To be hurt re dh's comments about my job?

[Fallslikelondonrain]

I've been a sahm since having ds but now he's at school I started job hunting.
I was a teacher prior to having ds but didn't want to go back into it, the hours are so long and ds is only just 5. I don't want him in after and before school club every day and I don't want to leave him in childcare through the holidays, it would be different if we had family nearby to help out but we don't. Dh also works very long hours and travels away a lot. I know even if I, working 60 hours a week he still won't help with ds or do anything round the house. I also have been diagnosed with some health problems which mean I am unwell some of the time, I cannot at the moment do 60 hours weeks. Dh earns £100k plus so financially we are ok. Consequently I've opted to go back as a TA, it's five days a week but I will be able to fetch ds although he will need to go in to before school club some mornings.

Obviously the wages aren't great. However there were a lot of applicants including three other interviewees who were internal candidates in non-permanent roles. So I was quite pleased when they rang and said I'd got the job. It was also the first one Id applied for so was very lucky.
However the shine has well and truly been taken from it by DH making the following comments:

Not surprised you got it, no other teacher would be stupid enough to work for peanuts.
I earn as much in ten hours as you will in a month.
I have four GCSEs and you have a degree, but who is the most successful?

He commented this morning in front of my inlaws and some mutual friends about how little I was earning - telling them the exact amount - and how I'd earn more as a street cleaner.

For me it's a big thing going back after five years out of work. I know it's not the greatest job in the world financially and that I'm never going to be a high flyer. But I was pleased. Was. Not so much now.

Aibu?

Your DH is a twat and yes I have encountered that type at work many times. If my DH felt that little of me then he wouldn't be my DH for long.

Sorry op but I think you need to start challenging your DH on his attitude otherwise he will bring you down on every occasion he can and that is no way to live.

Your DH is an utter prick and I have no idea why you're with him. But if you're staying with him then don't be a martyr. If you're at work and he has no intention of doing any household chores then some of that £100k salary of his needs to go towards buying in some domestic help of some kind.

Sounds like a charmer Op!

He is an arse - and a selfish one to boot. Congratulations on the job

^When you do find a job, he'll then rush to put it down because you haven't landed some big-swinging-dick city job pulling in £3958958495845 a year after tax. Even if you had, his job would still be better/more prestigious/more important and you should still do all the household chores and childcare.

In a nutshell, men like this don't value their partners because they don't like women all that much. Your role is as a lesser being, in the home, serving him. Childcare is exclusively your problem, housework is exclusively your problem.^

This.

Maybe if he'd had better learning support he might have achieved more academically?

Also, a six figure salary is no substitute for empathy and compassion. I wouldn't put up with my DH putting me down in front of anyone, and nor should you.

I think you've made a great decision. If you've been out of teaching for a while it would be difficult to go straight back into the classroom with all the recent changes. Working as a TA for now means you can up to date again and then if you feel it's the right time in the future, go back to being a teacher again.

The issue here is that your DH is a knob of the highest order. Unfortuantly I've worked with men like this who think the only thing of value in this world is how much money you make. It's great he's on £100k and has an amazing high flying job, but remember he is only able to do this because you have been there doing the childcare, housework etc. Without that a lot of his lovely money would have been paying for childcare, housekeeper etc.

"When you do find a job, he'll then rush to put it down because you haven't landed some big-swinging-dick city job pulling in £3958958495845 a year after tax."

Love this comment, first good laugh of the day.

I would accept and leave his scabby arse.

He is a prat. The worse thing about this is he is discussing your salary with other people and basically putting you down to make himself look better (or so he believes). What did you in laws say? I know my mother would bite my brother's head off if he talked about his wife's job as your DH is?

Erm he can only earn what he does because of your support.

He's being a complete arse it will be hard enough for you working and having to do everything else.

How embarrassing would it be for him if you were to divorce him in the grounds of financial abuse.

Maybe he doesn't want to work 60
Hours a week anymore

The thing that strikes me is that you are only "hurt" by his comments. I think that in your position most of us would be furious. I would probably have let all friends and family know in no uncertain terms exactly why you are in the position you are in career wise (ie. he contributes sod all to childcare and the running of the house so you have to do everything).

Shocking

what level the role is, but a TA3 job could well start at about 17k.

Not in my neck of the woods. No TA in my LA would get that at top of scale let alone starting.

Look, why don't you just call his bluff.

Say you have been giving his views re the financial renumeration serious consideration and have therefore decided to return to fill time teaching.

This will require your DH to be available for 50% of your child's holidays (13 weeks per year), sick days ( like
Y to be numerous at his age) also to do 50% of pick ups and drop offs and also as you will be working 60 hours per week to do exactly half of all domestic duties, I would list these fully so that he can see what will be required.

I would then tell him that if he feels unable or unwilling to agree to these terms then that is absolutely fine but he will have to pay for someone to cover his half which is likely to amount to at least £15,000 per year, which even if you are on 100k a year after tax will be a big chunk.

Honestly, just call his bluff and carry I through just enough to panic him.

Also, TAs are only paid for 38 weeks of the year, teachers are paid for 52, & TAs don't get paid for lunch and breaks. I believe teachers do, but I may be wrong.

The full time equivalent scale for TAs where I am is approx £15k-£22k. Obviously as a TA you work 30-35 hours TTO so the actual is lower - £11k-£15.5k.

If you look at it per hour though, experienced TAs often earn more than newly qualified teachers.

Newshoes - actually teachers are only paid for 39 weeks, whereas TAs get 39 weeks+statutory holiday.