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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people are so rude about expensive weddings?

200 replies

FluffyMcnuffy · 30/10/2014 13:29

I have seen it a lot on MN, "we went to a 20k wedding and it was boring and shit", nobody would say that about a 5k wedding!

Equally people seem to thing big wedding = shit relationship.

I've been to 20k weddings where the couple are still going strong 10 years later and 2k weddings where they split up after three months and vice versa!

AIBU to think cost usually has no bearing on how good a wedding is and to be sick of all the inverse snobbery?

OP posts:

minipie · 30/10/2014 16:33

There's a lot of inverse snobbery on MN.

Yep, this.

I've been to lots of 20k+ weddings. Had a great time at some, not so much at others.

Also been to cheaper weddings. Had a great time at some, not so much at others. (The one where the food ran out half way round the guests sticks in the mind).

We found it pretty difficult to spend less than 20k given we wanted the wedding in London, we wanted 90+ guests and we wanted to be sure everyone had good food, a free bar and good music. If someone manages to achieve that in London for less then hats off to you. (We didn't have favours, bridesmaids, cake and didn't spend a lot on the dress or decorations).

Philoslothy · 30/10/2014 16:34

We spent not a lot at all but had an amazing time as did our guests- we had to sling them out at 6 a.m after they'd made bacon rolls in the kitchen. I didn't spend thousands on a dress, we had the food made by friends who are chefs, patissieres and just great cooks buying the ingredients ourselves. Another friend lent out her just over an acre garden which we set up as a picnic with beer and cocktail tents then had a live band playing in the woodland area with loads of guests jamming along. It was amazing, nobody was stressed and the vicar and vergers said it was the best and most loving wedding they had officiated at in years.

But that relies on a lot of contacts that many people just do not have and therefore for most people to have a wedding like that would cost a lot of money.

We went to a wedding recently of a business acquaintance of my husband's. She has been talking about her budget wedding and that she had been to vulgar weddings which has cost so much more. The wedding reception was in the restaurant that her father owned, so was "free". Her father's contacts had provided lots of things that would have cost the average couple tens of thousands of pounds. Her dress came through contacts, the photographer was a friend who took the photos for free and some friends in a band provided the music.

squoosh · 30/10/2014 16:35

I've never been to a wedding that had a free bar, sounds wonderful. I've mostly been to Irish weddings and they tend to go on till 5 in the morning. The bar bill alone would come to £20K.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 30/10/2014 16:42

We were fortunate in that our friend owns a brewery so he donated several kegs of ale, cider and lager in lieu of a wedding present- he wouldn't take payment. I guess that counts as a free bar.

And another friend has a catering firm so we got all our cutlery and flatware from her and she helped us decorate the tables and the picnic blankets with jugs of flowers and cushions to sit on.

We had fifty guests in total and they all stuffed themselves with food, loads of leftovers and we spent less than one and a half grand.

mixedpeel · 30/10/2014 16:42

Well said, Philoslothly. LilAnnie, your wedding does indeed sound lovely, but without trained patisserie chefs, musicians and landowners as friends, most people would have had to shell out rather a lot for the same experience.

I'm ever so slightly weary of the bright-eyed and breathless "...and I just got my friend to do the flowers! and my mum made the dresses, and my neighbour made the cake..."

People pulling in friends who are up all night decorating venues etc - sometimes I think this is tending towards unintentionally putting a great deal of pressure on others, who on reflection may have preferred just to worry about choosing a nice outfit and turning up.

TexanKenDoll · 30/10/2014 16:43

Squoosh-a fair few have been Irish and went on very late (I don't stay out past about midnight these days so didn't witness the carnage)!

On a side note, why is it black tie normally for Irish weddings? Thought they'd be more in line with the rest of the UK. The weddings I've been to in South America and the US have been too, but I'm guessing that's because they're usually later in the day. Love the change in outfit for ladies at these too, easier than finding a dress to do day and evening suitably.

IPityThePontipines · 30/10/2014 16:44

It just seems like so much money to spend on a load of stuff that is essentially, completely besides the point of the actual day, which is the vows and legal contract.

All that money and time spent organising, for one day that is generally identical to everyone else's special day. I just don't see the point and can see exactly why people think spending that sort of money is ridiculous.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 30/10/2014 16:45

Well a lot of people have a garden so I don't count that as a contact. Yes we have friends who cook professionally BUT most of us can cook or know people that can cook. We didn't have a big extravaganza of a cake, lots of people offered to bake a cake special to them so we ate those. A lot of us can do this so not that out of the ordinary. We walked to church and walked to the reception, stopping off at a pub along the way.

The reason why we spent so little was that we cut out all the frippery. The stuff the wedding industry makes you feel inadequate if you don't have.

mixedpeel · 30/10/2014 16:45

LilAnnie, I'm starting to wonder if your next post is going to be about your other friend who breeds miniature unicorns which you gave out to everyone as wedding favours!

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 30/10/2014 16:48

Mixed

Err WE decorated the garden and it took one and a half hours between my, my friend and my daughter- we aren't talking mega decor here. My friend has a suburban bungalow in a large village- she is NOT a landowner although she will love the idea that you think she is.

Nobody had to worry even about an outfit because we didn't mind about that. No mothers were harmed in the making of my marriage because I didn't invite her (it'd have been a misery if she had turned up) and nobody had to sew, orphan annie style to 'make' my dress because I didn't buy one. I have a closet full of perfectly good clothes.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 30/10/2014 16:49

Mixed

It really was a very simple wedding. I didn't even have hymns or organs. We just rocked up at the church and wandered off and I wore trainers.

CalamitouslyWrong · 30/10/2014 16:49

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar either. The bill would be horrific. How to spend £20k very quickly...

One wedding did have all drinks provided (it was the poshest wedding I've ever been to, but there wasn't so much a bar as drinks served by staff the entire time, and not in a licensed venue).

Roussette · 30/10/2014 16:50

Well.... I've been to a 180 guests £70K wedding (probably more, I'm being conservative in this estimate, I know for a fact it was up to £50K and that was way before the actual day) and my point is... it was absolutely idyllic. Everything was tasteful, it was beautifully done and like a complete dream for me and my family to be there. I know I will never ever go to a wedding like that again, ever, I kept thinking we might end up in 'Hello' because it was like a celebrity wedding without the naffness. The attention to detail was beyond comprehension, it was just beautiful.

No idea if the marriage will last, do hope so, probably will. It's up to the couple and their families what they spend so I just enjoy myself at weddings however much they cost. Small intimate do's are fab too.

squoosh · 30/10/2014 16:50

Good idea Mixed, hard to get them to stay sitting and stop shitting on the place settings though. On the plus side unicorn poo is much prettier than generic horse poo.

To wonder why people are so rude about expensive weddings?

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 30/10/2014 16:52

I m off to feed the unicorns. And name change to Marie Antoinette.

Philoslothy · 30/10/2014 16:54

Not many people have a garden big enough to fit a wedding in. Not many people have a kitchen big enough for their wedding guests to all nip into for bacon rolls.

Obviously not many people know people who own breweries, catering companies, chefs and patissieres, but I suspect that you know that.

TexanKenDoll · 30/10/2014 16:54

Calamitously-when they've been in hotels (normally city weddings for the ones I've been lucky enough to attend) then it's a bar in the sense we'd recognise or a cocktail bar and normal bar (some people go a bit crazy with vodka luges which I feel too old for now). Otherwise, it's as you describe with staff serving drinks all evening in someone's home or marquee/other structure in their garden. Although, at a wedding I went to in Yorkshire they had a bar with beer on tap (think that's what you say, I don't drink beer) in the marquee, which was a fun addition.

mixedpeel · 30/10/2014 16:55

aw, LilAnnie, my paragraph about the mum's dress and the neighbour's cake etc was a general one.

Your wedding does sound truly lovely, and I mean that.

But a lot of people simply won't know someone even in a bungalow with a big enough garden for a do, let alone all the other kind friends you have.

Sympathy on the mother situation, btw. Mine did come to my wedding, on sufferance, though she did behave reasonably ok. My dad wasn't there, which helped!

sunflower49 · 30/10/2014 16:57

I don't really have the strong opinions on weddings BUT;

I get a bit confused over people who can't afford a massive wedding but have one anyway when It's unnecessary & will leave them in loads of debt.

And I don't like it when weddings are expensive and stressful for guests to go to.

Ones where the venues in the middle of nowhere with no directions and guests have to pay for their own accommodation, or ones where a glass of wine and a beer is £36, some people just can't pay that.

squoosh · 30/10/2014 16:57

TexanKenDoll I'm not actually sure why black tie is usual for Irish weddings, I think it became a thing in the boom years (RIP).

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 30/10/2014 16:59

Phil

Don't be too literal- you don't have to fit all 60 in the kitchen at the same time.

The important point is that MOST of the cost of weddings is for things you don't need- dresses don't have to cost thousands, you don't have to have several bridesmaids (then buy them a bloody gift like so many brides do). You don't need a cake costing thousands- if you can bake a sponge then you can make a naked wedding cake.

You don't need a large garden and you don't need to know people. Unless you are a complete idiot, you can cater a wedding by mucking in with family and friends. And if you have the kind of family or friends who love you, they'll gladly forgo that sit down meal for eight million with dried up roast beef for something a little simpler and less frilly.

And BTW, getting three kegs of booze from a brewery (especially a small micro brewery in need of publicity) is really really inexpensive. But the big companies don't want you to know that

squoosh · 30/10/2014 17:00

At most Irish weddings I've been to there's a free bar in between church and dinner and then the bill payer's wallet battens down its hatches and everyone pays for themselves from that point onwards.

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 30/10/2014 17:01

Mixed - glad that yours went well and your mother behaved.

We put off getting married for ten years because of my mothers behaviour- the happiness I felt when I plucked up the courage to say 'no more- enough'- I will never forget that. I felt free. :)

ifuknow · 30/10/2014 17:01

Calamitously I went to a wedding exactly as you described. There was a severe lack of food, we watched the B&G and their cronies pile their plates high and drink plenty of wine whilst we had a bottle of red and a bottle of white between a table of 12, and the scraps of food that were left as we were served last. We ended up going to the hotel restaurant for a meal as we were so hungry. Absolutely no consideration was given to the comfort of the 'guests'.

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 17:02

Blooming heck, I get it's nice to have friends do stuff for you and it's all about the love (it is celebrating a marriage after all) but I do think the sanctimonious tone folk sometimes take when talking about their inexpensive wedding is a bit unnecessary. It's personal choice.

I did loads of my wedding myself but otherwise we forked out £20k on nice food, nice drink and a nice venue because that's what we wanted and my dad wanted to pay for it. I suggested having less expensive wedding but he saw it as matter of pride to host the wedding. I made the decorations, favours and stationary myself.

We wanted folk who'd bothered to come a really long way to celebrate with us to not have to fork out anything else so had a free bar and accommodation was available on the site. Didn't spend much on photos because that wasn't what I was interested in - but if someone else did, so what?

I think it's very personal - we don't live near our friends or family often anymore so wanted a big party where we could invite them all and they could enjoy the day with us. It was well worth the money for that.

Yes, the inverse snobbery annoys me. Each to their own, as long as you had a lovely wedding you were pleased with who cares what someone else did?

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