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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt re dh's comments about my job?

144 replies

Fallslikelondonrain · 01/11/2014 21:16

I've been a sahm since having ds but now he's at school I started job hunting.
I was a teacher prior to having ds but didn't want to go back into it, the hours are so long and ds is only just 5. I don't want him in after and before school club every day and I don't want to leave him in childcare through the holidays, it would be different if we had family nearby to help out but we don't. Dh also works very long hours and travels away a lot. I know even if I, working 60 hours a week he still won't help with ds or do anything round the house. I also have been diagnosed with some health problems which mean I am unwell some of the time, I cannot at the moment do 60 hours weeks. Dh earns £100k plus so financially we are ok. Consequently I've opted to go back as a TA, it's five days a week but I will be able to fetch ds although he will need to go in to before school club some mornings.

Obviously the wages aren't great. However there were a lot of applicants including three other interviewees who were internal candidates in non-permanent roles. So I was quite pleased when they rang and said I'd got the job. It was also the first one Id applied for so was very lucky.
However the shine has well and truly been taken from it by DH making the following comments:

Not surprised you got it, no other teacher would be stupid enough to work for peanuts.
I earn as much in ten hours as you will in a month.
I have four GCSEs and you have a degree, but who is the most successful?

He commented this morning in front of my inlaws and some mutual friends about how little I was earning - telling them the exact amount - and how I'd earn more as a street cleaner.

For me it's a big thing going back after five years out of work. I know it's not the greatest job in the world financially and that I'm never going to be a high flyer. But I was pleased. Was. Not so much now.

Aibu?

OP posts:
alltoomuchrightnow · 01/11/2014 21:47

he's despicable, I feel really sad for you :-(

generaltilney · 01/11/2014 21:47

I know a lot of teachers who work as TAs. Why the hell not - working with the kids all day rather than planning and paperwork, and you actually work those legendary short hours, instead of about twice that. Though most TAs that I know still do planning in the evening at times (I certainly did when i was a TA), but it was not expected and only happened perhaps once or twice a week.

He appears to have an enormous chip about not having a degree. Is that a frequent topic of conversation? Do you find yourself downgrading your own qualifications in order not to get challenged about this?

It is true that TA jobs pay appallingly - APPALLINGLY - so the factual statement of how much you are earning is true. How much did you discuss about how this was going to work? What are his expectations of your life together? Does he hate his very well-paid job (quite common) and was he hoping to be able to take a step back himself?

I am trying to find ways not to say how shittily he is behaving, but my feeling is you should fight back, actually. Get a lot sarkier and more demanding of respect. Because at the moment, you are heading rapidly towards the point where it would be a relief to split up, and you must have liked him more than anyone else in the world at one point, so what changed?

Pico2 · 01/11/2014 21:48

One of the reasons that I left teaching is that I found it impossible to switch off. Now, I leave the office and work is pretty much out of my mind.

Original poster
Fallslikelondonrain · 01/11/2014 21:50

Dh is very money motivated and ambitious. He actually quite likes his job - most of the time anyway which is probably as good as it gets.
Yes he knew what sorts of jobs I was thinking about applying for. He knew I wasn't going to go straight back to teaching.

The only value he ever puts on anything is a monetary one.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 01/11/2014 21:52

But the OP's OH has paid all the bills for the past five years and provided a home. Perhaps he expected the OP to contribute a bit more now LO is school age.

I think there's potentially resentment on both sides which doesn't bode well. OP your OH is out of order to throw those comments at you but it sounds like he's resentful of you.

Original poster
Fallslikelondonrain · 01/11/2014 21:53

As an aside to most people who are TAs find they get to leave more or less on time? I don't mind working through lunch and taking stuff home but I will need to leave more or less on time to fetch ds.
And actually if I have to put him into before and after school club financially it's true it would hardly be worth it.

However in other ways for me it is worth it - it's a first step back into work and that's not easy to find sometimes when you've been at home for a few years.

OP posts:
hollie84 · 01/11/2014 21:54

Tell him that if he wants you to go back to full time teaching you will need to employ a full time nanny-housekeeper. He'd have to pay them around £30-35k. That's a monetary value for him!

hollie84 · 01/11/2014 21:56

I'm a TA and make a point of never taking work home. I always take my full lunch break (as do all my colleagues), get in on time and leave within 10 minutes of my finish time.

RandomMess · 01/11/2014 21:56

Not only that, job satisfaction, actually being able to switch off and give ds your time and have friends around to play etc. etc. etc.

generaltilney · 01/11/2014 21:57

Right, so you put other values on things - so start articulating those. 'I've taught 100 children to read and add up so they can get jobs like yours, let's hope I've taught them better manners than you too' 'If I had to work for a tosser like YourBoss I'd stab him or myself, I have no idea how you put up with it' (make sure you frame him as the one who is doing 'female' things like enduring, putting up with things, keeping his mouth shut) 'Oh another exhausting day of meetings and bullshitting? you poor thing [laughs] you wouldn't last three days as a teacher'

YOU KNOW teaching is pretty uniquely exhausting. YOU KNOW that monetary values, while a perfectly reasonable way to look at life (teaching is not badly paid after all) are not all there is. HE is with you, he must have liked something about you. Start standing up for yourself.

Original poster
Fallslikelondonrain · 01/11/2014 21:58

That's encouraging.
I don't really mind taking stuff home - iep planning etc but part of why I've taken a ta job is so I can fetch ds from school so I'm hoping to be out more or less on time.
My TAs always left pretty much with the children but more and more seems to be expected now.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 01/11/2014 22:00

Vile comments from him aside, why doesn't he do his share of the housework or childcare? Why does he get all that free time? When do you get your free time?

I second someone else, what is he actually contributing to your life beyond money (and lets face it he could contribute that whilst living somewhere else where you don't have to listen to him or cook his meals).

CaptainSparklePants · 01/11/2014 22:04

Jesus. What a dick.

I would consider his comments and that he told anyone the exact amount you earn, borderline abusive. My dp would get shown the door pretty fast if he did that. But he wouldn't do it, because it isn't normal behaviour towards someone you are supposed to love.

You need to have a serious chat with him and consider how he benefits your life if at all

Not only that but his views may rub off on your son.

On a side note I detest people who have reverse snobbery about degrees and think they are somehow better for not having one.

andsmile · 01/11/2014 22:08

OP I am in exactly the same position. I really admire you back into a classroom after experiencing a break from the stress and demands of it all - I dont want to go back partly because of what you said about childcare etc.

Your DH seems to only measure a persons self worth/value based on their earnings.

There are far better measures and I'd give it back to him full frontal attack (I agree with others who have called him a twat) I'd be very hurt if that was said to me in front of others as a means to put me down and embarrass me.

hettie · 01/11/2014 22:08

Did he want a child and a career? (Really, really?). If so he's being a prick of the highest order... The only reason he has both is because you have facilitated this by giving up your teaching career. If my dh ever intimated that he was dissatisfied with my earning potential after I'd given up 5 years of my working life to facilitate us having a family his feet wouldn't touch the floor for the speed he'd be out the door... When I got pregnant (with no 1) we earnt aprox the same. Now nearly 8 years later his earning potential is 2.5 times mine. But I've had to retrain (to do something that was even vaguely family friendly hours) and I had to retrain on a part time basis. He earns more than me because through all this time I've supported him to work full time and progress his career (whilst still having children who had a parent on hand whilst they were little- which is also what he wanted). Your dh clearly doesn't get this...

andsmile · 01/11/2014 22:09

challenge these monetary values

Iwasinamandbunit · 01/11/2014 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlesroi · 01/11/2014 22:14

He's right arse isn't he? Next time he starts the big I Am you might like to remind him that you have two jobs - one paid and one unpaid - and work much longer hours than he does Don't let him belittle you in front of his family again.

Well done on the job. I'm sure it will work out well for you.

DoJo · 01/11/2014 22:18

Echoing another poster - what did the people that he said this in front of say or do? Did any of them stick up for you or tell him to stop being such a fuckwit?!

warmgingerbread · 01/11/2014 22:21

I am totally playing devils advocate here OP so please don't be offended but I wonder if he is sort of saying you are worth more.

To give an example, I am a teacher but I also do some work as a home carer as I'm toying with the idea of a career change. I love being a carer but the pay is to be frank insulting. My manager and many of the clients for that matter keep saying things like 'what's a bright girl like you doing this for, you should be nursing!' They are obviously trying to encourage me to be aspirational and maybe (only maybe!) your DH is doing the same?

But he is still being SO rude! So you're definitely not unreasonable to be hurt Flowers

WoodliceCollection · 01/11/2014 22:25

Wow, he sounds like an utter knob. TA posts are very sought after I think, hence lower pay for skill level. I would probably tell him to calculate how much you'd get with the pay plus whatever a court would take from him in maintenance, see if he looks so up himself then.

raltheraffe · 01/11/2014 22:26

It may be the environment he works in.

I once dated a junior merchant banker (he is now a millionaire, but was just starting out when I was with him). I dumped him as he was so money focussed and ultra-competitive.

He was once chunnering on about how he could not buy a car at the moment as he had decided his first ever car would be a Porsche. I quoted Oscar Wilde to him: Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

If he is working in one of these uber-competitive, money focussed environments this type of talk is normal banter. However to anyone who does not live and work in this little bubble it comes across as shitty, superficial and bellend type behaviour.

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2014 22:29

But the OP's OH has paid all the bills for the past five years and provided a home. Perhaps he expected the OP to contribute a bit more now LO is school age.

Whilst the OP has swanned about getting her nails done and lunching with friends...

Is no value put on running a home (cleaning, cooking, shopping, bill paying, washing, ironing - some people do it! etc, etc) and raising their child, so that her 'D' H doesn't have to lift a finger outside of his job and gets more free time than the OP?

Thank the Lord my DH never expected that I had to match his salary when I went back to work. And I've yet to meet a classroom teacher on £100K!

Original poster
Fallslikelondonrain · 01/11/2014 22:33

Trust me - I've had barely any money these last few years.
I couldn't have had my nails done and gone out for lunch even if I'd wanted to.

Although I know the point you were making wasn't that, it was that I've been doing something worthwhile even if it hasn't had a financial value.

OP posts:
blackcoffeeplease · 01/11/2014 22:34

Christ. What a shit thing(s) to say. You need to tell him you're hurt by this and it's not acceptable - I know you said he puts a monetary value on everything but really, that's no excuse.

"I have four GCSEs and you have a degree but who is the most successful?" That's bloody awful. Just no excuse op - don't accept it. Sad