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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset even though he isn't?

155 replies

JamaicanMeCrazy · 01/11/2014 14:49

It's my son's 7th birthday today. He has Aspergers and doesn't deal well with lots of people so we planned a small party with a few close friends (6 children of neighbours that he plays with a lot and his best friend from school who he has known since he was a baby). Nobody has shown up Sad

This isn't the first time this has happened, his 5th birthday we invited a few kids from school and he spent the entire afternoon sat at the window waiting for his friends to arrive Sad

I feel awful for him, but he doesn't seem to mind, he is happily playing with dh and his new scalectric set.

All the people we invited rsvped that they would come, but none of them are home (I have been over to their houses and knocked and spoken to best friends mum who says he is too tired to come Hmm)

I know it's silly and he is happy but I feel like my boy deserves better and I'm sad for him that his birthday party has gone to pot AGAIN.

To top it off exh (my dcs dad) hasn't so much as texted to wish him a happy birthday. He is supposed to take him out for the day without his sisters tomorrow and hasn't made any arrangements for this. Ds hasn't noticed (probably because exh is a knob and never bothers to call on their birthdays) but it's still just shit isn't it?

Aibu? I know that he doesn't care, but I feel sad on his behalf Confused

OP posts:
Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 01/11/2014 15:42

I'm so angry on your and your DS behalf.

I'm pleased that your DS isn't bothered by today's events but the rude behaviour of everyone else is unforgiveable.

To have 1 person not turn up is ok but to have 7 not attend is awful and bloody rude.

As an afterthought - you did put the right time/date on the invitations didn't you??? I'm not meaning to be rude to you but it's one hell of a coincidence that all 7 fail to attend.

Anyhow glad your DS is oblivious to all this - I'd be planning my revenge on every selfish parent who had dare to snub my beloved child

Ratracerunner · 01/11/2014 15:46

YANBU. There are some rude thoughtless people about. It's easy to ignore when I affects adults, but when it comes to kids, you just think - how could they? So unkind.

Guitargirl · 01/11/2014 15:48

I would also be very upset and making sure each and every one of the fuckers who hasn't bothered to show up knows how crap they have been. Especially as this happened last year too. Were they the same invitees last year? Did you do party bags? I have been known to kill no shows with kindness in the past and have handed over a party bag when have seen them next at school. They at least had the grace to look shame-faced about it. If your son enjoys days out then I would be planning an absolutely fabulous 8th birthday day out for him.

5madthings · 01/11/2014 15:51

Oh your poor wee boy. How can people be so cruel :(

I am glad he is having a good day still. Happy Birthday to him.

We did the Bella Italia product test yesterday! Great bday treat.

I have no wise suggestions other than not remaining friends with those who have let your son down. It's the adults who piss me off, they are being rude and mean!

Fwiw my ds4 is in a class with some children on the autistic spectrum and one of them had a party, ds4 was wary as this boy has upset him at times. But I have made it clear to ds4 that he is just learning, like he is. And all people have things they find hard and all people are different and you should be nice to everyone. I also pointed put the things they have in common etc. I haven't gone as far as explaining about autism as he is only 6 but we do talk about differences etc. He went to the party and all had a lovely time.

Marcipex · 01/11/2014 15:55

I hope they are on here reading what people think of them.

What a bunch of arses.

Original poster
JamaicanMeCrazy · 01/11/2014 16:04

I don't think it has anything to do with his aspergers tbh, his bf has known him since they were babies, I have been friends with his mum since I was in my early teens, so they know him very well.

The neighbours also have known him for a long time and play with him and dd1 every day and are in school with him.

I can't exactly stop associating with the neighbours, the kids will play with them anyway and they have playdates with them frequently. I hope they do have good excuses, but at the same time I hope nothing bad has happened Confused

OP posts:
Nonie241419 · 01/11/2014 16:10

It's very rubbish. My son has hfa and although other children come to his birthday things, he's not been invited to a party for 4 years. It makes me really sad, and cross, that the parents who let their children come don't make sure it's reciprocated.

peppapigonaloop · 01/11/2014 16:10

What is wrong with people?? How rude and unkind. It sounds like you are a fab mum who has made his bday lovely anyway but I would be fuming at these so called friends if I were you what horrid behaviour!

SASASI · 01/11/2014 16:10

That's really very sad & so so cruel.
I'm glad he is still having a lovely birthday despite the royal lack of manners & respect from the other parents /guests.

My dad has fibromyalgia so I totally understand the effort you made for your sons birthday.

I would give the parents a 'conversational dig' the next time I seen otherwise concentrate on your lovely family.

Greyhound · 01/11/2014 16:11

That is sinfully mean SadAngry

Bless him...

fluffling · 01/11/2014 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LizzieVereker · 01/11/2014 16:19

This always used to happen to one of my DS1's friends at a similar age. He has an ASD too. People would RSVP yes, and then only DS and I would turn up. On one memorable birthday DS and his buddy had full run of soft play and ate about 4 party teas each! DS's buddy never seemed to mind too much, but his Mum would be terribly upset.

They are teens now, and have a nice group of friends, the lad in question is not left out at all, he's very popular. I hope it gets better for your boy too Thanks

LizzieVereker · 01/11/2014 16:20

So sorry, meant to say Happy Birthday!!! Cake to your lovely DS.

blanklook · 01/11/2014 16:21

Oh that's a dreadful way for people to behave towards your poor ds and you. It's also a dreadful thing to teach their children that it's okay to behave like that. Sad Flowers

They could have said a plain no if they didn't want to come, even yesterday they all said they'd attend, but as for today all of them being out bar one whose ds was 'too tired' it's despicable behaviour, it's beyond contempt. Was there another event at the same time that the others went to?

I'd definitely say something to the parents and I'd have a word with his teacher at school, this is the sort of thing school bullies love to broadcast and use to tease, 'look at x, no-one came to his party' etc.

Well done your dh for making your ds' day a lovely one and the Bella Italia breakfast sounds lovely. All your hard work with the food will be great for packed lunches but I do realise how much effort you've put in and would be as devastated as you are on dc's behalf.

It's the parents' loss and it will have knock-on repercussions for them, they've shown themselves in their true colours, I'm sure it won't go unnoticed in your community how selfish and uncaring and more that group of parents are.

ItsNotEasyBeingGreenAndWarty · 01/11/2014 16:22

This is awful and these parents are passing on their bad manners to their children. You RSVP in the affirmative, then you go unless there's a family emergency or your sick!

Original poster
JamaicanMeCrazy · 01/11/2014 16:41

I think the thing that annoys me the most is that there are only 10 houses in our street! They really have disappointed me today Sad

5madthings I have explained to ds about his autism in a very child friendly way- I told him that his brain works a bit differently to most people (and that is okay!!) and that is why sometimes he doesn't know how to talk to people and why he sometimes gets upset but doesn't always know why. His classmates are fab with him, and seem to understand that he can sometimes find it difficult to get social cues. Smile

Thanks to all of you for replying, ds is having a lovely day despite all the no shows

OP posts:
TimeWarp · 01/11/2014 16:51

If it's any comfort I think having ASD can be a blessing in these circumstances. At DS's last party we invited all the boys in the class, about 9 said they were coming at the time that I confirmed numbers at the venue (a week before) and by 24 hrs before there were only about 5 still able to come. Then, for various reasons, all but one dropped out at the last minute. At least they told me they weren't coming (although I was a bit Hmm at the one who cancelled 10 mins before the start because they'd had a busy week and the child wanted to spend more time with his parents).

I was quite upset (I had to wear my sunglasses indoors because my eyes were leaking a little), but DS was very chilled about it and had a good time with the one child who did turn up. Even now, six months later, he just thinks it's an interesting story and remembers that there was lots and lots of cake left over for him.

5madthings · 01/11/2014 16:54

Yes I have explained about people's brains and bodies all working differently in relation to disabilities and all people being different. but not explicitly used the term autistic to ds4. Partly as I am not sure he himself has the social skills to not say something about it iyswim? In the way that kids can do.

It's something we do talk about and actually ds2 is waiting on a referral for asd tendencies, we saw camhs when he was younger but as he is getting older more issues are cropping up.

I just try and teach my kids to be nice! Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself is my mantra. And people are all different that is the beauty of life!

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 01/11/2014 17:21

Are you sure you put the right time etc on the invites? It does seem a bit of a coincidence that nobody showed up.

I would definitely be sending out a text, along the lines of 'I wish you could have let me know that you weren't coming. Obviously I have gone to a lot of trouble with food etc and ds is very disappointed that yet again all his friends have let him down.' Nice and PA. Gits. I'm so sorry for you. Nothing hurts like your children's disappointments.

addictedtobass · 01/11/2014 17:22

I'm sorry OP, some people are just so rude. Sadly, their DC will end up being the same.

angelohsodelight · 01/11/2014 17:25

Bastards. I think you should text everyone a sickly sweet text checking they are ok as they failed to turn up.

dinodino27 · 01/11/2014 17:29

This is outrageous. I am upset at one family not showing for dd bday I cannot understand why several people would say there were turning up and not . It is just odd- they have the problem not you

CrabbyTheCrabster · 01/11/2014 17:34

My first reaction was Angry Angry Angry on your behalf at what utter fuckwits they are to have let your DS down like this.

Thinking about it though, it does seem odd that nobody turned up. Did you send out invitations and if so can you check the date (I know you said it's easy to remember but people don't always have the party on the actual birthday)? If the date is right, I'd definitely send a group text/email to find out what the fuck is going on. Are these people normally so unreliable?

Original poster
JamaicanMeCrazy · 01/11/2014 17:43

Adorabelle I spoke to them all yesterday, we were trick or treating with them and they definitely knew.

Their cars are back now, but I don't want to speak to them all yet, I will leave it til tomorrow, we all walk to school together so will speak then. This is what is so upsetting, they are people who we see every day not just parents of kids at school, but people who I would consider friends Hmm

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 01/11/2014 17:52

What a disgusting thing to do, esp when they are your neighbours