To wonder why people are so rude about expensive weddings?

[FluffyMcnuffy]

I have seen it a lot on MN, "we went to a 20k wedding and it was boring and shit", nobody would say that about a 5k wedding!

Equally people seem to thing big wedding = shit relationship.

I've been to 20k weddings where the couple are still going strong 10 years later and 2k weddings where they split up after three months and vice versa!

AIBU to think cost usually has no bearing on how good a wedding is and to be sick of all the inverse snobbery?

It was lovely because it was a day when DH and I made a commitment to each other but it wasn't a lovely wedding day. I sulked a bit in the run up and had to pull myself together. I wanted the special day.

Well if it helps, I wanted, and got, the special day too. But as much as I loved it, and didn't get into debt, I look back and cringe at how much we spent. It really was the people and the good wishes from them that made the day special, and I'd have got that by spending much less!

Obviously the vows, commitment etc were special too, but tbh, DH and I had that love just as much the week before the wedding as we did the week after, so it really was the guests that made the wedding!

Yes, I'm chuckling at the idea that only an attention-seeking bride would opt for an expensive wedding.

I've been to one of those awful wedding woo woo is talking about. The all fur coat and no knickers wedding organised by incredibly rude egotists. I've told the story on MN before, but if anyone wants to marvel in horror at just how little care Dh's cousin and his incredibly rude wife had for their guests, I'm happy to tell it again. It involves about a dozen bridesmaids, an expensive wedding dress, hours of photos and starving, bored guests who the bride couldn't even bring herself to acknowledge (she accepted our cash though, even if she didn't acknowledge it in any way).

It's not really about how much money is spent (I never actually know how much people have paid); its about the care that's gone in to making the day enjoyable for everyone. The problem is when a huge amount of money was obviously spent on a dress and photos, but the guests are literally sharing a burger between two because the couple didn't cater for the number of people they'd invited (and made sure they had first pick, so it didn't matter to them that there wasn't enough food).

I think that the reason 20k+ weddings are moaned at is because it is so much money to the average person. Assuming you are not mega rich that is a hell of a lot of cash to splash on a day/night. I think that a fair amount of b&g forget about their guests and so there's a lot of time hanging around/not enough food/outrageously expensive bar etc. We went to a wedding where all of the above was true (bbq ran out of food with full tables not being served) and the groom was bragging about spending 27k. All I could think is that it was so much money with very little to show for it.

Oh my god calamitously I think we were at the same wedding!! Did the bridesmaids square up to you asking who the fuck are you? Cos that's what happened to me!

No they didn't. But maybe that's because we were put with all the cousins on the far away table in the corner that was served last and so we got no food.

Was the wedding nearly cancelled because the bride and million bridesmaids were so late they only just made their slot at the church? And we're there two men conducting the ceremony, with the incredibly creepy pastor (belonging to a proper, hand over your cash type cult) visibly seething with resentment that the CoE vicar could legally marry people but he couldn't? And lots of really embarrassing mentions of 'sexual union' complete with tittering?

The entire thing would possibly make an excellent sequence in a comedy movie.

I can think of a few posters on here that give regular roastings to people who have been 'judgy' about things like smoking around kids/swearing at kids etc.

But mention a wedding that costs more than 84p, a hen do that is more than 0.6 miles from their doorstep, or best of all, the money request in an invitation, and they absolutely let rip in a frenzy of judginess!

MN is the spiritual home of the inverse snob.

Oh no, not the same wedding. Sounds just as hideous though!

We had the following
-upon arrival at the church there was an altercation whereby someone yelling about being a fucking cunt
-people throwing fag ends into the church entrance
-best man and groom swigging booze at the alter and talking about the stag do in Amsterdam (yep)
-people chewing gum and heckling the vicar mid chew during the service
Plus many, many more!

But none of that is about spending money, they could have done all of that without spending money.

Sounds suspiciously like one of my family dos

Sorry, my first post was about the money side. I just thought it was funny that curiously posted similar whilst I was typing and wondered if it was the same wedding!

I too think it's inverse snobbery, which is sad. It's not about the money but about the thought and effort you've put into making sure your guests have a wonderful time, all eventualities thought of and catered to.

However, I do think I must be unusual in mumsnet circles as I've been to many many weddings and never been to one with a pay bar (most people I know would be pretty upset if one were suggested), everyone has a traditional wedding list usually at a couple of different shops or using a wedding list/concierge service (never been asked for money) and weddings are paid for by the family of the bride.

Nothing cheap about an inexpensive wedding, just the ability to recognise that style and fun doesn't equal a shedload of cash being thrown at it. If that was the case Katie Price and the Ecclestone sisters would be the gurus of marital style irrespective of how long their marriages actually last.

We spent not a lot at all but had an amazing time as did our guests- we had to sling them out at 6 a.m after they'd made bacon rolls in the kitchen. I didn't spend thousands on a dress, we had the food made by friends who are chefs, patissieres and just great cooks buying the ingredients ourselves. Another friend lent out her just over an acre garden which we set up as a picnic with beer and cocktail tents then had a live band playing in the woodland area with loads of guests jamming along. It was amazing, nobody was stressed and the vicar and vergers said it was the best and most loving wedding they had officiated at in years.

No organ, no church flowers just the lurve. :)

No amount of money could have made it any better.

I am just over 30. I have been to about 30 weddings over the last six years, most of which have been in the last three years.

In general, the big expensive weddings were more shit than the cheaper ones. I think this is mainly because they were more formal and much less relaxed.

The problem with the big expensive ones when they are formal is that as a guest you feel that you spend the whole day playing this wierd role as audience member in someone else's fantasy. And for some reason, lots of money isn't a guarantee of decent food and music.

I have been to a couple of amazing big expensive weddings, but the ethos was much more " we want to celebrate with our friends and family" than "we want everyone to admire us and look at me in my princess dress" isywim.

Don't get me wrong - cheap weddings can also be really shit. The frozen Iceland sausage rolls in a freezing church hall just outside Chester in January sticks in my mind.

BUT in general cheaper weddings come with lower expectations. The happy couple tend to be more relaxed and less on show. You normally don't have the six hours waiting around for photographs bit. And all of this just makes them more enjoyable.

DH and I did have a cheap wedding - partly because we both come from families which frown on extravagence and partly because we were young, broke and saving for a deposit. I'm not saying it was great - to be honest the whole day went in a blur and I was rat-arsed by the end. As was everyone else. But what was great about it was that there was no stress, either before or after. It was one day out of our lives, like any birthday party might be and we didn't have debts from it hanging over us afterwards.

Oh and a strict NO presents rule. We also said people did not have to dress up as we wanted our wedding to not involve guests having to pay out loads of money for the 'privilege' of being there.

I'm happy to go to a budget wedding, I'm happy to go to a blow the budget wedding. What I really don't understand are those people who spend two or three years planning the Perfect Day. Honestly, how long do you need to plan a good old shindig? Just get on with it.

Ours took six weeks to 'plan'. Cutting out the sugared almonds, personalised invitations (that people chuck in the bin) and personalised seed packets helps .

I don't get the "Perfect Day" thing either. You can smell that sort of wedding from the invitation...and all that pressure for it to be perfect makes it really hard to enjoy as a guest.

That's true squoosh, it is bizarre how long people can spend planning weddings.

Just as bad is when brides seem to need the world and his wife involved in the planning. No one except your Mum is interested. Your bridesmaid is pretending to be interested because she likes you. Everyone else will hopefully have a good time on the day, but they don't need to hear all the details a year in advance and then at weekly intervals.

The problem with the awful wedding I went to was that they did spend quite a lot of money. The venue wasn't cheap, the many, many hours of photographer (who focused entirely on bride and bridesmaids the whole time) would have cost a lot, the bride's dress was very expensive (and the truly hideous and unflattering matching bridesmaids dresses would have added up to a lot) and so on. So to allow the budget to all be spent on making the bride look like a princess, they skimped on anything that might have made the day enjoyable for the guests. And then the bride utterly refused to acknowledge half the guests (outright ignoring them even when addressed).

But yes, I don't think it was about the amount of money spent. It would have been horrible however much they'd spent because the decisions were made by rude egotists who clearly didn't care about anyone other than themselves. They'd have produced a crap wedding with a £1 million budget or a £500 budget because they're a pair of arses.

Other than this wedding (because MIL was subjected to the full run down of costs by her SIL, the mother of the groom), I never know how much weddings have cost the people having them. I've been to weddings that were clearly very, very expensive and ones that were probably relatively cheap (and ones in between). How much money is being spent isn't really what I remember; its more about the feeling of being a guest rather than a cash cow extra.

No bridesmaids for me. It is a personal opinion but I find them faintly ridiculous- especially adult bridesmaids and how often do you truly see them in anything other than odd dresses that you would never be seen dead in again? They just look like another gaggle of people you have to micro manage.

We had no best man, we walked up the aisle together and a couple of friends did a reading. No formal photos either- hate them. The photos taken by friends with their good cameras were far better anyway and a truer reflection of the day.

We liked the fact that people hadn't had to fork out to attend. :)

A friend of mine spent every weekend for 18 months scouring charity shops for teacups and saucers for her vintage style budget wedding. I will never love any man enough to give up 18 months worth of weekends searching for rosebud teacups that demonstrate our commitment to each other.

Our 'wedding' was barely a wedding. We did the early weekday slot at the registry office with a couple of friends as witnesses and then off to a nearby cafe for some breakfast (of the kind that involves bacon and eggs). No one got more dressed up than they would for a day at work. The breakfast was more of a thank you for giving up your time to come and sign a document for us than anything else.

The thought of having to be a bride in a proper wedding brings me out in hives, tbh. The thought of planning one is even worse.

I'm not rude about £20K weddings. the last 2 I've been to (my brother's and his brother-in-law's wedding (My SIL) both easily went past £20K and they were lovely affairs.

One of the main reasons for a flash wedding 2nd time round (his BIL's) was the bride's father was dying of cancer (he's since died) and he/they wanted a special wedding.

my brother's wedding - they just wanted a special day for their DD and no expense spared.

Arf, squoosh. I would never love any man that much either. I think I'd be slightly disturbed by any man who professed to love me enough to spend 18 months scouring charity shops of a weekend for anything.