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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why people are so rude about expensive weddings?

200 replies

FluffyMcnuffy · 30/10/2014 13:29

I have seen it a lot on MN, "we went to a 20k wedding and it was boring and shit", nobody would say that about a 5k wedding!

Equally people seem to thing big wedding = shit relationship.

I've been to 20k weddings where the couple are still going strong 10 years later and 2k weddings where they split up after three months and vice versa!

AIBU to think cost usually has no bearing on how good a wedding is and to be sick of all the inverse snobbery?

OP posts:
bonded · 30/10/2014 20:13

Is 20k just the average. I've been to a few that were around 20k, and they were good but not 20k good.

TheBogQueen · 30/10/2014 20:39

The chief bridesmaid...head bridesmaid thing is absolutely fucking terrifying.

The bride basically owns you for the five years it take to plan her special day - yiu are not allowed to be fat or pregnant or bring a baby.

I just couldn't cope with it

areyoubeingserviced · 30/10/2014 20:44

Jealousy.

fairylightsintheloft · 30/10/2014 20:44

Thing is, although 20k is a lot, its not hard to rack that up when venues charge what they do, florists want over £100 for a simple small bouquet etc. If you're lucky enough to have friends with huge gardens, have their own bands, catering businesses and are happy to donate their time then that's lovely but you can't really put that forward as an argument against spending lots as most people don't have those connections. .and even though you know you are being ripped off, if you have a large family or lots of friends that you want to invite, because you want them there and they want to be there, you end up spending thousands. I've been to very few weddings with bridezillas or thoughtless hosts, but lots with crap staff, caterers etc raking it in and providing shoddy service.

ginnycreeper5 · 30/10/2014 21:14

Jealousy

I think you're right.
Most people accept other people having more money them and being wealthy. It's the way of the world. And who's to say that person hasn't worked really hard to get the money they have.

But, it's when that wealth is paraded and flaunted (in the form of an obscenely expensive wedding) that you get the problems. I think it makes other people, especially those who are really struggling financially, feel a bit resentful at such money being wasted on one day.

So, to have money is OK. But to flaunt it and go ott is a bit vulgar.

StarlingMurmuration · 30/10/2014 23:29

If someone gave me and DP £20k as a gift to spend specifically on a wedding, I could quite happily spend it but if we had to use our own money, or we won £20k on the lottery I'd use it to pay down the mortgage and elope. I don't judge other people spending a fortune on their wedding, but I personally wouldn't do it.

A couple I'm friends with had a massive and wonderful wedding last year which I believe cost around £25k, and two weeks later another couple of friends had another lovely wedding for about £12k. The year before I went to the wedding of a close friend that was very small (30 guests), in a cheap venue and clearly done on a shoe string. You could tell that wedding number one had cost more, but all three were brilliant fun and all the couples were gracious and considerate hosts. To be honest, I emjoyed the cheapest one because half the guests were my friends from uni whom I hadn't seen for ages. The only bum note was at the more expensive wedding... Everything was top notch except the entertainment which was the band of a friend of the groom, and was frankly poor.

I do hate the inverse snobbery when people compete over how little they spent, especially when they say "... and everyone said it was the best wedding they'd ever been too!" at the end of their stealth non-boast. So what if people actually do want to spend thousands on a dress?! Or thousands on flash catering? I don't get why it is seen by some as morally superior to have the catering done in someone's kitchen.

StarlingMurmuration · 30/10/2014 23:34

lil, what on earth is wrong with a debit card? It's just like a cheque or cash!

I think that people are trying to point out that you are very lucky to have had your wedding as it was, courtesy of your friends.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 31/10/2014 07:50

Starling Sorry I meant to say storecards, not debit cards Smile

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 31/10/2014 08:04

I would say that because my own personal experience was that I've been to expensive weddings that are pretensious snobby affairs that were trying too hard and the last one I went to was very low key casual and a lot of fun. That is just my experience though, it is entirely possible I just haven't been to an expensive fun one or a snobby cheap one.

PacificWerewolf · 31/10/2014 08:08

Grin @ this thread.

People should not be rude about weddings - expensive or not, bridezilla-planned or improvised, weird theme or informal. It's ONE couple's 'special day'.

What I have more of a problem with is when I get the impression that more thought has gone in to the wedding day than the marriage that then follows and there seems to be a 'come down' after the Big Day. I've seen it more than once - the kind of wedding made no difference.

Ragwort · 31/10/2014 08:11

I don't think it's necessarily jealousy or envy when people say they don't like big, flashy weddings - I have substantial savings and investments and could afford to spend £20k on a big wedding but, in my opinion, it is such a huge waste of money to spend on one day. If my DS was getting married I could give him the same amount towards his wedding but I really wouldn't want to although I would be happier to put it towards his mortgage.

I am always slightly amused when people say 'everyone raved about my wedding and said it was the best ever' - no one is really going to say to the host 'I hated your wedding day' are they? Grin. I have been to some pretty awful weddings but I would always thank the hosts graciously and only moan about the day on Mumsnet.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 31/10/2014 08:33

Pacific perfectly put. We just carried on as before after we married. We went to see the band play on the Saturday and Sunday evenings at local pubs and then went back to work- after waving off our friends on their night away the next day Grin.

Ragwort Yes the jealousy argument is a very lazy and tired old one. I'm not jealous. I could have had a much bigger wedding paid for by ourselves or I could have taken up my mothers offer in which case I could have had that thirty grand wedding. We didn't want it not the crap that would have gone with it.

I married up what the guests said with what they did re their opinion as to how good it was. Not seeing people sitting around looking bored, leaving at the first opportunity and seeing them all dancing until sun came up is as best an indication as I can imagine. They all looked really happy.

bonded · 31/10/2014 09:05

I've been very rude about a friend that spent a lot on a wedding as they are in debt and it was alot of money to blow on one party and now talk about taking bankruptcy. But it wasn't even their money.

CalamitouslyWrong · 31/10/2014 09:08

Since people have asked... The wedding from hell story.

It was a church then venue affair (and they had a lovely, warm, sunny day so it could have been great). Young couple who had met through the weird cult they'd joined (and it absolutely is a dodgy cult very clearly designed to make the people who set it up very rich). The couple had been living together for a couple if years but loudly claimed to everyone and anyone that they were still virgins (who shared a bed every night). I'm not sure why they thought anyone cared or wanted to know about their sex life, or lack thereof.

The first part is in the church that the groom's parents got married in, which is sweet. It was a lovely church too. All the guests arrive and sit in the church and then we wait, and wait, and wait. There's no sign of the bride. The church officials start getting very angsty (we're sitting at the back, so we can see them; I assume the groom was even more anxious). Eventually, with what turns out to be 5 minutes before they lost their slot and couldn't get married (because there's another wedding scheduled for the afternoon), the bride and her plethora of bridesmaids turn up. There were about a dozen of them and they're all dressed in a really nasty brown dress that appeared to have been purposefully chosen because it flattered no one. They start the most elaborate and time consuming walking down the aisle routine I've ever seen. After eons of bridesmaids walking individually down the aisle the bride appears. She does look beautiful and her (very, very expensive) dress is lovely.

The ceremony starts. Because of the whole being in a cult thing, they've got the CoE vicar there (because he can legally marry people, and because it was a CoE church) and the smarmy nightmare of a pastor/cult leader doing the ceremony. The cult guy is very clearly pissed off at the CoE vicar having a status that he doesn't and keeps making digs at the vicar. The vicar (to his credit) chooses to ignore this, no matter how obvious it gets.

The cult leader keeps making all these really cringeworthy comments about 'sexual union' and it's all dreadfully nudge nudge, wink wink. The young cult members keep sniggering any time sex is mentioned (which is a lot; the entire thing seems to be overtly all about how the groom can finally get some etc). It was utterly bizarre and all the non-cult members look pretty embarrassed by it all.

So they're married and we all head to the venue completely unaware that we should have been going via the nearby Toby carvery or something. The ceremony was an 11am job (and I had insisted on bringing snacks for the children). The venue is nice. It's a local authority run thing that mostly seems to be hired out to weddings. There are two bits (and two weddings going on) and a big lawn (with some string down the middle to separate the weddings). The hall itself is not very big so it's great that it's hot and sunny and we can all stand outside. It would have been fairly grim if everyone had been cooped up inside all day (and very, very cramped).

There's a wishing well type thing in which we can deposit the cash we'd been told we should give.

Some people manage to be issued with a glass of prosecco on arrival. Neither DH nor I got one, but MIL did. It appeared to be watered down. We stand around for several hours waiting while a million photos of bride, groom and bridesmaids are taken. There's a paid bar (very expensive) so everyone buys drinks and make small talk, as you do.

The groom does try to mingle and thank people from coming etc, but the bride does not at any point in the entire day. When anyone on her new husband's side of the family try to talk to her she outright ignores them/walks away/looks through them. We attempted to congratulate her and tell her she looked lovely and she was astoundingly rude.

At about 4pm we're told to come on and get something to eat. We're on the cousins table, which is in the corner and served last for everything. It's made quite obvious that none of us are very welcome (despite the fact they chose to invite us - no one invites cousins to weddings in DH's family so we were surprised to have been invited at all - and we'd travelled across the country to attend). I can only conclude that they invited us because all the groom's cousins are older than the couple, have good jobs and could be relied upon to cough up a decent amount of cash. It clearly didn't cost them much to invite us because they didn't provide us with anything much (as I'll explain).

There are no drinks provided at all. Not even a jug of tap water. Some tables get a jug of apple juice but our table gets nothing. The plan is for a barbecue (which I'd foolishly thought would be great because it would be much more child friendly than a formal meal). There are no starters or anything (which also would have been fine). We're called up table by table in the order in which the couple value us (so we're dead last). You go outside and are dished up some stuff from the barbecue and then get some salad inside. It should have been fine.

When our table is finally called, it's very obvious that there's pretty much no food left. There was nothing for vegetarians at any point, and the way in which the food had been stored is hugely problematic: chicken and pork and beef all lumped in together. The burgers were scarily undercooked too. Not that it mattered much since there was very little left. We all begin negotiating on the queue to decide his to divvy up the tiny amount of food available. DS2 and I get an undercooked burger between us. DH gets a single chicken drumstick. The couple of friends who must have offended the bride and groom because they were lumped on the unwanted table share a sausage between them.

We go to get some salad and there's nothing left. A couple of leaves of lettuce and two slices of onion in a bowl of what used to be coleslaw. I think DS2 managed to find a cherry tomato. I am incredibly glad I brought lots of snacks.

There's no pudding either. We eat our meagre portions and then go back to aimless mingling outside while the bride has more photos of herself taken. A couple of hours later we're told there's cake available. So we queue up and are issued with our sliver of cake each. It's nice cake, but there's not much of it.

More mingling. There is no entertainment whatsoever and everyone is getting bored (and most of us are very hungry - FIL tells me the food had been carefully rationed at the barbecue even if you were on a more favoured table). The other wedding, on the other side of the string look like they're having a much better time. The groom's poor very frail grandmother is clearly suffering as she's hungry and no one will give her a seat outside. We would have done but we were sitting on the grass because we didn't have seats. All these young cult members professing to be so good good and Christian but won't stand so an elderly lady can sit down. It was awful.

Another hour or so passes and a 'buffet' is brought out. It's a very tiny amount of iceland's finest in identifiable frozen party food of dubious origin. We rush up so as not to be at the end of the queue this time. There's enough good for everyone to have a piece of pakora and a couple of crudités each. No more. It disappears very quickly.

More aimless mingling. DH and I are waiting for the dancing/evening bit to kick off (and the first dance) so we can take DS2 and run. About 9.30 they break out the iPod and it does. We politely watch the first dance (the bride and groom look very loved up and that's sweet) and then make our move to say goodbye and thank you for the lovely wedding bit (which you say even if it's been horrible). The groom says goodbye to us, but the bride does the purposefully ignoring us thing again.

We go home to the PILs via the chippy because we are starving. The PILs come home later and report that it didn't get any better after we left. They also came via the chippy.

We receive no acknowledgement that we have them a wad of cash in the months that follow the wedding. We know they received it because the PILs hear them loudly bitching to anyone and everyone about how stingey everyone was and how little money they got at another cousjn's wedding a few weeks later (which we weren't invited to, mercifully).

So yes, wedding from hell. They clearly spent a lot. Just in all the wrong places (unless you subscribe to the 'it's your day hun; fuck the rest of them' school of wedding having).

That was long. Sorry.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 31/10/2014 09:23

Jesus- I'd have held off giving any money until the end of the night and then told them I was making a charitable donation in their name....and not to their cult.

CalamitouslyWrong · 31/10/2014 09:28

None more thing, the table plan was fascinating. The less valued you were as a guest and had clearly only been invited for the cheque in the card the closer you got to sit to the wishing well. It was practically the centrepiece of our table. Grin

We were generous with our cheque too. We'd thought 'young couple, just starting out' and been more generous than usual. DH is the oldest cousin and a decade older than the groom, so we're much more comfortable than they are. BIL and the other cousins (also in good jobs) had done the same. So had the PILs and DH's aunt and uncle. So it's really galling to be accused of stinginess. It's not our fault the bride and groom's friends are all part of the same cult where they're all horribly exploited by the bastards who run it and kept on dreadful apprenticeship minimum wages (which they still have to tithe to the cult, and pay rent to live in the cult house, etc out of), so they probably could only afford to put £10 in a card.

OiGiveItBack · 31/10/2014 09:29

Epic post Calamity That certainly sound like a disaster of a wedding.

I think everyone is agree that there is nothing wrong with big weddings as long as;

A) you can afford them
B) they are for the right reasons and not just to be flashy.

CalamitouslyWrong · 31/10/2014 09:36

Well, at least I got a great tale out of it. I can probably win most games of 'crap weddings I've been to' to trumps with it. Grin

We were trying not to be judgemental about the cult thing (they refer to it as their 'church' obviously), but honestly it's impossible. It is a bunch of extremely dodgy rich men getting richer off the back of exploiting some disenfranchised young people's desire to feel part of something and to find meaning in their lives. When you see it in person, it's pretty terrifying. BIL is in the police and says he's just waiting for it to land on his desk as a case.

Bslami · 31/10/2014 09:43

Yy Calamitous. It must have been horrendous - but it's given us a laugh. (Apart from the elderly lady having to stand and the DS being starving bits).

OiGiveItBack · 31/10/2014 09:44

Calamity I think I can give you a run for your money in a crap weddings compitition. Grin. BIL first big church wedding involved his bride not speaking to anyone except her Mum for the whole day. Unfortunately, she was barely speaking to the groom. Confused. ''Twas most awkward.... It was the first wedding in ages for the BILs side of the family so family had travelled from all over to attend.

The wedding didn't last 6 months and was eventually annulled Confused

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin · 31/10/2014 09:44

Oh god that really was the wedding from hell!

I told my mum and dad off recently. They went to my cousin's wedding in a fancy place recently and because the food was small, elegant portions rather than a pork pies and sausage roll free for all they moaned about it every time they mentioned the wedding. Miserable gits.

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin · 31/10/2014 09:50

Oh and my personal wedding from hell...don't want to go into too much detail as it would be instantly recognisable to anyone there, but weird speech from bride's dad basically disowning her, bride's friends openly bitching about the groom and his family, bride's dad getting aggressive with someone at the bar and best man being drunk beyond belief. They split up.

CalamitouslyWrong · 31/10/2014 09:56

It must have been bizarre watching a (cold) warring couple get married. Why would you go through with it, if you couldn't bring yourself to speak to the groom on your wedding day? I can't think of a clearer sign that it won't work out.

At least my nightmare wedding couple were (and are) clearly in love.

My sister's wedding was quite an event too (but it wasn't rrally her fault). The registrar turned up several hours late (with not so much as a phonecall) because (we surmise) he was watching the cricket and couldn't be arsed going to do what he was being paid for. My poor sister had a full on screaming meltdown in the foyer (which everyone heard). Eventually the best man did an informal ceremony so we could have some sort of wedding (even if not legally binding) and celebrate that. The registrar turned up just as he was finishing, and treated us to an interminable and awful ceremony. BIL had to keep gesturing to him to wrap it up and hurry up.

They had loads of really nice food though. I just didn't get to eat it because DS2 got one of those sudden baby illnesses that required a trip to the corner shop for calpol and then him clinging to me (and me alone) in the corner while the wedding went on. DH and DS1 said the food was awesome. We took Ds2 home straight after the meal because there was no point really.

whois · 31/10/2014 10:03

Even reasonably standard and non flashy weddings can hit £20k quite easily if you go for the traditional white wedding thing. Dress, wedding bands, bridesmaid dresses, usher and groom morning suit hire, church hire, wedding car, reception venue, photographer, drinks, wedding breakfast, more drinks, evening buffet, band or DJ, flowers, linen, decorations et bloody c.

Cheap weddings are fine as long as you feed your guests adequately and either have enough free drinks or a cheap bar. It is shit being somewhere and having to pay £8+ a drink.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 31/10/2014 10:38

Bosses nightmare wedding (to the women he cheated on his ex-wife with and they all worked together)....

The soon to be married couple spent eleven months looking for the exact matching shade of silver outfits. And boring us all rigid with it. Everything was stage managed to the nth degree

The bride was shagging a guy from her gym and planning the wedding to her fiance. We all knew and had to stand there whilst she made her vows.

He would police her eating at work. When a grateful client left a box of chocolates for us all, he moved them away from her and told her to "stick to her carrot, love". She was slim and gorgeous- he was a sweaty faced, porker with a reddened from too much drinking complexion.

A few years after they married, she left him and he was arrested on the ward after turning up to 'meet her' and bring her home. He was demoted and removed from direct patient care.

They continue to cheat on each other after reuniting.

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