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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that it is not my fault that DSD is pregnant?

149 replies

zeezeek · 31/10/2014 12:36

DH and I have been married for 24 years now and have 2 DD. He's 20 years older than me and was married before and has 2 DC from that marriage and another DD from a relationship that he was in when we met. He split up with her because he wanted to be with me, but didn't know that the ex was pregnant.

When he found out he supported the child financially and saw her whenever her mother "allowed". I think the mother quite liked her DD spending time with us because at the time we didn't think I would be able to have children and she was very smug about the fact that she had a child with my DH. There was, obviously, also a lot of bitterness between her and DH. However, my DSD is absolutely lovely and a couple of years ago moved to the town where we live to do her post graduate degree. Since then she has spent a lot of time with us and our DC and always comes with us to Sweden when we visit DH's other children and family. About 18 months ago she started seeing someone from her course - he is a post-doc and so a few years older than her, but he's a good man and they are very much in love. But her mother disapproved of the relationship, though we don't know why and that has caused DSD to drift away from her mother and, as a consequence, and because we are nearer, she has seen more of DH and I. We've had her mother make numerous abusive calls to us, accusing us of brainwashing her daughter, which we ignore and haven't told DSD.

She announced last week that she is 8 weeks pregnant. It was an accident, but they are both thrilled and although it means that she is now going to have to postpone her studies for a while, she has every intention of going back to them as soon as she is able.

Anyway, she told her mother and got the predicted response. Then her mother started calling me (not DH!) and accusing me of turning her daughter into a slut and a whore like I am and driving a wedge between them; I am also apparently jealous of her because she had my DH when he was younger and better looking (!) and she had a child with him first without no trouble, whilst it took me years to conceive. Actually as he was married and had children before he met either of us, that's not true. In the last couple of days there have been 50 calls to my personal and work mobiles and our land line, and she has also tried to get through to me on my work number (I'm not in the office at the moment so I imagine that there are several voicemails waiting for me). Yesterday I am convinced that I saw her following me - but as it has been about 10 years since I saw the woman I am not sure.

DH is being dismissive of the whole thing and saying that she was always a nutter and that's why he left her. DSD knows nothing about any of this as she is still upset at being called a whore by her mother - she genuinely thought she'd be happy about the baby.

It does seem that DSD's pregnancy has sparked an escalation in her behaviour and I honestly can't see how it is my fault that a 23 year old intelligent, educated woman is pregnant by her long term partner. Or am I totally wrong and it is me?

OP posts:
ApprenticeViper · 31/10/2014 13:52

I was on Alice's wavelength too, thinking this was going to be about a 16 year old!

The ex is clearly harrassing you and I would have no qualms about involving the police, before it gets any worse.

It's totally not your fault, and congratulations on your first grandchild! Flowers

MimiSunshine · 31/10/2014 13:53

Make allowances for the ex? It was TWENTYFOUR years ago. I'm sorry but almost 2.5 decades later is far too long to be able to claim 'wronged woman' vitriol rights.

The OP Hasn't said the timescales for all anyone knows, she met her DH and he decided she was the woman for him, he left straight away then months later ex finds out she is pregnant.

But its beside the point, the ex is harassing the OP and verbally abusing her DD (who would be wise to distance herself from her in that case), the history shouldn't come into it.

OP i'd do as suggested, give one written warning that you will report the harassment if it doesn't stop and then follow through without engaging further. Support your DSD within the boundaries of your existing relationship and try to ignore the people who believe once an OW always an OW no matter what the ex's behaviour.

sparechange · 31/10/2014 13:57

Pinky, she states quite clearly in her original post that she was the OW but her DH didn't know the ex was pregnant when he left her

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 31/10/2014 14:02

Mary, I agree with a lot of what you say. I just think we have to be careful to avoid too many assumptions about op's past in trying to understand how the mum must be feeling today.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 31/10/2014 14:02

Finding the news hard is one thing, that would be understandable, have a cry and have a good old whinge over a bottle of wine with a mate. Harrassing your ex-boyfriend's wife to this extent is a completely different kettle of unhinged fish. I agree with everyone else - send a single message saying that you do not want to have any further contact with her, and will be involving the police if she does not desist harrassing you.

WooWooOwl · 31/10/2014 14:24

How the mother feels is irrelevant, if she's hurting over something that happened decades ago, she needs to get over it. It's more likely to be jealousy that hurt anyway.

People get hurt over things all the time, it doesn't make them start harassing people who have nothing to do with the situation.

Start keeping a record of all the calls and abuse you're getting, and take it to the police.

Maki79 · 31/10/2014 14:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

ScarletFever · 31/10/2014 14:31

my first thought when i saw the title:
AIBU to think that it is not my fault that DSD is pregnant?
no, unless you impregnated her...

Original poster
zeezeek · 31/10/2014 14:31

MimiSunshine - that's exactly what happened. He discovered that she was pregnant with DSD when she was 6 months gone. By then we were already engaged.

I'm not really sure how relevant it is how we got together, but basically he was my PhD supervisor and I was 21 at the time and a bit vulnerable as I'd lost my fiance when I was 19 and had just been diagnosed with cancer. He did tell me pretty soon that he was seeing someone casually, but that it was over and at that age I didn't really think anything of it.

Anyway, we've been together a long time and although he was a bit of a serial shagger in the past, as far as I know he's been faithful! Or just got better at hiding it Grin.

Thanks for your support. DH is being a bit of a dick about this and refusing to see why it's bothering me. He thinks I should just dismiss her as a nutter like he has and, to be honest, to some extent I have over the years; but this is making me worried because I don't want DSD to find out and I don't want my own DDs to get in the middle of anything. Will talk to DH tonight.

I suppose I can see why she's acting this way. DSD is her only child and she hasn't really had a lasting relationship since DH left. I do get the feeling that she felt that he was the one, but he never felt that way about her. She was very needy in the early days and he really doesn't like neediness in anyone, although he was fab when I had cancer and has been an amazing DH and DF.

Also, I can see similarities between DSD and her DP's relationship and mine and DH's - she's also a PhD student and although her DP isn't her supervisor, he's in a more senior role in the same department. She's very young, he's a bit older. As far as I know they were both single when they got together - but I can see that this might rake up memories for her.

OP posts:
CheeseToastie123 · 31/10/2014 14:47

Your PhD supervisor? Good grief.

MimiSunshine · 31/10/2014 14:57

zeezeek Sounds like it was a bit messy back then (massive understatement from the ex's POV) but what's done is done and it was a long time ago.
Nothing justifies todays behaviour so don't get drawn on that by the ex or anyone.

Talk to you DH and tell him you are giving her written warning but you want his support in it as you are worried about it not stopping and the impact on your DD's and especially what DSD could continue to go though with her mother if she doesnt stop, make amends and support her DD through this exciting but scary / emotional time.

You may not tell DSD what's going but that doesn't mean her mum wont verbally abuse and bad mouth you to her.

Original poster
zeezeek · 31/10/2014 15:00

MimiSunshine - suppose it was messy tbh and I was feeling pretty self-centred at the time due to the cancer and so on, so probably didn't pay attention to any potential inconsistencies - but it is a long time ago, as you said and hardly relevant now.

We're going out to dinner tonight - DSD is babysitting! So will talk about it then.

I should imagine I have been bitched about by her, yes; but at present DSD is refusing to have any contact with her mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeezeek · 31/10/2014 15:01

CheeseToastie123 - yeah, I know. How predictable. He wasn't the traditional supervisor, that's all I can say Grin

OP posts:
lacksdirection · 31/10/2014 15:06

When the xp calls you and accuses you and your DH of brainwashing your DSD, in what way does she think her DD has been brainwashed?

lacksdirection · 31/10/2014 15:07

Have the abusive phone calls stepped up since your DSD cut her mother off?

Original poster
zeezeek · 31/10/2014 15:17

lacksdirection - she thinks that DH and I have turned DSD against her mother. It's not true, but it's possible that DSD has made comments in the past about how well DH and his exW get on, her extended family in Sweden etc. (she's English). We just wanted her to feel part of our family.

Yes they have. But they are only aimed at me - never DH. Could it be that she is still in love with him? After 24 years???

OP posts:
patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 31/10/2014 15:19

If your dsd is a nice woman, well-educated, with a decent partner and having a baby and she is like you according to her own mum, I'd say that for a slut and a whore you've done a very good job.

happy step-grandmothering!

nooka · 31/10/2014 15:25

People can hold hurt for a long time, or pain can resurface, so her feelings of upset and anger may be very real and indeed quite justified. It does sound as if your DH was a bit of a bastard all those years ago, and that the current situation has a lot of similarities, although your DSD is older and her boyfriend is not her supervisor (your dh now might well have been sacked for gross misconduct). But it was a very long time ago, and does not justify her behaviour now.

I think that a letter from a solicitor or a visit from the police might be a good idea really, as this is very extreme. I also think it would be a good idea for your dsd to try and build bridges with her mother, but obviously that is her choice.

diddl · 31/10/2014 15:33

She has reacted terribly both to you & her daughter.

She does seem to be very much the odd one out though.

Her daughter is part of your family & part of the family that your husband has with his ex wife.

She's the one who was dumped whilst pregnant!

Doesn't excuse her of course, but now that her daughter is pregnant & she'll have her own family she must feel that she's losing her now.

Monathevampire1 · 31/10/2014 15:46

Your DSD is a fully functioning adult in her mid to late 20s. There is absolutely no reason why you or DH need any contact with her mother. Just block her number on every phone and her email from your accounts.

Original poster
zeezeek · 31/10/2014 16:43

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe - thanks!!

She's currently dressing my two up in witches outfits ready for trick or treating tonight....so she is my hero at the moment!!

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 31/10/2014 16:45

Call the police. She has every reason to be disappointed even if no one else nor her DD is...

she's not seriously accusing you of whoring your DSD out or something equally ridiculous is she? Shock

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2014 16:46

Obviously Yanbu at all, but I have to say I think 23 is young to be having a
kid. My sister was 26 when she got pg and we were all like omg, how will she cope etc.

In very general terms, I don't blame any mother for feeling a bit 'yikes' when their 23 year old dd gets pregnant. That doesn't excuse harrassment of course.

CheeseToastie123 · 31/10/2014 18:31

To be fair, my former supervisor inspired the occasional pleasing daydream, but is annoyingly happily married. Smile

No advice re: the ex, but I think I would let DSD know, in a gentle way, in case she gets dragged into it further down the line.

gentlehoney · 31/10/2014 18:53

How can your step-daughter be twenty-three if you have been married for twenty-four years? Have I misunderstood something?

It sounds like her daughter's pregnancy has opened old wounds and maybe triggered some sort of breakdown. I feel very sorry for her. Is there someone you are both close to who can offer her support and help her to seek treatment if she needs it?

How much of the strange behaviour is your daughter aware of?