SIL upset DCs (DH death related) calm me down NOW

[lickingstars]

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name. You may recognise me from another thread that I posted. I just don't want my usual name on this.

So my DH died a couple of weeks ago. We are all struggling a bit with it. So it is half term this week. I took the DCs to Liverpool on Monday to add to their Christmas lists. They had never been so it was a new experience and they loved it.

I decided to meet up with a friend today to get some Christmas shopping and have a day out we decided to go to Liverpool again because it was easier and there is more to do.
The DCs (12,6,4) went to PILs they usually go for a day during the holidays anyway. SIL lives in a flat 15 minutes away from PILs but she is at theirs most of the time. She and DH weren't close partly due to an age gap but mostly because she is very over dramatic and likes things her way. We only see her if she is at PILs at the same time.

So got to 5 pm just getting in the car to go home and MIL calls me. DD2 (4) is hysterical and can I hurry back. The drive home takes an hour.

Got there and DD2 was still upset and crying. She wouldn't calm down and the other two were also upset but wouldn't say why. MIL said that she wasn't sure what happened as they won't say while SIL was there and SIL maintained that she doesn't know what happens either.
So I took them all home.

When we got home DD2 told me she was upset because daddy isn't coming back.

So after talking about with her and the other two DCs separately.
Turns out PILs were talk to neighbours and left SIL with the DCs making pizzas. DD2 wanted a smiley face out of tomato sauce and asked SIL to do it for her. SIL said fine but then just made a blob in the middle and told her to deal with it.
DD2 said that DH used to do smiley faces for her and it was easy for adults because they could squeeze the bottle. SIL well DH wasn't coming back so they could never have sauce faces again.

DD2 and DS (6) started to cry and DD1 (12) said that was really uncalled for and told the younger two that dad was watching all of us.
Then MIL came back in and asked what was happening and SIL said that DD1 had upset them all. DD1 said that she hadn't and SIL maintained that she had .
DD1 got upset and left the room. MIL went after her and FIL went to get tissues and while they were gone DS said to SIL that he would learn how to make smiley faces to make DD2 happy and the DH could see all the smilies faces from the sky. SIL said DH would be too busy having fun to care about smiley faces. So then the DCs were really upset and MIL called me.

It has taken AGES to settle them and reassure them and I am so angry and upset. I haven't called anyone yet because I don't want to fall out tonight and I don't really have the energy for a fight.

They are good kids and their stories match up. Also DD1 is very factual and DS can't keep secrets so I am sure they are telling the truth.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is completely unacceptable? ILs have lost DH too and it is hard but is it excusable? I need you all to calm me down. I have no idea what to do daily anyway so this just feels to hard to puzzle out.

[rhetorician]

hello - I read your earlier thread, and think this is bang out of order in every way. Not only was your SIL supremely insensitive, she then tried to blame the children! However, the thing that really strikes me is how wonderful and lovely your children are to each other, so they really will be OK. They are going to be upset, sometimes they will be inconsolable and that is so hard for you, but SIL's comments are actually unforgivable in my book. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I would go back to PIL and see what they say - not easy for them either.

[AcrossthePond55]

That has got to be the ugliest, most thoughtless, vilest thing I've ever heard!! Is she insane? I mean seriously, she must have some type of personality disorder to purposely inflict such pain on children.

Frankly, I wouldn't bother talking to her. What would be the point? Anything she says would either be lies or would only serve to make it worse. I would, however, tell the iLs. I would tell them calmly and make sure they know you believe your children and nothing SiL (or they) might say will change that. Tell them that you do not hold them responsible for the incident (assuming you don't). Then tell them that you will not see nor speak to SiL again, you are not interested in an apology (assuming you aren't) nor will you permit her to be around your children and that none of that is open for discussion and that you don't want the incident to be discussed ever again.

I'm so, so sorry that this has happened to you and the children. If this wasn't MN I'd give you all a big squashy hug. Oh hell, here, have one anyway!

[riskit4abiskit]

Your dc sound absolutely fantastic, especially your eldest. So sorry for your loss.

loving the pizza night idea upthread

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Good lord! This brought tears to my eyes! How could anyone say that to a 4 year old child who just lost her father!!!

I don't really know what to suggest, but firm words need to directed at SIL.

[WitchWay]

She's 25? She sounds like a nasty vindictive teenager.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

The fact that she does not have children makes no difference. She has no common sense or decency. What kind of a bitch makes that kind of comment to a grieving child? You don't have to be a parent to know that will upset a child in that situation.

[EATmum]

Yes to all of the above, she sounds awful. But what comes through loud and clear is how lovely your children are. Do focus on that, if you can.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

So sorry for your loss.

(sorry, meant to say that in the first post there, but so irritated at your nasty SIL that I forgot to finish the post)

[AgentZigzag]

At 25 she must have known that what she was saying to a very small child about something so distressing was inappropriate and cruel.

It's hardly the best time to be tackling her (by diverting your energies onto her instead of rightly on to yourself/your DC) but you have to protect your DCs from her.

Even though your PIL have their own burden to carry and would probably 'sort her' if they knew exactly how she's been behaving, WTF should they? Her not having children is no excuse, your 4, 6 and 12 YOs knew that she shouldn't have said those things, how did that understanding pass by your SIL?

[lickingstars]

Yes they are lovely children (well they have their moments but they can be really lovely) and I am really proud of them.

[waithorse]

What a horrific woman. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[TTTatty]

People say the most awful things in this situation and my heart goes out to you and your children (have been there)
Can I just second what someone else said and please do look up WAY widowed and young - fantastic support, good for you and good for the children to meet other children who have lost a parent - helped me so much.

[WooWooOwl]

Only read your posts so far OP.

I don't think you should say anything to your SIL, and stay as calm as you can when you speak to your pils about it.

Make smiley face pizza with your dc the next time you get a good opportunity, and reinforce the nice thoughts you have given them about their Daddy watching them. Get your family or friends who are supporting you to back it up. And it may well be worth briefing everyone who will have close contact with your children (teachers/friends etc) on what you have said to them so that they know what best to say when it comes up.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. It is spectacularly shit. I have a pretty good idea of how messed up your head is likely to be, I lost my DH five weeks ago so I'm right there with you in that particular shithole. If you're managing to talk this through with your children, and are capable of thinking about Christmas shopping, you are doing amazingly well. Keep going

[iwishiwasacat]

When I first read this I typed out a response with lots of swearing and name calling directed at your SiL. She sounds like an awful person. Like others have said. Dealing with her own grief doesn't give her any excuse to be so nasty to young children who have just lost their father. She is vile.

Your children sound lovely and I think it is great that they were so kind to one and another. I hope they feeling better and reassured now, as much as they can be. I hope you are getting support for yourself as well.

[Plomino]

Bloody hell ! WTAF was she thinking ? No , scrap that , she wasn't thinking at all . Heartless heartless bitch . She knew exactly how nasty she was being , or she'd never have tried to blame the kids . Hasn't it been hard enough for them already without her twisting the pain that little bit more ? And why ? Because it wasn't all about her for a change ?

She'd never come within mouthing distance of us ever again if that were I . Well once , long enough for me to punch her lights out , and then never again . Cow .

Your DCs are amazing btw . And considerably more balanced than your SIL.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

I don't think it matters what your SIL's motives were. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to work it out. The fact is, she can't or won't behave properly towards your children. It would probably be best to give her a wide berth, at least for a while, and this will have to be explained to your PIL.

And I'm so sorry about your DH. It was my father's funeral this week. It was so hard, I can't imagine how much harder it is for small children. I wish you every strength for the weeks to come.

[Coumarin]

Nasty bitch! Your poor babies. I can't think of a single excuse for that kind of behaviour. Not one and I'm usually first in the 'see it from both sides' queue. Her age, grief or not having children aren't reasons or excuses. WTF is wrong with her? No wonder you're livid.

Your children sound absolutely wonderful. What your son said was lovely and kind and your eldest handled it very well.

I'm very sorry for your loss

[Coumarin]

Abbie x

[SecretRed]

Your kids sound ace. What a lovely thing for your ds to say re the pizzas.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

Thank you Coumarin.

[GorgeousPie]

What a mean thing to do. I'm so sorry for your family's loss x

[Worksallhours]

Maybe I am a bit too careful with things like this, but I would check to make sure that some wires haven't got crossed here or that your DCs have not misunderstood what your SiL said.

Although, I admit I am saying this because I don't want to believe that an adult would say something quite so brutal to a 4-year-old.

[saffronwblue]

What a completely nightmare SiL. How dare she make your poor DC feel worse - how dare she!
Given that the whole extended family is grieving you will probably never get a satisfying acknowledgement let alone apology from the ILs.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your children sound absolutely lovely and clearly have wonderful memories of their father's love which will help to sustain them.
How about Daddy pizza night as a new tradition? Or go mad and give them pizza for breakfast tomorrow!

[iniquity]

If this kind of comment was out of character for her I would forgive her . emotions are running high and things said can be misinterpreted or misheard during this sensitive time. Only you know your Sil.

[Ohfourfoxache]

What a vile thing to say to anyone, let alone dc

Stars I'm so sorry you're going through this on top of what is a very difficult time already.

Think you definitely need to tell your ILs what happened- if he dc were upset when they left then they are bound to be worried.