AIBU to think that it is not my fault that DSD is pregnant?

[zeezeek]

DH and I have been married for 24 years now and have 2 DD. He's 20 years older than me and was married before and has 2 DC from that marriage and another DD from a relationship that he was in when we met. He split up with her because he wanted to be with me, but didn't know that the ex was pregnant.

When he found out he supported the child financially and saw her whenever her mother "allowed". I think the mother quite liked her DD spending time with us because at the time we didn't think I would be able to have children and she was very smug about the fact that she had a child with my DH. There was, obviously, also a lot of bitterness between her and DH. However, my DSD is absolutely lovely and a couple of years ago moved to the town where we live to do her post graduate degree. Since then she has spent a lot of time with us and our DC and always comes with us to Sweden when we visit DH's other children and family. About 18 months ago she started seeing someone from her course - he is a post-doc and so a few years older than her, but he's a good man and they are very much in love. But her mother disapproved of the relationship, though we don't know why and that has caused DSD to drift away from her mother and, as a consequence, and because we are nearer, she has seen more of DH and I. We've had her mother make numerous abusive calls to us, accusing us of brainwashing her daughter, which we ignore and haven't told DSD.

She announced last week that she is 8 weeks pregnant. It was an accident, but they are both thrilled and although it means that she is now going to have to postpone her studies for a while, she has every intention of going back to them as soon as she is able.

Anyway, she told her mother and got the predicted response. Then her mother started calling me (not DH!) and accusing me of turning her daughter into a slut and a whore like I am and driving a wedge between them; I am also apparently jealous of her because she had my DH when he was younger and better looking (!) and she had a child with him first without no trouble, whilst it took me years to conceive. Actually as he was married and had children before he met either of us, that's not true. In the last couple of days there have been 50 calls to my personal and work mobiles and our land line, and she has also tried to get through to me on my work number (I'm not in the office at the moment so I imagine that there are several voicemails waiting for me). Yesterday I am convinced that I saw her following me - but as it has been about 10 years since I saw the woman I am not sure.

DH is being dismissive of the whole thing and saying that she was always a nutter and that's why he left her. DSD knows nothing about any of this as she is still upset at being called a whore by her mother - she genuinely thought she'd be happy about the baby.

It does seem that DSD's pregnancy has sparked an escalation in her behaviour and I honestly can't see how it is my fault that a 23 year old intelligent, educated woman is pregnant by her long term partner. Or am I totally wrong and it is me?

I feel sorry for the woman in so many ways, but it doesn't excuse her behaviour towards her own daughter.

I wonder why your dh was fine with you being harassed but not with his children - I'd be discussing that if I were you.

The ex's behaviour is terrible but I can't help but feel sorry for her. First your DH chose you over her and now it seems to her that her dd is doing the same thing. She must be devastated.

Having once been the victim of a wrong does not entitle anyone to do wrong to others.

I suppose I am not so sympathetic to the Ex as she is an adult in charge of her own life. Lots of single parents have finished their university degrees, in fact a lot have started their careers after having their children.

I think if you let something so mundane that happened 24 years ago twist and embitter you this much that is your choice.

I'm still not convinced that " getting over it" is half as easy as some on here think.
She was obviously in love. Then she finds herself pregnant and then dumped. Obviously not enough time to fall out of love as the babies father is engaged before said baby is even born.
Then she has a daily reminder of the whole situation every day since then. Hard to heal the wound if there is something to keep it open everyday. Added to the fact she is still expected to see the man who abandoned her when she was pregnant and moved on to the Op really quickly.
It was a shame she didn't find a new relationship but that also isn't easy especially once you have a baby to look after on your own.

Obviously ex isn't handling the pregnancy of her daughter well but I can see why she isn't too. Perhaps she sees another 24 years of looking after a child as not being a great option especially as she will be sharing the role with the Op
I do think the Op sounds like she is doing all the right things and I feel for her too though BTW.

revealall - I do get where you are coming from. I know that DH wasn't in love with her, but don't know her side of it. I do know he definitely didn't know she was pregnant when he left.

All quiet at the moment......

Sorry - had to rush for a train! DSD and her DP are spending a few days with his parents in Scotland, so hopefully she will have a bit a time and space to just enjoy being pregnant.

I don't doubt that the actions of both DH and I 24 years ago hurt her and I am very sorry for that. I know that DH can be a git and that in the years between his first marriage and ours he was a serial shagger and this woman was just one of many. I'm not making excuses for him, but I do know that in all the years we've been together he has been good to me and he has a good relationship with his first wife. He has also always supported all his children and their mothers - emotionally and financially.

SOmeone mentioned about her career being stalled - but she wasn't really that interested in a career then; but she has been pretty successful - she trained as a florist when DSD was young and has her own business, so her anger isn't because of that.

He's also dead excited about becoming a grandfather and is already making plans....he's retired now and, as our two are both at school, he is talking about offering to look after the baby while DSD and her DP are at work!

It is a little bit unfair to make comments about him having children with 3 different women. These things happen. As I've said, he's not a feckless father.

It has gone quiet for now. My DSD spoke to her Aunt before she went away and she (her Aunt) has agreed to act as a mediator when she returns to the UK in 2 weeks time.

There's been no more phone calls.....

Sounds like the DM is repeating things to her daughter that were said to her when she found out she was pregnant with DD.

Is the DM's DM a 'nutter' ?

Hope DSD doesn't give up her studies - or only briefly, she will need her qualifications in the future, if not right now.

Nanadookdookdook - I don't know. DSD has said in the past that her grandparents were thrilled that her mother wasn't married when she got pregnant, but they all seemed to have a pretty good relationship when she was growing up - it's just that DSD and her mother lived a long way away. But who knows.

It is a mess, though, the ex sounds like she got caught up in the chaos of your DH's former life. Maybe she wasn't interested in a career because she wanted marriage and a family, maybe she was interested in a career before she found out she was pregnant; maybe she was successful as a florist because if you are a single mum, no-one else pays the bills (the choice is success or poverty), maybe she would have liked to see her DD more and the florists shop less, who knows? None of it excuses the behaviour, but believe me, if DD's dad having walked out when she was a baby, started planning how he was going to look after her DC once he is retired, before the baby is even born, I would be asking, where the f**k were you when I was juggling a FT job and feeds in the night.

None of this excuses the behaviour but fgs, he needs to be a bit tactful with the heroic grandfather routine.
From her perspective, he won't have been much of a father, which will disqualify him from the GF role somewhat. Of course the point is that DSD should have both parents involved, but if the plan is to build bridges, then go a bit carefully with vocalising post-birth plans. The baby is not even here yet.

Romeyroo - oh god, you make some good points and I can see a situation where his offer will just make things worse now. He is not the most tactful of people and sometimes can be a bit arrogant. However, in his defence, he (we) did have contact with his DD practically from the start (he visited her in hospital the day after she was born and visited her regularly for a year before introducing her to me - then we had her every weekend, holidays etc as she got older).

I'm sorry, but if your DH separated from her before she knew she was pregnant, she knowingly opted to be a single mum.

As for your DH wanting to be a good GF, my ex was a hopeless father but is a great gf and anyone in their right minds would be glad for their grandchild to have a loving gf.

I hope this lady comes to her senses as she is going to miss out on so much with her current attitude.

reavelall why would the ex be thinking she has 'another 24 years of looking after a child'? The daughter is not a young teen, she's 23, with a partner who sounds as if he is likely to be supportive. They will be looking after the child. Sure the ex will not be the only grandmother, and I expect at times that will grate, but her current actions are likely to lead to being excluded from her daughter's life entirely. Which surely would cause far more pain?

obviously its not your fault, shes a 23 year old woman in a serious relationship, not a teenager. I think it sounds like DSD's mum needs some help dealing with this, and probably has needed some support for a while.

Just wondering if the DM had seen her DD's future as one of a successful professional woman with a degree, the life she didn't lead herself.

I certainly encouraged my DCs to do more with their lives than I did (as I saw that). And would have felt disappointed if things had gone 'wrong'.

The DM might come round in a short time once she's got used to the idea of a DGC and once she sees her DD's plans for university education is still fully on the cards (though not sure if it is at present).

Also the DM's partner had moved on - perhaps she is anxious that the same happens to her DD if she sees the relationship she is in as uncommitted.

She might have serious misgivings. I wouldn't have been overjoyed like her DF if my DD had become pregnant during her studies. But would have come round, so maybe the DM will too.

Mexican, are you a single mum, have you been a single mum? I was with my DH when I was pregnant, and believe me, I had no idea what having a baby was like, let alone bringing up one on my own. Nonetheless, I wouldn't have un-had DD for the world. I honestly find your suggestion that she should have had an abortion or just suck it up offensive.

zeezeek, I am glad you did not take my post amiss. I was tired when I wrote it and reacted very instinctively. DD's dad actually didn't have much to do with her, he was having family #2 and I spent a lot of time trying to foster a relationship. All good now, but reflecting on it, you need to swallow an awful lot of your own emotion and put dc interests first.

None of this excuses her behaviour at all, you acted quite rightly. I guess all I am saying is let the current situation settle and see how the land lies first before your DH makes it all about him (sorry sounds harsh, I don't mean he shouldn't be a GF, but that is not the main issue right now)

But she is still in the wrong - forgot to say that - and taking it out on you because she knows your DH won't care.
It's unusual that a supervisor would get to that seniority without a partner - he would have to resist all those young hero-worshipping students.

"I'm sorry, but if your DH separated from her before she knew she was pregnant, she knowingly opted to be a single mum."

she was left for the OP whilst pregnant!
How is that knowingly opting to be a single mum?

I think if you let something so mundane that happened 24 years ago twist and embitter you this much that is your choice

gosh, yes, being left for another woman whilst you're pregnant is just so mundane, isn't it?

I'm sorry, but if your DH separated from her before she knew she was pregnant, she knowingly opted to be a single mum

Because abortion is right for everyone? Because abortion is the answer to every potential single mum's problems? because abortion wouldn't have potentially set the woman off on another emotionally catastrophic chain of events that blighted the rest of her life? Or would that not have mattered because there'd be no child and the OP and her DH could have just forgotten what they did?

But the DH would be making the offer to his DD, not to his ex.

He did leave her when she was pregnant and yes, he left her for me. However, he did not know she was pregnant at the time (she would have been about 6 weeks so possibly wasn't even sure herself) and only found out when she was 6 months. She turned up on his doorstep - I remember it well because it was night before I was being admitted into hospital to have a major operation to remove a tumour. As you can imagine I wasn't really in a state to take it in and even now have vague memories of what was said by whom - but I do remember that DH was incredibly surprised to see her pregnant. So no, he didn't know.

At no point did either of my DSD's parents, me, her extended family EVER wish that her mother aborted her. She has given us all so much love and joy and will continue to do so, and so will her child. It is a credit to her mother that she has brought up this amazing child. I hope that her mother does come around because however frustrating DSD finds her, however upsetting she finds this situation - there is a deep love and respect between them.

Mexican, are you a single mum, have you been a single mum? I was with my DH when I was pregnant, and believe me, I had no idea what having a baby was like, let alone bringing up one on my own. Nonetheless, I wouldn't have un-had DD for the world. I honestly find your suggestion that she should have had an abortion or just suck it up offensive

At what point did I suggest she have an abortion? And suck it up? Having a gorgeous daughter?

I actually am a single mum who separated from the father of my dd before I knew I was pregnant. I personally have no problem with the idea of abortion but consciously decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. I wouldn't dream of saying whether or not someone else should have an abortion but I do think life is too sweet and too precious to let one event like this, that gives you a beautiful daughter, moreover, make you so bitter and twisted.

People often are victims, but it is also a personal decision if you decide to live the rest of your life as one, or not.

I don't think zeezeek makes her sound like a victim though. Own business raising a lovely child. She describes her as angry towards the ex and the Op and I for one don't think that's unreasonable. Acting on it possibly is.

Mexican and you were properly in love with the man you seperated from were you? Did he get engaged to someone within 6 months of you breaking up? Do you have regular contact with him.

This is not about me, revealall, but if there had been a total coincidence in our situation, I would have mentioned it, don't you think? However I doubt that anyone else here has suffered the exact same as the Ex in this story, but that does not disqualify us from expressing our opinions.

I think it is lovely to see so much empathy and understanding towards something who is behaving vilely to her own dd. But I just don't agree that she deserves it.

If we go far enough back in a person's personal history, we can justify anything. A lot of abusive men grew up in abusive families, but we do not excuse them, nor should we.

I totally agree with you Mexican.