are in a really good dry period and has been dry for three years.

It's his big 4-0 next year. Would I be unreasonable to ask guests to not bring alcohol and it to be a teetotal party??

Hubby cannot be around alcohol at all. He doesn't want to be near it. But we do want a good party.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 02/11/2014 14:28

I think a lot of adults would swerve an evening party with a no booze rule.
If a night out is rare and they have to arrange babysitters, pay for taxis etc then they may not think it's worth it without a drink.

carlsonrichards · 02/11/2014 14:35

How about a holiday instead?

InfinitySeven · 02/11/2014 14:45

I think this hugely hinges on whether everyone is aware that he is an alcoholic, and that he cannot be around alcohol.

If they know both of those things, I would expect them to understand and to attend and support him.

If they don't know both of those things, it will be a much harder sell

Some people keep this type of thing very private. If your husband is one of them, consider a different type of party purely so that his alcoholism doesn't become the defining feature.

Kellie1991 · 02/11/2014 14:52

Yanbu... For me I hate this culture of having to drink to have fun... I used to drink quite a bit when I was younger I'm now 23 so now old at all lol but since I have had my ds 2 and half years ago I haven't touched a drink and I go out quite a bit. I would love an alcohol free party lol... I have every bit as much fun if not more than people who are drinking and don't have the hangovers the next day.... If anyone doesn't want to attend for this reason they aren't worth being a friend with... If they need drink to socialise with their friends I think that says a lot about that person! Hope you have a fab party x

addictedtobass · 02/11/2014 14:55

YANBU, though I would probably make it more an afternoon/evening thing and/or make it clear no alcohol in advance.

A cousin had a baby shower whereby they made loads of mocktails, all great ones from fruity to frozen to minty. Might be fun?

LurcioAgain · 02/11/2014 14:59

YANBU. And I don't get this "it won't be any fun" thing either. Friends of mine had a dry wedding (religious premises again) and it was an absolute blast - ceilidh, everyone danced the night away, honestly no different in atmosphere from any boozy wedding I've been to.

(Though by the same token people saying they'd struggle doesn't mean alcoholic in denial. One friend said of this wedding she might have difficulties - because she suffers from crippling shyness and uses a couple of drinks for dutch courage on big social occasions - which is not alcoholism or even alcohol dependence, just shyness).

Hulababy · 02/11/2014 15:00

I assume his friends know he is an alcoholic, and already don' drink around him (as you mention he cannot be around alcohol at all) so I doubt your friends and family would be overly surprised, surely.

Of course you can have an alcohol free party.

But, if people don't know, then it is wise to mention it either on the invite or in person - so they don't bring a bottle, etc.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 02/11/2014 15:09

You could have a lot of fun with themes, and still avoid alcohol.
Such as having it at a milkshake bar which turns sweets in to milkshakes, American diner (burgers and shakes etc - retro style diner), posh afternoon tea, or a mocktail making night (with a taste test competition to get everyone involved).

2fedup · 02/11/2014 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 02/11/2014 15:25

'I think you can expect a smaller turn out than you might otherwise, unless you have a specific theme beyond drinks reception no alcohol.'

'I do think it is unlikely to be a great party without any. People who don't drink much anyway will be fine, but everyone else will feel awkward and out of sorts.'

'If you want people to stay late and dance then i doubt they will without booze'

I think these are really sad. If people didn't come/enjoy themselves/dance I think it'd say more about them than about the lack of booze per se.

If they're real friends then they won't make a big deal of the lack of alcohol but will come along in droves to celebrate his birthday with him, have a wonderful time with him and make him feel like a million dollars.

Anyone who doesn't isn't really worth worrying about, IMO.

wanttosqueezeyou · 02/11/2014 15:29

Well I'd still come and you should just do what you want but I wouldn't personally throw a dry party.

I don't have to drink or get hammered and I'm not an alcoholic but I do like a glass of wine on a night out.

How on earth does he cope with life if he literally can't be around alcohol? Restaurants, cafes, shops and so many jobs have social occasions that revolve around alcohol?

BikeRunSki · 02/11/2014 15:33

How did he get dry? Does he have many non-drinking friends? In my (pretty extensive) experience, dry parties go much better if there is a mass of non drinkers.

I second having a focus, or going out during the day when many people wouldn't think about drinking anyway.

itsmeitscathy · 02/11/2014 15:54

Have it somewhere without a license, I had an unintentionally booze free 21st - it didn't even occur to me that it had been the case until several years later.

Sweetpea01 · 02/11/2014 15:57

I'm a bit at all these posters who insist a good time is dependent on alcohol being available. Really? That's just admitting to having poor social skills or a dull personality to say that booze is the only thing to loosen you up.

Perhaps it's a generational thing.

I'm mid-twenties and still go out and do the club scene fairly regularly. If I or my friends are running low on money (or just cba with booze) we just drink (MUCH cheaper and lasts longer) soft drinks all night without issue. We still dance, laugh and even karaoke at these times when we are stone cold sober.

YANBU op

BikeRunSki · 02/11/2014 16:05

Karaoke sounds like a great idea

MaryWestmacott · 02/11/2014 16:09

Sweetpea - I don't think it's all that shocking that by late 30s, most people aren't really up for a late night dancing and chatting to strangers, unless they've had something to help lower their innabitions. DH doesn't dance unless he's had a few, and does find chatting to people he doesn't know hard. (He's not alcholic, and as a cyclist, he rarely has more than 1-2 glasses of wine in a week during the season)

I think it's harder to have an event that 'normally' would be a drinking event without it, so an evening buffet and disco type event would be noticable if dry. Similarly, a formal sit down meal without wine would be odd.

I would go with one of the earlier suggestions, nothing to "organised fun", but a brunch or tea party would be fine. that said, if day time, you've got to decide if you want it to be a family event or not. If you say no children in the daytime, then it'll be unlikely to be a high turn out, and also if something's no children, most people would expect it to be a drinking event.

MaryWestmacott · 02/11/2014 16:11

not karaoke! Most people I know can't sing. It takes being hammered to make you forget and have a go. I would not sing cold stone sober in a group. If I was made to, I'd hate it and it would be cringy. I wouldn't find it funny or fun to listen to other people singing badly, unless also so drunk I thought it was genius.

Some people are 'performers' most people aren't.

amyhamster · 02/11/2014 16:14

In my circle of friends we do like a drink on a night

Especially my old school friends who all live far apart

If we were all travelling a few hours & staying over to attend your Dh's 40th party we'd go for a couple of hours & then go on somewhere to have a few

We'd have organised childcare , possibly annual leave, spent on hotel / travel - only you know if this sort of scenario is likely & if you & your dh would mind people living early possibly in groups

NoelleHawthorne · 02/11/2014 16:23

now karaoke is a time when you need a drink

merrymouse · 02/11/2014 16:30

How on earth does he cope with life if he literally can't be around alcohol? Restaurants, cafes, shops and so many jobs have social occasions that revolve around alcohol?

How on earth do people get through life if they can't chat to a stranger or even a friend or acquaintance without alcohol?

addictedtobass · 02/11/2014 16:54

I think OPs hubby should have the party he wants- dry or not- but it's fair enough to ask how does he cope in general if he can't be near alcohol. Even if he and his friends chose not to drink, bars ad restaurants still serve alcohol in the same vicinity. I just presume he doesn't put himself in those situations.

Most people can go without alcohol, they just enjoy it and would prefer a glass. If you can't go without then there are issues just as if you can't be around then there are issues.

merlehaggard · 02/11/2014 16:55

I think it's very reasonable.

wanttosqueezeyou · 02/11/2014 16:58

How on earth do people get through life if they can't chat to a stranger or even a friend or acquaintance without alcohol?

Well I don't know anyone who has this problem so not sure but I suppose they may well end up an alcoholic.

But I do know someone who struggles with large groups of strangers and would always have a drink in such a situation. Its not that often though so quite manageable. I imagine it's not that uncommon to do this.

Titsalinabumsquash · 02/11/2014 16:59

I think there's a big difference between being in a restaurant where other people you don't know on other tables are having a glass of wine or two which I can imagine is possibly easier to deal with for a recovering alcoholic and your own birthday party where all your friends and relatives are mingling around you with alcoholic drinks in their hands.

Nancy66 · 02/11/2014 16:59

I don't need alcohol to talk to people. I would just prefer to have it at a party, same as I'd like there to be a bit of food and music.

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