AIBU to think that it is not my fault that DSD is pregnant?

[zeezeek]

DH and I have been married for 24 years now and have 2 DD. He's 20 years older than me and was married before and has 2 DC from that marriage and another DD from a relationship that he was in when we met. He split up with her because he wanted to be with me, but didn't know that the ex was pregnant.

When he found out he supported the child financially and saw her whenever her mother "allowed". I think the mother quite liked her DD spending time with us because at the time we didn't think I would be able to have children and she was very smug about the fact that she had a child with my DH. There was, obviously, also a lot of bitterness between her and DH. However, my DSD is absolutely lovely and a couple of years ago moved to the town where we live to do her post graduate degree. Since then she has spent a lot of time with us and our DC and always comes with us to Sweden when we visit DH's other children and family. About 18 months ago she started seeing someone from her course - he is a post-doc and so a few years older than her, but he's a good man and they are very much in love. But her mother disapproved of the relationship, though we don't know why and that has caused DSD to drift away from her mother and, as a consequence, and because we are nearer, she has seen more of DH and I. We've had her mother make numerous abusive calls to us, accusing us of brainwashing her daughter, which we ignore and haven't told DSD.

She announced last week that she is 8 weeks pregnant. It was an accident, but they are both thrilled and although it means that she is now going to have to postpone her studies for a while, she has every intention of going back to them as soon as she is able.

Anyway, she told her mother and got the predicted response. Then her mother started calling me (not DH!) and accusing me of turning her daughter into a slut and a whore like I am and driving a wedge between them; I am also apparently jealous of her because she had my DH when he was younger and better looking (!) and she had a child with him first without no trouble, whilst it took me years to conceive. Actually as he was married and had children before he met either of us, that's not true. In the last couple of days there have been 50 calls to my personal and work mobiles and our land line, and she has also tried to get through to me on my work number (I'm not in the office at the moment so I imagine that there are several voicemails waiting for me). Yesterday I am convinced that I saw her following me - but as it has been about 10 years since I saw the woman I am not sure.

DH is being dismissive of the whole thing and saying that she was always a nutter and that's why he left her. DSD knows nothing about any of this as she is still upset at being called a whore by her mother - she genuinely thought she'd be happy about the baby.

It does seem that DSD's pregnancy has sparked an escalation in her behaviour and I honestly can't see how it is my fault that a 23 year old intelligent, educated woman is pregnant by her long term partner. Or am I totally wrong and it is me?

Well, DSD's mother visited her in hospital (she was admitted with HG) and there is a slight thawing in her attitude....she hasn't apologised though and admits that her first thought when she heard her DD was in hospital was relief that she'd had a miscarriage...

So long way to go!

Dsd is 23 shes not 14!! Ffs looney women. Text her to back off or you'll get police involved.

I had my first at 23.... It'll be right.

Christ what a vile woman !

Poor dsd.

She's shrugging it off at the moment and pleased at the partial thawing, but knows it could go either way.

I'm pretty sure she's still following me though - but not sure as I only catch glimpses....not that I'm paranoid or anything lol.

ffs zeek please report this to the police! you can't have this woman following you fgs!

I would, but I can't prove it and I don't want to cause DSD anymore problems, especially as there is the beginnings of a change in her attitude. I've spoken to DH and he's torn between wanting to protect me and not wanting to make things worse for his DD. I can't say I'm frightened of her - but I do find it creepy and don't understand why she wants to follow me.

Please do report it. it is a rather worrying escalation of behaviour. It is quite possible that she will thaw towards DSD and get worse towards you.

You can report it pretty low key, but ask for a flag on you mobile number and advice on what to do if she confronts you.

I may well do that, thanks mummytime. DH thinks I'm overreacting, but I'm convinced that I'm right and she is following me. I've been at a conference yesterday and today - only about an hour away from home, but an overnight stay, and I swear she was in the audience as I gave my presentation this morning. My presence at the conference was well advertised within my field, but someone outside of it would have to search for it. It's really disconcerting, especially as my own husband is dismissing me and saying that I am imagining it. Obviously as I was speaking I couldn't take a photo or anything, but I did look for her after that session so I could take one to prove that it was really happening - but I didn't see her. It's starting to cause problems in my marriage now and we're arguing about her and he's making me feel like I'm some silly little woman who scares easily and for no reason...and that's not like him at all. I can only conclude that he's feeling stressed by it all as well - I know that DSD has spoken to him today as she's had another abusive phone call and they are back to square one.

I worry about how your DH is just dismissing you even though you are the one being targeted. I don't think he truly thinks you are imagining does he, he just wants it to go away. Which is bloody selfish and unfair. You report away. Don't even tell him what you are reporting if he's going to be like that about it. I'm sorry it has come to this, I do hope things get better for you.

MonstrousRatbag - thanks. I have and the PCSO said they were going to have a word. I am a bit pissed at DH as he has been acting like a git over this - very unusual for him. He seems to think that because he's dismissed her as a nutter, and harmless but irritating, then I should as well. Unfortunately, he doesn't quite get it - there was something very menacing in some of her messages to me.

I am a bit pissed at DH as he has been acting like a git over this - very unusual for him.

I don't know - you've said he was a git in the past. I agree with a previous poster who seemed to think that a lot of this could be laid at his door. He hasn't handled any of his relationships well.

My love, that conference thing is terrifying! If you are due to attend anything else, is there a way to warn ticket sales?

the thing with stalkers is that if it takes 500 times of doing something to get to you, it doesnt' make them think on the 4th or 5th time they call or whatever that 'aw, perhaps this is too much, I'd better give it a rest now' No, it tells them that they need to repeat whatever it is 500 PLUS times to get to you.

Get the police involved asap, the PCSO is a start, but you need to report every single incident. get every sighting logged. with any luck she has a smart phone and if needs be, they can pull her records and prove her locations.

she is a stalker, she is unhinged and as such is potentially dangerous, not least to your mental health.

read your H the riot act and tell him to get on board sharpish, this is not a joking matter any more.

This may seem like a bit of a dramatic and expensive suggestion but I would think about getting a private investigator involved so you have some actual proof she is following you.

I can't think of any other way to prove it and to put your mind at rest while someone else watches out for you. With some proof in your hands you can move forward and get some legal advice.

I thought about recommending that too.

this needs to be dealt with. sledgehammer to crack a nut tbh, but the faster this compulsive and disturbing behaviour is stopped, the sooner she'll get the help she needs.

this woman isn't safe to be alowed to do this.

Been following this thread Im appalled at the way this woman has been behaving and i think the reason your H is minimising it is because he would have to admit that his past behaviour has contributed to all this. Although the ex is completely responsible for her own actions.

The lack of support from yr h would be a deal breaker for me.

Thanks for not telling me I'm overreacting. It is definitely putting a strain on our marriage and DSD and her DP were over here for lunch earlier and noticed that something was wrong. DH just unhelpfully said something about me being scared of my own shadow. It was quite awkward and he did kind of hint that I'm being irrational because of her mother and we have both been trying hard to keep her out of all of this.

I've got another conference - this time in ROI - for a few days next week. I'm going with a colleague who is also a good friend and she has been with me when I thought I saw this woman and also she's heard some of the messages, so it'll be nice to have some moral support.

if there is a chance that woman is going to show up, you need to get your friend to help you.

if you can see into the auditorium, or watch people going in, then alert her to who this person is and get her to photograph her

have you got those messages stored? the police need to hear them, and she needs to give a witness statement I think.

there's a stalking help line somewhere.

your H has a flaming fucking cheek... any normal H would be really worried that someone that he has identified as a "nutter" is apparently following his wife/mother of his child.

seriously, you need to haul him up by the bollocks and sit your dsd down and tell her, in case she's in the sights next.

this is way past NOT NORMAL!

your H is 20yrs older than you.

he fucks this relationship up... how exactly does he think he'll manage to pull someone to look after him in his old age... hmm?

he needs a massive truckload of MANTHEFUCKUP

He said you are scared of your own shadow.

Hes victim blaming to boot!!!!!

Hissy - he is, yes and this is his second marriage and longest ever relationship!

I don't want my DDs to know what's going on and I certainly don't want DSD worried and stressed as she's had a rough time so far in this pregnancy.

He's never really had to cope with much in the way of stress so far in his life (lucky bastard), so I can see that he is struggling to cope with this situation.

I have to be honest, I am quite looking forward to getting away from him for the next few days. Also have been in touch with a friend in Sweden (his exW!!) and we're planning on taking the DDs to Stockholm for a few days when we're over there for Christmas. It just seems that everytime we're alone together we argue about her. It feels so unnatural for our relationship to be like this.

he's not struggling! he's ignoring the fact that his ex is terrorising his dd and his dw!

scared of your own shadow? wtaf?

your dsd could be at risk. ok if you can't talk to her, talk to him, her OH, they need to know!

Actually, yes, talking to her OH would be a good idea. He's a good man and would be able to look after DSD and make sure she's ok.

As for DH. I don't know what to do. He's out tonight and won't be back until late as he's on a pub quiz team (bunch of retired academics like him) so they tend to stay in the pub til closing time. which means DH will be doing the school run with a hangover.