SIL upset DCs (DH death related) calm me down NOW

[lickingstars]

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name. You may recognise me from another thread that I posted. I just don't want my usual name on this.

So my DH died a couple of weeks ago. We are all struggling a bit with it. So it is half term this week. I took the DCs to Liverpool on Monday to add to their Christmas lists. They had never been so it was a new experience and they loved it.

I decided to meet up with a friend today to get some Christmas shopping and have a day out we decided to go to Liverpool again because it was easier and there is more to do.
The DCs (12,6,4) went to PILs they usually go for a day during the holidays anyway. SIL lives in a flat 15 minutes away from PILs but she is at theirs most of the time. She and DH weren't close partly due to an age gap but mostly because she is very over dramatic and likes things her way. We only see her if she is at PILs at the same time.

So got to 5 pm just getting in the car to go home and MIL calls me. DD2 (4) is hysterical and can I hurry back. The drive home takes an hour.

Got there and DD2 was still upset and crying. She wouldn't calm down and the other two were also upset but wouldn't say why. MIL said that she wasn't sure what happened as they won't say while SIL was there and SIL maintained that she doesn't know what happens either.
So I took them all home.

When we got home DD2 told me she was upset because daddy isn't coming back.

So after talking about with her and the other two DCs separately.
Turns out PILs were talk to neighbours and left SIL with the DCs making pizzas. DD2 wanted a smiley face out of tomato sauce and asked SIL to do it for her. SIL said fine but then just made a blob in the middle and told her to deal with it.
DD2 said that DH used to do smiley faces for her and it was easy for adults because they could squeeze the bottle. SIL well DH wasn't coming back so they could never have sauce faces again.

DD2 and DS (6) started to cry and DD1 (12) said that was really uncalled for and told the younger two that dad was watching all of us.
Then MIL came back in and asked what was happening and SIL said that DD1 had upset them all. DD1 said that she hadn't and SIL maintained that she had .
DD1 got upset and left the room. MIL went after her and FIL went to get tissues and while they were gone DS said to SIL that he would learn how to make smiley faces to make DD2 happy and the DH could see all the smilies faces from the sky. SIL said DH would be too busy having fun to care about smiley faces. So then the DCs were really upset and MIL called me.

It has taken AGES to settle them and reassure them and I am so angry and upset. I haven't called anyone yet because I don't want to fall out tonight and I don't really have the energy for a fight.

They are good kids and their stories match up. Also DD1 is very factual and DS can't keep secrets so I am sure they are telling the truth.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is completely unacceptable? ILs have lost DH too and it is hard but is it excusable? I need you all to calm me down. I have no idea what to do daily anyway so this just feels to hard to puzzle out.

[emotionsecho]

I'm sorry OP I can't think of anything to say to calm you down, I am absolutely horrified by the behaviour of your SIL so much so I took a sharp intake of breath whilst reading it.

I would suggest you keep your children away from SIL they really don't need her in their lives if that is how she is going to act.

I don't know what else to suggest and I am sure someone will be along soon with far better advice.

So sorry for your and your children's loss and for having to endure what you all did today.

[MagicCarpet]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I can't calm you down I'm afraid, I'd be beyond furious. I hope you're ok and have plenty of support.
I could cry for your DCs. For all of you, actually.
Did you tell your PIL?

[WD41]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your SIL sounds utterly vile, what a dreadful thing to say to your children. If it were me I would struggle to see or talk to her again I think.

[lickingstars]

She doesn't have children.

I don't know what PILs will do they have just lost their son. This will just upset them more. I will have to tell them about it but I don't know what they will do.

[MsJupiter]

I think your dd1 is extraordinary for dealing so calmly and reassuring her sister. Your DS has made me cry, the sentiment of his wanting to help is something very special. Your dd2 is fantastic for vocalising what she wanted and why in the first place.

Your in-laws have let them down (probably through grief but still inexcusably) but you have absolutely wonderful children. I am so sorry for your and their loss but glad they have each other, and you, to give each other strength.

I do hope that your ILs can give you more support in the coming months as they deal with their own grief and that you have other support channels too.

[AgentZigzag]

I'm so sorry about your DH

I want to say don't let this woman near you or your children ever again, but you don't want anything to cut off the support you must get from your PIL.

I can't put into words how nasty and spiteful it is to say that to a 4 YO who is missing her Dad.

Are you thinking she's said it because she's finding it difficult because the situation isn't all about her? Could she be taking out her own pain/distress on your little one? (not that it makes any difference like, that would make me even more upset tbh).

How old is your SIL?

[sillymillyb]

Jesus, this is awful. I am so sorry you and your babies have had this to go through on topic losing your Dh. I'd go ballistic with sil, it would be a deal breaker for me - treat me how you like, but don't you dare mess with my family.

On a practical note seeing as I'm so rubbish at calming you down, can you make pizza soon. Maybe put some ketchup in a bowl and let them use a spoon to make smiley faces?

Im so sorry for your loss x

[lickingstars]

I haven't told PILs yet I will tell them tomorrow in the hope I will be calmer by them.

[Bakeoffcakes]

I'm so sorry you lost DH.

Your SIL sounds an utter cow, she's just upset your dc for no reason what so ever

I'm actually quite speechless, just keep away from her and keep dc away.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Sick bitch. I'm sorry but I can't find a way of excusing her behaviour.

Poor you and your poor babies. Hug them really tight. And yes their daddy can see pizza smiles and anyone special can do special pizza smiles.

Sorry but what a fucking bitch. Has she been like this before? It's so horrifyingly cruel :(

[cloggal]

Please make pizza with your lovely dcs, smiley faces and all, as soon as possible OP. I am so very sorry.

Don't force yourself to hold back or indeed to confront her at the moment. Just do what feels right. She's clearly not giving a fig for anyone's feelings, including those of your 6 yo and 4 yo - unbelievable.

[LlamaWoman]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have no words of advice to add to whats been said above but I am sat here with my jaw slack on the floor. I am just in absolute shock someone could be so cruel to anyone, let alone children.

Is she all there mentally your SIL? I am not making excuses for her but is it possible this is her brief coming out in some very weird way?

[lickingstars]

SIL is 25 (there were 10 years between her and DH)
I don't know what SIL was thinking when she said it.

[LlamaWoman]

*grief not brief (sorry).

[divingoffthebalcony]

That is absolutely unforgivable.

[lickingstars]

She is very dramatic. She doesn't spend much time with the DCs doesnt like playing with them and only talks about what she wants to like reality tv which my younger two can't talk to her about but that doesn't seem to stop her.

But she doesn't have any DCs so we just accepted that she didn't understand the difference and tried to give her some hints or help the conversation along.

[cheerupandhaveaglassofwine]

Sorry for your loss lickingstars

Think by now I would have already smacked SIL for being so nasty to my kids

If I was in the position your PIL will be in when you tell them I would probably disown the nasty cow for a while and make even more of an effort to help and stay in touch with you

[2minsofyourtime]

I think that's an awful thing for her to say. She sounds bitter.

I would have a chat with you pil. The fact that she lied and said these nasty things when they werent there is very telling

[lightgreenglass]

What a horrible woman. A 25 year old should know better - your poor children. I would keep my children away from her and tell PIL that she's not to be alone with them. The way she tried to cover it up makes it ten times worse.

[youareallbonkers]

That's dreadful. I suppose she is dealing with grief too but there is no excuse for that.

[GColdtimer]

So sorry that is just terrible. Your poor dcs, no advice because I would be fuming but agree pizza and smiley faces should be on the cards ASAP.

(On another note licking, my friend has had great support from WAY - widowed and young. Her and her two ds would not have got through the last 2years without them, www.widowedandyoung.org.uk xx

[RandomFriend]

What a shocking thing to say. Your SIL is toxic.

Don't let your DCs spend time with her.

[WyldChyld]

Oh star, I am so, so sorry - this is heartbreaking. Definitely agree about doing pizzas again very soon - maybe make it a regular pizza night where you can all talk about DH and things that you'd have liked to tell him etc - a way of keeping him alive, especially for your very little ones.

I would talk to your PiLs ASAP. You'll need to explain she's not welcome around your kids and why. I'd also be tempted to rip her a new arsehole but I'm not sure how productive that would be!