SIL upset DCs (DH death related) calm me down NOW

[lickingstars]

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name. You may recognise me from another thread that I posted. I just don't want my usual name on this.

So my DH died a couple of weeks ago. We are all struggling a bit with it. So it is half term this week. I took the DCs to Liverpool on Monday to add to their Christmas lists. They had never been so it was a new experience and they loved it.

I decided to meet up with a friend today to get some Christmas shopping and have a day out we decided to go to Liverpool again because it was easier and there is more to do.
The DCs (12,6,4) went to PILs they usually go for a day during the holidays anyway. SIL lives in a flat 15 minutes away from PILs but she is at theirs most of the time. She and DH weren't close partly due to an age gap but mostly because she is very over dramatic and likes things her way. We only see her if she is at PILs at the same time.

So got to 5 pm just getting in the car to go home and MIL calls me. DD2 (4) is hysterical and can I hurry back. The drive home takes an hour.

Got there and DD2 was still upset and crying. She wouldn't calm down and the other two were also upset but wouldn't say why. MIL said that she wasn't sure what happened as they won't say while SIL was there and SIL maintained that she doesn't know what happens either.
So I took them all home.

When we got home DD2 told me she was upset because daddy isn't coming back.

So after talking about with her and the other two DCs separately.
Turns out PILs were talk to neighbours and left SIL with the DCs making pizzas. DD2 wanted a smiley face out of tomato sauce and asked SIL to do it for her. SIL said fine but then just made a blob in the middle and told her to deal with it.
DD2 said that DH used to do smiley faces for her and it was easy for adults because they could squeeze the bottle. SIL well DH wasn't coming back so they could never have sauce faces again.

DD2 and DS (6) started to cry and DD1 (12) said that was really uncalled for and told the younger two that dad was watching all of us.
Then MIL came back in and asked what was happening and SIL said that DD1 had upset them all. DD1 said that she hadn't and SIL maintained that she had .
DD1 got upset and left the room. MIL went after her and FIL went to get tissues and while they were gone DS said to SIL that he would learn how to make smiley faces to make DD2 happy and the DH could see all the smilies faces from the sky. SIL said DH would be too busy having fun to care about smiley faces. So then the DCs were really upset and MIL called me.

It has taken AGES to settle them and reassure them and I am so angry and upset. I haven't called anyone yet because I don't want to fall out tonight and I don't really have the energy for a fight.

They are good kids and their stories match up. Also DD1 is very factual and DS can't keep secrets so I am sure they are telling the truth.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is completely unacceptable? ILs have lost DH too and it is hard but is it excusable? I need you all to calm me down. I have no idea what to do daily anyway so this just feels to hard to puzzle out.

[NanooCov]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would tell your PILs exactly what happened. Don't worry about what they will do. That's up to them. They may do nothing, they may be furious and speak with her (and I would expect her to deny - it's appalling behaviour).

As for SIL, I would never ever see her again and would never subject the DCs to seeing her. She doesn't deserve to have such lovely kids in her life. Make it clear to your PILs too that there will be no further contact with SIL.

Her behaviour is just not excusable in any way, even if born out of grief for her brother. But by the sounds of it, she's not a particularly pleasant person anyway.

[BumGravy]

Sorry for your loss. Your children sound fantastic. Your SIL sounds evil
On a practical note you can buy the squeezy bottles for ketchup from cheap pound stretcher type shops and I haven't looked but am guessing you could order them from Ebay. I would order them one each and tell them its so the can ALWAYS have smile face pizzas.

[mimishimmi]

She's a nasty cow. Some people are just like that. No wonder your DH didn't have much to do with her.

[foslady]

Another one saying make site the PIL's know......but don't be surprised if SIL tries to do this to stop PIL's seeing your dc'a - whilst there around she no longer can be centre of attention.

Btw - I think you and your dc'a are amazing the way how you are pulling together for each other, I'm so sorry you have had to experience not just your loss but now this abhorrent behaviour from someone you should be able to count on.

[StackladysMorphicResonator]

So sorry for your loss.

I would tell your PIL what SIL has done - they need to know so that in future they won't let the children have contact with her. She's clearly having trouble coping with the death, and is also an evil cowbag.

[BigSpottyCupofTea]

I am so sorry for you and your children's loss

I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship with someone who was this incredibly unkind to my children whatever her motives might be whenever it had been said but particularly when you're all grieving for such a significant loss. That will probably be difficult for PILS but surely if they're told what your SIL said they'll be as horrified as everyone here. Good luck with your conversation with PILS - the last thing you need right now.

My brother died 7 months ago very suddenly and I have been trying to support my lovely SIL and her two boys through their bereavement. I cannot imagine being this awful to my two nephews. (((Hug))) and all best wishes for your next few months.

[northernlurker]

Oh Op I was worried this would be you when I saw the title.

Ok - well I agree with everyone that this is yet another example of how brilliant your kids are. They really take care of one another don't they? That's lovely and that will be part of their memory of this particular day - that their aunt upset them and they hung together to look after one another. That's a good thing to remember amongst the horrible bit. Because it was horrible, there's no getting away from that.

However that's not your pils fault. From what you said in your other thread they have been very supportive and I think you need to try to hang on to that support and relationship. At the same time sil needs to adjust her behaviour. I also think she needs to apologise to your oldest dc. I think it will just confuse the little ones but dd is of an age to gracefully accept an apology.

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell pils and also speak as calmly as you can to sil (because I would be raging and want to verbally take her apart too). You need to tell her without equivocation that she hurt the dc and she cannot ever, ever do that again. She needs to sit down in front of a computer with you there and look at some information on SUPPORTING bereaved children - Winstons Wish has a good site. Then she needs to apologise to dd1 and you can all move on BUT if she ever, ever crosses that line again then I would go no contact with her which is not something I say lightly. Frankly anybody can fuck up once and she is grieving too so whilst the kids are the priority of course, yes she can be cut some slack as long as she acknowledges she was wrong. If she does it again OR if she is not receptive to what you're saying then that's it. You should be clear with pils about this too. It will be very painful for them but there's no reason that I can see for them to lose out here. Might mean they mostly see dc at your house but I would still be happy to leave the dc with them as long as they protect dc from sil (if that's what it comes to)

[Nerris]

Unforgiveable. This woman has been terribly cruel to her family at a time at their most vulnerable.
Personally, I could never forgive that. It's perhaps her grief coming out in a twisted way, but she's an adult and should most certainly know better.

If I were you I would want nothing more to do with her, ever. Your poor kids, what a wicked woman.

Sorry for your loss op

[purpleponcho]

She is scum.
Your kids sound wonderful.

[OraProNobis]

So sorry for your loss and so sorry your poor kids had to be hurt by some unthinking cow . If I were you she'd never be seeing them again, never mind be left alone with them. You sound like a brilliant Mum and I'm sure you'll be able to help your lovely children through this.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree with Northern, this is not your PIL fault. Your sil is a grown adult who should be able to control herself, she is not 5 fgs. Do not punish them for her disgusting behaviour, but work round it and explain to them why. Tell them that because of sil behaviour you do not want her around or near your kid. They are welcome to their house if she isent going to be there, if she is you would like to accompany them. They are more than welcome to come to your and see them and take them out minus Sil. I am just so op that a grown adult can behave that way!

[FrancesNiadova]

So sorry to hear this stars.
Your children are wonderful; your eldest is the one who handled the situation as it unfolded in a mature, sensible way.
Your SIL sounds like she is immature & rather selfish. It could be a reaction to her grief; that she hasn't got the emotional energy to consider any one else's feelings, but you know what she's like the rest of the time.
I'm sure that your PIL are on edge this morning, they must have their doubts as to the story given & are probably waiting to hear from you.
I wouldn't tell them over the phone.
I would invite PIL (not SIL), over for a coffee & discuss what happened face to face. If they're OK, you could bring your eldest in to say what happened. Again, you know how your child feels & how able they are to re-tell the events.
SIL is your PIL'S problem. You have enough to be dealing with at the moment. Let them come up with the restrictions that need to be put into place for her.
for you, for your DC -x-

[hackmum]

Your six-year old sounds more mature than your SIL.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I lost my dad at 11 to Cancer and there is noway I would behave like that. Sorry I know SIL is grieving but her behaviour is no excuse.

[jingleballs12]

I would make sure your PIL know what was said. I would keep your DC away from SIL as you all don't need to deal with her rubbish. She doesn't deserve to be their auntie. Condolences to you all xx

[Ledkr]

What a lovely strong dd you have to stick up for her younger siblings.
Sounds as if your dh did a great job and would be really proud of them.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Blaming your dd1 for upsetting them all, when it was her is disgusting, she is an adult who should take responsibility for her actions, and should have apologised profusely to your dc for upsetting them.

[Aeroflotgirl]

the way she spoke sounds like a 5 year old nit 25 year old. Sorry I am venting, just so angry for you all op.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

woowooowl and lickingstars I am sorry for your losses.

OP I would report back factually to pil in the way you've done in your opening post. Tell them that you've now got to the bottom of what happened. Tell them your children are vulnerable and you cannot afford for them to be upset like this again. You don't need to try and explain why SIL behaved as she did. I wouldn't fish for an apology from her, it would be meaningless.

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

Email them, you can be gentle with IL's

Dear ILs,

Thankyou for having us on xx and caring for the children. This helped me gets lots of Xmas shopping done and of course it was really nice to see you both again.

The kids have been very upfront and have separately told me what SIL said while alone with them. It's started by xxx and xx. Next xxx (list everything she said here factually and unemotionally)

I know we are all hurting with the loss of DH right now but more then anything the kids needs support in dealing with their great loss.

I'm not sure where to go with this now. I am so shocked, angry and disappointed with SIL. Things are so hard already without this.

[magimedi]

I am so sorry for your loss.

TestingTesting has said exactly what I was going to.

Your husband must have been a great father & you must be a wonderful mother to have such lovely children.

[mutternutter]

My DC dad dead too. How fucking dare she. This is the type of stuff that can scar kids. I should know as dealing with it

[Hatespiders]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
Your children sound wonderful.
I don't agree that this woman is just nasty. She's much more than that. I'd say she was a narcissistic psychopath (as someone above said) and obsessed with herself, enjoying inflicting pain and suffering because she likes the drama it engenders. If so, she's not someone anybody would want around children, let alone during intense grief.
I'd explain things to your PIL when you feel able, and cut all contact with SIL. She's absolutely toxic and should be certified.
I'd like to punch her tbh. There's no other word but 'evil' for what she said.
Deepest sympathy to you, and prayers. x

[iPaddy]

I'm so sorry OP.

The only explanation I can give - other than your SIL is a complete bitch - is that she is also grieving and so is insensitive to your children's feelings.

[Boomeranggirl]

Could it be that in some sick way your SIL was jealous of the attention the DC were getting from PIL? In which case I would insist PIL see the DC without SIL for the time being.

She sounds nasty, spiteful and not to be trusted. I would tell the children not to listen to her at all.

So sorry for your loss.