AIBU to think that it is not my fault that DSD is pregnant?

[zeezeek]

DH and I have been married for 24 years now and have 2 DD. He's 20 years older than me and was married before and has 2 DC from that marriage and another DD from a relationship that he was in when we met. He split up with her because he wanted to be with me, but didn't know that the ex was pregnant.

When he found out he supported the child financially and saw her whenever her mother "allowed". I think the mother quite liked her DD spending time with us because at the time we didn't think I would be able to have children and she was very smug about the fact that she had a child with my DH. There was, obviously, also a lot of bitterness between her and DH. However, my DSD is absolutely lovely and a couple of years ago moved to the town where we live to do her post graduate degree. Since then she has spent a lot of time with us and our DC and always comes with us to Sweden when we visit DH's other children and family. About 18 months ago she started seeing someone from her course - he is a post-doc and so a few years older than her, but he's a good man and they are very much in love. But her mother disapproved of the relationship, though we don't know why and that has caused DSD to drift away from her mother and, as a consequence, and because we are nearer, she has seen more of DH and I. We've had her mother make numerous abusive calls to us, accusing us of brainwashing her daughter, which we ignore and haven't told DSD.

She announced last week that she is 8 weeks pregnant. It was an accident, but they are both thrilled and although it means that she is now going to have to postpone her studies for a while, she has every intention of going back to them as soon as she is able.

Anyway, she told her mother and got the predicted response. Then her mother started calling me (not DH!) and accusing me of turning her daughter into a slut and a whore like I am and driving a wedge between them; I am also apparently jealous of her because she had my DH when he was younger and better looking (!) and she had a child with him first without no trouble, whilst it took me years to conceive. Actually as he was married and had children before he met either of us, that's not true. In the last couple of days there have been 50 calls to my personal and work mobiles and our land line, and she has also tried to get through to me on my work number (I'm not in the office at the moment so I imagine that there are several voicemails waiting for me). Yesterday I am convinced that I saw her following me - but as it has been about 10 years since I saw the woman I am not sure.

DH is being dismissive of the whole thing and saying that she was always a nutter and that's why he left her. DSD knows nothing about any of this as she is still upset at being called a whore by her mother - she genuinely thought she'd be happy about the baby.

It does seem that DSD's pregnancy has sparked an escalation in her behaviour and I honestly can't see how it is my fault that a 23 year old intelligent, educated woman is pregnant by her long term partner. Or am I totally wrong and it is me?

i would be very upset if my dd got pregnant, more upset than my married friends would be. i would be devastated for her, because I know what it's like. I feel sorry for the woman, it's like her dd has been absorbed in to the OP's family. You'd want to have a heart of stone not to understand why she is angry. But I feel sorry for the oP too. Her h sounds like a bit of a cavalier player with children with three different mothers, and he is so much older than the OP.

like somebody else said though, a daughter's pregnancy can stir up memories of your own first pregnancy (i didn't know that actually but it makes sense). Thinking about it, if my daughter got 'absorbed' in to x's new family and then got pregnant by an older man she'd met through the 'new family' in his country not my own, then that would be incredibly hard. Because the 24 years ago isn't the point, it's the future too. It must be like it never goes away. Here comes another few decades of being on the sidelines.

I never contact my x or his gf though. Never. whatever I think of them or their decisions or behaviour I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of being visibly inconvenienced. So, although my behaviour is a totally different way of dealing with things I thik I can empathise with the step daughter's mother's feelings of marginalisation.

She's referring to her daughter (your D.S.D) because she is pregnant. Is this women actually for real. How did she concieve her daughter though the emaculate conception.
She's 23 years of age ffs, not 13. How is it your fault.
No you're not be unreasonable.
Also what did her mother think she was doing with her b.f. Playing monopoly.

Line one missed the word whore out on 1st line

Sinister thats the "i dont want him anymore but i dont want anyone else to have him either" type of behaviour.

I can't believe anyone is defending a woman who is hugely distressing and stressing her 23 year old daughter in the early weeks of an unplanned first pregnancy.

She "might be very upset" by events that occurred decades ago, which were out of her child's control, and much of which happened before her child was even born? And that means everyone should feel sorry for her toxic behaviour to her only child at a very vulnerable time?

Stalking isn't excusable or explicable. Yes, what happened was awful, yes, it must have screwed her up and yes I am sorry for her, but none of that justifies her abusive behaviour towards her own child - and the foetus she is carrying, for that matter.

Sod the older generation - why is this woman being given a pass on abusive harassment of her own pregnant child, and a couple of primary aged girls? She's an adult and a mother. There are no excuses. And if DSD were posting here with these facts she'd be getting the advice that her mother is toxic and she should seriously contemplate cutting contact. Why is it so different when a step-mother is posting?

Sorry this is OT, but I understand OP, I feel for Ex, (even though her behaviour deplorable) feel bad for pregnant SD...but the dh is the one I dislike most! OP herself called him a dick, he has three baby mammas, exploited OP while she was in vulnerable position yet calls the ex a nutter but keeps on shagging her until he finds someone else. Tells OP to blow the situation off until it involves his kids.

Who would even want someone like this? He sounds like the nutter to me.

Mexican - well you did answer the question about being being a single mother in response to Romeyroo to justify your opinion.

Of course we treat the dysfunctional like everyone else with regards to the outcomes of their behaviour. But actually I do think as a society we do understand that the child who has suffered sexual, physical or emotional abuse is at risk of becoming an abusing adult don't we?

Last post sounded a bit heavy in this context.
Actually the Op appears to be understanding of the ex.

I get that the DSD is 23 but she doesn't have a stable set up as such and has been with the father ( who is older so maybe is at a different life stage)only 18 months. Added to which the op is very supportive and can't see why this situation could be a problem. Maybe because she had the happy ending though? Statistically the ex is right and this won't end well.

But actually I do think as a society we do understand that the child who has suffered sexual, physical or emotional abuse is at risk of becoming an abusing adult don't we?

The ex's childhood is not known and is a complete red herring, telling as your raising the issue is. The events seen as excusing current behaviour occurred when she was a grown woman. The only children in this equation are her daughter, also a grown woman but only 23 and vulnerable, two little girls present when she decided to throw a colossal tantrum, and her foetal grandchild.

As a society I think we understand that grown women should not be infantalised when discussing their behaviours, especially behaviours to genuine children.

Op
It doesn't matter how well in the past you did or didn't treat her. She likely would still have taken great offence. Nothing excuses her behaviour in the present, imo.

She's a grown adult making childish choices. Treat her civily for dsd but stop analysing how she might feel or why. You actually have no idea. It won't get you further or mean she likes you.
It sounds like you're doing your best. That's all you should remain doing.

Best of luck in future x

Why does she have to postpone her studies at all? Many of us continue to work whilst pregnant. No need to throw her life away over this baby. Instead the parents can pay for childcare and the mother can continue her studies without interruption surely? Or why not the man mind the baby. I hope they are not in a sexist relationship where is it assumed women do childcare!

I'm relieved to hear you've been to the police, I do think you need to tell your step daughter, do it gently so she knows this was probably coming and not her fault. That way she can decide if she needs to go down the same path.

My mum behaved similarly to her mum when I was pregnant, it made what should have been a wonderful exciting time awful, I look back with such sadness at that time. However, the few who extended their kindness made such a difference. So be excited for her, keep in extra contact and make bump feel wanted and loved by your family. It's a special time she won't get back

I do have sympathy for her mother but you can't go round behaving like that and you certainly shouldn't behave like that towards your pregnant daughter.

I feel little sympathy for the mother of the DSD . 23 is not that young to have a child , possibly nowadays with everyone expecting some sort of extended childhood it is seen that way.
I had my first child at 23 , over 20 years ago , it wasn't the dark ages , I went back to work , my child went to a childminders and then I went to university and re-trained when he started school , as a single parent .
Calling anyone a whore is bad enough , but calling your own adult offspring it simply because she has had the good fortune to get pregnant beggars belief .

Mexican, sorry it has taken me a while to get back. I understood your comment that if the DH had left her when she was pg, she knowingly opted to be a single mum, as a comment that she could have had an abortion. If I misunderstood, then I apologise.

I stepped away from this thread because it was hard to engage with; my own mother was seriously abusive, including when I was pregnant; but on the other hand, I have also been left for OW when I had a new baby, and I wouldn't dream of acting the way the mum in the OP has. But the situation is emotive, yes.

The % difference of abused people who go onto be abusers compared to non abused people who are abusers is very small.

Have I missed that the ex was abused?

revealall - you probably do have a point. I see my DSD and her DP together and think "what a great future they will have together" because in my own experience I have the happy marriage and children (and I am sorry if that sounds smug - it's not meant to but just illustrating the point). My DH's ex, however, had a relationship with a man who wasn't particularly serious about her, got pregnant, lost the man, found out she was pregnant and brought the child up alone and struggled with relationships. I can see that she is reacting the way she is because she is afraid for her daughter. However, her daughter doesn't understand that. As far as she is concerned she was brought up by a strong, independent mother who supported her through everything (until now) and was always gracious and understanding of her need to have a relationship with her DF and the rest of her family. WHilst DH and I may have seen his ex in a different light - her DD never did.

I don't know much about my DSD's maternal grandparents, but I have no reason to believe that they were abusive in any way towards their daughter.

DSD is back from Scotland and seems ok emotionally - physically, however, she is suffering from HG and so has been admitted to hospital. Her DP told her mother and we hope that she will visit her (we'll make sure we're not there at the time).

Wait WHAT?!

You are a slut and a whore for having a baby at 23?!

I hate to say it but that's ridiculous and horrible. Apart from 23 being perfectly old enough for a woman to decide she would like to start having babies unless you are some weird babyphobic nutjob control freak parent, considering your daughter a slut and whore for it?

Eugh. Her issues with her kid run deeper than anything you can affect - YANBU and avoid that woman like the plague.

"No need to throw her life away over this baby."

I can't be bothered to find the name associated with this comment, but...what?!

Having a baby doesn't = throwing one's life away. Bloody hell...

The very existence of this website is proof enough.

OP has enough to deal with at the moment, without having sexual politics spouted at her.