SIL upset DCs (DH death related) calm me down NOW

[lickingstars]

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name. You may recognise me from another thread that I posted. I just don't want my usual name on this.

So my DH died a couple of weeks ago. We are all struggling a bit with it. So it is half term this week. I took the DCs to Liverpool on Monday to add to their Christmas lists. They had never been so it was a new experience and they loved it.

I decided to meet up with a friend today to get some Christmas shopping and have a day out we decided to go to Liverpool again because it was easier and there is more to do.
The DCs (12,6,4) went to PILs they usually go for a day during the holidays anyway. SIL lives in a flat 15 minutes away from PILs but she is at theirs most of the time. She and DH weren't close partly due to an age gap but mostly because she is very over dramatic and likes things her way. We only see her if she is at PILs at the same time.

So got to 5 pm just getting in the car to go home and MIL calls me. DD2 (4) is hysterical and can I hurry back. The drive home takes an hour.

Got there and DD2 was still upset and crying. She wouldn't calm down and the other two were also upset but wouldn't say why. MIL said that she wasn't sure what happened as they won't say while SIL was there and SIL maintained that she doesn't know what happens either.
So I took them all home.

When we got home DD2 told me she was upset because daddy isn't coming back.

So after talking about with her and the other two DCs separately.
Turns out PILs were talk to neighbours and left SIL with the DCs making pizzas. DD2 wanted a smiley face out of tomato sauce and asked SIL to do it for her. SIL said fine but then just made a blob in the middle and told her to deal with it.
DD2 said that DH used to do smiley faces for her and it was easy for adults because they could squeeze the bottle. SIL well DH wasn't coming back so they could never have sauce faces again.

DD2 and DS (6) started to cry and DD1 (12) said that was really uncalled for and told the younger two that dad was watching all of us.
Then MIL came back in and asked what was happening and SIL said that DD1 had upset them all. DD1 said that she hadn't and SIL maintained that she had .
DD1 got upset and left the room. MIL went after her and FIL went to get tissues and while they were gone DS said to SIL that he would learn how to make smiley faces to make DD2 happy and the DH could see all the smilies faces from the sky. SIL said DH would be too busy having fun to care about smiley faces. So then the DCs were really upset and MIL called me.

It has taken AGES to settle them and reassure them and I am so angry and upset. I haven't called anyone yet because I don't want to fall out tonight and I don't really have the energy for a fight.

They are good kids and their stories match up. Also DD1 is very factual and DS can't keep secrets so I am sure they are telling the truth.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is completely unacceptable? ILs have lost DH too and it is hard but is it excusable? I need you all to calm me down. I have no idea what to do daily anyway so this just feels to hard to puzzle out.

[makeminered]

I wouldn't ever let them see her again, unless you are personally there to supervise. I hope the pils understand your stance on this.
Far too toxic.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Oh my goodness what a nasty piece of work your sil is! I would have your in laws over to yours (minus sil of course) so this doesn't happen again. If your dc go there again you accompany them. Well done your ds 12 fir defending your poor children. Really sorry for your awful loss . Thus is not what you or your dc need.

[lunar1]

She must be evil to say those things to bereaved children. I wouldn't be letting her near them again.

[Aeroflotgirl]

From your description of her she sounds very shallow and pathetic

[MummyBeerest]

I am so sorry for your loss

Your SIL sounds absolutely horrible. No other word for it.

I agree that talking to her will solve nothing-to lie and blame it on your daughter is despicable-and will just end up making you more upset.

I would mention it to PILs and be clear that you don't have any issue with them, but SIL was well out of order understatement and don't want your children around that.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She is bloody sadistic to say such evil things to those poor poor grieving chikdren. Any decent person would bend over backwards to help these children and try and make it easier on them.

[slightlyworriednc]

What an utter, utter bitch.

[scrappydappydoo]

sorry for your loss.
wow those are some harsh words to say to kids. I would be gently honest with PILs just say this is what the kids say happened. As you can imagine I don't have the head space to deal with this right now. So I don't want DC near sil until I can get my head round this (never mind that this could be forever!). Emphasize that you still want them involved just not sil.
Hard but I think you have enough on your plate and you don't need sils issues as well.
My only concession to sil is that some people don't know how to deal with grief and say the most outlandishly insensitive things when they mean something else. That coupled with not relating to kids could be a recipe for disaster. Also at 25 this maybe her first experience of bereavement. Not excuses but possible explanations?

[Maidupmum]

I think I saw your last post & your children do sound like a close little unit. I'm enraged on your behalf. I agree that you shouldn't talk to her yet.... put her number in here and we'll all point out the error of her ways

[Morloth]

Don't calm down.

Give her both fucking barrels.

What a shit.

[Booboostoo]

Your SIL is a psychopath. There is no excuse nor explanation for what she said to the DCs.

I am very sorry for your loss and for your SIL adding adding stress and unhappiness to it all. I think you have to NC her, she is toxic to your children who do not deserve this.

[MorelliOrRanger]

So sorry for your loss.

Like pp, I think I would talk to PIL as calmly as possible explaining what dc have told you and that you rather she weren't left alone with them again.

If she those things that is totally unacceptable, how cruel.

You son sounds adorable. X

[wowfudge]

My phone battery went when I was posting last night. Firstly, I am sorry for your loss.

Secondly, your SIL sounds immature and more like a teenager than a grown woman. She clearly needs to grow up and learn how to behave. I don't doubt she is grieving too or perhaps just completely out of her emotional depth to deal with her parents and her nieces and nephew - you say she wasn't close to your DH.

To me it reads that she didn't understand what she was asked to do so lashed out instead of asking what the DC meant.

Once things have calmed down, you should tell your PIL how she thoughtlessly upset the DC. Someone needs to speak to her.

I think she is rather pathetic - immature and emotionally ill-equipped. To be pitied more than anything.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

My goodness, you think you have heard it all and then this. Your daughter, what a star. I was in tears reading your OP.
I agree with not calming down. What an out and out cow.

[minibmw2010]

Lovely to hear how your kids are sticking together and helping each other, and I fully understand you don't want to upset the PILs but words need to be had with the SIL. What a bitch !!!

[londonrach]

How dare sil tell your dc that their daddy isnt watching them. Of course he is. How hard would it have been to have made a smily face. Does sil have no feelings...

Im really sorry for your loss. Xxxx

[guaranteedpersonality]

I can't think of anything you could say to her that could possibly give you cause for regret.

I am so sorry for your and your children's loss OP. And your poor PIL - how awful to lose one child and then have to discover your other child said something so wicked.

[Jill2015]

My sincere condolences on your terrible loss.

I'm speechless about what your SIL said. That would be the last time she was ever left alone with them, in my book. FWIW, I don't believe the fact of whether or not she has children of her own makes a difference. I don't have children. I would not, in a million years, say anything remotely upsetting to a child, and particularly, in a situation where children are bereaved, and grieving. Because I am a normal, sensitive, caring person.

Speak to your PIL. I doubt there is any point engaging with her. If the children are there again, she is not to be left alone with them, I don't even have words for what I would like to call her. Your kids sound great. I wouldn't want her, in their lives.

[diddl]

What an absolute bitch!

Putting everything else aside, just making a blob & telling the Kids to "deal with it" is fucking horribly unnecessary, but in the context it really is well so nasty that I think it could be called evil.

She's probably really upset as well, but even so.

I'm afraid the Kids wouldn't be going to ILs if there was a Chance that sIL would be there.

[EugenesAxe]

Whatever motives people have for trolling, she sounds like she has them. Schadenfreude on an extreme scale - what a sad bitch. Why is she so lacking in self confidence; was she bullied? 25 is old enough to know better, but saying that it's easy to still be very immature at that age. Maybe the thing I'm always having to say to DS(4) when DD(2) has upset him would apply here: "Just because she's said something, doesn't mean that it is so. Words cannot change the fact that you saw the tractor."

I'm really sorry about your DH.

[ssd]

good luck with the PIL's today op

FWIW I would kill avoid SIL

[spidey66]

I'm sorry for your loss .

Your sil sounds an absolute cow....how dare she say that to 3 small children?

Your kids, however, sound delightful and a credit to you and their dad.

[savemefromrickets]

Bloody hell, she sounds horrible.

I second the idea of making pizzas soon... Reclaim the activity as something fun to do together but maybe add a twist to make it slightly different to before, such as rolling out dough into long sticks, bending them into heart shapes and coating them in garlic butter. They might like the idea that dad can see their love hearts too.

As for how your PIL may react, they may not take much action. After all, they have just lost one child and may dread the dramatic one flouncing off so they, on effect, lose both. I'd tell them but would half expect them to try to bury their head in the sand.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Sympathies and very sorry your kids were so upset.

However is it possible she said it in an upset way as she got upset too about the sauce and to be fair her brother has just died?

I don't think it was a good thing to say.

But don't think the posts calling her an evil unhinged bitch and selfish are very fair.

[CrashDiveOnMingoCity]

I think you're handling this really well. You are right to tell PILs, even if this will upset them. Your children need protecting. This is obviously hard for them too but their daughter inflicted this upon children and it's not on.

I know PPs have said this but I wanted to say again; your children sound lovely, empathetic and generous young people. DD1 trying to calm her younger siblings despite her distress says a lot about her personality and the people who raised her. As does your young son overcoming his distress to say he would help his little sister learn to make smiley faces. You should be so very proud of them.