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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No alcohol at Hubby's 40th

141 replies

CookieDoughKid · 01/11/2014 21:21

Hubby is an alcoholic. We are in a really good dry period and has been dry for three years.

It's his big 4-0 next year. Would I be unreasonable to ask guests to not bring alcohol and it to be a teetotal party??

Hubby cannot be around alcohol at all. He doesn't want to be near it. But we do want a good party.

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 02/11/2014 09:44

It depends on the kind of party you want i think. If you want people to stay late and dance then i doubt they will without booze - whether you like it or not it's part of our cultural norm to have alcoholic beverages at those types of parties. To a lot of people (me included) being somewhere in the evening for possibly 5 hours and a disco would seem odd without a drink. I can't imagine the vibe being buzzing enough to sustain that.

However, if you have a meal/the party earlier like lunch or tea/a theme with entertainment then i don't think it will feel strange and would hardly notice.

If it was my friends do, then of course i would go and i would probably enjoy it, but i can't imagine staying chatting with strangers for hours or dancing the night away without a few glasses of something.

NoelleHawthorne · 02/11/2014 09:46

I am also VERY impressed by the OP's H success but am also interested how he manages day to day at social events, or just, in fact, everywhere where there is booze.

I think a meal or indeed just go on holiday yourselves to congratulate yourselves might be way better

PercyHorse · 02/11/2014 09:50

The fact that you find it hard to imagine a party without booze and assume people would bring hip flasks says a lot about you.

wheresthelight · 02/11/2014 10:02

Not unreasonable in the slightest and congratulations to your dh on managing 3 years and being self aware enough to know he cannot be around it at all!!

my dad is an alcoholic and when I got married we made sure that all the food etc was completely alcohol free and whilst it wasn't practical to have an alcohol free wedding dad was amazingly restrained and stayed sober all night, I was and am immensely proud of him! his sobriety has lasted far longer than my marriage!

assuming your friends know then I would expect them to be fine and very supportive of it and anyone who isn't really isn't a friend imo! it may be tricky woth people who don't know his illness but I would just do a blanket explanation of there will be an alcoholic there who no longer drinks so we would like to keep any temptation away out of respect to him and his family.

merrymouse · 02/11/2014 10:04

I think every day, all day somebody somewhere is doing something fun, wild, exciting, scarey, sociable, boring, anxiety provoking, or completely outside their comfort zone without the need to take the edge off with a drink.

How on earth could anybody look a child in the eye and tell them to do something new or challenging if they couldn't handle an alcohol free party, even a 40th for a friend who is an alcoholic?

Chunderella · 02/11/2014 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoelleHawthorne · 02/11/2014 12:22

Did someone say "brunch"?

TalkinPeace · 02/11/2014 12:57

THAT is a good idea :
full on brunch
eggs benedict, kedgeree, waffles
seriously : book somewhere and FILL the place from 10 till 1
tea coffee fruit juice good food good company
UTTERLY memorable and no excuse for any alcohol from anybody

Aridane · 02/11/2014 13:02

I am surprised at the number of people who say that the party needs to be afternoon or, if evening, to have a theme otherwise there will be a poor turnout without alcohol. Does alcohol means so much to people? Isn't the 40th birthday of a friend and the three year anniversary of being dry for an alcoholic something to celebrate?

LadyLuck10 · 02/11/2014 13:04

Yanbu at all. People who care about him will be only too happy to support him and the people who care about alcohol should not be invited.

ApocalypseThen · 02/11/2014 13:05

I would have thought so. In fairness, if you can't chat to people (especially ones you probably know) after 6pm without alcohol, something sounds a bit wrong.

fatlazymummy · 02/11/2014 13:11

Ariadne a party in the evening for adults usually includes alcohol, in our culture. That doesn't mean that all the guests are alcoholics, or even want to get drunk, just that they wouldn't really see it as a very sociable,enjoyable occassion without the opportunity to have at least a couple of drinks. I'm teetotal myself, I did have a drinking problem, but I find it easy enough to understand that.
Yes probably close friends and family would go, but I'm pretty sure a lot of his wider social circle wouldn't, or at least they'd only stay for an hour or 2 out of politeness.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 02/11/2014 13:16

I love a good party where the wine flows freely and get drunk.

However friendship mean more to me, as long as there is good coffee and cake I would be equally pleased.

Chunderella · 02/11/2014 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilburIsSomePig · 02/11/2014 13:20

I'm pretty gobsmacked at anyone saying a party without alcohol is likely to fail or that some may 'give it a miss'. What a weird way to think.

The man is an alcoholic and if someone cannot give up one evening of alcohol to celebrate his birthday then they're no friend.

And I speak as someone who likes a good drink myself, but parties are about the company and the occasion.

TalkinPeace · 02/11/2014 13:20

I guess I'm looking at it from the point of view of
How to make the party memorable in its own right
not just because there was no booze.

So if OP thinks laterally she can create an event that people remember for what it had rather than for what it did not have
IYSWIM

fatlazymummy · 02/11/2014 13:29

wilbur of course some people will give it a miss. People don't want to 'give something up* on a night out.
I'm teetotal now, and I wouldn't really want to go to a party now, because one of the reasons I used to drink was because I find it difficult to relax in a social situation. There's just no way I could ever get up and dance at a party now I don't drink. I don't think I'm alone there either. I wouldn't throw a party either now, for the same reason.
Of course if the host was someone I really cared about then I would go but it would be a bit of an ordeal really.

unclerory · 02/11/2014 13:37

YADNBU. Love some of the suggestions but I think for an evening party without alcohol all it needs to be fun is a) some sophisticated non-alcoholic drinks (TBH why is warm coke any worse than cheap wine? ) b) a great band. How about a ceilidh band with instructions to get everyone involved in the dancing?

Do you have kids? A friend's 40th birthday was a family affair, started at 6pm but since everyone had their kids with them at least half the adults were driving and were sober (amazed at the people who can't go out in the evening without alcohol, do you never drive on a night out?). Introducing kids into the mix makes it less of a 'lets get pissed' experience.

Well done to your DH for being sober for 3 years, that's fabulous. Are some of the friends you'd want to invite old drinking friends who you think might have a problem with no alcohol? Anyone worth having as a friend won't have a problem with a sober party, those that do should maybe consigned to history.

Mintyy · 02/11/2014 13:38

Shallow, selfish people would forego the opportunity to celebrate a friend's 40th because there was no alcohol there. And if they were truly honest with themselves they would realise they had some sort of skewed relationship with alcohol. If its impossible to have a good time without it then that is a problem! surely?

MrsCumbersnatch · 02/11/2014 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fatlazymummy · 02/11/2014 14:02

mintyy not everyone enjoys parties in the 1st place, with drink or without. Not everyone sees the importance of celebrating adult birthdays. I can actually think of quite a few reasons why people might not want to attend, but not having alcohol might be the deciding factor for some people.

HowlyBabblyBansheeeeeee · 02/11/2014 14:08

Congratulations to your DH, three sober years is no mean feat.

I'm a non drinker for much the same reason. I would prefer not to be around alcohol but I know that's unrealistic. I'm not much of a party goer but neither is DH who has no issues with alcohol, however I always attend family events where booze is a major ingredient. I find drunk people boring, as I'm sure I was, but what is sad is that although I'm the one with the alcohol problem they are the ones who can't have a night out without it.

WilburIsSomePig · 02/11/2014 14:09

Fatlazymummy I don't really think there's any 'of course' about it really, but I suppose one can only give an opinion from their point of view and ours definitely differ. It certainly wouldn't be a foregone conclusion that people in my circle of friends would not attend a party if no alcohol was available, certainly not if the host was an alcoholic.

Chunderella · 02/11/2014 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Titsalinabumsquash · 02/11/2014 14:21

I'd be more inclined to go to parties if they were 'dry' I think it's a real shame that adults can't function without alcohol and I have never had a problem with alcohol at all, the British drinking culture is the most unattractive thing about this country imo.

Have a fab party OP and well done your DH for doing so well and well done you for supporting him.

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