AIBU to think that it is not my fault that DSD is pregnant?

[zeezeek]

DH and I have been married for 24 years now and have 2 DD. He's 20 years older than me and was married before and has 2 DC from that marriage and another DD from a relationship that he was in when we met. He split up with her because he wanted to be with me, but didn't know that the ex was pregnant.

When he found out he supported the child financially and saw her whenever her mother "allowed". I think the mother quite liked her DD spending time with us because at the time we didn't think I would be able to have children and she was very smug about the fact that she had a child with my DH. There was, obviously, also a lot of bitterness between her and DH. However, my DSD is absolutely lovely and a couple of years ago moved to the town where we live to do her post graduate degree. Since then she has spent a lot of time with us and our DC and always comes with us to Sweden when we visit DH's other children and family. About 18 months ago she started seeing someone from her course - he is a post-doc and so a few years older than her, but he's a good man and they are very much in love. But her mother disapproved of the relationship, though we don't know why and that has caused DSD to drift away from her mother and, as a consequence, and because we are nearer, she has seen more of DH and I. We've had her mother make numerous abusive calls to us, accusing us of brainwashing her daughter, which we ignore and haven't told DSD.

She announced last week that she is 8 weeks pregnant. It was an accident, but they are both thrilled and although it means that she is now going to have to postpone her studies for a while, she has every intention of going back to them as soon as she is able.

Anyway, she told her mother and got the predicted response. Then her mother started calling me (not DH!) and accusing me of turning her daughter into a slut and a whore like I am and driving a wedge between them; I am also apparently jealous of her because she had my DH when he was younger and better looking (!) and she had a child with him first without no trouble, whilst it took me years to conceive. Actually as he was married and had children before he met either of us, that's not true. In the last couple of days there have been 50 calls to my personal and work mobiles and our land line, and she has also tried to get through to me on my work number (I'm not in the office at the moment so I imagine that there are several voicemails waiting for me). Yesterday I am convinced that I saw her following me - but as it has been about 10 years since I saw the woman I am not sure.

DH is being dismissive of the whole thing and saying that she was always a nutter and that's why he left her. DSD knows nothing about any of this as she is still upset at being called a whore by her mother - she genuinely thought she'd be happy about the baby.

It does seem that DSD's pregnancy has sparked an escalation in her behaviour and I honestly can't see how it is my fault that a 23 year old intelligent, educated woman is pregnant by her long term partner. Or am I totally wrong and it is me?

Well, back home from dinner early after DSD called in an absolute state as she returned from taking her step-sisters out trick or treating to find her mother waiting for her. She told her that she disowned her (her mother told my DSD that is), the usual, whore, bitch, slag and so on, told her that she wished she had aborted her. She then shouted so much and so loudly at my girls that they ended up hiding upstairs. We got home to find DSD and our other DD's in DD1's bedroom with the dogs as my DD's didn't want to do back downstairs in case the nasty woman came back (they are 6 and 4). DH called the Police and we're going in tomorrow to make a statement about the harassment. We haven't told DSD about that as she's in a very fragile state at the moment and her DP is on the way back from a stag night to be with her. They are going to stay here tonight. Luckily no signs that there's any problems with the baby, but her DP is a trained nurse and is on the look out for any signs of trouble (he's also sober as he doesn't drink).

DH finally taking it seriously and is furious about what has happened tonight. He's no longer dismissing her as a nutter and is acknowledging that there's a problem that needs to be sorted. He's with DSD now. Our DD's are in our bed with me - they are ok, but don't want to be alone.

Have no idea what to do, how to make this better.

How awful for you all. I'm sure you're doing the right thing and I agree you sound lovely. Sensible, level-headed, kind and big-hearted. Take the steps you need to protect your family (including DSD) and keep this woman out of your lives. Hope your DD are okay. Have a

His ex is jealous. In her eyes, you've 'taken' her whole family.

You have her DH and have children with him
You have her DD (her behaviour has made it that way)
You will be 'Grandma' to the new baby (because she's alienated her DD)

She can't hate herself because that would mean admitting she was at fault in these relationships so the easiest thing for her to do is project the hate onto you.

The little ones are asleep in DD1's bed - they didn't want to be apart. I'm with DSD in another bedroom. She's just got to sleep. Her DP is downstairs with DH. I've just logged into my work e-mail (which is published on the Uni website; she doesn't have my personal one) to find one that her mother sent this evening - must have been just before she came over to ours. Usual stuff about how I've turned her daughter into a whore. Will print out tomorrow and show the Police.

Thank you all for being kind. Tonight could have been much worse and it is thanks to my DSD that her sisters didn't see/hear the worst of it.

She may be very young and a pregnancy now may not be planned, or sensible, but it's what has happened and she will be a good mother. She and her DP will hopefully stay with us for a few more days, then, if they want and need to, she has a brother and sister and extended family in Sweden who will give them somewhere else to stay until things blow over.

Ideally, it would be good if her mother apologised because that's all she wants. Whilst DH, her DP and everyone else wants this woman to now fuck off out of everyone's life - it's still her mother and I know she wanted her there for the 12 week scan.

blanklook - it does seem that way....I can't turn back 24 years and do things differently. We both made our decisions based on what was based for DH's children - all of them - from his first marriage and then this relationship. I do realise the DH didn't handle the end of their relationship very well (he was a selfish arsehole), but he was a good father to all his children. Don't know how else any of us could have dealt with this.

What a horrible horrible mess.
It is awful how this has turned out. I only hope everyone gets the support they need.
I don't think the main issue was ever about your DSD being pregnant. Certainly not from where I'm standing.

This is about a woman who has felt utterly betrayed by a man she had a child with and who was previously dismissed as a nutter, for many years. This is about a woman who has now realised she has probably lost everyone that ever meant anything to her and through being unable to express her grief appropriately, has now been left with no one and nothing. This thread has left me feeling very sad indeed.

I hope you all recover from this ordeal and go on with your lives. I have a feeling you will.
I'm not sure his ex will, but I suppose that is not your problem.

Sorry zeezee, I wasn't criticising anyone at all, or suggesting things should have been handled differently, just armchair psycholanalysing out loud bullet pointing what sort of mental state his ex seems to be in and trying to understand how she sees things from her very skewed perspective.

Looks as though she's so eaten up with what she sees as 'loss' or even 'theft' strange as that sounds, that she's alienating everyone. Hope she can get some sound counselling or other therapy to give her a more realistic perspective instead of focusing on being so destructive and nasty.

I hope the police take it seriously and the woman is told to back off - and your DSD gets some peace for the rest of her pregnancy

Sorry to see this has escalated. It is not your fault DSD is pregnant. Whilst the timing is not ideal, I can't see its a huge problem. DSD's mother was entitled to be angry with DH 24 years ago, but in no way does that justify harassing you and scaring your little girls now. Going to the police seems entirely sensible. You sound like a lovely stepmother- I expect DSD will need your support.

This woman does not sound well at all, OP, and as we are all responsible for our own lives, it looks like she has chosen to become an embittered old hag, God help her.

You sound lovely.

blanklook - it's ok, I didn't think you were criticising, but actually you are correct, things should have been handled better a long time ago and DH should have made more of an effort to include his ex in our strange, blended family which already included his ExW and children!

And I could have been a bit more kinder towards her as well.

All calm so far. We've given our statements, so it's in the hands of the Police. They think that she will get a caution. We could have an anti-harassment order taken out against her - but not going that far unless things get worse.

Will just have to see what happens in the next few days. DSD is going to try and speak to her Aunt (her mother's sister) but she's in the Army and not in the country at the moment so it might be a bit difficult - but she has a good relationship with her and her Aunt could act as a mediator between DSD and her mother.

My DDs are completely fine this morning and DSD and her DP have just gone back to their flat. DH seems a bit quiet, but that's to be expected.

I think your DSD could be 30 and be pregnant, I suspect the reaction would be pretty much the same.

Hopefully now she will calm down and apologise to your DSD.

TaliZorahVasNormandy - it's not looking likely. The Police cautioned her today but she immediately got on the phone to her DD and was very abusive towards her and has basically disowned her.

DH tried to talk to her today, but she wouldn't listen. In the end he put the phone down. Don't really know what to do next.

what to do next? nothing tbh. just focus on your family, supporting your h and your dsd.

the ex will have to sort herself out, there really isn't anything anyone can do.

Median, old hag??

Mexican that should read

I can't believe you don't have some empathy for the ex. She was just starting out doing something life changing when she met your now husband. Not only does she then find she's pregnant and has to make life or death choices there but he fucks off with you and then gets engaged to you as well! No bloody wonder she's bitter.
Your choices have impacted her in a very big way whether you think of it like that or not.
I would imagine her child means everything in her world and now history is repeating...disappointed wouldn't cover it.
I don't know what you can do though. Think this is one for her daughter to sort out.

Calling her own DD a whore when she is 23 with a steady boyfriend (or at all, but ykwim) is nothing to do with OP, though.

Being called a whore by your own mother is not something you ever forget either!

revealall it was 24 years ago! There is surely a time to let anger dissipate, however difficult the circumstances of your breakup?

In any case do you really think that sympathy is the appropriate response to someone who is being horrible to their own daughter for behaving in what is not a particularly unusual way, at a time when I am sure she needs support, who is harrassing the OP and her dh for somethign that has nothing to do with them and who turned up and made a truly terrible scene in front of two scared little girls?

Unless the ex is having a mental breakdown (which is possible on the evidence here) then she is behaving very badly indeed.

In her post of 11.10.56, the OP does acknowledge how events in the past could/should have been handled differently and better, revealall.

Wow, difficult one.

Two perspectives on this. She sounds like my mum, and Tali is right, age and circumstances of the pregnancy have nothing to do with it. The mum lost her chance at possibly the career as well as the family she could have had when she found herself a pregnant single mum. Her DD getting pregnant was never going to be easy. Possibly because the DD is at uni and has opportunities, the anger at these being lost is also anger at lots of other things.
Nonetheless, it is not anger properly dealt with; it is abusive and you have no choice but to get the police involved as you did. I would just let things settle at the moment, without rushing to try and sort things. You can't.

Second perspective. My ex DH, DD's dad, left me when she was a baby for OW. They are now married with DC, and DD has over time, built a good relationship with them. I would be utterly devastated if I was not the first parent DD told if she was pregnant, sorry, I know that is selfish, I just would be as bringing up DD has been my whole life in some ways. But of course I would still support her. My own mum did the screaming in the street thing when dsis was pregnant and just starting out in her career; she lost the baby later on, and since that experience, I have always been clear that whatever the circumstances, I would support DD if she was pregnant. So, I kind of understand the hurt emotions, but the behaviour is deeply destructive and unacceptable.

Maybe utterly devastated is an over statement, upset probably. I'd be too excited at the prospect of gdc.

revealall any sympathy I would have towards the ex would be totally gone once she behaved like that around my kids.

Quite frankly OP the ex is not your problem.

Do the best to look after your DSD.

If the ex contacts you in anyway again get an harassment order and have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

Yes it all sounds dodgy as fuck 24 years ago. But none of that is your DSD or DD's doing so she can funk right off.

Just check that the police have a power of arrest attached if she breaches the caution.

TBH to hold that much anger at you after 24 years is completely irrational, she clearly has some deep seated problems that need sorting out. I think you just need to ensure that you and your family are safe and secure. As has been said DSD is an adult, and if the caution does not include her then DSD should make her own complaint too.